Feeling depressed because of bad social life

Currently, I'm in university, but I've been feeling depressed. I wouldn't normally post it here to get advices, but it's been affecting my academic life as sometimes I just lie on my bed overthink about things instead of studying or doing something productive.

Almost everything is fine. I'm happy with everything, except with my social life.

One is that I feel I don't have close friends. I had ones when I was very young, but as I grew up I seem to have gotten lost. I know a lot of people, we talk when we see each other, but that's it... just acquaintances. (Well, there was one time recently, that I made close friends, but they moved back to Spain, so I don't see them much).

Back home, I have a circle of friends, but I know I'm not close to any of them. Yes, we hang out, we do fun things together, but I don't feel being close with them. Even with my cousins. I spend time with them, but that closeness is not there.

Worst is in the flat I'm staying in right now. There are 7 of us, and I feel as if I'm outcast. They're nice, well not always. We say 'hello' to each other and stuff like that, but it's like they're only being polite to me. They go out together clubbing, shopping, but they rarely invite me. Also, now I avoid speaking to them as I often hear them criticising other people over little things, and I don't like people who do that kind of thing. I mean criticising is fine, but the fact that they often do it, makes me feel not wanting to open up to them.

The biggest problem I see is that I don't talk much in conversations. I think people feel uncomfortable with me because of the silence or that I would say something but they get bored with the conversation, hence they don't like to be around with me.

At first, I thought, "Meh, nevermind your social life. Keep it real, you don't like talking much, so be it. Just do what you enjoy and achieve your goals." But after some time, I realised that, even though the rest of my life are amazing, if I don't have close friends, all those achievements seem, not worthless, but incapable of making me feel truly happy. Yes, they do make me feel good, but it's very temporary.

I remember the time when my old classmate came from Spain to visit London and we met up. Over that week, I felt very close to them, never felt that before to any of my other friends. I was happy. Those were moments to cherish.

I know it's a long post, but I just needed some place to get this off my chest and get good advices.

Cheers

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 1

HistoryRepeating

13

Lots of people feel like this, especially in the first year - 18 months of Uni. It takes a long while to make "close" friends.

If your flatmates aren't moving in that direction, cast the net a bit wider. Find people on your course or in clubs you are a member of who think like you do and really make an effort to do stuff with them once or twice a week.

People like you often wonder why others dont "invite" them to do stuff but dont seem to realise its because they aren't making effort themselves. How many things do you invite them to do? How are they to know you are interested. You seem to be confused as to why other people aren't making more effort to get to know you, without doing the same for them.

"Don't like talking" - well you need to communicate to have friends, including about trivial stuff. You'll have to get over your social inability and the only way to do that is to practice practice practice.

Basically make more effort, cultivate new people, stop being a hermit.

Reply 2

Stieoz

I think everyone has felt like they don't fit in with a group at some point in their lives - I know I have! It sounds like you've done really well academically and that's great, balancing study and friends is hard. Maybe the next time your flat mates go out you should ask if you could tag along. They won't see it as desperate and they will probably feel good about you going out with them. Sounds like they have got into the habit of going out and not asking you not because they don't like you but because its never occurred to them. If you find you're not "fitting in" with them then that's okay too. Close friends aren't created over night and sometimes people simply don't get on and that has nothing to do with you as a person or any one else. You will have a lot of opportunities in life to meet people who will be close to you and it sounds as though you've already experienced that. People come and go close friends sometimes drift away too. The main thing is to understand that there's nothing wrong with your personality or lifestyle and you should never change yourself to suit others.

Reply 3

Venomilys

13

You just admitted that you eventually go silent in conversation and you like talking less, yet you expect a social life.

Reply 4

username1114381

12

Original post by Ilyas

You just admitted that you eventually go silent in conversation and you like talking less, yet you expect a social life.

Just because people are shy doesn't mean they're not entitled to a decent social life. Especially at university, God...

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 5

username1114381

12

Original post by Alpha-Omega

Currently, I'm in university, but I've been feeling depressed. I wouldn't normally post it here to get advices, but it's been affecting my academic life as sometimes I just lie on my bed overthink about things instead of studying or doing something productive.

Almost everything is fine. I'm happy with everything, except with my social life.

One is that I feel I don't have close friends. I had ones when I was very young, but as I grew up I seem to have gotten lost. I know a lot of people, we talk when we see each other, but that's it... just acquaintances. (Well, there was one time recently, that I made close friends, but they moved back to Spain, so I don't see them much).

Back home, I have a circle of friends, but I know I'm not close to any of them. Yes, we hang out, we do fun things together, but I don't feel being close with them. Even with my cousins. I spend time with them, but that closeness is not there.

Worst is in the flat I'm staying in right now. There are 7 of us, and I feel as if I'm outcast. They're nice, well not always. We say 'hello' to each other and stuff like that, but it's like they're only being polite to me. They go out together clubbing, shopping, but they rarely invite me. Also, now I avoid speaking to them as I often hear them criticising other people over little things, and I don't like people who do that kind of thing. I mean criticising is fine, but the fact that they often do it, makes me feel not wanting to open up to them.

The biggest problem I see is that I don't talk much in conversations. I think people feel uncomfortable with me because of the silence or that I would say something but they get bored with the conversation, hence they don't like to be around with me.

At first, I thought, "Meh, nevermind your social life. Keep it real, you don't like talking much, so be it. Just do what you enjoy and achieve your goals." But after some time, I realised that, even though the rest of my life are amazing, if I don't have close friends, all those achievements seem, not worthless, but incapable of making me feel truly happy. Yes, they do make me feel good, but it's very temporary.

I remember the time when my old classmate came from Spain to visit London and we met up. Over that week, I felt very close to them, never felt that before to any of my other friends. I was happy. Those were moments to cherish.

I know it's a long post, but I just needed some place to get this off my chest and get good advices.

Cheers

Despite being the easiest, first year is, for many people, the worst. I mean come on, you're thrown into a random flat with a bunch of complete strangers, and the experience from the day you meet them can range from absolutely amazing to godawful and traumatic; it's all pot-luck. Unfortunately not everyone you meet is destined to be your kindred spirit...

I'm in my first year too and I'm going through exactly the same thing. Once I click with people I'm fine, but tbh I find most people - regardless of whether or not I actually like them - just aren't on my wavelength. Or maybe it's because people these days don't like opening up to their inner-selves and being themselves; no, for them it seems an enjoyable three years can only be secured by conforming with the rest of the dumb**** world and acting like a drunkern coke-snorting anus-fisting bufty-chav hybrid neanderthal, just to 'fit in' with all the other drunkern coke-snorting anus-fisting bufty-chav hybrid neanderthals, who for some reason are looked up to by many as being the 'cool' kids.

My first year was utter hell. At first I was living in expensive halls with a bunch of people who went to boarding school, and I couldn't relate to any of them; it was like they were from another world. Plus one was a total bellend. And unlike normal students they weren't even into drinking, which is a shame because when you're as painfully shy as I am, you need alcohol when it comes to meeting new people.

But I've found if people are nice enough, it's usually possible to make good friends with them over time. Just takes many battles of awkwardness, it's no easy journey but after a while you should be fine. The more time you spend with people, the more comfortable you feel with them, unless they genuinely are total *****, just do your best to stay away from them...