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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
I have read so many documents about obsessive compulsive disorder which not only confirm I am a sufferer but also that society has no real idea of what it’s about. So here I am to offer a subjective account of what goes on in my mind:
OCD and Me.
I have a thing about the number three. It’s a safe number. You see I can’t cope with things not feeling safe and so in whatever circumstances I have to make myself feel safe. This could be by touching something three times or looking at something or someone three times. Its not all about the number three though: I have to do things a certain way and in my head if I don’t do it that way then something bad will happen. I have to put a right shoe on first or I’ll die. Things have to be a certain bizarre way and they become fixed in my mind and all I think about all day is how these certain things have to be done. This makes me terribly unsocial at times. I’m scared of just about everyone; I think they’re all trying to make me not feel right and so I’m sceptical. I don’t trust anyone and if I think they’re against me and trying to not make me feel right I become cold and angry with them. I disagree with everything they say and argue for the sake of it because I think I hate them and that I can see through them for the horrible insignificant people that they are. I do have loads of friends-believe it or not-and not one of them knows what goes through my head. Perhaps because I’m a good liar, I act in a way they seem to perceive as normal. Yet they don’t know what’s going through my head every time I see them. From panic attacks where I think I can’t breathe and I have to take myself to a safe place normally where I can hide out to being constantly aware of everything that’s around me in case anyone tries to impair on me feeling ok. I can’t eat in public, I even struggle at home. I have this thing about choking on my food and every swallow for me is difficult. Almost everything I eat I have a panic attack where I think its gone down the wrong way. There’s always something wrong with me, I have to worry about something. I can never let my guard down. I can pin-point to when this started. I was thirteen and I had appendicitis and I had an attack I never had before where I thought I couldn’t breathe. Although assured that I was fine I never believed the doctors, how could they know? They weren’t feeling it. From then on I became very aware of everthing that happens in my body; the tiniest muscle twitch and I think its something major like and arteries caved in or my wind pipe has snapped. Yeah it’s weird isn’t it? It’s completely irrational and I realise that so why can’t I stop it?
As I grew up with this (from thirteen) I never realised that the cause of the attacks was me. When I realised that I tried to put a stop to it. But its got worse by trying to do so. Every time one of these evil thoughts arise and I try to fight it I just jut and twitch and I’m trying to tell myself not to cave in and do these obsessive things but I can’t because this evil presence which clearly doesn’t exist will kill me or I’ll be ugly or a certain thing will go wrong or everyone will hate me and I know these things are not true and I try to fight it but I can’t. Why? Because it’s a mental state. You can’t punch a mental state and in my case you can’t tell it to stop. I’m not in control of my mind’s way of thinking at all and if I try to be then I go crazy. I get this feeling of being wrong and eugh. But it’s not your bog-standard I feel crap thing which everyone gets. It’s this massive harrowing feeling in my heart that is so deep and painful. It takes over me completely and I get so angry; not in a violent way but I shake. If I’m on my own I just let myself get angry and be like this but amongst people I go sour and horrible. I hate everyone and as above I think I can see through each and every one of them. Either that or I panic and freak out. I mean a major freak out. It normally depends on my mood on how I respond to these thoughts and things which control me but either way the result is not good and I slowly become that little bit more damaged.
You see in my head I have to abide by these rituals. I have to put my right shoe on first I have to turn to the right to go to sleep or I’ll have the really bad dreams where I freeze and I’m always fighting, I have to wash my hands three times before I go to bed, I can’t walk up these particular stairs at college, I have to say some things three times, I’m always gasping for air in a public place because I’ve convinced myself I can’t breathe, I can’t touch or let anything touch this area on my neck, I have to straighten my hair a certain way and I can’t walk down a canal path. These are only a few!
I’m stuck in a rut that I can’t actually get out of and I’m mentally exhausted all the time. I’m declining socially as I’m slowly going out a lot less as the physical signs of my conditions are beginning to show and it’s getting to a point that I can’t control them. I’m losing my mind and I’m fully aware of it and it’s devastating me. And I can’t seek professional help; why? Because they’re all against me and they’ll stop me feeling ‘right’. Because at the end of the day; it’s only this wrenching feeling that is safe to me.
I’m writing this because I want to raise awareness on OCD. Again I repeat I have read many document on it but none have touched on the real reason why. For me it seems incurable but I think there are many cases which can be nipped in the bud. The thing is you can’t tell if someone’s got OCD till the later stages so I encourage any people who suffer even minutely from it to speak out about it.
Thank-you for reading.
OCD and Me.
I have a thing about the number three. It’s a safe number. You see I can’t cope with things not feeling safe and so in whatever circumstances I have to make myself feel safe. This could be by touching something three times or looking at something or someone three times. Its not all about the number three though: I have to do things a certain way and in my head if I don’t do it that way then something bad will happen. I have to put a right shoe on first or I’ll die. Things have to be a certain bizarre way and they become fixed in my mind and all I think about all day is how these certain things have to be done. This makes me terribly unsocial at times. I’m scared of just about everyone; I think they’re all trying to make me not feel right and so I’m sceptical. I don’t trust anyone and if I think they’re against me and trying to not make me feel right I become cold and angry with them. I disagree with everything they say and argue for the sake of it because I think I hate them and that I can see through them for the horrible insignificant people that they are. I do have loads of friends-believe it or not-and not one of them knows what goes through my head. Perhaps because I’m a good liar, I act in a way they seem to perceive as normal. Yet they don’t know what’s going through my head every time I see them. From panic attacks where I think I can’t breathe and I have to take myself to a safe place normally where I can hide out to being constantly aware of everything that’s around me in case anyone tries to impair on me feeling ok. I can’t eat in public, I even struggle at home. I have this thing about choking on my food and every swallow for me is difficult. Almost everything I eat I have a panic attack where I think its gone down the wrong way. There’s always something wrong with me, I have to worry about something. I can never let my guard down. I can pin-point to when this started. I was thirteen and I had appendicitis and I had an attack I never had before where I thought I couldn’t breathe. Although assured that I was fine I never believed the doctors, how could they know? They weren’t feeling it. From then on I became very aware of everthing that happens in my body; the tiniest muscle twitch and I think its something major like and arteries caved in or my wind pipe has snapped. Yeah it’s weird isn’t it? It’s completely irrational and I realise that so why can’t I stop it?
As I grew up with this (from thirteen) I never realised that the cause of the attacks was me. When I realised that I tried to put a stop to it. But its got worse by trying to do so. Every time one of these evil thoughts arise and I try to fight it I just jut and twitch and I’m trying to tell myself not to cave in and do these obsessive things but I can’t because this evil presence which clearly doesn’t exist will kill me or I’ll be ugly or a certain thing will go wrong or everyone will hate me and I know these things are not true and I try to fight it but I can’t. Why? Because it’s a mental state. You can’t punch a mental state and in my case you can’t tell it to stop. I’m not in control of my mind’s way of thinking at all and if I try to be then I go crazy. I get this feeling of being wrong and eugh. But it’s not your bog-standard I feel crap thing which everyone gets. It’s this massive harrowing feeling in my heart that is so deep and painful. It takes over me completely and I get so angry; not in a violent way but I shake. If I’m on my own I just let myself get angry and be like this but amongst people I go sour and horrible. I hate everyone and as above I think I can see through each and every one of them. Either that or I panic and freak out. I mean a major freak out. It normally depends on my mood on how I respond to these thoughts and things which control me but either way the result is not good and I slowly become that little bit more damaged.
You see in my head I have to abide by these rituals. I have to put my right shoe on first I have to turn to the right to go to sleep or I’ll have the really bad dreams where I freeze and I’m always fighting, I have to wash my hands three times before I go to bed, I can’t walk up these particular stairs at college, I have to say some things three times, I’m always gasping for air in a public place because I’ve convinced myself I can’t breathe, I can’t touch or let anything touch this area on my neck, I have to straighten my hair a certain way and I can’t walk down a canal path. These are only a few!
I’m stuck in a rut that I can’t actually get out of and I’m mentally exhausted all the time. I’m declining socially as I’m slowly going out a lot less as the physical signs of my conditions are beginning to show and it’s getting to a point that I can’t control them. I’m losing my mind and I’m fully aware of it and it’s devastating me. And I can’t seek professional help; why? Because they’re all against me and they’ll stop me feeling ‘right’. Because at the end of the day; it’s only this wrenching feeling that is safe to me.
I’m writing this because I want to raise awareness on OCD. Again I repeat I have read many document on it but none have touched on the real reason why. For me it seems incurable but I think there are many cases which can be nipped in the bud. The thing is you can’t tell if someone’s got OCD till the later stages so I encourage any people who suffer even minutely from it to speak out about it.
Thank-you for reading.
Scroll to see replies
Reply 1
oh my gosh i know what you mean. i think that i've got it but i'm terrified of telling anyone. I'm scared they will think im weird or mental. I know it sounds stupid. Some of the things i HAVE to do include;
Switching the light switch of and on three or four times.
Looking at the digital clock three or for times really quickly before the digits change
when reading having to read the words correctly if i go wrong i have to kinda breath and reasses and then re read all the text on the page again and again untill i get it right.
finishing a drink and then lifting the glass again setting it down and touching it
wen leaving a table the chair has to be perfectly in line and pushed in
do u think i mite have it
I know it weird and every year (i've had since i was bout 12) i try and stop but i cant. If i dont do these things i get horrid thoughts and get frustrated some times even hitting walls and stuff. I'm scared bad things will happen. It like if i can see something i have to look at it again before i loose sight of it.
I'm terrified it will come to people notice and they start asking questions. Its a kinda private thing that i do on the sly if u know what i mean. I want it to stop but i'm afraid of getting proffesioanl help. Sorry i dont suppose i've really helped you. But just want you to know i know how you may be feeling
Switching the light switch of and on three or four times.
Looking at the digital clock three or for times really quickly before the digits change
when reading having to read the words correctly if i go wrong i have to kinda breath and reasses and then re read all the text on the page again and again untill i get it right.
finishing a drink and then lifting the glass again setting it down and touching it
wen leaving a table the chair has to be perfectly in line and pushed in
do u think i mite have it
I know it weird and every year (i've had since i was bout 12) i try and stop but i cant. If i dont do these things i get horrid thoughts and get frustrated some times even hitting walls and stuff. I'm scared bad things will happen. It like if i can see something i have to look at it again before i loose sight of it.
I'm terrified it will come to people notice and they start asking questions. Its a kinda private thing that i do on the sly if u know what i mean. I want it to stop but i'm afraid of getting proffesioanl help. Sorry i dont suppose i've really helped you. But just want you to know i know how you may be feeling
Reply 2
Anonymous
oh my gosh i know what you mean. i think that i've got it but i'm terrified of telling anyone. I'm scared they will think im weird or mental. I know it sounds stupid. Some of the things i HAVE to do include;
Switching the light switch of and on three or four times.
Looking at the digital clock three or for times really quickly before the digits change
when reading having to read the words correctly if i go wrong i have to kinda breath and reasses and then re read all the text on the page again and again untill i get it right.
finishing a drink and then lifting the glass again setting it down and touching it
wen leaving a table the chair has to be perfectly in line and pushed in
do u think i mite have it
I know it weird and every year (i've had since i was bout 12) i try and stop but i cant. If i dont do these things i get horrid thoughts and get frustrated some times even hitting walls and stuff. I'm scared bad things will happen. It like if i can see something i have to look at it again before i loose sight of it.
I'm terrified it will come to people notice and they start asking questions. Its a kinda private thing that i do on the sly if u know what i mean. I want it to stop but i'm afraid of getting proffesioanl help. Sorry i dont suppose i've really helped you. But just want you to know i know how you may be feeling
Switching the light switch of and on three or four times.
Looking at the digital clock three or for times really quickly before the digits change
when reading having to read the words correctly if i go wrong i have to kinda breath and reasses and then re read all the text on the page again and again untill i get it right.
finishing a drink and then lifting the glass again setting it down and touching it
wen leaving a table the chair has to be perfectly in line and pushed in
do u think i mite have it
I know it weird and every year (i've had since i was bout 12) i try and stop but i cant. If i dont do these things i get horrid thoughts and get frustrated some times even hitting walls and stuff. I'm scared bad things will happen. It like if i can see something i have to look at it again before i loose sight of it.
I'm terrified it will come to people notice and they start asking questions. Its a kinda private thing that i do on the sly if u know what i mean. I want it to stop but i'm afraid of getting proffesioanl help. Sorry i dont suppose i've really helped you. But just want you to know i know how you may be feeling
It's encouraging to know someone else it doing the same thing. It's so weird though doing these stupid little things which I have to do and no-one notices!
Reply 3
i know but i getting more and more worried that they'll be noticed wish i could stop i hate it
Reply 4
It's caused by chemical malfunctions in the brain, someone at my school ahd it real serious and they're alot better now. Go to a doctor! Now!
Reply 5
But to be fair many people suffer from it slightly...
Reply 7
When i was younger if I was walking on tiles or paving slaps i had to walk in exactly the middle or it would feel 'wrong', if i didnt play with my toys equally id be scared they would kill me for revenge...
Monaca from friends has it
Monaca from friends has it
It's a lot more common than you'd think, rest assured you're not the only one who has these feelings. Like narb said, lots of people have tendencies towards it, just in some they go further than just little quirks. I know I have some.
See a doctor or a counsellor though, there really are several options open to you which might help you begin to overcome this.
See a doctor or a counsellor though, there really are several options open to you which might help you begin to overcome this.
Reply 10
technik
having a few quirks does not constitute having OCD.
Just a few quirks? Thank-you for getting to the root of my problem there sir.
Theresa Smells
It's caused by chemical malfunctions in the brain, someone at my school ahd it real serious and they're alot better now. Go to a doctor! Now!
Well that could be considered one reason, I would think there are several other Psychological orgins that may also cause the behaviour, very similar to that of Phobias. By doing these rituals, you reinforce the disorder itself.
I think that most people have small 'quirks' such as.. I always had to check the 4 corners of my room before I went to slepp when little.. Dont know why - most people have these. When more and more rituals, and thoughts start to develop and have a impact on your self and lifestyle then OCD starts to form. But again thats more my conception of it.
technik
having a few quirks does not constitute having OCD.
I realise this. I hope that wasn't addressed to me.
Edit: I see now that it was. Well, I didn't SAY that having a few quirks constituted OCD, did I? I said that most people have things which could be seen that way, but some people it goes further than just a few oddities, which is when it becomes a problem.
Reply 14
I'm rather sure that I have it, to a minor degree at least. I get these awful little messages, if I don't do something a certain way "I'll die". Sometimes paranoia, like I'm being watched, and everything I do is being judged, even my thoughts. I'm not religious, by the way. These thoughts are not so bad as it was when I was under 15, and I try not to let it dictate things, but it's incredibly irritating. This could be anything from moving an object to a certain area; turning a something on and off a certain number of times; constantly checking my watch or a clock even though I might have just looked 12 seconds ago; even touching something. The worst is when I'm in a car, and I have an urge to punch the driver. I don't know why, I'm not a violent person at all. I get nauseating feelings if I don't end up doing the task, and I end up twitching, usually my left leg. I have a problem with blinking, sometimes I feel the need to keep blinking. I find the cold air on my eyeballs irritating. The same is the case with the plalms of my hands, I feel like I need them to be clenched as a fist. Even right now, after every sentence when I'm typing, I end up clenching my hands into a fist. I can't stand my ears being touched, which makes cleaning them complete torture. I repeat things out to myself and to others too, even if I'm perfectly aware that it's registered with the person. Sometimes I find that I can't settle if I've not said something a certain number of times.
I feel really self obsessed when I complain about these things, like I'm making a mountain of a molehill, and perhaps everyone feels this way. Nonetheless, it's incredibly irritating, and I'm considering going to the doctor over it.
I feel really self obsessed when I complain about these things, like I'm making a mountain of a molehill, and perhaps everyone feels this way. Nonetheless, it's incredibly irritating, and I'm considering going to the doctor over it.
Reply 15
I agree with everyone, the doctor's your best bet, they can refer you to whoever you need to see. I hope it works out for you! 
I have minor thingies, one of them being that I have to have the volume on an even number, but not OCD.
Is OCD only when you think that something really really bad is going to happen or you're going to die, or can it just be that you think it's really unlucky? xxx
I have minor thingies, one of them being that I have to have the volume on an even number, but not OCD.
Is OCD only when you think that something really really bad is going to happen or you're going to die, or can it just be that you think it's really unlucky? xxx
Reply 16
Anonymous
I'm rather sure that I have it, to a minor degree at least. I get these awful little messages, if I don't do something a certain way "I'll die". Sometimes paranoia, like I'm being watched, and everything I do is being judged, even my thoughts. I'm not religious, by the way. These thoughts are not so bad as it was when I was under 15, and I try not to let it dictate things, but it's incredibly irritating. This could be anything from moving an object to a certain area; turning a something on and off a certain number of times; constantly checking my watch or a clock even though I might have just looked 12 seconds ago; even touching something. The worst is when I'm in a car, and I have an urge to punch the driver. I don't know why, I'm not a violent person at all. I get nauseating feelings if I don't end up doing the task, and I end up twitching, usually my left leg. I have a problem with blinking, sometimes I feel the need to keep blinking. I find the cold air on my eyeballs irritating. The same is the case with the plalms of my hands, I feel like I need them to be clenched as a fist. Even right now, after every sentence when I'm typing, I end up clenching my hands into a fist. I can't stand my ears being touched, which makes cleaning them complete torture. I repeat things out to myself and to others too, even if I'm perfectly aware that it's registered with the person. Sometimes I find that I can't settle if I've not said something a certain number of times.
I feel really self obsessed when I complain about these things, like I'm making a mountain of a molehill, and perhaps everyone feels this way. Nonetheless, it's incredibly irritating, and I'm considering going to the doctor over it.
I feel really self obsessed when I complain about these things, like I'm making a mountain of a molehill, and perhaps everyone feels this way. Nonetheless, it's incredibly irritating, and I'm considering going to the doctor over it.
I know its the fact that we're considering it not rushing there is just so wrong as we both know its not right. I get those evil thoughts as I get above and actually going about it is difficult. I think and this sounds bizarre but instead of telling my doctor I'm going to print of the post above and let him read it as I know I'll never actually say it.
omg, lol, this thread has made me think. ever since i was a kid,u know when u walk on the pavement, and then the surface of the pavement changes colour because its made from a different type of tarmac, well i always have the 'need' to walk an odd number of steps on each different surface. if i do an even number of steps on one surface,i feel like 'cr*p summat bad'll happen'. 
Reply 19
I usually have an obsession with cleaning and when I wash. Usually when I clean everything has its own little timetable, it has to be done in that timetable or I have to restart all over again - even if dishes were washed they'd be taken out and put back into their order and washed again. For washing myself I tend to scrub and scrub until I bleed in places and I don't know why I do it, I have the fear of not being clean, and I wash 3 times a day and have to use the same shampoo, conditioner, shower gel etc or I don't feel clean enough..... yeah
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