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Liking someone else while in a relationship... Watch

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    So I'm in a fairly long-term relationship (for an 18 year old) at 1.5 years. Lately I'll admit that even way before meeting this person I've been having doubts about how much longer it'll last, for various reason tbh, things he's done in the past that at the time I overlooked, the way he acts and I guess also the fact that I've changed as a person too.

    But anyway, a new guy started at where I work recently and well I'm not sure what to label it, but I really like him. He's really nice to me too, but as far as I can see he is to everyone so it's not like he returns the feelings in any way but I just can't seem to stop thinking about him - I feel guilty and horrible and don't know whether this has happened because of my 'fading' feelings about my current relationship or whether it's making them worse.

    I'm not sure what to do really. Has anyone experienced anything like this? Disillusionment with relationship, liking somebody else unexpectedly, etc? Obviously I'm not looking to pursue this new guy but ugh I'd love to forget about him. Of course I'd never cheat regardless of how I felt about my bf because it's just wrong in so many ways but I still can't help feeling horrible because it's not like a little crush, I really like him as a person and can't stop thinking about it all
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    Honestly, it sounds like you just don't want to be in your current relationship. Maybe put some time apart to truly think about what it is that you want - are you seriously committed to the relationship now? You say that you doubt it'll last much longer, so that could just be that you know it's time to end it. If you know wholeheartedly that you don't want to be with your boyfriend then I suggest ending it. It's better to do that now rather than two years down the line when he finds out you've cheated (or vice versa, of course). Then again, having doubts and this crush on the new guy could just simply be because of insecurities or slight boredom. Either way, think about it, talk to your boyfriend, and hopefully everything sorts itself out.
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    Just get together with this new guy. You can't fight nature.
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    This happened to me literally about a month ago, I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend because it isn't fair on him, in my opinion liking somebody else is emotionally cheating, and now me and the new guy are seeing each other. Best of luck!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This happened to me literally about a month ago, I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend because it isn't fair on him, in my opinion liking somebody else is emotionally cheating, and now me and the new guy are seeing each other. Best of luck!
    Yeah I agree to be honest, I know that a few weeks/months ago when I still really liked him, if my bf felt like this about someone I'd be devastated :sad: I feel so harsh, because me liking someone else this strongly just shows that I'm not really emotionally invested in my current bf any more.

    (Original post by amison)
    Honestly, it sounds like you just don't want to be in your current relationship. Maybe put some time apart to truly think about what it is that you want - are you seriously committed to the relationship now? You say that you doubt it'll last much longer, so that could just be that you know it's time to end it. If you know wholeheartedly that you don't want to be with your boyfriend then I suggest ending it. It's better to do that now rather than two years down the line when he finds out you've cheated (or vice versa, of course). Then again, having doubts and this crush on the new guy could just simply be because of insecurities or slight boredom. Either way, think about it, talk to your boyfriend, and hopefully everything sorts itself out.
    I think that's a good idea, just to have space from being a 'couple' and time to be alone without anyone else to tend to would be amazing. Really scared however of how my boyfriend would react to me suggesting this, I don't think he'd take it well at all especially as he's been a lot needier than usual lately. I've felt this dread about it all for a while now but I'm just a bit scared to actually do it... scared of his reaction and regretting it afterwards mostly. Thank you though
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    Make sure you're not just seeing the best in this new guy because of the issues going on with your boyfriend. You need to take a step back and think to yourself, are you going to throw away your year and a half relationship for a crush that may or may not be interested, and my or may not actually be a really great person after first impressions.

    Of course, if you start wanting to act on your feelings for this new guy then it's probably time to end it with your guy. Don't drag him along if you're interested in someone else, I'm sure you'd hate for him to do the same.

    Good luck x
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    (Original post by Quilt)
    Make sure you're not just seeing the best in this new guy because of the issues going on with your boyfriend. You need to take a step back and think to yourself, are you going to throw away your year and a half relationship for a crush that may or may not be interested, and my or may not actually be a really great person after first impressions.

    Of course, if you start wanting to act on your feelings for this new guy then it's probably time to end it with your guy. Don't drag him along if you're interested in someone else, I'm sure you'd hate for him to do the same.

    Good luck x
    That is what I'm worried about, pinning any hope on getting with the new guy cos it's not likely to happen! But I know either way that I do want to be alone and single for a while, and the fact that I felt this way before meeting the guy too I'm just quite conflicted atm, don't want to make a mistake breaking up but then again I'm obviously not happy with this relationship... it just makes me sad that my boyfriend's changed, he used to be so different to the way he is now. I wish I could go back to when we were really happy together.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That is what I'm worried about, pinning any hope on getting with the new guy cos it's not likely to happen! But I know either way that I do want to be alone and single for a while, and the fact that I felt this way before meeting the guy too I'm just quite conflicted atm, don't want to make a mistake breaking up but then again I'm obviously not happy with this relationship... it just makes me sad that my boyfriend's changed, he used to be so different to the way he is now. I wish I could go back to when we were really happy together.
    I think you should focus on just being friends with this guy until your sort things out with your boyfriend. It may be tempting but you can't have them both! It's always a worry to people that breakups will be a mistake, but you have to put it into perspective - are you going to be happy in the long run with somebody you're already having doubts about?

    People do change, and it's very difficult to adapt yourself to them when they do, and sometimes you just can't. Sit him down and talk to him about how you feel, see if he has any similar feelings, and sort out what you're going to do next. Make sure you're happy whatever you decide.
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    (Original post by Quilt)
    I think you should focus on just being friends with this guy until your sort things out with your boyfriend. It may be tempting but you can't have them both! It's always a worry to people that breakups will be a mistake, but you have to put it into perspective - are you going to be happy in the long run with somebody you're already having doubts about?

    People do change, and it's very difficult to adapt yourself to them when they do, and sometimes you just can't. Sit him down and talk to him about how you feel, see if he has any similar feelings, and sort out what you're going to do next. Make sure you're happy whatever you decide.
    That's what I keep thinking, that if it's this bad now then am I really going to feel any differently in a week, a month's time? I feel so bad though, he clearly wants to continue the relationship... but I think the best thing for us to do is go on a 'break' so I can see how I feel and see whether I'm any happier, but that's so selfish of me to basically ask if we can temporarily break up maybe forever. I want to do right by him as well as make myself happy but it's so hard
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    Personally if you feel like this, I really think you should break up with your boyfriend, it is not fair if you are not into him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's what I keep thinking, that if it's this bad now then am I really going to feel any differently in a week, a month's time? I feel so bad though, he clearly wants to continue the relationship... but I think the best thing for us to do is go on a 'break' so I can see how I feel and see whether I'm any happier, but that's so selfish of me to basically ask if we can temporarily break up maybe forever. I want to do right by him as well as make myself happy but it's so hard
    When myself and my ex were arguing a lot we took a break, and it opened my eyes so how much happier I was without him. It could work either way for you, but in the long run could help you see how you are both with and without him. Although, be prepared for your boyfriend to take you wanting a break the wrong way, it's a lot to ask in a relationship.
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    (Original post by Quilt)
    When myself and my ex were arguing a lot we took a break, and it opened my eyes so how much happier I was without him. It could work either way for you, but in the long run could help you see how you are both with and without him. Although, be prepared for your boyfriend to take you wanting a break the wrong way, it's a lot to ask in a relationship.
    Yeah exactly, can't know how he'll react really. I know if it was me then I'd try to understand but I'd still be angry and stuff. Thank you so much though, you've helped a lot!

    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    Personally if you feel like this, I really think you should break up with your boyfriend, it is not fair if you are not into him.
    I know, I feel horrible and really guilty I know I'd rather be alone than with a partner like me right now. I'm just scared of how he'll react.
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    It's perfectly normal you just have to suppress it. This is what marriage is like. That's a little cynical, but not necessarily an indictment: in fact it is love if you suppress these feelings in favour of the person you truly love.

    Of course you fancy the new boy, he's exciting because you don't know him yet. Chances he'll be better than your boyfriend: low.

    We're British for heaven's sake, we shut up, get on with it and pretend it never happened.
    • #3
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    (Original post by Quilt)
    When myself and my ex were arguing a lot we took a break, and it opened my eyes so how much happier I was without him. It could work either way for you, but in the long run could help you see how you are both with and without him. Although, be prepared for your boyfriend to take you wanting a break the wrong way, it's a lot to ask in a relationship.
    My boyfriend and I recently took a week apart (it wasn't labelled 'break', however...) - we had been fighting a lot and had a long-standing issue that was going nowhere, and resurfacing. Around the same time, I had hardly seen my boyfriend (because he was travelling for work a lot) while I saw this new guy a lot, and started to develop feelings for him.

    When my bf and I met up again, we still weren't sure what to do because we knew we couldn't continue being unhappy - but decided to give it a try. For a couple of weeks after, things were still tense. But more recently, things have been really happy again - we started dating again, and just having lots of fun - it's been exactly what we needed! But while keeping in mind what we need to do differently and making an effort with each other - not taking one another for granted.

    I think you need to think: what did you first love about your boyfriend? Do you think if you didn't have feelings for this other guy, you might have a chance to rekindle the spark with your boyfriend. I've realised that in the past I would've been more likely to just give up on a relationship, and move on to a new guy - but I don't think people you 'love' should be that easily expendable. I also think when you are in love with a person you have to make a concentrated effort not to fall for someone else - don't get me wrong, I think there is a good chance, I could fall for this other guy - there will be more than one guy out there I could be with - but for now, I choose to be happy with this one and make the relationship work.
    • #4
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    You know if you truly loved your boyfriend you wouldn't have fallen in love with this new guy.....
    you mentioned that your bf has changed...well remind him of those things that he used to do.....let him know that he has changed now and he'll probably explain why. What is it about this new guy that u like? His looks? His personality?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You know if you truly loved your boyfriend you wouldn't have fallen in love with this new guy.....
    you mentioned that your bf has changed...well remind him of those things that he used to do.....let him know that he has changed now and he'll probably explain why. What is it about this new guy that u like? His looks? His personality?
    Lol I haven't fallen in love with anyone, I just like him. Most likely an unrequited like at that! And it's mainly his personality, he's just really nice and funny.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My boyfriend and I recently took a week apart (it wasn't labelled 'break', however...) - we had been fighting a lot and had a long-standing issue that was going nowhere, and resurfacing. Around the same time, I had hardly seen my boyfriend (because he was travelling for work a lot) while I saw this new guy a lot, and started to develop feelings for him.

    When my bf and I met up again, we still weren't sure what to do because we knew we couldn't continue being unhappy - but decided to give it a try. For a couple of weeks after, things were still tense. But more recently, things have been really happy again - we started dating again, and just having lots of fun - it's been exactly what we needed! But while keeping in mind what we need to do differently and making an effort with each other - not taking one another for granted.

    I think you need to think: what did you first love about your boyfriend? Do you think if you didn't have feelings for this other guy, you might have a chance to rekindle the spark with your boyfriend. I've realised that in the past I would've been more likely to just give up on a relationship, and move on to a new guy - but I don't think people you 'love' should be that easily expendable. I also think when you are in love with a person you have to make a concentrated effort not to fall for someone else - don't get me wrong, I think there is a good chance, I could fall for this other guy - there will be more than one guy out there I could be with - but for now, I choose to be happy with this one and make the relationship work.
    That's the thing tbh, I remember before for a good year or so I just had no feelings for anyone else whatsoever whereas usually when I'm not in a relationship I find myself liking pretty much anyone and it feels like that sort of part of me is returning? Don't get me wrong, it is only one guy that I like, but I've been thinking of other people in that way too for a while whereas I never even felt a slight attraction before. agh.

    I really admire what you've done it can't be easy, because I know a huge part of me just wants to sign this relationship off and get on with my life. I'm tired of it all and tired of the fact that he's obviously changed and so have I :/ but then at the same time, what you say about remembering what I loved about him makes it even harder to let go, I've been overlooking the lovely times and I feel bad because they have been lovely. I definitely think that if I hadn't met this new guy then I'd be much more inclined to stay trying with my bf. It's so confusing and I feel so mean. I know it's awful but I just want to be single for now and I do admit I would like to get to know the other guy better and if I were single I'd definitely be 'trying' to date him (or whatever you'd call it). So confusing! And I don't want to make the wrong decision. but obviously I've got to take a chance at some point.
 
 
 
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