Join TSR now for chat about life, relationships, fashion and more…Sign up now

Feeling no real sparks in my relationship Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I've been with my boyfriend for about a year, we were friends first and he was really into me and kept asking me out. I eventually said yes to give it a go and I do love being with him and would hate to break up with him (plus it would devastate him)

    But I've just never felt the sparks flying when we kiss or anything, and as this is my first boyfriend, I thought it might be 'normal' to not get butterflies when you kiss etc like they seem to in the movies, but I really feel nothing except for a bit of tongue sometimes. It's not hugely unpleasant, but not pleasant either. But some people kiss randoms in clubs, seemingly for enjoyment...so maybe he's just not a good kisser?! He seems to like me kissing him!

    Anyway I just want to know, if you are REALLY into the person, does it feel amazing to kiss them etc? We don't have sex often, but when we do, it's nice (nicer than kissing) but I don't feel hugely attracted to him physically so that 'spark' people speak of is definitely missing. I love him as a person, but maybe we should never have moved from being friends? I don't know. I've now resorted to googling "what does a good kiss feel like" lol....help!!
    • Welcome Squad
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    I've only ever felt a "spark" when kissing a couple of times through a four year relationship with my ex. Butterflies and **** don't really happen to most people, particularly once you're comfortable in a relationship. That's quite normal.

    However, if you're not feeling any real attraction, it might not be the best idea to blindly continue. Just kissing because it's nice, not because of any fireworks, is normal, but not feeling any physical attraction isn't a good indicator.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by ChocoCoatedLemons)
    I've only ever felt a "spark" when kissing a couple of times through a four year relationship with my ex. Butterflies and **** don't really happen to most people, particularly once you're comfortable in a relationship. That's quite normal.

    However, if you're not feeling any real attraction, it might not be the best idea to blindly continue. Just kissing because it's nice, not because of any fireworks, is normal, but not feeling any physical attraction isn't a good indicator.
    The kind of body I find attractive are like the male Abercrombie models...but I'm aware I would never be in a position to be with someone like that lol!

    I don't find him unattractive, just not hugely attractive in the Abercrombie sense (just like I don't have DD boobs!) but I suppose I'm wondering if most people would get more 'aroused' if there partner had these things, but if its normal to be with someone without feeling something like 'I WANNA RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF!'...or should I feel that way?!
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by ChocoCoatedLemons)
    I've only ever felt a "spark" when kissing a couple of times through a four year relationship with my ex. Butterflies and **** don't really happen to most people, particularly once you're comfortable in a relationship. That's quite normal.

    However, if you're not feeling any real attraction, it might not be the best idea to blindly continue. Just kissing because it's nice, not because of any fireworks, is normal, but not feeling any physical attraction isn't a good indicator.
    Also thanks for the spark info thing, that makes me feel better people online all seem to be saying that kissing is the best thing ever but they're probably 12 year olds who have never kissed yet or something
    • Welcome Squad
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The kind of body I find attractive are like the male Abercrombie models...but I'm aware I would never be in a position to be with someone like that lol!

    I don't find him unattractive, just not hugely attractive in the Abercrombie sense (just like I don't have DD boobs!) but I suppose I'm wondering if most people would get more 'aroused' if there partner had these things, but if its normal to be with someone without feeling something like 'I WANNA RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF!'...or should I feel that way?!
    DD boobs are over-rated XD Believe me.

    I think once you're in a relationship, it's more that you're attracted to them not just for their body but for who they are. It wouldn't be normal to always feel like clothes-ripping-passion was necessary Every once in a while, sure, maybe, but not all the time.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Also thanks for the spark info thing, that makes me feel better people online all seem to be saying that kissing is the best thing ever but they're probably 12 year olds who have never kissed yet or something
    That's fine I mean, sure, you feel something - it's nice and whatever, but nah, no huge fireworks unless you're like. A ten year old convinced they're in love.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The kind of body I find attractive are like the male Abercrombie models...but I'm aware I would never be in a position to be with someone like that lol!

    I don't find him unattractive, just not hugely attractive in the Abercrombie sense (just like I don't have DD boobs!) but I suppose I'm wondering if most people would get more 'aroused' if there partner had these things, but if its normal to be with someone without feeling something like 'I WANNA RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF!'...or should I feel that way?!
    My boyfriend's not my type and I wouldn't say I found him attractive to begin with (but not unattractive either). It's probably a part of the reason we took so long to get together, but now, despite not essentially finding him attractive initially, our relationship has made it so that I do, I guess? And I definitely get the "I wanna rip your clothes off" feeling, despite not actually liking what was underneath to begin with.

    So I think really what you have to ask yourself is if you've ever really had sexual desire for your partner? It's normal for that to subside a little, but if you don't feel desire for them, regardless of whether they look like the guys you're attracted to, there's likely to be some trouble down the line, especially if they find all of this out.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    The feeling butterflies is really an initial feeling and sometimes on special occasions. If you were to feel it constantly throughout the relationship it would really lose it's spirit.

    If you're happy being with him and don't want to break up then that's reason enough for me. Ultimately finding someone you enjoy spending time with and like being physical/emotionally bonded with is what a relationship is about.
    You wont love him everyday of the relationship and there will be time the attraction dies down a bit but that's what the ups and downs of a relationship are all about. The best/strongest relationships aren't the ones that don't have downs but the ones that have the strength to face the downs and come out the other end still together- nothing is perfect in this world.
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    I've never really thought about it, but I wouldn't say kissing is something that feels amazing, it's more an urge I get, it feels pleasant but not amazing. It's hugging/cuddling that can give that special feeling of connection.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    A kiss isn't some magical act of congress, same with sex. It depends on what emotions you're feeling when you do it. If you're both in a hurry with other things on your mind you're not going to get much out of it, if you're more relaxed, doing it over a candlelit dinner or anything ritualistic like that it's going to be a lot better.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Love is a temporary madness,
    it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
    And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
    You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together
    that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
    Because this is what love is.
    Love is not breathlessness,
    it is not excitement,
    it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.
    That is just being "in love" which any fool can do.
    Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
    and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
    Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground,
    and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches,
    they find that they are one tree and not two.
    -Bernières

    I can agree wholly with this
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    It really sounds from your post like your heart is not in the relationship. One of your reasons for staying with him is that you think he would be devastated if you broke up. That's never a reason to stay with someone. I'm sure he would be very upset if you broke up, but he would get over it. It is more damaging to stay with someone when you don't feel that way about them than it is to break up with them. Face it, he's hardly the love of your life. This relationship is going to end at some point. Do it now before he gets more attached. If you leave it for a long time, think how crushed he would feel to find out that you were having significant doubts about the relationship for months or maybe even years. I get the sense from your post that you felt a duty to get into this relationship because he was - and is - very into you. It's an easy mistake to make when you're young, but for future reference, relationships only work when the people involved feel a similar amount for each other. A lot of people here will tell you that getting 'butterflies' is not what love is about, and that's true, but in a healthy relationship the sexual element is still very much present once the honeymoon period is over, and frankly, I'd argue that after just one year there should still be that excitement there. Maybe not as intensely as it is in the first few months, but there nonetheless.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: March 12, 2013
Poll
If you won £30,000, which of these would you spend it on?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Quick reply
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.