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Would you go out with someone with a past? Watch

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    (Original post by Lucia.)
    It depends on what they did. I'm not sure I can handle everything. Sometimes things people have done reveal something about what they're like even if they've taken account of their actions. For example, I have relatives who were alcoholics. I never saw them recover but I have some kind of inkling of what that's like and I probably wouldn't date a guy who was a recovering alcoholic. I wouldn't date someone who had a history of treating women poorly regardless of what they said to me to try and make it sound better. Some areas are no goes. Sometimes it is pathological.
    I think I agree with most of this. There are some things I just couldn't deal with. Especially the alcoholism thing - I know my mum, dad and grandma have struggled with alcohol problems for a long time, and it makes me worry tht eventually I might be headed down that path. In a long term partner, I'd need someone to hit me round the head so that that didn't happen. Obviously I'll do my best not to on my own, but a recovering alcoholic would be a terrible partner for me. And perhaps anything that really hurt somebody else - like abuse of any kind. Having said that, eough evidence to the contrary would persuade me otherwise.

    I wouldn't want to judge anyone on their past. I think the point is that disclosure at the right time is absolutely paramount. Too early and I'd probably panic and think 'oh god, I don't want to be involved in any of that, I don't know you well enough to know that that is the past and not the present' and too late and I'd feel like I was lied to. OP, you need to find the right person really.
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    It's better to share your past, than hide it for fear of not being accepted. Hiding it just causes mistrust.
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    It depends. I've never really been in the situation where a guy has told me stuff like that. I grew up in an upper middle class area with my friends being same background (or above). I've never really been on a date with a guy like that, nor have they asked me out. Birds of a feather and all that - it is much easier to relate to someone with a similar background, families and values. It make me wonder what kind of parents would let a 17 year old fall out so badly.
    If you've already fallen for someone, you can tolerate some stuff but there is a long way until falling in love (at least for me) and these things come up along the way. I also have troubles believing there are no indications whatsoever of our past. Heroin does alter your looks and health.
    Past isn't everything, but it is something and as long as a person has options, they will have preference. Tons of guys out there wouldn't date a girl who's had a crazy amount of sex partners. She can defend herself saying past is past, but not really blame them if that is their POV.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Would you go out with someone who had something resembling a past life?

    I live in Britain now, and I could almost say that this is my second wind, my second go at life. I have a pretty heavy duty past; I used to be a(n admittedly middle-class) heroin addict and almost entirely wasted the years of my life between age 17 and 23.

    I've done crazy **** like carrying drugs over an international border (a small amount for personal use, over a Schengen border, but admittedly insane in hindsight), I've had very close mates die in a car wreck, I've made friends with some very colourful characters (I was back home at Christmas and one of these friends gave me a bullion coin worth about £1000), had close calls in Vietnam and Macau.

    I have a pretty respectable life now, I didn't catch any diseases or do any permanent damage. I'm studying and working in a job that pays well and has considerable responsibility.... but I can't ever tell anyone about the stuff that I've done.

    I can't unload any of this to anyone here in Britain, where my new life is. Particularly as it relates to romantic attachment, it's hard to have six years of your life that you can't share with someone you love. The question is if someone you were going out with told you about this kind of stuff, at the appropriate time, would it cause you to dump them?
    It makes you interesting. I'd like it.
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    (Original post by kat91s)
    It's better to share your past, than hide it for fear of not being accepted. Hiding it just causes mistrust.
    I know what you're saying, although I disagree. There are bits of my past I'm happy to hide from a man I'm dating and not feel guilty about it. The problem with sharing some stuff is that there is no such thing as truth. It would take a lot for someone to believe that your account of something is the whole story even if it is fair. I can hand on heart say that I have apologised and been accountable for every mistake I've made; that I've never covered up any mistakes. So I choose to leave it at that. I am not my past. As far as I'm concerned, it does not define who I am. I have learned my lessons and I am longer the person I was in the past. For example, I wouldn't tell a future bf why I broke up with certain people, certain parts of my sex life, and the number of men I've slept with. I filter what I know to show myself in the best light. Everyone does this to some extent.

    Don't get me wrong. I don't cover up anything. I don't make fanciful stories about myself or misrepresent other people. I just don't say what's not worth mentioning.

    (Original post by Millie228)
    Past isn't everything, but it is something and as long as a person has options, they will have preference. Tons of guys out there wouldn't date a girl who's had a crazy amount of sex partners. She can defend herself saying past is past, but not really blame them if that is their POV.
    I agree with this and it sucks to some extent but men are driven by pretty much the same instincts they have always been. I never adjust my behaviour in case a man disapproves and I'm not terribly promiscuous. I will do what I want but simply not mention it later on (relationships excepted). If you're discrete about it, they won't ever find out.
 
 
 
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