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I'm in a secret relationship with my ex-tutor..please help me. Watch

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    I'm still at the college he teaches at (will be heading off to uni in Sep). Already got 3 A-levels (one of which was in the course he taught me for) - currently staying on to take an extra one.

    I'm 19 and he's 41. We got into this secret relationship about 3 months ago and it's just horrific..I'm permantely unhappy because of the conditions of the relationship. I truly, truly love him but the secrecy is so destructive for the relationship and he never really seems to understand it - just expected/expects me to deal with it. Whenever we're out, I often have to linger behind in case he sees somebody he knows, if we go to the shops I'll have to wait outside..there's essentially no affection between us in the outside world through fear of being seen.

    I keep telling him I feel incredibly insecure in the relationship and he just essentially says, he can't make me feel any more secure but he really can. I'm dealing with the relationship so badly, I know I am, I'll constantly argue and bring up issues with him but he's hardly ever receptive - just says I need to relax and be happy in the relationship.

    He says I’m demanding and unstable – but this relationship is really crushing me – not being able to talk to anybody about it; it stops me from enjoying it. His dad is ill, ex is unhappy and his work is consuming – so, what he essentially says to me is - please stop being unhappy and start finding this easier, because I can’t deal with these crises talks every day. Meaning that I’m now in a position of feeling somewhat forced to suppress my sadness through fear of it destructing our relationship.

    When a relationship between two people is unknown to everybody else, you begin to preserve the secret over the union – so I think we’re looking after a secret and not a relationship.

    What do I do?
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    I feel he's being selfish, but he's made me think that I am. I just feel utterly lost at present.
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    Regardless of the nature of your relationship, you're not happy. End it.
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    (Original post by Sweet_Heart)
    Regardless of the nature of your relationship, you're not happy. End it.
    The hard thing about that is, I don't know whether the unhappiness is only linked to the current conditions, i.e the secrecy. Once that's gone (once I've left college) the relationship may be wonderful.
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    No easy way to say this but he is using you for sex. You have to end it. He is old enough to be your Dad and you'll never have a future together unless in 20 years time you want to be wiping his -.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The hard thing about that is, I don't know whether the unhappiness is only linked to the current conditions, i.e the secrecy. Once that's gone (once I've left college) the relationship may be wonderful.
    Regardless of that he seems to be treating you like a child also why are you with a 41 year old in the first place? I'm not saying its wrong but it's a bit....strange don't you think?


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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The hard thing about that is, I don't know whether the unhappiness is only linked to the current conditions, i.e the secrecy. Once that's gone (once I've left college) the relationship may be wonderful.
    No, because the issue here isn't the secrecy it's the fact that he doesn't seem to care about your feelings and you aren't to be a priority for him. Don't stay in a relationship under the illusion that things might get better one day when you could be enjoying yourself now.
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    This is what happens when a young and naive girl fulfils her 'older guy' fantasy.
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    part of me can understand his side, it is a secret, it has to be a secret, you cant be seen close together in public and there's nothing either of you can do about it but he's not being very comforting or considerate.

    his dad being ill is a pretty good reason not to want to be burdened with your insecurities at the moment, especially if they are causing problems and arguments every single day.

    surely you know what you were getting into by dating a teacher? there's no possible way for you to be together or affectionate in public, there just isnt and moaning about it wont change that so you can either accept it or move on.

    Personally i'd say end it, you're not happy and you're making him unhappy.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The hard thing about that is, I don't know whether the unhappiness is only linked to the current conditions, i.e the secrecy. Once that's gone (once I've left college) the relationship may be wonderful.
    9 months is quite a long time to be this uncomfortable, and because of the nature of the relationship it may still be a secret once you're at university. In other words, you might be uncomfortable for a very long time. Since there are plenty of other men who could make you happy, my advice would be to end the relationship. I have no problem with the age difference between you, but it may remain uneasy for you for quite some time.

    I should also point out that the longer the relationship goes on for, the higher the chance of someone finding out about it. And if people know, they may report it to the police and he would get arrested. It doesn't matter whether you were over the age of consent or not, it is illegal for a teacher to have a relationship with a student of theirs (and you had this relationship while he was teaching you, if I understand your post correctly). Just bear that in mind when considering how to continue.

    I hope you manage to find a solution that makes you happy.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The hard thing about that is, I don't know whether the unhappiness is only linked to the current conditions, i.e the secrecy. Once that's gone (once I've left college) the relationship may be wonderful.
    You're deluded if you think that. Even after you've left college he still won't want to be seen with you because he still risks getting fired for it. This isn't a problem that's going to go away any time soon.

    Plus, as Care-free said, his concerns about not being affectionate with you in public are pretty reasonable, given the fact that his career would be over if he was caught.

    I really don't think this relationship has a happy ending, I'm afraid.
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    (Original post by MancBoy)
    This is what happens when a young and naive girl fulfils her 'older guy' fantasy.
    no, this is what happens when someone in a position of trust cant keep themselves under control, he's in the wrong here.
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    1 Regardless whom it is, if you are in a relationship and are not married nor have children, and the relationship makes you unhappy, you leave the other person. It doesn't matter whom it's with. Only in case of something as serious as marriage should you consider staying for a while longer.

    2 As it's the secrecy, tell him you're taking a break, and call him once you are no longer in school. That really seems to be the only option (or a FWB type relationship)
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    When you entered a secret relationship with a 41 year old, why on earth did you think it would ever work out...
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    I think you should end it, he should not be dating somehow he had responsibility for anyway, shows serious lack of character in my opinion.
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    Just ask yourself. In a year's time, 2 years, 5 years, 10, 20, 30… Do you think you can stay with this man?

    I'd avoid. Now. Before **** happens. Which it will.
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    We were never in a relationship while he was my tutor - after results in August, we talked more and finally established something late October.
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    You may be in love with this man, but relationships are meant to be enjoyable for both of you. You can fall in love again. If you find that the relationship isn't worth keeping, you still have time to find somebody else. It's also not healthy to keep this secret, do you honestly see yourselves still being a secret in the next, say, 5 years? If not your parents yet, tell a friend, tell someone.
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    It will still be taboo and embarrassing and awkward once you're no longer at the college. The age difference, the fact that he was supposed to be in a position of trust for you once, will keep it weird. I speak from experience, though the age gap was maybe 3 or 4 years less and I was older. Just part ways.
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    (Original post by Care-Free)
    no, this is what happens when someone in a position of trust cant keep themselves under control, he's in the wrong here.
    Oh please, she's not some innocent naive little girl. She's a full grown adult who knows exactly what shes doing. Why do people always blame the man in these situations, it was equally both of their faults for indulging in some silly secret fantasy that, in the real world, is never going to work out. 19 is more than old enough to know better.
 
 
 
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