I've never been one to talk about stuff. I'm just not much of an emotional person. I laugh in awkward situations, and when my friends cry to me and tell me their problems, I try to make them laugh as quickly as possible. I just can't handle tears. I'm a very independent person, so I guess it's why it took me 9-10 years to finally say something, even if it is just posting on a thread. I hate when I cry. I gives me headaches and I just feel stupid doing it. Even when I'm down I beat myself up. Now that I'm writing this, every inch of me is screaming at me to stop because it's just foolish. But I fell that if I don't, I really will snap.
I'm in my first year of University and right now, I have two days till I have to return to school from Christmas break. I've had suicidal tendencies since I moved to Canada and entered school. I put up a front for my family. They believe elementary/ high school were at least moderately fun for me. However, my mother will never know how I was tormented every day. I was harassed daily by the other girls and even the boys. I have never in my life been a girly- girl. I'm uncomfortable in tight clothes, and I fell ugly with makeup on. Kids made fun of me because of this, and it didn't help that my mother did the same (not in a mean way, of course. She would just tell me how boys clothes looked ugly on me and that I should be more feminine). I never told her that with all the stress, I wanted to just kill myself. I know now that I was severely depresses. Looking back, I don't have one fond memory of elementary school. Because of all this bullying, I entered high school with low self esteem. This severely impacted my social life. I had better friends (I still see some of them to this day), but I was forever angry. I really do like people, but the daily grind of social interaction wore me down, and I found myself spending a lot of time alone. Living far from school did not help in maintaining friends either. I also knew from an early age that I liked girls. This continues to be the biggest secret I keep from my mother and the adults in my family. Only my cousins and brother know, and in our conservative, traditional family, coming out would not end well. when my cousin came out of the closet it shook my family, and it could be felt all the way back in Nigeria. It was a mess. I truly believe that if I do the same, it will kill my mother.
All of this is affecting my University experience. I am honestly dreading going back to school. I share a pod with five other girls in a residence building. I've always been closer with boys, and this is the first time in my life that I cannot avoid interacting with girls. I honestly hate living there. Every time one of them says something, I want to strangle them and shut them up. I've always like being alone, and now not only do I have a roommate but I have to share living space with five other girls. Don't get me wrong, they love me. I put on a mask every day to hide the sadness and bitterness. They love the fake me, which is the complete opposite of everything I've just said about myself. I'm loud and funny, and as long as I keep it that way, I'll have 'friends'. I've never had a true friend in my life. Sometimes, I can't even get out of bed. When I get too stressed, I get terrible migraines. I thought going to University would get me away from shallow, self- centered people, but it actually placed me right in the middle of them.
I feel I'm losing my mind. I nearly failed the course for my major. I thought I'd love it, but I cannot bring myself to enjoy it. I also can't eat anymore and all I want to do is sleep and never wake up again. The only thing I think I'm still holing on for is the fact that I love my family too much, and books. Nothing else brings me much joy. No one else knows this side of me, or at least the full extent of it. I can't even say it out loud to myself. I even feel embarrassed alone. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything to myself. I don't even have the guts to cut myself. I'm just not in a good place right now. I've been told I have a very good attitude. I don't let things get to me. I've brushed off so much in my life, the stuff I've written about is just things that have stuck with me and still haunt me. I can shrug off anything, but this depression is not going away. I've had to live with it for many years, and I don't want to anymore. Thank you for reading this. I actually feel slightly better.
Not doing too well.... Watch
- Thread Starter
- 04-01-2013 13:53
- 08-01-2013 18:38
I'm really sorry to hear this, it sounds like you've been really struggling hopefully writing it down and getting it out has helped a bit. The Samaritans are good people to email/call if you feel like talking to someone who will listen and not judge
(Original post by Anonymous)
- 11-01-2013 19:51
I can shrug off anything, but this depression is not going away. I've had to live with it for many years, and I don't want to anymore.
So I soldiered on dealing with it myself and over the past few weeks it has just got worse and worse. I've gone back to the doctors and I'm back on medication and I've been referred to Open Mind for what I assume will be counselling. I would definitely recommend getting professional support. It's also important to have someone to confide in. I've been confiding in a work colleague recently and it has made me feel a lot better being able to talk to someone about it and to know that someone cares.