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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I have read so many documents about obsessive compulsive disorder which not only confirm I am a sufferer but also that society has no real idea of what it’s about. So here I am to offer a subjective account of what goes on in my mind:

OCD and Me.

I have a thing about the number three. It’s a safe number. You see I can’t cope with things not feeling safe and so in whatever circumstances I have to make myself feel safe. This could be by touching something three times or looking at something or someone three times. Its not all about the number three though: I have to do things a certain way and in my head if I don’t do it that way then something bad will happen. I have to put a right shoe on first or I’ll die. Things have to be a certain bizarre way and they become fixed in my mind and all I think about all day is how these certain things have to be done. This makes me terribly unsocial at times. I’m scared of just about everyone; I think they’re all trying to make me not feel right and so I’m sceptical. I don’t trust anyone and if I think they’re against me and trying to not make me feel right I become cold and angry with them. I disagree with everything they say and argue for the sake of it because I think I hate them and that I can see through them for the horrible insignificant people that they are. I do have loads of friends-believe it or not-and not one of them knows what goes through my head. Perhaps because I’m a good liar, I act in a way they seem to perceive as normal. Yet they don’t know what’s going through my head every time I see them. From panic attacks where I think I can’t breathe and I have to take myself to a safe place normally where I can hide out to being constantly aware of everything that’s around me in case anyone tries to impair on me feeling ok. I can’t eat in public, I even struggle at home. I have this thing about choking on my food and every swallow for me is difficult. Almost everything I eat I have a panic attack where I think its gone down the wrong way. There’s always something wrong with me, I have to worry about something. I can never let my guard down. I can pin-point to when this started. I was thirteen and I had appendicitis and I had an attack I never had before where I thought I couldn’t breathe. Although assured that I was fine I never believed the doctors, how could they know? They weren’t feeling it. From then on I became very aware of everthing that happens in my body; the tiniest muscle twitch and I think its something major like and arteries caved in or my wind pipe has snapped. Yeah it’s weird isn’t it? It’s completely irrational and I realise that so why can’t I stop it?

As I grew up with this (from thirteen) I never realised that the cause of the attacks was me. When I realised that I tried to put a stop to it. But its got worse by trying to do so. Every time one of these evil thoughts arise and I try to fight it I just jut and twitch and I’m trying to tell myself not to cave in and do these obsessive things but I can’t because this evil presence which clearly doesn’t exist will kill me or I’ll be ugly or a certain thing will go wrong or everyone will hate me and I know these things are not true and I try to fight it but I can’t. Why? Because it’s a mental state. You can’t punch a mental state and in my case you can’t tell it to stop. I’m not in control of my mind’s way of thinking at all and if I try to be then I go crazy. I get this feeling of being wrong and eugh. But it’s not your bog-standard I feel crap thing which everyone gets. It’s this massive harrowing feeling in my heart that is so deep and painful. It takes over me completely and I get so angry; not in a violent way but I shake. If I’m on my own I just let myself get angry and be like this but amongst people I go sour and horrible. I hate everyone and as above I think I can see through each and every one of them. Either that or I panic and freak out. I mean a major freak out. It normally depends on my mood on how I respond to these thoughts and things which control me but either way the result is not good and I slowly become that little bit more damaged.

You see in my head I have to abide by these rituals. I have to put my right shoe on first I have to turn to the right to go to sleep or I’ll have the really bad dreams where I freeze and I’m always fighting, I have to wash my hands three times before I go to bed, I can’t walk up these particular stairs at college, I have to say some things three times, I’m always gasping for air in a public place because I’ve convinced myself I can’t breathe, I can’t touch or let anything touch this area on my neck, I have to straighten my hair a certain way and I can’t walk down a canal path. These are only a few!

I’m stuck in a rut that I can’t actually get out of and I’m mentally exhausted all the time. I’m declining socially as I’m slowly going out a lot less as the physical signs of my conditions are beginning to show and it’s getting to a point that I can’t control them. I’m losing my mind and I’m fully aware of it and it’s devastating me. And I can’t seek professional help; why? Because they’re all against me and they’ll stop me feeling ‘right’. Because at the end of the day; it’s only this wrenching feeling that is safe to me.

I’m writing this because I want to raise awareness on OCD. Again I repeat I have read many document on it but none have touched on the real reason why. For me it seems incurable but I think there are many cases which can be nipped in the bud. The thing is you can’t tell if someone’s got OCD till the later stages so I encourage any people who suffer even minutely from it to speak out about it.

Thank-you for reading.

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Reply 40

belle_27

I've had OCD for nearly 5 years now and its only since last December that I've really started to cope with it. Mine is hygiene, mostly washing hands. It gets worse for me around exam time when I get very stressed and start thinking that if I don't wash my hands my revision won't go in and then I'll fail my exams.

It started to get bad and out of control a little while ago to the extent that I couldn't sleep. I came downstairs and did a search on this forum and found a link to a website that I found really useful. Some of the things sound really obvious but reading it and just getting that information into your head I found really helped when I was trying to stop doing the things I thought I should. Here's the link: http://www.ocduk.org/2/foursteps.htm

Reply 41

hairy fairy

Seriously, guys, you need to get to a therapist. OCD is a serious (in some case) disorder and you may end up hurting yourself or others around you and it may effect your well being! ALL therapist are there to help you and even if it seems easier to stay in your rituals, it could really effect your lives, just like all disorders can. I truley did find this fascinating that so many people suffer from this even if its just mild (cant say that I do but have studied it and its interesting), it must be comforting to know how many do suffer for people who have OCD. I feel for you guys sooo much, I really couldnt comprehend what you go through. I'm all for awarness of this disorder and think all of you are great for speaking out. But you must go to a therapist, they will help, no matter how scary it is, it will be hard, why dont you organise a group trip to see one if the therapist will let you? Good luck xx

Oh yeah, just one more thing, let other people know you have OCD, they will possibly be more understanding which may help you to relax as you will know you dont have to hide it from them. Just a thought!

Reply 42

Anonymous #9

it's true people do all have OCD to a varying degree, except I wouldn't call it OCD, i would say it's just everyone's little rituals and crazy habbits that they do. everyone's got them. but obsessive compulsive disorder is exactly that.. a disorder. im sure people have seen the programmes on tv of fellow sufferers and you can see, quite clearly, that if left to its own devices it can become quite a debilitating and destabilising disorder. it takes over your life.

i have had it for as long as i can remember, and my numbers are 2 and 5 - mostly 5 but then i get moments where i can't do 5 as it's an odd number and have to go for 2's instead! i noticed all these things i did in primary school and obviously, thought they were normal.

it wasn't until secondary school when i researched the symptoms i had on the internet, and as i found OCD i went to the doctor. she referred me to a psychologist, who diagnosed me with OCD and so then I could set about treatment. I began with cognitive behavioural therapy, and i tell u, don't waste the time. it is extremely pointless and the best they can do is challenge your thoughts and say 'why do you do this?' and 'well just don't do it!' but if it was as simple as that then obviously you wouldn't have the problem in the first place.

i was also suggested anti-depressants, but in a higher dosage than one would take for depression (in higher dosages A-Ds are used for treating anxiety disorders). now i am highly against taking any of these kinds of pills which may have other, adverse side-effects and so I didn't sign up for these. So aside from that there was not much else I can do. I've just had to live with it. I occasionally have panic attacks associated with my OCD but that's life, and it's just something that makes me me.

I completely agree in that the OP says OCD is incurable. imo, it is. Anyway that's my little input, sorry it had to be posted anonymously but I have a few friends on tsr and my OCD is my little world which I do not want to share with my friends of real life.

Reply 43

smilee172

guitargirl03

I was diagnosed with OCD last year, and I've suffered with it for 10 years...

I have rituals which I need to complete before I go to bed. I need to flick the lights an even number of times before it feels 'right'. I also need to check electrical appliances 4 times. I also have to flick the lights on and off 4 times before I leave a room.

I also count things in my head, and then count backwards. So, for example, if I saw 3 trees, then I would then add on 2 and then 1. If the final number wasn't even, I would have to count something else. I also have to count TV credits, and if the number of credits isn't even, I would then have to add on another programme's credits.

I also have to blink an even number of times, and I also have to walk an even number of times.

Also, I have to keep washing my hands if I touch anything. Also, if I touch something, I have to touch that an even number of times.

OCD is a terrible illness and I really feel for anyone else who suffers from it.

i do exactly the same things.. with the counting things in my head and having to add things to make it even etc etc.

Reply 44

puppy

Anonymous

I began with cognitive behavioural therapy, and i tell u, don't waste the time. it is extremely pointless and the best they can do is challenge your thoughts and say 'why do you do this?' and 'well just don't do it!' but if it was as simple as that then obviously you wouldn't have the problem in the first place.

I think most doctors would want to send you for CBT before they gave you a load of pills to take so I don't think it will really be up to people whether or not they 'waste' time on it. In any case, some people might find it very helpful- I had it for GAD and it seemed to work fairly well so long as you don't expect to be entirely cured. Most people with disorders like these don't ever fully get rid of them.

Have any of you ever considered hypnotherapy? It can be quite good for changing behaviour- I've known people who've successfully given up smoking after trying it.

Reply 45

Anonymous #10

Anonymous

i would say that the 'compulsive behaviour' part of ocd is becoming A LOT more well known than the other (maybe less common?) part - obsessive thoughts, specifically deeply disturbing images and thoughts that are highly unacceptable to the person having them e.g. murdering their sister, or having sexual thoughts about their parents. as someone who has suffered both aspects of OCD (having to do things repeatedly, and suffering from intrusive thoughts), i have to say i found the 'horrible thoughts' bit a hell of a lot more traumatic than walking through a doorway loads of times - although that was pretty irritating!! a lot of the time the two sides of ocd are interlinked e.g. i would do things over and over to 'correct' a bad thought that had come into my head (it sounds so crazy i know but other people do it, honest!). i just wanted to point out the other kind of OCD that isnt so much publicised and talked about, because the lack of education about it means that people will go on suffering for years, not knowing whats wrong with them - i spent 7 years thinking i was an awful, sick person, when i finally found something about ocd on the internet and went to a doctor to get help. i think schools should do some compulsory lesson on mental health like they do on sex education.. but then i spose we'd have loads of kids saying 'i hate the number 13! im mentally ill! im mentally ill!' !!

i have this. and its incredibly hard to deal with but its such a relief to know that is not just me being a horrible person but is a diagnosable illness, that makes it easier to deal with. i cant go see a docter at the moment because of exams, and its also a very scary thought admitting the whole thing to someone!

Reply 46

Angelicx1x

I havnt got OCD, but have found this thread really eye opening.
I mean, i knew what OCD was, but never realised how it affects people.
I read quite far into this thread but stopped after Mellies post.
I know you dont want sympathy, but i have to say, your post made me cry. Im still tearful now! The part about you writing an imaginary essay and your friend just stares at your hand whilst talking to you. I know you dont want pity, but, i dont know, that part of your post just really got to me.
All you OCD sufferers are admiral people. I hope you all lead fulfilling lives, and hopefully, one day over come your OCD

Chae x

Reply 47

Sallykins

OCD is a bit of a taboo thing really - a bit like self harm. I have it, but am a lot better than I used to be after having councelling. I used to have to tap the light switch sixty times with my wrist or 'something bad' would happen, for example. Now there are still some things that I do, but I have tried so so hard to stop the main rituals. I know that the ritual side of things has come more to light in recent years; but I think it would be incredibly difficult for someone to admit some of the disturbing thoughts OCD sufferers have e.g. 'disgusting' sexual acts, the urge to shout things in a meeting or something. But, then again, would it be a good thing to 'bring these things into the spolight' as it were? People have to know and feel confident that it is ok and that they're not bad people for having these thoughts, just like self harmers (to revert back to my earlier allusion) aren't bad people for cutting themselves.

Reply 48

Anonymous #11

These are only my OPINIONS, i am NOT a doctor or anything...

the above is kinda a compulsion too. i worry i will offend people, i have to cover myself in case something happens and i get blamed for something. i've posted this as anon as i will worry a lot otherwise. i've suffered from OCD for as long as i can remember-my parents first noticed it when i was 4 (bcos my dad has it too). it affects me in LOTS of ways, from getting up in a morning to the degree i will be able to pursue. in 2005 it pretty much crippled me and meant i couldnt leave the house, it also had a major impact on depression and my eating amongst other things. i have had and do have too many compulsions to list, from touching and repeating things 256 times to have to make sure i walk *properly*. i do agree that ppl have little quirks and can have obsessive personalities-totally different to OCD though. for me, the internal compulsions and overthinking is more painful that the outward rituals.

to the original poster:

to ME it sounds like OCD, i can definately relate to some of the things you said. i would urge you strongly to see you local gp, because you do deserve help (same to any1 who thinks they may have it). I've found OCD to be a false friend-it's sneaky and will protect itself...it will tell you that seeking help is not good, that by doing as it likes you will feel *safe* when really it is the one hurting you. you deserve more. *major positive vibes*. i also agree meds and therapy don't agree with e1, you have to find what works for you, but i haven't known any1 with debilitating OCD that has improved without doing something about it. again only my opinions etc (grr now i'm frightened somehow i've offended someone and it will come back to me 3 fold, annoying!!!!)

p.s. mellie, i found your post inspiring and would like to thank you for sharing!

Reply 49

wiggles

Everyone has their little quirks, but to the OP it does sound like you may have OCD. But on the topc of little quirks, I know I don't have OCD, but there are a few things that I always have to do, and have just become part of my life. These are of course, nowhere near as serious as OCD, but for example,

I always have to look behind the shower curtain whenever I enter the bathroom, just to check no ones hiding behind there.
I used to have a weird thing with my feet where if one of them was walking on a darker part of the pavement than the other it felt weird.
No matter how hot it is, I can't sleep without a duvet on top of me.
I have to be IN the room whenever the beeper on the microwave goes off.
I have to be OUT of the room whenever the last bit of water from the bath goes down the drain.

Reply 50

Anonymous #12

I'm not entirely sure what I have but I know I'm...a little different shall we say..My main thing is things being clean. I hate people, except certain 'clean' people touching my things. But touching my bed....forget it, sit on top of the duvet but inside it's mine!
I'm sure people notice these things that I do, I can't touch things like doorhandles..why anyone would want to is beyond me! even light switches. so this leaves me compelled to wear long sleves....it's horrid esp in the summer but unless I can then go and wash my hands I'm done.
I know we need to have germs but in moderation! This is probably the most obvious thing in mu life that people notice.
My other things are that I have to have cds dvds/books in alphabetical (and rating u,pg,12..) order.but other than that I'm not tidy freak at all! I also have to bite down when driving along at each tree we pass...and try and make some tune match to the rhythm of the trees. I have noticed tho that now I'm learning to drive I don't do it (so much...not too sure!) I also when talking to people have to spell difficult words out in my head just to make sure that I can still spell them!
It's horrid but as to the person that says we should all see drs, well I'm not putting anyone else or myself really in danger. these things just make sense to me.

Reply 51

Anonymous #1

Just to let you know Ive been to see the doctor today. I almost didn't go and I couldn't actually say it to him so I showed him what I told you guys on the original post. He's referring me to a psychiatrist to get to the root of the problem. It feels so good to have been able to communicate the problem, I naturally find it very difficult to open up like that and by doing so I'm now going to take the necessary steps to sort it out. The hardest is yet to come I reckon.

My advice to other people suffering from OCD is to see a doctor, I understand how difficult it is-I almost didn't go because I felt so stupid and although I feel ok now I have a problem and I know that if I don't get it sorted the attacks will continue and eat up more of my life. Don't let it eat up yours too.

Reply 52

That artistic one

i used to have it, but now it is just minor things, not really OCD anymore.

Reply 53

Anonymous #13

I dont think many people would consider OCD taboo, or something you should be embarrassed about (who are none sufferers). Why do you feel it is something you cannot talk about except anonymously?(aimed at everyone who said they were embarrassed to talk aobut it)

Reply 54

Anonymous #1

Anonymous

Just saying that shows how ignorant you are to it.

Reply 55

Anonymous #14

i talk to myself sometimes telling me that what i jsut did was really stupid, I´ve even slapped myself sometimes.. but it got better eventually and no one aver noticed anything. i also sometimes get the complete urge to write things down that are in my head and end up scribbling undecipherable bull, where only a few words stand out...
sometimes i repeat senseless things over and over to myself, like an hour ago on the bus "you cant do down to the water, really" in different accents and speeds, stopping midsentence and staring all over again because it didnt sound right.. that doesnt happen often though

i guess many people have problems like this and simply dont admit it.

Reply 56

guitargirl03

Anonymous

Many people can feel embarrassed about it. Personally, I felt different because I had rituals to do.

Mental illness is not so much as taboo as it used to be, but that still doesn't mean that everyone HAS to talk about their illness. Also, people should be able to understand that anyone with an illness, whether mental or physical, may not want to talk about it. After all, it is a personal thing.

Reply 57

1013

wiggles

I always have to look behind the shower curtain whenever I enter the bathroom, just to check no ones hiding behind there.
INo matter how hot it is, I can't sleep without a duvet on top of me.

I have these exact wo...I think they must be quite common! The duvet thing is bad in the summer :redface:

Reply 58

Anonymous #14

i used to only be able to sleep completly covered by the duvet, ie with it over my head. I then slowly weaned myself off... I first uncovered only ma head and so forth, it took sleepless and sweaty nights, but i managed. it took me about a year though

Reply 59

~nat~

When I was younger, with hindsight, I used to have a mild form of this in that I had an obsession with the number 3 ... used to do different things 3 times, then 3x3 times, and then 3x3x3 times! Naturally, it was absolutely exhausting, but I managed to wean myself out of my habits.

To the OP - I'm glad you managed to go and see the doctor, and all the best :hugs:

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