Not sure of myself or my concentration, amongst other things. Watch
I am 18 years old, and hoping to get into uni by achieving my conditional offers for Computer Science (ABB).
(This may seem out of place, but it relates later on.)
A while ago, one of my closer friends introduced me to some of his friends who I didn't know, and long story short (although that phrase sems ironic considering the length of this post) they were basically metalheads, and I hung out with them for a while, and ended up with this girl at a party of theirs, and after seeing her a little more afterwards, couldn't come to a conlusion as to whether I liked her or not. I knew she liked me though, so I rolled with it, thinking she'd grow on me, getting into alot of the things these guys were into, some of which I still like now, bands and such.
After a while though, I realised that part of me didn't want this. I just felt like I wasn't like them, I was just me wearing a costume and that I didn't belong, especially as the girl I was with had big personality, and whilst I liked it, I couldnt always relate and felt a little consumed by it, especially considering how little of me there was to balance it out. At this point though, I made what I regard to be my biggest mistake. I straight-up told the girl I still wasn't sure about her, instead of deciding on my feelings. Even now, a month on, after we've broken up, I'm still not sure if that was the right decision or that I should have just settled for it, but once that had been said, it was pretty much the end, she suffered a week through my indecision, making me feel awful, most of her friends hating me, and resulting in me eventually deciding that either way the relationship was done and ending it. It stops me from doing things I enjoy at times because they remind me too much of when I was with her.
I also had a brain scan 6 months or so ago when these things first started happenening to me, becuase I freaked out, and was worried, but it came back clear.
Now that you have some for-the-moment-unrelated backstory, I'll run through the issues I'm having atm.
Firstly, my thoughts. My thoughts are disorganised. Like, attention span 60 feet under. I leave things around everywhere, am unable to concentrate on anything, and lose track of what I'm doing. If I try and think about something without concentrating, it sort-of instantly descends into incomprehensible gibberish. Often I feel loose and lightheaded, and sometimes even as though I'm not in my body, and I'm just watching someone else do things that isn't me.
This irritates me, as I do A-Level Maths and Physics, and I get so many mathematical errors without even realising, which can be devastating, especially if they occur at the beginning of a longwinded question. My scruffy handwriting doesn't really help much either, but thats more down to lack of practice. It also makes me feel useless, as it means I have to take things relatively slowly in order to not mess up in comparison to others. I've tried talking about this to people, but all I've managed to do is convince them I'm some kind of paranoid introvert hypochondriac, because I don't really know where to begin.
This leads into my next problem. My lack of attention and concentration causes me to jumble words up when I speak, and often I can only visualise things as concepts in my mind, and find myself unable to translate them into words. Often in the evenings, to the point where I can barely converse at all, and just end up grunting. Which doesn't really help my confidence much either; I always feel like there was something more I could have said or did, but didn't, especially with regards to my ex.
The third problem I'm experiencing is that I'm unsure of how I feel about things, or who I am. Now this really does sound pretentious, but also a little vague, so I'll elaborate. Often, I just jump on things and accept my first impressions of them, because I don't really feel anything much, and it takes a lot to actually move me. This is where my prior relationship really comes in, because it made me question who I was, and I realised I didn't know. I have a few close friends, but because I tend to not have many feelings about anything, I don't really fit in anywhere in particular. I go through phases of liking things, never really settling on anything, and outside of work, games and the occasional bit of programming, there isnt really much to me. I also tend to subconsciously mimic other peoples tone of voice when I speak, and I feel that I have very little character of my own.
The last problem I'm experiencing relates to my college work. I find my A-Levels very difficult, and if I do manage ABB, it'll be by the skin of my teeth. The main problem I have here is that I always think in straight lines, and can't think outside of the box. Often I'll have to stare at some of the more complex synoptic physics questions or highly-marked maths ones (which in an exam you don't have time fror), or my method to solve a program will be too linear to work. I worry that even if I do scrape into uni, I just wont have the aptitude, especially when I look at some of the others in my classes who take large intrests in their chosen subjects, and that I just can't think as openly as they can.
This relates in with the not being able to feel thing also, as I often have little reason when I do like things like music other than just 'It sounds cool' or 'It sounds artsy', which just makes me sound as impressionable as my phases make me already seem. although maybe that stems from my lack of ability to put things into words, and general disorganisation.
That's about it, whiny teenagers gonna whine I guess.