This is really just a way of getting things off my chest so to speak, but I would appreciate any comments/advice.
Anyway, getting to the point. I'm a 17 year old male, and for a few years now... i've felt like i'd be happier as a female. These thoughts arnt always around, but predominatly are when i'm having sexual thoughts, or specific ones about my life (such as having a partner, or children). Its got to the stage where i'm having these thoughts much more often aswell.
Some may say i just have a "fetish" of wanting to experiance sex as a woman, but its more than that. I can look at girls and instead of saying "wow, shes fit" I somethings think more along the lines of "I envy her, having such a great body". Dont get me wrong though, i do check out the occasional girl, but then again, I am bi anyway.
However, at times, i just crave a guy to hold me in his arms, and just have that feeling of closeness to him, to feel safe and secure, and to just feel loved. Again, I would love to have just a group of girlfriends, who i can chat to, look at clothes with, and do makeup etc. I want to be able to go to clubs, and peoples heads, checking me out as I go past.
And then theres children. I dont want to be a father, but I want to raise my kids as a mother, to have them grow inside me, and feel that closeness to them.
I have tried on womens clothing before, which always excited me, but i was utterly terrified of being found out. My parents are some of the least accepting you can have. My dad always makes homophobic comments if the situation arises, and I know he would never accept me doing somthing like a sex change. The same for my mother, other family, and friends.
Sometimes it makes me want to just explode inside, and have thought about suicide to deal with it, and it was a factore in a previous attempt, albeit a small one.
Its just hard, as I feel I just cant be who I want to be, and can feel like theres a war going on, not just in my head, but in my very flesh.