Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    ji
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Arghhhh)
    Only professionals are qualified to answer this question ,I know.

    But I'm not sure enough to ask a professional. I'll be as concise and non-bull**** as possible. Skim read it, covers 2 1/2 years. Don't trust myself as a judge of anything. If you have the time it would be great- even If you just tell me I'm an idiot.

    When I was 15 I had loads of questions. My parents argued a lot, they've never really gotten along together-if truth be told. I was always extremely shy and in-confident... but also "arty" and "adventurous"... I wanted to know about sex. So I searched it on Google. And... well I looked at everything. I really wish I hadn't. But I did. My neighbors are gossipy, I used to live in Germany when I was much younger (For a short amount of time- couple of years.) And I know they gossiped about that. When I was younger my brother (who is exceptionally bright) behaved inappropriately. Some how he knew about sex and incorporated it into our child hood games, with dolls and the like. He also showed me his penis-I clearly remember him looking at me directly in the eye's and smiling. It's not as if it was completely one sided all though he started it, I let it carry on because I was curious-too curious for my own good. Admitted these private memories on online forum. Didn't want to make a fuss, felt like there was something wrong with me, wanted to talk about it. It was very helpful, most people told me that this sort of thing was more common than you'd think and that it was OK. There is a free internet service that both me and my neighbors use, my Dad also used to watch over what I did on the internet from his lap-top (he's a computer programmer-I'm not sure which wireless connection he used.) I know this because he let things slip. Also I guessed his email password and found that he watches over our emails too. Somewhere along the line my neighbors got access to my internet history. I remember going into school and suddenly guys where interested in me. I had no idea why at the time- I thought it was some sort of practical joke. (average looking without make-up, nothing special in any way.) I'd liked this guy for years and suddenly he payed attention to me. It coincided with the a-for-mentioned events. We did get on quite well, I think he thought I was funny. He asked me out, it was adorable but I just ignored him. It felt wrong. At the time I linked it with the thing with my brother, it seemed logical at the time. Looking back I think I felt that he didn't really like me.
    Eventually I realized that everyone knew everything, got really depressed, felt disgusting, worthless ect. I used not to eat. I thought it would be better if I was thinner. I lied to my best friend I told her that I weighed an entire stone less than I did. It wasn't pre- mediated it just came out. The only explanation for it is attention seeking. She blacklisted me, during my G.C.S.E's. Nobody would talk to me-silence treatment. Teachers knew too. It didn't happen all at once but gradually. She wasn't the best of friends, she used to count my blackheads, which I'm still ridiculously neurotic about and imply that I was stupid. I decided that the whole purpose of school was to study and just focused on that. Went to college with less than 20 fellow students but gossip spread. I was stupid and didn't realize again. I thought this guy liked me, he was hilarious, clever and sweet, really. I was amazed that he would show any interest in me. Turned out he just heard stuff and thought I would have sex with him, but I loved him, probably only because I was pretty emotionally vulnerable at the time but still. It was a misunderstanding. This sort of thing happened a lot. People looked at me weirdly. I remember sitting in this computer room and this guy randomly going on and on about how rich he was and how it made girls want to suck his ****- he practically nudged me. I cried. Felt terrible. Skipped lessons. It's the best college in the area. I love reading and art- got A*'s in GCSE Literature + Art. Was a B grade student otherwise. (Xcept C in maths, D french). Found I couldn't concentrate, could only think about being a liar and a terrible person. Instead of going to lessons I walked miles to and from home- live far away- nobody walks to college from where I live. Think one day I walked 20 miles, just to get things off my mind or get away. My Mum was really angry with me. Really late home. Mum went looking for me, really angry. It was December. I quit college took the rest of the year off. Got really depressed. Lazy. Couldn't find work. Gave up, didn't look after my self, Any job interviews I got went terribly. Was happy to be away from College, wasn't sure if I was capable academically anyway. Waste of a year. Very, very stupid.

    The time for applying for next years college came around. Thought I could change. Become a better person. Expected a fresh start but didn't happen. Found studies really hard. After a year off, felt I wasn't as on the ball as I used to be. Never really got back into the swing of things. Got C's and Ds in my AS's. Went for the college with the worse reputation, but larger number of students to avoid gossip. There are 6000 students at this college but still felt like people knew stuff. I still feel like people do. Felt like my art teacher disliked me. He said I was talented. But kept making snide remarks about things. As did some student's. Barely kept up with course work. But took better care of my self. Ended up looking kind of ok- even slightly above average looking. Made a few friends. I'm currently completing 2 and a half a levels. I dropped out of art but took up philosophy AS, and will have 2 finished A2 levels by the end of this year. Can't go to university. Had a part time job as waitress in till recently- employer had finance issues, but promise d good reference. feel a bit terrible, most of the time. It eats away at you. I occasionally don't eat but only to lose weight- once I've achieved a weight loss I go back to eating pretty much normally. I drink lot's of water, really strict about eating fatty food. Have 5 fruit and veg a day. ect etc. This guy I like noticed and sort of hints about it. It sounds like he's trying to be helpful. But somehow I feel like he's ****ing with my head. He's lovely. A bit childish, but he is 2 years younger than me. He's the sort of person that's kinda just interested in sex. I mean I'm sure he'll mature. I'm really not that attractive. He keeps trying to talk to me but I can't do it. He thinks I'm shy, he knows that I've never been with anyone. I got it into my head that he should be with someone else, he has this friend and this flirtation goes on and I decided he'd be better off with her. This random guy on a bus mentioned his name. He made too much eye contact and raised his voice so that I could hear it. He talked about this guy he knew who tried to talk to this girl who was "good looking" apparently he'd been trying to talk to her for months, why hadn't he ****ed her yet? He also made me aware that people look at my Facebook page and that this guy I like will probably be on to somebody else. I got so close though, I'd convinced my self that I didn't need anybody like that. And now I realize I'd actually quite like a relationship.

    I've gotten ridiculously behind with coursework again- that's laziness. But I am unhappy too. My tutor talked to me about it, she told me off, mentioned self esteem and suggested I had a lack of it, that it obviously effects my relationships. She want's me to make the best of my A levels, she said that I was obviously an intelligent girl, and that people wonder why I don't just do it. I'm not sure if she meant class mates or teachers. She said that I should focus on making things right but was also quite condemning- I can't help but wonder if she's heard something about me. She phoned my Mum and my Mum said she asked whether I was depressed or not. She didn't mention it to me but maybe she thought I wouldn't share it with her.

    My Mum's Dad is a depressive, he's taken anti-depressants since age 20-82 (his current age). They haven't done any good. She was really reluctant about me possibly being depressed. In the past 2 years she's ranged from thinking that I'm just being "silly" or "lazy" to suggesting that maybe I should visit my GP. I feel like she doesn't believe I'm really depressed. So I don't believe I am. Which makes me feel even worse, like I'm some lazy prick that uses depression as an excuse. Or is she going by experience? Does it go back to her Dad? (He's quite a lazy person- been retired since he was 50.)

    Do you think I should go and see somebody? Will they take me seriously or does this all sound ridiculous?

    I don't expect anybody to answer this - it's so long. I generally try not to talk about my self too much- so it's been repressed a bit. Sorry. Thank you very much if you do answer.
    Hi, I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through and are still going through. I can't help too much on your past but I've had depression for just over a year now. I got it when I moved to uni, a long way from home and also had a relationship end badly at the same time. I was reluctant to go to my GP too, you think you'll sound like an idiot and waste their time. I was convinced to go by a friend, unfortunately I didn't get a good doctor. It was the doctors at uni that I'd just signed up to so didn't know any of them or what to expect. He asked too many questions and I felt like he was very patronising, but if you know the doctors at your surgery or you have your own GP that you get on with, I think you should go. They ask you about your day to day activities and you have to take a short test, which asks you about your thoughts, how often you have suicidal thoughts, if you did/do self harm etc. I got a high rating and was diagnosed with severe depression and given anti depressants. To be honest, like you said about your mothers father, I don't think they really did anything. The doctor was very insistent on me seeing a counsellor but I refused as I hate talking about how I feel - I don't know whether this is something you could consider? It's supposed to be very good but it's just not for me. Anyway, I went home for a week from uni and saw my doctor at home who I know, and she was much more helpful. She was sympathetic but in a nice way! She told me to keep a diary, write your thoughts down and feelings down. It's just a way to vent and you'll be surprised how it lifts a weight from you. Also to find a creative outlet. I see from your post that you're into art. I'm not good at it but I like it, and my creative outlet was a colouring book! Sounds ridiculous but when I was angry, frustrated or just upset or feeling helpless, I would colour in my colouring book. It might just be me, but it was calming! So going to a doctor is completely your choice, and they will professionally tell you if you need treatment or not.
    Luckily I have a really supportive family and I've now got a boyfriend who I can talk to, he knows all about my depression. Being around my friends and family are what help me to feel better, as much as you might want to be alone or just stay in bed all day (which I did for about a month) you have to force yourself to be around people or just go out and get some fresh air, it really does help.

    Sorry I've rambled but I hope you can pick some sort of advice from my reply. I really hope you start to feel better soon!
    Sarah x
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Sarah06)
    Hi, I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through and are still going through. I can't help too much on your past but I've had depression for just over a year now. I got it when I moved to uni, a long way from home and also had a relationship end badly at the same time. I was reluctant to go to my GP too, you think you'll sound like an idiot and waste their time. I was convinced to go by a friend, unfortunately I didn't get a good doctor. It was the doctors at uni that I'd just signed up to so didn't know any of them or what to expect. He asked too many questions and I felt like he was very patronising, but if you know the doctors at your surgery or you have your own GP that you get on with, I think you should go. They ask you about your day to day activities and you have to take a short test, which asks you about your thoughts, how often you have suicidal thoughts, if you did/do self harm etc. I got a high rating and was diagnosed with severe depression and given anti depressants. To be honest, like you said about your mothers father, I don't think they really did anything. The doctor was very insistent on me seeing a counsellor but I refused as I hate talking about how I feel - I don't know whether this is something you could consider? It's supposed to be very good but it's just not for me. Anyway, I went home for a week from uni and saw my doctor at home who I know, and she was much more helpful. She was sympathetic but in a nice way! She told me to keep a diary, write your thoughts down and feelings down. It's just a way to vent and you'll be surprised how it lifts a weight from you. Also to find a creative outlet. I see from your post that you're into art. I'm not good at it but I like it, and my creative outlet was a colouring book! Sounds ridiculous but when I was angry, frustrated or just upset or feeling helpless, I would colour in my colouring book. It might just be me, but it was calming! So going to a doctor is completely your choice, and they will professionally tell you if you need treatment or not.
    Luckily I have a really supportive family and I've now got a boyfriend who I can talk to, he knows all about my depression. Being around my friends and family are what help me to feel better, as much as you might want to be alone or just stay in bed all day (which I did for about a month) you have to force yourself to be around people or just go out and get some fresh air, it really does help.

    Sorry I've rambled but I hope you can pick some sort of advice from my reply. I really hope you start to feel better soon!
    Sarah x

    I think I might take this off, I'm not sure if I like people reading this. Fire2burn- (mod) emailed me and suggested some services that could be of help. But I didn't want you to not know how helpful ya'v been. All of your advice was great. I noticed that your question is next to mine. I'm sorry that I cant help you, I don't know anything about uni or being away from home. Hope you feel better too. X
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    How old are you? Coming from experience I doubt you'd need anti depressants. Depression is pretty common and I'm no doctor but I'd say you'd have mild depression. I know hearing mild can sometimes be off putting because it feels fake, it's not fake at all and it's not very nice feeling sad. I think a lot of whats in your life is normal stuff that people, and you will, move on from and you'll be happy. I'd say you're good but everyone needs to do little things to make them happy.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hzKl5-xVRY This is a good video on the little things.
    Good luck
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Arghhhh)
    I think I might take this off, I'm not sure if I like people reading this. Fire2burn- (mod) emailed me and suggested some services that could be of help. But I didn't want you to not know how helpful ya'v been. All of your advice was great. I noticed that your question is next to mine. I'm sorry that I cant help you, I don't know anything about uni or being away from home. Hope you feel better too. X
    I'm glad I was of some help The main thing I've learnt is that you have to be willing to help yourself. That's really important. Try finding different ways of making yourself feel better before seeing a GP if you can cos if you can avoid medication that's always best. Don't let your age put you off going though, if it's a problem it's a problem. I was 18 when I was diagnosed. Good luck xx


    Posted from TSR Mobile
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: January 7, 2013
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Did TEF Bronze Award affect your UCAS choices?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.