Hello TSR. I'm having a particularly angsty day and I need to release some tension on here. Warning, this is long.
Basically,
my life is a complete mess and I'm so fed up.
I lost all my friends last year, it had been coming on awhile and then they finally abandoned me. The reason why, you ask? Because they decided I was too "quiet" and didn't want me hanging around them anymore. I had known most of this group for several years, they knew I was quiet with low confidence and just wanted some people to accept me and include me. But they still did this, they still rejected me and left me on my own, and they're not exactly nasty people either. If that's how they felt, what on earth am I going to do?
I also lost contact with my out-of-school friends a few years ago, because I was feeling really down whenever I was out with them and ended up cutting all contact because I couldn't cope. I tried to contact them last year and the year before a few times and they didn't reply.
So I have nobody. At all.
I'm a complete loner at school. I sit by myself, barely say a word to anyone all day, spend my frees and breaks in the library by myself. It's so humiliating and makes me so upset because I've wasted all my school life. I like school generally, but it's so unbelievably miserable when you've got no one to enjoy it with and mess around with and spend your frees with and to whisper in lessons with.
I have MASSIVE social anxiety, and I actually think I've got "avoidant personality disorder". I really hate labels like that, but I couldn't help noticing I fit most of the description of that.
I'm a complete MUTE. I'm massively introverted and being with people I'm not 100% comfortable with completely drains me. I'm really quiet and don't have anything to say for most of the time. Sometimes I'll just start garbling some random pathetic attempts at conversation just to fill awkward silences with the couple of acquaintances I have.
It's so frustrating because I see a few people around who I KNOW have similar interests to me, but I
can't speak to them! I'm so terribly shy I cannot speak a word, and I just come across as really rude because I can't even say hi to my two acquaintances. It's so sad and I've lost three major potential friends because of this shyness. I'm terrified of rejection. I'm also really antisocial a lot of the time, which obviously does not help one bit, but even when I'm feeling social I can't bear to open my mouth and speak.
I really liked a boy, one of my acquaintances, but I couldn't talk to him. It's such a wasted opportunity as he's quite quiet as well, but I can't get over my awkwardness to talk to him properly. He's absolutely lovely and one of the nicest people I've ever met and really easy to talk to - except I can barely talk to him!!! If I can't do it with him, what hope have ever I got? I can tell he's fed up of me and thinks I'm a complete weirdo like everyone else. I see other people talking to him and see him making friends, while I'm stood by myself watching, crying inside and nearly on the outside as well, because I so desperately wish I was friends with him too.
I stay at home all the time and can't bear going out, I can't bear people looking at me. It's absolutely maddening because as much as I tell myself I
don't care what others think, I still can't do it.
I'm supposed to be going to do a maths degree after sixth form, I got an offer to the University I wanted to go to, but I'm seriously thinking of just pulling out and going on benefits for the rest of my life. I literally can't bear the thought of being around other people. I am NOTHING like them. I can't relate to the VAST majority of people of any age. I'll never be able to get a job because I'm so damn anxious and socially awkward.
I'll never have friends again. I can't get on with anyone. I can't do things that involve other people.Add on to all of that the fact that
I'm really rather ugly as well, and I practically have my sentence for a life of utter misery. Not that my life right now isn't utterly miserable.
I hate being a loser of life. I hate it. I'm scared of the future, of what's going to happen in September.
Oh, and to top it all off, I just came across an article before about my old friend's secondary school, it's the GCSE results page and she's actually listed as one of the five who got all A*s at GCSE.
I feel so pathetic and jealous right now.
She's cleverer than me. Sigh.Now I've just spent nearly an hour typing this out and I've got lots of homework due in tomorrow. I have no energy to do it. No motivation. I just want to lie in bed and shut out the rest of the world.