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Is it wrong to be selfish in order to be happy? Watch

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    Hey,

    I've been with my fiancee for 2 and a half years now, engaged for 14 months. I want to do certain things in life that I know she doesn't agree with/doesn't interest her (travelling, motorbikes, cycle touring, that sort of thing).

    It got me wondering - I'm going off to uni in September, and our relationship at times can be a bit argue-y. We live in the same house (her parents, basically I fell out with my dad, moved in, then we became a couple) and we see each other every single day. The longest we went without seeing each other since 2009 was 4 days when I went to France in July and while we both found it hard, I get the impression that sometimes we do spend too much time together. We literally live in each other's pockets, and neither of us really do anything so I go to college, come home and that's it. She has her things but I'm always out anyway, so in reality it makes very little difference.

    I'm starting to feel trapped a little bit - she means well but we ended up rowing because I wanted a motorbike and she said it was dangerous/not practical/expensive and that while I was insured on her parent's car, I couldn't have one because her mum wouldn't have me insured on both. I couldn't see the logic in the insurance argument but.... anyway. She sees them as dangerous, yet I ride a bicycle on the road and there's no issue (well, she worries and that's the problem here, but she won't budge on the issue. I said if I wanted one that badly I'd just go and learn how to ride one and buy one - she said she'd have to seriously consider our relationship if I did that....)

    I just feel a little bit annoyed because anything she's ever wanted I've encouraged her to do, like going back to college to become a counselor, and she doesn't really seem to see that it works both ways.

    She feels like she holds me back and I've always told her that she doesn't but the honest truth is - she does sometimes, but I put up with it (for want of a better way of putting it) because I love her.

    I wasn't going to move out in September because I'm only a 20 minute train journey away from uni but I'm seriously reconsidering it now. I don't want us to bicker ourselves to death and split up, but I also don't want to end up splitting up because we grow apart.

    What should I do?
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    Hi there,

    You need to talk to her. I know you probably don't want to, but you seem to have ended up at the point where you have no other choice. This isn't going to get better - in fact, the longer it goes on, the worse it could be.

    If you talk to her, and try to make her see that you feel like she's not being fair to your ambitions, she may pay attention.

    And if she doesn't... Well. You can't substitute your happiness for hers all the time - and not over things that are completely your choice, like the motobike. You deserve to have your own hobbies, and make your own decisions. I bet she'd behave differently if this was the other way around.

    Talk to her. Good luck!
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    You REALLY need to talk to her honestly.

    It will be uncomfortable, but for the sake of your relationship lasting, DO IT!

    If you feel as though she is holding you back, then tell her. She may cry, and it may hurt, but its better, and will stop any resentment from building up, which can destroy relationships and marriages. Don't take the easy route for now as later on it will blow up in your face.

    I personally don't see anything wrong with doing the things you want to do, and if it is your money that you will be spending then i don't think there is a problem. However, if you are expecting her to chip in for the bike, then her opinion does matter and you should take that into consideration.

    Honestly, i think living at uni would be great for you two. You need to learn how to function without each other, and if your engaged there shouldn't be any trust issues or anything. You seem as though you are living in each others back pockets, and i think living apart could, in the end, bring you closer together as you might appreciate each other a bit more.

    It could help with the arguing as well. A relationship does mean compromise, so you may have to compromise some things, but DONT give up on all your dreams that she doesn't like or resentment will build within you, big time.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey,

    I've been with my fiancee for 2 and a half years now, engaged for 14 months. I want to do certain things in life that I know she doesn't agree with/doesn't interest her (travelling, motorbikes, cycle touring, that sort of thing).

    It got me wondering - I'm going off to uni in September, and our relationship at times can be a bit argue-y. We live in the same house (her parents, basically I fell out with my dad, moved in, then we became a couple) and we see each other every single day. The longest we went without seeing each other since 2009 was 4 days when I went to France in July and while we both found it hard, I get the impression that sometimes we do spend too much time together. We literally live in each other's pockets, and neither of us really do anything so I go to college, come home and that's it. She has her things but I'm always out anyway, so in reality it makes very little difference.

    I'm starting to feel trapped a little bit - she means well but we ended up rowing because I wanted a motorbike and she said it was dangerous/not practical/expensive and that while I was insured on her parent's car, I couldn't have one because her mum wouldn't have me insured on both. I couldn't see the logic in the insurance argument but.... anyway. She sees them as dangerous, yet I ride a bicycle on the road and there's no issue (well, she worries and that's the problem here, but she won't budge on the issue. I said if I wanted one that badly I'd just go and learn how to ride one and buy one - she said she'd have to seriously consider our relationship if I did that....)

    I just feel a little bit annoyed because anything she's ever wanted I've encouraged her to do, like going back to college to become a counselor, and she doesn't really seem to see that it works both ways.

    She feels like she holds me back and I've always told her that she doesn't but the honest truth is - she does sometimes, but I put up with it (for want of a better way of putting it) because I love her.

    I wasn't going to move out in September because I'm only a 20 minute train journey away from uni but I'm seriously reconsidering it now. I don't want us to bicker ourselves to death and split up, but I also don't want to end up splitting up because we grow apart.

    What should I do?
    I think if you are feeling trapped and are bickering a lot moving out might be a good idea, but only when you talk it through with her properly and make her understand that it is to stop you bickering and maintain your relationship. I had issues with my boyfriend when I moved uni because we used to spend every day together but when I moved he was round mine all the time, I'd be busy with work and he would be bored or distracting me and we would argue over silly things, which we had never done before. We had to agree to see each other 2 or so days every week instead and it did wonders, the bickering and fighting stopped and we are closer than ever.

    He has just gone travelling for 3 months but I can honestly say I know it is going to be fine If your girlfriend truly loves you she will let you do what you want to do with your life now, and it will save your relationship in the long term as you wont resent her for it when you are older.

    Hope that helps!
 
 
 
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