My girlfriend controls me, help!!

Okay, first of all, this is my first post, so hello everyone. I have been going out with my girlfriend for 1 year and 2 months now. Now let me tell you about my life beforeI started seeing her. I had a season ticket at football club (not gonna say which club, save the abuse!), so I went to football most weekends with a couple of mates, went to pubs for a few pints before and after every game etc. I used to go out every Friday and Saturday nights to clubs or house parties with my mates and get absolutely hammered. I could spend my money and time on whatever I wanted to. I was happy then. Then I started going out with my girlfriend. She knew what I was like, and for the first couple of months I still went out sometimes and went to the football. But then things started to change. I cant think of how this happened, but it must have done gradually. All I know is that now, I have no mates, I haven't been out with mates since about June. Yes, ****ing June 2012!! I go to the football about once every 3/4 months (and when I do she falls out with me)!! If i were to even talk about going out, we would fall out for days. I'm going to the football next month, (its a huge game), I bought my ticket for it about 2 weeks ago but I still haven't told her and I am scared to tell her because I know it'll cause an argument. I've actually been thinking of how to lie to her about why I have to go to the game or that i'm going somewhere else.. Let's be honest here, I cant do **** all. Now don't get me wrong, I love her, she's never drank alcohol in her life or had sex (yes, she is legal, and yes, I have went about 18 months without sex..), she makes sure i'm mature and sensible. I can tell she really genuinely cares about me, but after 14 months it's just getting too much. I miss going out, going to the football, sex.. everything I could do without being nagged at. I miss the freedom I had. I've thought about ending it a few times, and i'm fine with it, but when I think about seeing her talking to another boy or me missing little things about her after we've finished I change my mind, but then i think about it a couple of days later!! Also, if I were to spend MY money on something I want that she doesn't see as useful, she would go on at me. Heres a good one, I bought FIFA 13 the day it came out, with my own money (i was only on £60 a week at the time) she found out, fell out with me, said "you wasted £40 on a ****ing game that 10 year olds play when you could of spent it on taking me for a day out", so I lied to her and told her i returned it, took her for a day out the next day off of what she thought was the money returned for fifa, and for the past 4 months she's never found out I still have it and play it almost every day. My mates (who I used to be with most of the time but dont talk to now) text me now and again asking me to come out, I say i cant because i'm seeing her, and they say she's controlling my life etc. Which is right, but if I were to reply saying 'i know' or something like that, and my girlfriend found out, that'd be me being moaned at for days. I'm sick of it. It is generally a good relationship, we're happy when we're with eachother, but when you stand back and analyse it all, It's unbelievable what has changed in a year because of her. Also, she wants to go on a girls holiday soon. I know she doesn't drink and would never cheat on me, so I wasn't worried and said 'yeah that's fine'. But wouldn't you know it, when I mentioned a lads holiday, i was put back in my place. I'm still young, i'm not living the rest of my life like that, no way. I want to go out, i want to go to the football, i want to spend my money on myself, but i not sure if I could lose her. I realise i've just written a bible length post here haha, this is the first time i've written all this down, theres so much to write about the relationship but I think you've read all you need to know. I want the freedom I used to have, any advice would be appreciated! Thanks for your time

(edited 11 years ago)

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Reply 1

Spongebob'sPants

Wow this is not healthy whatsoever.

I think you've made a massive mistake letting her change your life.

You need to tell her that you want some time with friends and want time to do what you find enjoyable. If she keeps flying off the handle, its a doomed relationship.

Either she is super insecure, or she is a bit obsessive. And by "a bit", i mean a lot.

Seriously, i cant imagine continuing to live like this. It all sounds a bit "me me me" with her.

Lay the law down.

Reply 2

such_a_lady

Agreed that it's either got to change, even slowly, or it's over. However you need to accept that it's not all her, and that had you sorted the groundrules at the start, you wouldn't be in this position now. Don't be so weak in future relationships.

Reply 3

username196545

Hahaha, omg, if I tried any of that nonsense on my boyfriend, just lol...

Reply 4

username564415

Original post by Anonymous

I go to the football about once every 3/4 months (and when I do she falls out with me)!! If i were to even talk about going out, we would fall out for days.

I have went about 18 months without sex

I miss the freedom I had

I bought FIFA 13 the day it came out, with my own money (i was only on £60 a week at the time) she found out, fell out with me, said "you wasted £40 on a ****ing game that 10 year olds play when you could of spent it on taking me for a day out", so I lied to her and told her i returned it, took her for a day out the next day off of what she thought was the money returned for fifa, and for the past 4 months she's never found out I still have it and play it almost every day.

Your mates are right, come on man what are you still doing with her?? Ditch her ASAP

Reply 5

F1's Finest

Unlucky man. She's definitely controlling you, sadly.

As my mum would tell me, 'start as you mean to carry on'.

Reply 6

Clip

No mates, no life, no sex.

Welcome to married life.

Reply 7

username234673

Original post by Anonymous

Thanks for your time

First off, welcome to TSR! :tsr:

Secondly, we appreciate paragraphs here immensely!

Finally: Just ditch her. She sounds like a right nightmare and you're not even getting any. She's made you her bitch and you've allowed her to get away with it for too long.

Reply 8

Ultimate1

Dump her ASAP man. Seriously I see a lot of men in this position yet they don't do anything about it.

DUMP HER NOW.

Reply 9

TruetoMyself

Shiz dude....can't believe you stuck around so long. Unless she changes her ways drastically (which I don't see happening), boot her to the curb NOW. You'll end up really really resenting her if this goes on much longer.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 10

Anonymous #2

Ok, I don't normally post in these kind of threads but i'm going to chime in for reasons that will become clear shortly.

I too was with a woman for about 14 months. I too was with a controlling women. I too very rarely saw my friends and if I did, she would be there. My friends tried to sit me down and talk me round but I was so blinded (this was my first serious relationship) that I bassically told them to do one. It wasn't until a few months later that I even realised I was unhappy, I wanted to see my friends, I wanted some time independent from her. So I tried to wean a bit of that power back, went out with my friends, stayed in one night instead of going to hers etc. Did not go well, got the full works from the full on screaming to the passive agressiveness. I suggest you slowly start trying to impose yourself a bit more, if she doesn't take it well, then you know what you have to do OP. You can't live like this, the resentment will grow and grow and it will probably end anyway as you sowly start hating her for controlling you. Don't forever be a shallow husk of a man controlled by some mental control freak.

It all ended happily for me. My friends accepted my apologies, I vowed never again to be controlled by a woman like that and I got the hell out of that relationship. Funnily enough in my next serious relationship I went too far in the opposite direction and tried to be too independent as a result of what had come previously. It failed because of that. The point is OP, you have to find a balance between your girlfriend, your friends and yourself. You need to spend time on all of them. It isn't healthy for your girlfriend to selfishly hog you like that. I know that is probably hard to hear because you love her but you have to do something about it.

Good luck OP.

Reply 11

spwills

Obviously when you're in a serious relationship you have to expect your life to change a little bit, spend some time with her instead of mates etc. But what you've just described is over the top! Tell her you need some freedom to live your life, because having a relationship shouldn't stop you having one.
I completely disagree with people who say that a relationship means no more fun etc.. Personally I'd rather have a loving partner than sleep with a different person every night.
My boyfriend and I have the same group of friends and we've been together for a year and a half. Our lives haven't changed in any way as we continue to have a social life with our friends, together. We also have a mutual respect for each others time. If he wants to go to a football match one weekend that's fine, I can do something else, and if I have something on that's fine too. Most of the time we're together, and everything's great.
It sounds like you've been too patient with your girlfriend. Don't leave her. Just explain to her that you both have your separate lives and that you need some time for yourself.

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

Reply 12

MancStudent098

Dump her.

How is this even a question in your mind?

Reply 13

Mycroft Holmes

Original post by Anonymous

Okay, first of all, this is my first post, so hello everyone. I have been going out with my girlfriend for 1 year and 2 months now. Now let me tell you about my life beforeI started seeing her. I had a season ticket at football club (not gonna say which club, save the abuse!), so I went to football most weekends with a couple of mates, went to pubs for a few pints before and after every game etc. I used to go out every Friday and Saturday nights to clubs or house parties with my mates and get absolutely hammered. I could spend my money and time on whatever I wanted to. I was happy then. Then I started going out with my girlfriend. She knew what I was like, and for the first couple of months I still went out sometimes and went to the football. But then things started to change. I cant think of how this happened, but it must have done gradually. All I know is that now, I have no mates, I haven't been out with mates since about June. Yes, f*cking June 2012!! I go to the football about once every 3/4 months (and when I do she falls out with me)!! If i were to even talk about going out, we would fall out for days. I'm going to the football next month, (its a huge game), I bought my ticket for it about 2 weeks ago but I still haven't told her and I am scared to tell her because I know it'll cause an argument. I've actually been thinking of how to lie to her about why I have to go to the game or that i'm going somewhere else.. Let's be honest here, I cant do f*ck all. Now don't get me wrong, I love her, she's never drank alcohol in her life or had sex (yes, she is legal, and yes, I have went about 18 months without sex..), she makes sure i'm mature and sensible. I can tell she really genuinely cares about me, but after 14 months it's just getting too much. I miss going out, going to the football, sex.. everything I could do without being nagged at. I miss the freedom I had. I've thought about ending it a few times, and i'm fine with it, but when I think about seeing her talking to another boy or me missing little things about her after we've finished I change my mind, but then i think about it a couple of days later!! Also, if I were to spend MY money on something I want that she doesn't see as useful, she would go on at me. Heres a good one, I bought FIFA 13 the day it came out, with my own money (i was only on £60 a week at the time) she found out, fell out with me, said "you wasted £40 on a ****ing game that 10 year olds play when you could of spent it on taking me for a day out", so I lied to her and told her i returned it, took her for a day out the next day off of what she thought was the money returned for fifa, and for the past 4 months she's never found out I still have it and play it almost every day. My mates (who I used to be with most of the time but dont talk to now) text me now and again asking me to come out, I say i cant because i'm seeing her, and they say she's controlling my life etc. Which is right, but if I were to reply saying 'i know' or something like that, and my girlfriend found out, that'd be me being moaned at for days. I'm sick of it. It is generally a good relationship, we're happy when we're with eachother, but when you stand back and analyse it all, It's unbelievable what has changed in a year because of her. Also, she wants to go on a girls holiday soon. I know she doesn't drink and would never cheat on me, so I wasn't worried and said 'yeah that's fine'. But wouldn't you know it, when I mentioned a lads holiday, i was put back in my place. I'm still young, i'm not living the rest of my life like that, no way. I want to go out, i want to go to the football, i want to spend my money on myself, but i not sure if I could lose her. I realise i've just written a bible length post here haha, this is the first time i've written all this down, theres so much to write about the relationship but I think you've read all you need to know. I want the freedom I used to have, any advice would be appreciated! Thanks for your time

She's right though; football and video games are a waste of time. Dump her so she can be with someone who appreciates her while you piss your money and life away on football matches and FIFA :smile:

LOL @ the no lifers negging me. Keep 'em coming, I don't care, what I say is the truth :smile:

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 14

jreid1994

Original post by Mycroft Holmes

She's right though; football and video games are a waste of time. Dump her so she can be with someone who appreciates her while you piss your money and life away on football matches and FIFA :smile:

She's like Stalin. She practically dictated his life for the last year! Even a married couple gets laid more than him. OP, she better be a virgin or she is the worst girlfriend you would probably ever have.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 15

Four Queue

You know what you should do, we know what you should do. It's up to you to go and do it.

Reply 16

username925822

You dating a black girl?lol

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 17

leah_morgan

I'd say leave her. You shouldn't be with someone who's changed you for the worse. Be with someone who loves you for you and doesn't want to change you.

My boyfriend's ex was really controlling. She tried to make him apply for the same universities she applied for, she was controlling in other ways too, but I won't waffle on about that. He was really miserable. It took him 13 months to finish it and she tried to manipulate him even after they finished.

You need someone who's their own person, but also loves you, doesn't depend too much on you and let's you do your own thing.

Get out now before it's too late.

Reply 18

JC.

Original post by Anonymous

To a point you *do* have to compromise a bit in a relationship - you have to kerb your social activities to a degree.
That said, the girl clearly has double standards. I would challenge her over the holiday issue...
"when are you going on holiday?" "I'm thinking about organising one on the same week so I'm not sat about like a lemmon"
If she kicks off, just tell her she can't have double standards and that either you both go or noone goes.

So far as the game goes... sod that. I'd have to mock her. "Sorry mummy, I didn't know I had to ask your permission".

You need to claim back a bit of self respect mate. When she gets in your face just smile and say "What are you actually going to do about it?" "All you're going to do is shout and scream and for once I'm going to make a point of ignoring you and do what I want anyway so you might as well chill the **** out and save your breath".

If a girl started screaming in my face I'd just say "until you're ready to have a conversation in a calm constructive errudite manor, this conversation is over" and refuse to respond - they'll soon get bored and go away to let off steam then come back full of apologies.

You can only be controlled if you *allow* yourself to be controlled. Simply put - don't allow it!

Reply 19

CJKay

You need some self-respect. She's throwing you around like a wet fish and you're just accepting it. Next time she gets angry at you, challenge it. e.g. About the football matches, tell her that you have your mates and she has her mates - if she tries to dictate what you do with yours, you will do so with hers. Also, about the holiday, do what the poster above me said.
But you need to start standing up to her. That way, she has only two options: a) She will sort herself out, and give you the respect you deserve or b) She will break it off, in which case she would only be doing you a favour.