I feel so upset. I don't know how I can be happy. Watch
Everything just seems to be so downhill for me at the moment. I recently failed to get into the university of my dreams. It was the university I'd been be fantasising attending since I was a little girl. It was a long shock, and I had perhaps the least chance of getting in there, but it still upset me when I didn't get in. Though this fact upsets me, I was starting to cheer up about it. I could take another gap year or I have a place at another university which, though nowhere near as good, looks ok.
However, more personal things are getting me down too. I now live 300 miles away from any of my friends and can't afford to drive or get a train down there. So at the moment I'm stuff at home, going to work where I haven't found any close friends, and going to college where I haven't found any close friends. I feel very lonely. Ive tried making friends but it hasn't happened. Also, a lot of my old friends just don't want to know anymore. I feel so down because I struggle making friends anyway, and I don't understand why. It makes me think that I might be a bit of a freak. Also, the few friends that I do have are away at university whilst I'm taking a 3rd year at college and I feel very jealous of the fun they're having.
Also, my grades are doing as well as I'd hoped. I'd had a bit of an awful 2 years at sixth form, after a great year 11...and took a third year at a different college to amend my mistakes. All started off pretty well. But with work and everything getting in the way as well, I just don't see myself improving anymore. I'm scared that Ive taken a whole other year off university and it wasn't even worth it in the first place.
I'm also struggling for money. I have a job that started off well, but now theyre not giving me hardly any hours and I think theyre starting to resent hiring me, as although I work hard I can be quite clumsy and my hours that I can work are quite awkward. I was trying to save money for travelling, but I'm barely struggling to get money to pay rent and for food and stuff.
I've suffered from body dysmorphia for a few years but recently its gotten worse again. I just feel like my face is so ugly. I don't feel like a woman, I feel like I'm a man, and a prepubescent one at that. I have no curves, yet i have a flabby stomach and a fat face which make me look fat. I have a large nose and incredibly bad teeth and my lips are uneven. My skin is terrible and I'm covered in spots. Its horrible because Im surrounded by such a good looking family, especially my Mum and I was even quite good looking myself as a child. I believe that a lot of it is down to me not looking after myself when I was younger and it isn't reversible. Even my cousin likes to point out, though not in a malicious way, that my Mum and siblings are gorgeous whereas Im not.
The thing thats knocked me over the edge though is that my ex has a new girlfriend. Its so pathetic of me to be still in love with him. We only went out for a little while, literally only a few weeks, and yet it was so intense and he was my first time. He broke up with me and i never really found out the reason why. I was so upset for months. Furthermore, it sickens me how much Ive become like him, even after those few weeks. I feel reluctant to put a lot of the things I do now on Facebook because he introduced me to them. Its not because Im trying to be like him, its just happening naturally but I feel paranoid that he'll see it that way. We've spoken a bit since breaking up and got on really well. The weird thing is because of how much he hurt me, I never imagined us getting together again in the near future but i guess I always fantasised that sometime in the distant future we'd maybe try something again. The fact that he wasn't dating anyone else, after the initial upset, sort of kept me happy-ish. I was happy being friends. I was happy just to talk to him. I don't know I feel pathetic for it. But now he has this girlfriend and I just feel sick. I hate myself for feeling so upset about him. He's not even that great of a guy...but somehow, no matter how hard I try...I can't stop myself from liking him. He's on my thoughts, even just casually 90% of the time.
I just feel really low. All of the time. And Im sick of. I know its pathetic putting something on TSR like this, but I really need people to talk to.
You can talk to me if you like (trying to sound as minimally creepy as possible here haha )
Try making yourself feel better about yourself! You seem such a lovely person! Perhaps start going to the gym if not happy about your shape or buy a fitness DVD? And even if you have an iPhone or something similar to that, they are free fitness apps that you can download.. Perhaps to build your confidence and to meet new people, join a running or fitness group? I know Zumba classes are very popular now and there is always running groups being set up.. If you are not happy about your job, then perhaps find a new one? This may take a while but something new will come up soon and you're luck will change! Or just be determined to perhaps communicate more with other work colleagues, etc. most likely, you will get more hours when summer comes as well.. I recently just quit university to myself after since wanting to go since I was little, however, uni is not for everyone and perhaps we don't get in the ones we really want I go to, but we make do! Just got to make the best of things! You will definitely be meeting new people when you go! :') and to get over your ex, just do other things to take your mind off him, meet friends, watch your favourite films etc. sometimes we do get to attached in relationships so it is harder for us to get over someone however, it does get easier in time! I'm pretty sure you can do much better then him as well !
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