New job leaves me feeling depressed, guilty and stupid

I found my first graduate role around a month ago. Most people who'll read this will recognise who I am, but I'm going anonymous to avoid this coming up on my search history.

In any case, I think this is now becoming less about the job and more about how I'm feeling on a day-to-day basis. The new job seems to have highlighted a more deep-rooted problem that's been going on for years.

These are some of the feelings I have on a daily basis:



In short, I don't know what to do. I just have this dull feeling of hopelessness about the future and my passion for problem solving that I used to have during my degree is simply gone. I felt comfortable when doing my degree and therefore sought further challenges and more opportunities, but it took me a long time to establish my comfort zone before I could begin to start expanding it. In my new job, it feels like time is constantly ticking. If I don't understand something by a certain point, I'll be fired. If I don't start talking to other departments and making myself known ASAP, I'll be fired.

It all starts to get to me, and when I get home I've got two hours of free time before I sleep and start the horrendous cycle again. The worst part is that I should be happy. I should be ecstatic that I got a great job in a crap climate, and I shouldn't feel inferior to other people because of where they got their degree.

Nonetheless, I feel like I just fluked my way here. I feel like I just got lucky with my interviewers, like I had just practised for my numerical test and fluked those, fluked my excel test, fluked the verbal reasoning test (or maybe the bloke who looked at them just thought "let's just give him a chance"), and now that I'm working among my interviewers I feel like I'm showing them that they've made the wrong choice every single day. It feels like they both look at me thinking, "Well, we've cocked this up. Let's just wait 5 more months until his probation ends so we can just sack him and get someone new."

All in all, I just don't know what to do. Maybe I should think about therapy, because my low confidence and self-esteem levels are probably the driving force behind all of this.

I started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy this week and my therapist recommended 'Overcoming Low Self-Esteem' by Dr Melanie Fennell which is one of the recommended books on the NHS books on prescription service.

I've ordered the book but I haven't read it yet as it has not been delivered. It has great reviews on Amazon though and if the NHS and my therapist endorses it then it must be useful.

It's always difficult starting a new job as not only do you have to get to grips with the technical aspects of the job, you also need to adapt to the firm's culture and values. Do you tell your manager that you don't understand what he is telling you? do you have any colleagues you can confide in? I always ask my colleagues if I'm ever unsure of something in work and vice versa.

I do tell my manager, but often it's simply because I just don't understand it when I hear it from him. Usually, if I pluck up the courage to tell him I don't understand, he'll look at me with a puzzled expression. I feel like he thought I was way more clever than I actually was, and that's why he gave me the job.

One of my colleagues sees it from my point of view, but he's doing a different job role. This is almost like the entry post - I'm learning the basics and I feel like I'm not learning fast enough to keep the job. I'm progressing at a snail's pace, and I just feel tired and lost as to how to cope with it all.

People have different learning and communication styles. This is a stab in the dark but from reading your posts I'm guessing you are more of a kinesthetic person as you talk about your feelings a lot so if for example your boss is more of an auditory or visual person, there will be some confusion.

What is your job?

You sound like you have got so low it has started impairing your ability to think clearly. Have you had a general 'how things are going' chat with your manager yet? Would you feel able to explain any of this them? (that you are struggling - not the other parts). I think you either need to get some general help with improving your mood and reducing your anxiety, or ask for some help from them.

Those tests you talk about are meant to measure raw IQ - so you probably are intelligent enough. Like the other poster said, it is probably about learning style. Would you learn better if you could see it written down?

If you a bright person and were considered bright at university, there is every possibility he is just a rubbish manager and does not explain things well. Not making eye contact when a junior member of staff asks a question isn't impressive, especially when he knows you are struggling.

This is your career we are talking about and he does have some obligation to be at least a little supportive to you.

Why do you think you didn't understand when he explained the error you had made? Did he not explain well?

Are you stuck with him as a manager now or do you rotate?

I forgot to say - I also really think you need to consider getting help because of how you are feeling. Do you think you should do something now, before your manager looses faith in your ability to do the job? If you seek help now, you should still have time to make an improvement within your probation period. PM me if you want

You really need to take action and do something positive for yourself. Get your mindset straight, be straight with your manager and tell them what's going on.

I actually had exactly the same problems, I left that job a while ago because I was going through a ****ty patch in my life when I lost my dad. I couldn't keep up at all, I was always making similar mistakes and I ended up ****ing up a lot of stuff. This was also in finance, Lol. If it was me now, I really think I would have succeeded. Do not give up, keep working your ass off and try to take as many notes as possible. Ask many questions, even if they get pissed off at you.