Long distance problems :s Watch

youbonkers
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First term at uni, things were going great with current boyfriend. Saw him twice over the term because we're at unis really far away from each other. Had a lovely Christmas with him and didn't have any doubts about trying as hard as I could to make this relationship last.

First week BACK at uni and I've started having serious doubts. I love my boyfriend so much but I'm not sure if I want to be in a serious relationship right now, and especially a long distance one. I always feel so lonely and separate from my other friends on nights out etc.

And the worst bit, I have a huge crush on somebody at uni. In first term we got on really well but when I realised that I had a slight crush on him I kept my distance from him for the rest of the term. But that hasn't helped things and I still can't stop myself liking him. I don't even care if he likes me back or not, it's more the fact that I'm having these feeling while being in a relationship that I'm worrying about.

My current boyfriend is the loveliest boy I've ever met. He is literally the stereotypical perfect boyfriend and I don't want to hurt him. I'm don't even want to break up but we had such a perfect relationship that I feel terrible keeping this from him. It doesn't feel right pretending everything's fine when it's not. Should I tell him everything or is that a bad bad idea?

TL;DR: Finding long distance relationship hard and started having feelings for another guy, but still love my boyfriend so much. Should I:
a) tell my boyfriend everything
b) break up
c) do nothing

argghhh I just needed a bit of a moan really
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AyWill
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First term at uni, things were going great with current boyfriend. Saw him twice over the term because we're at unis really far away from each other. Had a lovely Christmas with him and didn't have any doubts about trying as hard as I could to make this relationship last.

First week BACK at uni and I've started having serious doubts. I love my boyfriend so much but I'm not sure if I want to be in a serious relationship right now, and especially a long distance one. I always feel so lonely and separate from my other friends on nights out etc.

And the worst bit, I have a huge crush on somebody at uni. In first term we got on really well but when I realised that I had a slight crush on him I kept my distance from him for the rest of the term. But that hasn't helped things and I still can't stop myself liking him. I don't even care if he likes me back or not, it's more the fact that I'm having these feeling while being in a relationship that I'm worrying about.

My current boyfriend is the loveliest boy I've ever met. He is literally the stereotypical perfect boyfriend and I don't want to hurt him. I'm don't even want to break up but we had such a perfect relationship that I feel terrible keeping this from him. It doesn't feel right pretending everything's fine when it's not. Should I tell him everything or is that a bad bad idea?

TL;DR: Finding long distance relationship hard and started having feelings for another guy, but still love my boyfriend so much. Should I:
a) tell my boyfriend everything
b) break up
c) do nothing http://static1.tsrfiles.co.uk/4.16/i...lies/frown.png

argghhh I just needed a bit of a moan really http://static1.tsrfiles.co.uk/4.16/i...es/redface.png
I think for long distance, the most crucial element has GOT to be communication. If one of you starts to hide something from the other or has doubts that aren't shared, your foundation which should be based on total trust and honesty, begins to crumble.

I'd let him know or at least raise your thoughts with him as soon as you have the right moment then see where it goes from there. It's unfair to keep him hanging when you're emotionally pulling away from him.

Good luck
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youbonkers
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(Original post by AyWill)
I think for long distance, the most crucial element has GOT to be communication. If one of you starts to hide something from the other or has doubts that aren't shared, your foundation which should be based on total trust and honesty, begins to crumble.

I'd let him know or at least raise your thoughts with him as soon as you have the right moment then see where it goes from there. It's unfair to keep him hanging when you're emotionally pulling away from him.

Good luck
But to tell him I have feelings for someone else? Won't that just crush him completely and lead to a worse breakup? Because that's really the basis of why I'm feeling so awful about it.
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AyWill
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But to tell him I have feelings for someone else? Won't that just crush him completely and lead to a worse breakup? Because that's really the basis of why I'm feeling so awful about it.




It's how you word it to be honest. 'Hey hun, think I like some-one else. I'm sorry xxx' isn't quite the way forward. However, if you just explain that you feel away from your peers being in a relationship with him being so far away etc it'd go down better.

To be honest though, I'd much rather have the 'perfect boyfriend' you describe him to be then a 101 short flings at Uni or a night out where I get drunk and make out with a stranger. You have some-one who not only seems to care deeply for you, but treats you well. Of course I don't know the ins and outs but the grass isn't always greener...
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CallMeBatwoman
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Maybe I'm just pessimistic but in my opinion if you really loved someone they you wouldn't find yourself falling for someone else. If you are considering a break up, you really need to think about why you are in a relationship, weigh up the pros and cons and go from there. But its not fair for either of you if you stay with him purely for fear of hurting him, that shows you care about him as a person, but not romantically. You're not a bad person for not feeling that way anymore either, sometimes it happens. I also agree with AyWill, its not fair if you are emotionally not feeling it anymore.
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Zarek
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This is a terribly difficult situation that I am glad I didn't face going to Uni. I agree that it is best to talk. One of the terrible things when good relationships falter is that communication gets worse. I have hated it when ex haven't talked to me before the crisis hit yet I have secretly felt there was some thing wrong. It won't be easy and perhaps you don't need to mention there is a specific person you are attracted to, but I would talk about it.
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turboweevil
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I am in exactly the same situation but as the guy. The only reason I'm sure you're not that certain somebody is because you only saw each other twice over the term (I'm good at finding cheap train tickets :P)

One of my biggest worries was that she would start getting into somebody else, not in the one way crush that you have but more of a mutual thing. I don't worry about it any more though because of how open we are about how we feel about each other, constant reassurances that what we have is a long term thing to just simple jokes about turning people down in clubs has really helped dispel all of my fears and now I'm perfectly fine. My advice is start with sort of stuff, try and worm it into conversations and you'll probably find yourself feeling more confident about the relationship as a whole, perhaps that'll eclipse your feelings for this new guy/ distract you from them.

Also, splash out on some train tickets for a surprise visit, I promise neither of you will regret it
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Plumstone
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First of all, I feel your pain. My boyfriend and I have always been long distance, but it's not something you get used to and it doesn't get any easier. It's just something you have to put up with and for me it's got worse since I've gone to university and see him even less.

With regards to your crush, you are the only person who can know whether it would be worth splitting with your boyfriend to pursue it. I, for example, would rather suffer the three years of barely seeing my boyfriend whilst I'm at university than split up and not have him at all (I don't want anyone else but him), but a friend of mine found someone new at university and is very happy with her new guy.

Irrespective of what decision you make, my advice would be:

1) if you decide to pursue the crush, break things off with your boyfriend first

2) if you decide to stay with your boyfriend, tell him how you feel about this other guy and how you feel about being long distance; as the above poster said, communication is paramount.
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PoGo HoPz
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What's so good about this new guy? :curious:
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tonberry
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The term 'current boyfriend' always explains it all
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youbonkers
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(Original post by CallMeBatwoman)
Maybe I'm just pessimistic but in my opinion if you really loved someone they you wouldn't find yourself falling for someone else. If you are considering a break up, you really need to think about why you are in a relationship, weigh up the pros and cons and go from there. But its not fair for either of you if you stay with him purely for fear of hurting him, that shows you care about him as a person, but not romantically. You're not a bad person for not feeling that way anymore either, sometimes it happens. I also agree with AyWill, its not fair if you are emotionally not feeling it anymore.
This is what I can't work out: if I'm not in love with him anymore of if it's just the strains of long distance. Thanks for your advice it helps

(Original post by Zarek)
This is a terribly difficult situation that I am glad I didn't face going to Uni. I agree that it is best to talk. One of the terrible things when good relationships falter is that communication gets worse. I have hated it when ex haven't talked to me before the crisis hit yet I have secretly felt there was some thing wrong. It won't be easy and perhaps you don't need to mention there is a specific person you are attracted to, but I would talk about it.
Yes this exactly! I'm feeling so awful because I know I've been really distant with him over the past few days and he's going to know something's up We're going to skype later so I'll talk to him properly then.
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