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Could someone mark my GCSE answer please? AQA writing Watch

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    As part of my revision for English I've been answering questions, and if anyone could give me a bit of feedback for this question, I'd appreciate it so so much!

    Write a blog post explaining the things you intend to achieve this year and explaining how you intend to achieve them.

    It's 2013! A new year; a new start; and new goals. If any time of year is an appropriate time for setting targets, it's got to be January 1st. People throughout the world have been setting their New Year's resolutions recently, and I've certainly been setting my own, too...

    Firstly, I aim to make various achievements in school this year. My education has always been important to me, but this year will be more pivitol to my future than any before; it's packed with GCSE exams, controlled assessments, and college applications. It will be stressful. It will be hard work. But, if I can get the grades I'm aiming or, it will be worth it. How do I hope to acheive my academic aims this year? Simply, with lots of work. It seems there's no shortcut to success in Year 11; you simply haveto be committed to your education. So, wish me luck - I might need it!

    My second goal this year is to pass my Grade 5 saxophone exam. Music is, and always has been a passion of mine, and I hope that my ambition and enjoyment of playing instruments will drive me through this goal. It's difficult for my parents to stop me practising the saxophone - I think they're slightly sick of the continuous hum seeping out of my bedroom walls. However, this should be an advantage in helping me to pass the music exam this year.

    Finally, I aim to spend more time with my friends and family this year. Whilst I'm bombarded with the demands of school, it can be difficult to maintain a social life, unfortunately. So, this year, I'll be abandoning my saxophone, schoolwork and sleep, if possible, so that I can see my friends more often. You might wonder whether this will affect my other goals. I don't think so. It's important to get a comfortable balance of a home and school life, and I think that, if anything, having a break now and then might be beneficial to me.

    Above all, I aim to enjoy this year. With my mix of school, saxophone and a shiny, new social life, I think that having fun, whilst making worthwhile achievements, is something I can definitely acheive. Roll on 2013!

    ________________________________ _

    I know it's far from perfect (it was so tempting to edit it whilst typing it up!), so I'd really appreciate comments telling me how I can improve. If there are any devices I need to use more/less that would be really helpful

    Pleeeease help?!
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    Wow! Seriously, i know you wanted tips for improvement and this isn't a tip but that is REALLY good, it makes you want to read on and doesn't bore you! I wish i were able to think of ideas when writing and improve my writing
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    (Original post by amberox)
    Wow! Seriously, i know you wanted tips for improvement and this isn't a tip but that is REALLY good, it makes you want to read on and doesn't bore you! I wish i were able to think of ideas when writing and improve my writing
    Woah, thank you! Honestly I can still see lots and lots wrong with it, but thanks for the encouragement!
    And seriously, your writing's probably way better than you think I've been reading loads of sample answers online and panicking at how good they are too haha

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    (Original post by tingirl)
    Write a blog post explaining the things you intend to achieve this year and explaining how you intend to achieve them.

    It's 2013! A new year; a new start; and new goals.[content structure] If any time of year is an appropriate time for setting targets, it's got to be January 1st.[stylistic structure] People throughout the world have been setting their New Year's resolutions recently, and I've certainly been setting my own, too...[style for effect]

    Firstly,
    [piece structure] I aim to make various achievements in school this year. My education has always been important to me, but this year will be more pivitol to my future than any before;[sentence structure] it's packed with GCSE exams, [sentence structure]controlled assessments, and college applications. It will be stressful.[style for effect] It will be hard work. But, if I can get the grades I'm aiming or, it will be worth it. [content structure]How do I hope to acheive my academic aims [alliteration]this year? Simply with lots of work. It seems there's no shortcut to success in Year 11; you simply haveto be committed to your education. So, wish me luck - I might need it![stylistic structure]

    My second goal this year is to pass my Grade 5 saxophone exam.
    [piece structure] Music is, and always has been a passion of mine,[content structure]and I hope that my ambition and enjoyment of playing instruments will drive me through this goal. It's difficult for my parents to stop me practising the saxophone - I think they're slightly sick [sibilance]of the continuous hum seeping out of my bedroom walls. However, this should be an advantage in helping me to pass the music exam this year.[Content structure]

    Finally,
    [Piece structure]I aim to spend more time with my friends and family this year. Whilst I'm bombarded with the demands of school, it can be difficult to maintain a social life, unfortunately.[Sentence Structure] So, this year, I'll be abandoning my saxophone, schoolwork and sleep, [Sibilance/alliteration]if possible, so that I can see my friends more often. You might wonder whether this will affect my other goals.[Hints of engaged with reader] I don't think so. It's important to get a comfortable balance of a home and school life, and I think that, if anything, having a break now and then might be beneficial to me.[assignment engagement clear, hints at deeper concepts]

    Above all, I aim to enjoy this year. With my mix of school, saxophone and a shiny, new social life,
    [alliteration/sibilance] I think that having fun, whilst making worthwhile achievements, is something I can definitely acheive. Roll on 2013![Colloquial use for effect- suits piece rather than formal]
    ________________________________ _

    [Assignment overall is engaged, considers deeper metaphorical concepts, and relevant. Use of informal is appropriate and consistent, adding to the points in the piece. Maximum band marks. ]

    I know it's far from perfect (it was so tempting to edit it whilst typing it up!), so I'd really appreciate comments telling me how I can improve. If there are any devices I need to use more/less that would be really helpful

    Pleeeease help?!


    Is this a model answer?

    If not.... wow. Full marks, and to show I'm not just being lazy and saying that, I've put where I added marks in for you. There's one part where Simply could rephrase to 'Simple;' or similar, but that wouldn't even be picked on at graduate level.

    It's full marks. Nothing I can give feedback on. If this really is for GCSE, you have a very bright future in English ahead. If this was for A levels, it would still be touching full marks.

    That said, maybe share some of your other answers with us? Just to help make sure you're consistent
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    (Original post by Hal.E.Lujah)
    Is this a model answer?

    If not.... wow. Full marks, and to show I'm not just being lazy and saying that, I've put where I added marks in for you. There's one part where Simply could rephrase to 'Simple;' or similar, but that wouldn't even be picked on at graduate level.

    It's full marks. Nothing I can give feedback on. If this really is for GCSE, you have a very bright future in English ahead. If this was for A levels, it would still be touching full marks.

    That said, maybe share some of your other answers with us? Just to help make sure you're consistent
    Eeek, thanks! I didn't expect that at all Haha, nope it's not a model answer, I'm practising (and panicking!!!) for my GCSE exam next week! Thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate your comments !
    I did another 25 mins answer last night so I'll type it up in a moment and add it to this thread - it would be great if you could have a look at it please? Thanks again!
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    If you did this under the 25minute or 35minute timed condition than you will get A* in the real exam.
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    (Original post by tingirl)
    Eeek, thanks! I didn't expect that at all Haha, nope it's not a model answer, I'm practising (and panicking!!!) for my GCSE exam next week! Thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate your comments !
    I did another 25 mins answer last night so I'll type it up in a moment and add it to this thread - it would be great if you could have a look at it please? Thanks again!

    I'll look through it, just quote me again for attention
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    Here's another answer... I'm pretty sure this one's not as strong as the other one (especially towards the end and with some of the sentence structures), so I'd really like to hear what you think

    By the way, there's a mark scheme (for the same kind of question): http://store.aqa.org.uk/qual/newgcse...W-MS-JAN12.PDF
    This would be question 5, and there are two mark schemes for it (one's for the communication/organisation, the other's grammar). Honestly, don't feel like you have to spend forever marking this properly though, a couple of comments would be great!

    You local council is planning to develop a youth centre in your area. Write a letter to the leader of the council. Explain why a youth centre is a good idea and give information about the facilities and events you'd like to have there.

    Dear Mr. Biggs,

    As a young person living in Yorkshire, I was both delighted and excited by your council's recent decision to build a youth centre in my town, Howdon. I feel that the centre will be bursting with potential; whilst the youths themselves will obviously benefit from it, it's certain that the centre would be a valuable asset to the wider community too. I hope that you take the time to consider my suggestions as to how the new building can fulfil its potential.

    Firstly, I would like to suggest that some sports facilities are incorporated into the building's design. Recent research has shown that over the past year 25% more teenagers have shown a new interest in sport. Therefore, I feel that some type of sport facility would be popular amongst anyone attending the youth club. In particular, I would suggest that you consider building a small skate park outside the building. This would make Howdon a safer place; less youths would be skating on the roads, so accidents would be less likely. Everyone would support this.

    Furthermore, I hope that the centre offers fundraising events in aid of local charities. Local organisations, such as the Cat's Protection League, have already shown an interest in running charity events, but have just one problem: a lack of space. Why not give these organisations a chance to make a real difference to our community? Surely, fundraisers would be fun, fulfilling and successful.

    Finally, I believe that a homework club would be extremely useful and successful. At Howdon Church of England School, I have witnessed many of my peers claiming that they were unable to do their homework because they do not own a computer. Let's not forget that this is a youth centre. Facilities such as computers would certainly benefit youths. Homework help would be appreciated. It would allow us to improve. It would encourage us to approach learning with enthusiasm and allow us to make friends whilst doing so. What could be better?

    Ultimately, it's clear that the youth centre could easily be a popular place. As you politicians often say, "Youths are the future of our country" - with the promise of a youth centre, Yorkshire is truly embracing this idea. Everyone will benefit. Thank you for taking the time to read my suggestions.

    Yours sincerely,
    Hannah Surname.


    (Original post by Hal.E.Lujah)
    I'll look through it, just quote me again for attention
    Yay!
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    (Original post by tingirl)

    You local council is planning to develop a youth centre in your area. Write a letter to the leader of the council. Explain why a youth centre is a good idea and give information about the facilities and events you'd like to have there.

    Dear Mr. Biggs,[]

    As a young person living in Yorkshire, I was both delighted and excited
    [] by your council's recent decision to build a youth centre in my town, Howdon. I feel that the centre will be bursting with potential; []whilst the youths[Possible inconsistency] themselves will obviously benefit from it, it's certain that the centre would be a valuable asset to the wider community too.[] I hope that you take the time to consider my suggestions as to how the new building can fulfil its potential.[]

    Firstly,
    [] I would like to suggest that some sports facilities are incorporated into the building's design. []ecent research has shown that over the past year 25% more teenagers have shown a new interest in sport.[] Therefore, I feel that some type of sport facility would be popular amongst anyone attending the youth club. []In particular, I would suggest that you consider building a small skate park outside the building. This would make Howdon a safer place; less youths would be skating on the roads, so accidents would be less likely.[] Everyone would support this. [Possible slip in convincing style, however, point awarded for technique of appealing from the majority.]

    Furthermore,
    []I hope that the centre offers fundraising events in aid of local charities. Local organisations, such as the Cat's Protection League, have already shown an interest in running charity events, but have just one problem:[] a lack of space. Why not give these organisations a chance to make a real difference to our community? []Surely, fundraisers would be fun, fulfilling[] and successful.[]

    Finally, I believe that a homework club would be extremely useful and successful.
    []At Howdon Church of England School, I have witnessed many of my peers claiming that they were unable to do their homework because they do not own a computer. Let's not forget that this is a youth []centre. Facilities such as computers would certainly benefit youths.[] Homework help would be appreciated. It would allow us []to improve. It would encourage us to approach learning with enthusiasm and allow us to make friends whilst doing so. What could be better?[]

    Ultimately, it's clear that the youth centre could easily be a popular place. As you politicians often say,
    [I would avoid this, and instead put something more along the lines of 'I have heard it said that'. Currently, it only detracts from convincing style] "Youths are the future of our country" - with the promise of a youth centre, Yorkshire is truly embracing this idea. Everyone will benefit. Thank you for taking the time to read my suggestions.[]

    Yours sincerely,[]
    Hannah Surname.



    Yay!


    Another full marker, you've really grasped both assignments admirably.

    There are some small points I made on this one, minor indiscrepancies that aren't going to lose marks, but certainly worth avoiding. The only marks that might be missed here if you had a cruel examiner were on the slight shifts between Youths and peers, it felt that you were dancing between who was writing the letter.

    That aside, you had a very strong variety of techniques here, moreso even than the past piece.

    Again, a pleasure to read, and very well done. Hope you replicate this in the exam. :yy:
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    (Original post by Hal.E.Lujah)
    Another full marker, you've really grasped both assignments admirably.

    There are some small points I made on this one, minor indiscrepancies that aren't going to lose marks, but certainly worth avoiding. The only marks that might be missed here if you had a cruel examiner were on the slight shifts between Youths and peers, it felt that you were dancing between who was writing the letter.

    That aside, you had a very strong variety of techniques here, moreso even than the past piece.

    Again, a pleasure to read, and very well done. Hope you replicate this in the exam. :yy:
    Thank you so much for the advice, it's been really helpful! I hope I replicate this in the exam too lol Thanks again!
 
 
 
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