Confiding in strangers

I find it rather weird to feel that confiding in strangers is much more easier than confiding in your closest friends. Almost like it is 'safer' to confide in someone you don't know coz theres a dark secret that you're about to reveal about yourself or something and you don't want to tell your friends about it coz you might think it would ruin their perception of you. Does anybody else feels this? well...i know i feel this to a certain extent. Like the other day, i had to tell my doctor some really personal things and not even my bestest friend knows about it!

Take this forum for example, i know theres the anonymous option but reading through some of your problems, it sounds to me like most of you never talked to your friends or family about it but don't mind spilling it out here. Does it feel 'safer' to confide in strangers? or am i wrong?

I'd just like to know some of your views about this. Coz i cant really confide in my friends even though i dont mind being an agony aunt to them.

Note that i didn't post this anonymously! :rolleyes:

Reply 1

No Future

17

Oh yes, and they can offer an outside opinion.

Reply 2

rockthecasbah

2

I totally agree. With the internet especially, you can just say whatever you like, because you know that you're most likely never going to see these people in real life and feel all embarassed about what they know about you.
I swear, I never tell my friends anything... anymore at least. The last time I confided in a friend, and she said she'd kept my 'secret', it got round and I couldn't even look him (guess what it was :p:

) in the face.
When you confide with strangers, you can just switch the computer off anytime, go back to your life, and then switch it back on when you want to.

Reply 3

Ting-Ting

OP

Yeah i see what you mean about the internet thingy....aaah the wonders of the internet!

But i find that im blabbing alot more to people i dont know. Like im on my placement year this year and already my new housemate (we were strangers before we moved in together) already knows much more than my immediate family and friends! I guess its kinda comforting in a way...

Reply 4

rockthecasbah

2

Ting-Ting

Yeah i see what you mean about the internet thingy....aaah the wonders of the internet!

But i find that im blabbing alot more to people i dont know. Like im on my placement year this year and already my new housemate (we were strangers before we moved in together) already knows much more than my immediate family and friends! I guess its kinda comforting in a way...

I think also maybe it's because as you get older, you kind of understand more the sorts of people who would make good friends with you, if that makes sense? For example the majority of friends I have now I have either known them since secondary, maybe even primary, so they sort of know me already, why do I need to tell them anymore? Plus through time I've grown apart from most of them, but you still keep them as friends because it's a sense of security, and it's not like we don't get along, we just aren't as close. However, they are a select few who I would tells loads to, perhaps not everything, but those people who you can talk to on the phone for hours. They are probably friends made more recently I'd say.

Reply 5

fuglyduckling

2

If I want to post something and get an honest, unbiased opinion, TSR is great for that. I love my friends but they're part of my 'bubble' and can't always give me non partisan advice. Also, sometimes I just want to discuss things but not go through with them: i.e. I like this girl, should I go for her etc.?

Reply 6

What's Chico Time Precious?

12

I find the opposite myself...i never confide in strangers or tell my little life events to them...it is always to friends.
This situation i am in the middle of at the moment, I have trawled over and over it meticulously with 1 friend, a few know parts, but the majority know absolutely nothing about it...
If they are your friends then surely you can tell them anything and they would listen, offer advice/criticism...i would expect them to do the same with me...

Reply 7

keenya2006

I love talking to strangers. They are so fun. Big shout out to my boys from last night : Nin and Ferrus :smile:

Reply 8

Emperor Wu

Ting-Ting

I find it rather weird to feel that confiding in strangers is much more easier than confiding in your closest friends. Almost like it is 'safer' to confide in someone you don't know coz theres a dark secret that you're about to reveal about yourself or something and you don't want to tell your friends about it coz you might think it would ruin their perception of you. Does anybody else feels this? well...i know i feel this to a certain extent. Like the other day, i had to tell my doctor some really personal things and not even my bestest friend knows about it!

I do that a lot. I confide in my friends for most things but there are issues I speak about only with my GP or counselor. I think it's natural due to a lack of emotional attachment which helps to (usually) prevent you feeling silly or worried. Besides, they don't judge you.

Ting-Ting

Take this forum for example, i know theres the anonymous option but reading through some of your problems, it sounds to me like most of you never talked to your friends or family about it but don't mind spilling it out here. Does it feel 'safer' to confide in strangers? or am i wrong?

The internet is the only place I find I'm able to confide in non-professional strangers. I'm always happy to talk to people on the internet I know nothing about. Not sure why. Anonymity seemed the obvious answer but considering I never really make attempts to hide my identity... I guess it's just more comfortable, especially since it's not face to face (unless you do web cam :p:

).

Ting-Ting

I'd just like to know some of your views about this. Coz i cant really confide in my friends even though i dont mind being an agony aunt to them.

Heh, I'm the same. Always the shoulder to cry on, never the one doing the crying.

What's Chico Time Precious?

If they are your friends then surely you can tell them anything and they would listen, offer advice/criticism...i would expect them to do the same with me...

You'd think so but not always, unfortunately.
I find it easy to talk to my favoured friends about life, love, et cetera, however when it comes to personal and/or medical problems (such as depression) I find I can only confide in people I have no real relationship with. That's largely due to the fact that they (the outsider) understand the situation whereas my friends wouldn't though I don't doubt they'd support me and try to. Sometimes it's for the best for them too. In theory true friends are there no matter what but you could easily dump too much emotional baggage on them.
Still, I guess it comes down to the type of people you and your friends are, which is what makes diversity so wonderful. :biggrin:

Reply 9

rockthecasbah

2

Emperor Wu

I find it easy to talk to my favoured friends about life, love, et cetera, however when it comes to personal and/or medical problems (such as depression) I find I can only confide in people I have no real relationship with. That's largely due to the fact that they (the outsider) understand the situation whereas my friends wouldn't though I don't doubt they'd support me and try to. Sometimes it's for the best for them too. In theory true friends are there no matter what but you could easily dump too much emotional baggage on them.
Still, I guess it comes down to the type of people you and your friends are, which is what makes diversity so wonderful. :biggrin:

I find I can't really talk to my friends about my problems. Once when I was a blubbering mess and not thinking straight, I phoned up my friend and ranted on about my problems, and I regretted doing it afterwards, because the next day everyone was acting weird towards me. I also don't tell them my problems because I don't want to burden them, I'm sure they have their own stuff to deal with, and also as I said before, I hate the idea of my business being told to others, especially those who it does not concern, and them feeling pity/sympathy for me.
Strangers [on the net], however, well, you don't know them, their view is not biased, and you don't feel like you 'owe' them after you've helped them, because, well, you may never speak to them again. Ok, you might feel like you owe them, but not in the same way you do a friend in real life, if I'm making sense lol.

Reply 10

Zoecb

11

Obviously it's easier. When you confide a secret in your friends you know that they might judge you for whatever you tell them, even if they don't say so. It's terrifying to do something which risks changing your friendship with someone.

If you post your secret here, even not using the anon function - people will

a) Not know who you are
b) Not care who you are
c) Not be people you ever have to meet, let alone see again every day after having told them.

Reply 11

Emperor Wu

rockthecasbah

I find I can't really talk to my friends about my problems. Once when I was a blubbering mess and not thinking straight, I phoned up my friend and ranted on about my problems, and I regretted doing it afterwards, because the next day everyone was acting weird towards me.

I take it then that they told others then?
Charming. That's part of the reason why I don't confide in certain friends. I haven't known some of them that long (1-2 years at most) and I don't feel a strong connection with some of them. My girlfriends are the only ones I'd ever talk to about problems since we've bonded strongly, other than that I keep to myself. It's a shame like minded people are so difficult to find. =/

rockthecasbah

I also don't tell them my problems because I don't want to burden them, I'm sure they have their own stuff to deal with, and also as I said before, I hate the idea of my business being told to others, especially those who it does not concern, and them feeling pity/sympathy for me.

Pity and sympathy annoy me - nay, they disgust me. Genuinely feeling sorry for someone you're close to is one thing but pittying them just seems out of order. Although a lot of people don't know how to react when a friend confides in them, especially if it's a big problem, the best thing I think to do is go with your instincts and tell them your first thoughts. If you can't advise them, tell them that. If you have ideas, share them. But doing the whole 'there there dear' is more patronising than anything. Good intentions can have awful consequences.

rockthecasbah

Strangers [on the net], however, well, you don't know them, their view is not biased, and you don't feel like you 'owe' them after you've helped them, because, well, you may never speak to them again. Ok, you might feel like you owe them, but not in the same way you do a friend in real life, if I'm making sense lol.

Yeah, that makes sense. :p:

Although you might feel like you owe them a favour, it's less personal. Again it's difficult to make a proper connection without one-on-one contact so you don't have to be weighed down by emotions and fears. And paralanguage isn't much of an issue either - double bonus!

Reply 12

Ting-Ting

OP

I agree with rockthecasbah...it DOES feel like a burden whenever I do end up blubbering stuff. Which is why i dont rant to friends...it does feel like ive dumped another emotional baggage on them and then getting them worried etc etc when they do have things in their own lives to worry about.

For example, when im depressed and they ask whats wrong, I'll just say "aaah my mam's being such a b**ch to me. its nothing really" so that they'll know that I'm havign family trouble, but they dont know that its seriously affecting me otherwise they'll get too worried and it'll probably affect them too. (if you get what i mean!)

My friends find it weird why i can't open up to them even though they insist on it. Even my bf is getting a bit pissed off why i dont confide in him! :eek:

but i guess its kinda good to know there are people out there that feels the same way as me :smile:

Hehe i guess strangers are a safe option!

Reply 13

Tarts_n_Vicars

13

The thing I like about confiding in strangers is that they don't know anything about you - and they offer advice based only on the information you give them. Friends know a lot about you and what you've been like or done in the past, and all too often you get the "oh you say that now but remember what you did last time" or whatever. For me it's not about my friends judging me and strangers not, it's about being able to get impartial advice from people who aren't either involved personally or aware of all the other related things you might have going on.

The downside is I guess that after a while people on TSR get to "know" you and then you're in the same position as you would be with your friends....yay for the Anonymous function :smile:

Reply 14

rockthecasbah

2

Emperor Wu

I take it then that they told others then?
Charming. That's part of the reason why I don't confide in certain friends. I haven't known some of them that long (1-2 years at most) and I don't feel a strong connection with some of them. My girlfriends are the only ones I'd ever talk to about problems since we've bonded strongly, other than that I keep to myself. It's a shame like minded people are so difficult to find. =/

Yep. To be honest, there's time when I do trust them, but that's when I'm at my weakest. I don't think I've met many person yet who can actually keep a secret! I still know all those people who say 'this was told to me in confidence...' then they say it! I hope they all grow up some time soon :rolleyes:

Ting

My friends find it weird why i can't open up to them even though they insist on it. Even my bf is getting a bit pissed off why i dont confide in him! but i guess its kinda good to know there are people out there that feels the same way as me

Mine find it weird too. I was once nicknamed the agony aunt of the group, because I tend to be the ones listening and trying to solve other's problems, let alone my own, so I guess in that way it's a bit strange, the agony aunt spilling out her problems :p:

. Do you ever confide in your friends about your boyfriend? Like tell them what's happening with you two? And I guess with your boyfriend, well, have you been going out with him for a long time?
Also I feel if I get my problems out, I'll suddenly burst into tears and get that horrible thing where you cry and can't even talk, and I hate looking weak in front of others and crying in front of others in general. Ha, is these posts making me sound a bit of *****ed up? :redface:

Reply 15

Ting-Ting

OP

rockthecasbah

Mine find it weird too. I was once nicknamed the agony aunt of the group, because I tend to be the ones listening and trying to solve other's problems, let alone my own, so I guess in that way it's a bit strange, the agony aunt spilling out her problems :p:

. Do you ever confide in your friends about your boyfriend? Like tell them what's happening with you two? And I guess with your boyfriend, well, have you been going out with him for a long time?
Also I feel if I get my problems out, I'll suddenly burst into tears and get that horrible thing where you cry and can't even talk, and I hate looking weak in front of others and crying in front of others in general. Ha, is these posts making me sound a bit of *****ed up? :redface:

Heehe don't worry im exactly the same. I once rung up my bf and as soon as i let slip one thing, then a whole floodgate opened and i was crying so hard I can't stop and getting through one sentence took like 5minutes and I started to hyperventilate! :eek:

Sometimes I do confide in my friends about my bf (we've been together for over 2yrs!) but sometimes I don't want to let out too much about our relationship if you get what i mean. Plus theres nothing bad about it to rant to them to! :p:

I know what you mean about lookign weak in front of others. As you and emperor Wu said, being agony aunt has automatically put you in position as the pillar of support to others and kinda built up an image that you are the 'strong' one. Letting others see you cry would only worry your friends more and would probably make them feel guilty that they even confided in you as at the back of their minds, they might think that they have burdened you too much with their problems.

Reply 16

Emperor Wu

rockthecasbah

Yep. To be honest, there's time when I do trust them, but that's when I'm at my weakest. I don't think I've met many person yet who can actually keep a secret! I still know all those people who say 'this was told to me in confidence...' then they say it! I hope they all grow up some time soon :rolleyes:

Heh, I'd never tell anyone my secrets without making them sign some sort of legal document. :deal:

rockthecasbah

Also I feel if I get my problems out, I'll suddenly burst into tears and get that horrible thing where you cry and can't even talk, and I hate looking weak in front of others and crying in front of others in general. Ha, is these posts making me sound a bit of *****ed up? :redface:

Sounds normal to me. Not wanting to look weak in front of others is natural, especially in men. I don't think I've ever cried in front of my friends, or my counselor for that matter. Sometimes do when I'm alone but otherwise I keep my eyes dry. I'm not macho by any means (far from it actually, lol) but I think when you're the one solving others' problems you get used to not sharing your own and wanting to show solidarity.