I'm in a secret relationship with my ex-tutor..please help me.

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I don't think it's actually illegal what he's doing in dating you now that you're no longer a student of his, though it'll certainly be highly frowned upon by the organisation as it could have implications of grooming since you'd have been 17 when you first met him I assume? Anybody know the exact legalities ? I'd say challenge him to be more open with you outside of college, obviously whilst you're in college no touching etc, it'd still seem utterly weird seeing a teacher and student going hand in hand!

Reply 21

Care-Free

Original post by glousck

Oh please, she's not some innocent naive little girl. She's a full grown adult who knows exactly what shes doing. Why do people always blame the man in these situations, it was equally both of their faults for indulging in some silly secret fantasy that, in the real world, is never going to work out. 19 is more than old enough to know better.

I'm not blaming him for being a man. im blaming him for being with her as a teacher. she could throw herself at him naked, he should still say no. and my answer would be the same if the genders are switched.
And in an earlier post i said she should have known what she was getting into by dating a teacher, implying she had some of the responsibility too.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 22

smudge_moon

Understand that what he's trying to do is give you a better future. He can quit now and you can be open and free but he'll have an issue trying to find a job and some places may discriminate based on the fact he's with an ex pupil, or you can spend the next few month being private and hiding and then he'll still have a job and be able to provide for the two of you. Can you not go to his house and just feel more normal if going out together is making you feel bad?

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Reply 23

Sweet_Heart

Original post by Spoogle

She is still a student at the school, and as such it is still illegal. The illegality of it after school however, comes into whether they can trace a link back to when she WAS at school and a pupil of his. If enough evidence could be gathered to suggest that they had a relationship whilst she was a pupil and he a teacher, especially considering he would have been directly responsible for her education at one point, then the consequences could be astronomical.

It is slightly different as she is over the age of consent, but even so, his career in education would be destroyed if anyone wanted to delve into the matter (usually concerned parents), because the school would be obliged to do a full investigation and drag any necessary information/witnesses up.

Reply 24

Ronove

Original post by smudge_moon

You actually think the guy is going to stay with her and marry her and have kids with her etc etc and they'll live happily ever after? It would take a lot of compromises and an uncannily similar outlook on life to get over that age gap.

Reply 25

smudge_moon

Original post by Ronove

No, what I'm trying to say is obviously thinking of the future of when they come out together as I'm sure her parents are going to be more accepting if he's able to provide for her, and maybe he doesn't want to go to prison because he thinks the relationship will work. She's 19, she knows what she's doing. She's not a little 15 year old with a crush on her maths teacher.

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Reply 26

Treeroy

Original post by danny111

I think you should end it, he should not be dating someone he had responsibility for anyway, shows serious lack of character in my opinion.

Not just lack of character, but he will soon be lacking a job, and will never be able to be a teacher again. He might even never get another job, because it is an illegal relationship and he can be arrested.

Age differences are odd at best, but the word "Illegal" should be a stop sign for you both.

Even if you make it past college in the relationship, when the relationship is open he will still have committed the crime, and so can still be arrested. Nothing will ever change that.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 27

roh

Original post by smudge_moon

To be honest if they come out together and there is a hint, if not proof, the relationship stems to the time in a position of trust he's likely to be damaged goods in education. Put yourself in the position of someone recruiting who has suspicions that may be the case (which is likely, because it is the case) you're not going to go near them with a bargepole.

Them staying secret now is, I imagine, about avoiding any possible criminal charges as he's flirting dangerously with parts of of the Sexual Offences Act.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 28

smudge_moon

Original post by roh

I see what your saying, but if it was hinted at, I imagine he would quit his job so he did not have a bad reference. Teachers are commonly involved in these kid of accusations, true and false. A teacher at my primary school was accused by a mother that he had touched her son up, what had actually happened was the child had fallen over and he had merely helped him up, it was backed up by CCTV and the mum was bitter at the teacher because her son was not doing well in class. He later went on to be a headteacher at another school, so it didn't taint him too much. I think if you do anything slightly illegal you try to keep it a secret.

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Reply 29

spun29

Original post by Anonymous

I'm still at the college he teaches at (will be heading off to uni in Sep). Already got 3 A-levels (one of which was in the course he taught me for) - currently staying on to take an extra one.

I'm 19 and he's 41. We got into this secret relationship about 3 months ago and it's just horrific..I'm permantely unhappy because of the conditions of the relationship. I truly, truly love him but the secrecy is so destructive for the relationship and he never really seems to understand it - just expected/expects me to deal with it. Whenever we're out, I often have to linger behind in case he sees somebody he knows, if we go to the shops I'll have to wait outside..there's essentially no affection between us in the outside world through fear of being seen.

I keep telling him I feel incredibly insecure in the relationship and he just essentially says, he can't make me feel any more secure but he really can. I'm dealing with the relationship so badly, I know I am, I'll constantly argue and bring up issues with him but he's hardly ever receptive - just says I need to relax and be happy in the relationship.

He says I’m demanding and unstable – but this relationship is really crushing me – not being able to talk to anybody about it; it stops me from enjoying it. His dad is ill, ex is unhappy and his work is consuming – so, what he essentially says to me is - please stop being unhappy and start finding this easier, because I can’t deal with these crises talks every day. Meaning that I’m now in a position of feeling somewhat forced to suppress my sadness through fear of it destructing our relationship.

When a relationship between two people is unknown to everybody else, you begin to preserve the secret over the union – so I think we’re looking after a secret and not a relationship.

What do I do?

tbh i can see why he wants the relationship to be secret....when the "society" finds out about it, they will blame no one but him for this "unethical" relationship with huge age gap that the society considers...then they may not allow you guys to stay together with all the bad rumours spread in your families and friends...i do think age should be considered in a relationship but if you REALLY like him and so does he then you guys be open about your relationship when you are a bit older...like when u are 20/21 which is a considerable age imo...

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(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 30

Treeroy

Original post by roh

Them staying secret now is, I imagine, about avoiding any possible criminal charges as he's flirting dangerously with parts of of the Sexual Offences Act.

But that isn't going to change once she's out of college. He will still have committed a crime, and can still be charged.

Reply 31

smudge_moon

Original post by Treeroy

But that isn't going to change once she's out of college. He will still have committed a crime, and can still be charged.

If there is proof. If they've been smart and covered everything then it might be okay.

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Reply 32

Treeroy

Original post by smudge_moon

If there is proof. If they've been smart and covered everything then it might be okay.

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Eh, well that is true. But it still wouldn't be a good enough reason for me personally.

Reply 33

Care-Free

Original post by Treeroy

But that isn't going to change once she's out of college. He will still have committed a crime, and can still be charged.

only if anyone can prove that the relationship was happening while she was a student, its not a crime to date a past pupil.

Reply 34

roh

Original post by smudge_moon

Yes, but that's an allegation which turned out to be utterly false and unsubstantiated. In this case he's come out as in a relationship with one of his former pupils, there is something there, it's just a case of asking 'when did it start?'. Him being in a relationship with her will make interviewers ask this to themselves, and if they have any suspicion that it may have been before she left they won't employ him. Teaching's a small world, people know each other, and unless he goes to a tribunal or court to clear his name (probably not a good idea given he's actually done what he's claiming he hasn't) then people will ask questions.

Original post by Treeroy

But that isn't going to change once she's out of college. He will still have committed a crime, and can still be charged.

Yes, but if they come out far enough away in time from her leaving and having covered their tracks well it's less likely an investigation would be triggered.

Reply 35

thescientist17

End it. Enough said. :goaway:

Reply 36

Anonymous #1

In regards to illegality, the law actually states that - The abuse of a position of trust is a criminal offence under the Sexual Offences Act 2003. The act says that a person over the age of 18 who is in a position of trust over a person under the age of 18 commits a criminal offence if they involve the younger person in sexual activity.

No law has been broken. Colleges have their own respective laws and in most situations, yes, he'd most likely lose his job.

Reply 37

Treeroy

Original post by Anonymous

I'm certain that the abuse of a position of trust clause covers majors, but I'll have a look through the legislation and check again.

I'm sure that doctors aren't allowed to have sex with their patients, for example.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 38

Ronove

Original post by Treeroy

Erm... if the patient has any hint of mental incapacity, sure. And it's certainly a big faux-pas to get involved with a someone who will continue to be your patient for a while. But of course doctors can get involved with their patients if that is simply how they met and they won't be meeting in a professional capacity again/the doctor didn't hit on the person while doing their job...

Reply 39

wannabemed

He should not even be looking at you-he is old enough to be your dad and was your teacher at that. Regardless of if your course has ended or not if his intentions are good there is no reason you should have to be secret about your relationship. Male college lecturers are often in the job for the young girls they teach and doubtlessly he will have been with others before you, and will go with others after you.
He is the older of you both-of course you are immature-so his life problems have nothing to do with you nor should you be expected to take any responsibility for them. He is with you for one thing only and this relationship has no future whatsoever.
Tell him you will confide in another, trusted, female lecturer and see what he says. After all, you are no longer his 'student'. He is abusing his position of trust and authority and if you were my daughter I would be absolutely fuming with him. Love in such an unequal relationship of power is unhealthy and does not make for a good relationship. I sincerely hope you go off to uni in September and start off without this man, and find a relationship which is happy and with someone more your age.