Should I get help with this? Watch

Madalaine M
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Report Thread starter 6 years ago
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ow where to start with this but here goes. Everyday I wake up feeling depressed because of life. I see imperfection all around me, including myself and this angers me greatly. Ultimately I feel cheated by life. I see people all around me but they are flawed. They try to mask their imperfections but this accentuates them and I can see so much ... Chaos and Viciousness in Nature which is echoed by society. I'm not wording this very well but it's difficult for me to formulate a tenable account of what these thoughts are.

Sometimes I question if they're thoughts. They're more like impulses or sudden urges (Perhaps this is some medical condition, autism?). The urge is for everything around me to be perfect. The only place where I can be perfect is in my dreams. I've been having a reoccurring dream where I can control life and build people how I want to build them. I build new 'perfect' people to erase their imperfections and so they are happy with themselves. This might sound incredibly childish, and probably is but I can't stop thinking about it. It's disrupting my studies and social life.

When I look at somebody who is particularly unattractive I get angry/jealous. I feel like life has cheated them by removing their chances to have kids/be happy. I sometimes feel like this about myself. Although I'm not unattractive, sometimes I see myself as both attractive and unattractive. I worry in case people see me as unattractive.

I also feel cheated because life is so easy to create. Most people can have kids but why have a child when it's going to be unattractive. Why inflict such pain upon an innocent child. I feel frustrated because I can't control life and in my dreams I can. I feel like I'm God. I can build perfect people and pretend I'm one of them and experience life as they do. Everything is more colorful and vivid. I can taste the air I breath, I can see patterns in nature that only perfection itself can see. I see harmony, balance and restoration. Yeah I know this sounds crazy and it is, which is why I should seek professional help?

I wake up depressed after having this dream. I look at reality and see an abyss of possibility and my place within this is negligible. Then, I feel as though society is crushing me; suffocating me and impeding my judgement. My mind is cloudy unlike my dreams. I can't grasp the shear contrast between my dreams and what I see in real life.

Although I'm only 18, I can see myself age in the mirror. The second dream is a lot like the first except the 'perfect' me and the real me life in the same reality. I built the perfect me, like a jigsaw puzzle I constructed and threw the old me away.

I feel like screaming.

Indeed this sounds crazy, which is why I'm posting this. Do you think I should see my GP? Maybe a councilor? I feel like there's an underlying problem that I can't detect. If I can fix this...?
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Farhan.Hanif93
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Report 6 years ago
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(Original post by Madalaine M)
I've moved this here so that you can get a better response.
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Hasufel
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It does sound like you might need to talk to someone - not neccessarily a professional - a family member perhaphs? Maybe the root might be that something has happened in your life to get you down so much, and you have no way of expressing it, so it comes out as depression and negative thoughts? Maybe you`re feeling stressed about the amout of work you have to do and wondering what the point is?

I`m not a professional, so can`t really give any of that kind of advice, but, i was in your frame of mind when at about your age - i was unemployed from when i was 16 to 22 - felt depressed and helpless. But i loved reading, and had read about someone who made themselves go mad by reading to much - so decided to give that a try. That - as it turned out, saved me, as it ended up i could concentrate for hours and hours, and soaked things up like a sponge - eventually i picked up an arithmetic book for 11 year olds (i didn`t have any idea what maths was, didn`t even get an o`level {Scottish} in arithmetic!!!) - taught myself, and went through iniversity...

The point is, if there`s nothing clinical about the way you feel (and again i can`t judge that), you need to 1) talk with someone about what you feel, 2) find something that you like to do, whether it`s maths, or mountain-biking, judo, chess - whatever - and say to yourself "i`m going to be the best i can be at this". 3). stop putting the inevitable entropy and decay of other people`s lives on your own young shoulders. No one can cope with that much! And no one should!

I know it`s daft - but i used to (when unemployed) watch the Oprah Winfrey show (yes they did show it here!) and there was this guy on it called "Dr Phill" - one thing he said struck me dumb, and i still remember it today :

"write a list, not of everything you don`t have, but of everything you DO have (prized possessions, favourite hobbies, animals, family members etc etc), and imagine if one by one you lost every one of those possessions. Think about that. Really think".

The most important line he said was : "Accept what you can`t change - and change what you can`t accept".

Try a little every day to find something good about it - even one small thing - like the sun is shining, or "this coffee is good". I know it sounds totally lame, but it did work for me.

I hope i helped a little...

Shawshank redemption: "Remember, Hope.....is a good thing, and no good thing ever dies"
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