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    i need help on improving my poetry writting...my teacher says their are still area i need to go back and look at them

    Theirs a war in love and hate but in war no one ever wins
    People say Bush and Blair but they’re not the only men in the equations
    Because are problems are instigated from Caucasians Blacks and Asians
    You should look deeper use you third vision
    Perform surgery without the works of incision
    Working on tyrant systems and communism
    Hoping that one-day all people can live in Martins prediction
    But we as people are still confined by ignorance
    No one is teaching the youth, applauding violence
    In mankind we reach the dawn for lord of fly’s
    Because even the immortal likes are short of life
    So why cry out for help when nobody’s there
    To her you and why give out love when nobody’s their
    For it to receive to, it’s all gone by the wind
    Theirs a war in love and hate but in war no one ever wins

    I’m a chemical that diffused when minds wreck
    A reflex, in the head I cause mental falls
    Drugs and medicine can hide my power
    I’ve consumed many men, I reside in cerebrums
    Travel via neurons
    I’m impure, if you consume Prozac
    I can cause stomach ulcers
    An kill with heart attacks, sometimes I’m not fast but mostly sharp and swift like a marksman’s axe's,
    I Rome in the young and old doctors diagnose me when compression of blood pressure elevates
    You can avoid me through health giving food an if you meditate.
    Anxiousness awakens me, if you are lonely I will raid you
    Unfaithful to the mind, whilst people are sorrowful is when I work my best
    What am I, well they call me Stress

    But all humans are equal
    People will subsist in prosperous quarters
    While the poor survive on crooked water
    But all humans are equal.
    If man can conduct clarifications that make cancer go
    Then why can’t he make sure the third world go with H20?
    But all humans are equal.
    A human race where the deprived lie last place
    And you die if you cant find a life the 1st class way
    But all humans are equal.
    Wars cause citizens to die in the most awful and tragic fashion
    Nations strapped with nuclear weapons making Massacres happen
    But all humans are equal
    Is it jus a way of escaping our struggles as people?
    But all humans are equal , I’ll meet you in heel for the sequel

    any help?

    I think it's brilliant just as it is... But to be incredibly picky, the rhyme in the first 7 lines becomes slightly monotonous with the 'tion' sound but I guess that's difficult to change. The first line could be better, in particular the part 'no one wins' is too often used. But changing that would mean changing the Bush and Blair bit coz if you say 'only death wins' or something like that the next line wouldn't make sense.
    In the second stanza, 'drugs and medicine can hide my power' also sounds a bit lame, what about 'drugs and medicine are a refuge for my power' or 'drugs and medicine mask my power' or maybe just change the word power. 'I can cause stomach ulcers' is also a bit weak, or more like, I'm sure you can come up with something better... like 'I provoke stomach ulcers' or 'stomach ulcers beckon at my call' maybe.
    And one more thing, the spelling and grammar is a bit shaky, sometimes you write 'their' when 'there' should be used. 'I rome' should be 'I roam' and anxiousness is anxiety. a general spell and grammar check on microsoft word should help.
    Just my thoughts, don't have to pay any attention to them, the poem's great.

    Oh, one more thing, the 'But humans are all equal' is repeated too often. I know you're probably just emphasising the idea and thereby stressing the irony but it's a bit overdone. Maybe change some of them with 'But aren't we all equal?' or 'Then they say we're all equal'.

    There are quite a few grammar mistakes. I think you could express yourself better if you learned some of the rules of punctuation and spelling, and used them properly. This is not meant to be an insult - just constructive criticism.

    If you need some help (and you've still got time before your deadline!) then email it to [email protected] and a friend of mine might be able to help you out with structure and ideas, as well as proof reading it for you.
    • Thread Starter

    thanks for the help ...i know puntuation is one of my weak points...i will email your freind too

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