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    Hello. I'm 19 and currently in my first year at Uni. Basically I'm seeing some one who's 20 years older. He doesn't look that much older and definitely doesn't act it. We never meant to fall in love we just enjoyed each others company so much and now were in a happy relationship and have been for nearly 3 years. Do you think it's really wrong? My parents do! They banned me from seeing him when they found out they took away my phone, my laptop and even my car so there was no way of me contacting him and it was heart breaking! We finally got back in contact but this happened 3 times, my dad stopped speaking to me for 3 months and my sister wouldn't even look at me. My boyfriend makes me so happy, he's older so alot more mature, sometimes I think they would prefer me to be messed around/ sleeping around and getting hurt by guys my own age just because what I'm doing isn't the 'norm'. My boyfriend has moved away to Uni with me so we get to see each other all the time which is great but I hate betraying my family as we are all so close and I love them to bits. They would be distraught if they found out again. So what do I do? I couldn't choose between him and my family and that's what my family will make me do if they ever find out. I know a few other people who are seeing guys a lot older but they come from different background and there family seem to approve. What do I do about this?!


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    help
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    So he was 36 when you were 16? I can see why your family were concerned, especially if they haven't got to know him (and to be honest, I can see why as parents, they didn't want to, they just wanted to protect you, from what essentially they probably felt was an older man preying on a child). Still at 19 and 39 they may see this the time way, but there's a chance that when you're older the age gap wont be seen as as much of an issue. When they finally see you as an actual adult they're more likely to accept it. If you think, your boyfriend is probably closer to your parents ages than your own. They were right to be concerned, but you just have to talk to them and try to communicate what you want to them in a mature way, so that they respect your decisions.
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    Thanks for your reply. My mum knew him quite well as he was a friend and they used to get on really well. Yes it sounds really bad when you put it like that but nothing intimate happened until I was 17 going on 18. I feel so bad on both behalfs, my boyfriend quit his job and had to leave the area as my dad was threatening him. Do you see it as being wrong? I don't know how it appears to people when they see us out together..


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    I have a friend in your situation. She's got a boyfriend much older. In fact he has kids our age which is a bit weird. When they first started dating she came to me and another friend for our thoughts and advice. I said if she's happy and he makes her happy then stay with him. I also asked how she saw their future together. Like when he starts getting old and needs help to do things will she want to be doing that? I didn't like the idea and tbh I still don't. I dont know if its because i havent met him yet and I have bad thoughts. Sometimes I think about it all and worry for her. Worry he might screw her over after all the hassle with her parents. I asked her if he was worth all this trouble. I don't think she liked anything me and my friend had to say to her about because she is still with him The fact he has kids our age makes it worse. But if she's happy then I'm happy for her and she is happy with him. Has been for a couple of years


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    The fact that he was your mum's friend has probably made it worse for her, just remember in them disapproving, all they are doing is trying to protect you, so whatever you do don't get angry at them.
    A good friend of mine is 19 and with a 32 year old and her parents didn't approve at first, but they grew to. It may have helped that she was 18 when they met. It's only two years, but in maturity, 16 and 18 make a big difference.
    Right now, I don't see at as wrong. But when you were 16? Yeah I would have done. The fact that your relationship started then wont have helped their opinion on it all. You have to remember that most people are in completely differences spaces in their life when there is an age gap this big, especially, when you are really, still a teenager. He's been out of his teenage years for about as long as you've been born and has more life experience. Yes, he may not act mature, a lot of people don't, but life experience does lead to maturity.
    The majority of people you meet are going to frown upon your relationship, I would say for at least the next 4-5 years. And then they will inevitably start to think "what's she doing with an old guy?". Really, you just have to try and win your family over, and that will take time, just remember to be mature about it!
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    Yes I guess your right. I never got angry at them I just got so upset about it. And being 16 really didn't help did it. It does comfort me that other people have gone thought he same kind of situation but when I'm 30 he will be 50 and that seems oldd! I hate people judging, I'm always worried about what people are thinking. I really want to tell them so there's no more secrecy and so I can go on holidays with him and just be open about everything I do. I miss telling my mum about all the exciting things I'm getting up to, I think they thought I was gay at one point for them thinking I didn't have a boyfriend. Would you advise I told them In another few years time?


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    Thanks livay.. Wow that must be hard, I definitely wouldn't have been able to stay with him if he had kids.. And our age too! Do her parents approve? Did she ever get upset or down about it? I bet she was glad to have supportive friends like you, I had one close friend who supported me but I only told her around a year later so I went through a lot of bad times on my own, now my parents don't like her as she supported me..


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    (Original post by That.Girl)
    Yes I guess your right. I never got angry at them I just got so upset about it. And being 16 really didn't help did it. It does comfort me that other people have gone thought he same kind of situation but when I'm 30 he will be 50 and that seems oldd! I hate people judging, I'm always worried about what people are thinking. I really want to tell them so there's no more secrecy and so I can go on holidays with him and just be open about everything I do. I miss telling my mum about all the exciting things I'm getting up to, I think they thought I was gay at one point for them thinking I didn't have a boyfriend. Would you advise I told them In another few years time?


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    Telling them in a few years wouldn't be a good idea, as they would just be upset that you had lied to them for such a long time. I think you really do need to tell them, but remind them that you are an adult now and not a child, make it clear that he's not taking advantage of you or forcing you into the relationship. If necessary, tell them why you're with him and why he's good for you. You mentioned that you feel like they would prefer it if you were being used by guys your own age. Mention this to them, and try to bring them round to the idea that you're in a happy and stable relationship and that there's not anything wrong with it. It will take time, but hopefully they will come around.
    I know what you mean about people judging, but you really have to stop worrying about people that don't mean anything to you. If you feel like your friends are judging, ask them about it and explain to them why they're wrong, if it's your family, do the same thing. But if strangers are judging, really, just don't worry, because they don't mean anything and have no input on your relationship, they don't know it, they don't know either of you and their reasons for being nosy and judgmental likely have nothing to do with the concern of your well-being.
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    Thank you that's really helped me out. I will definitely feel a lot better for being honest what ever the outcome. And I will let the judgers judge. Thanks again.


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    (Original post by That.Girl)
    Thanks livay.. Wow that must be hard, I definitely wouldn't have been able to stay with him if he had kids.. And our age too! Do her parents approve? Did she ever get upset or down about it? I bet she was glad to have supportive friends like you, I had one close friend who supported me but I only told her around a year later so I went through a lot of bad times on my own, now my parents don't like her as she supported me..


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    Her parents didnt approve at first. Her sisters kept calling her selfish etc for putting her family through it all. She told her sisters and mom first and her dad a while after. She was scared of telling her dad. Especially after the reaction of her sisters and mom. They have calmed down now and have met him. My friend goes and stays with him quite a lot as she is at uni.

    I think you need to just grit your teeth and wait for your partners to calm down about it. They can't do anything while your at uni. Especially been so close to him. Maybe sit down with your parents and him and talk it all out together. Instead of keeping them
    In the dark about it all. If your going to be serious with him they need to know


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    Sounds exactly like my two sisters. I thought about telling my mum first before anyone else, I know she'd be upset but I think she'd understand more than anyone. I really want to do the right thing and tell them, it's going to be so hard. Thanks for your advice I really appreciate it.


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    I agree with your parents (though they have handled it poorly by the sounds of it). At 40 this guy is an adult, he's matured and had life experiences that you just can't relate to. With you being so young, it's currently just a bit weird and a bit nefarious. He should be hanging out with other adults his own age, not teenagers. Makes me shudder. I can see why you family are so upset and worried for you. They should take some consolation in the fact that most relationships don't last. I just hope you don't waste too much of your youth on this chap.

    Probably not what you wanted to read.
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    I can tell you that your parents are right. He's in this for his own benefit I feel like crying! Don't do this honestly you'll be so much better off I can promise you that.


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    (Original post by jeery83)
    I agree with your parents (though they have handled it poorly by the sounds of it). At 40 this guy is an adult, he's matured and had life experiences that you just can't relate to. With you being so young, it's currently just a bit weird and a bit nefarious. He should be hanging out with other adults his own age, not teenagers. Makes me shudder. I can see why you family are so upset and worried for you. They should take some consolation in the fact that most relationships don't last. I just hope you don't waste too much of your youth on this chap.

    Probably not what you wanted to read.
    I agree - I am 30 and my girlfriend is 21; in all honesty it's not really working because of this. I am definitely not a mature 30 year old either, I just have a different mindset.

    I have been out with girls younger than me before, actually it's something I do purposely because I'm not ready to slow down yet - but 20 years would be much to big a gap for me, 10 years is literally the limit.

    The point jeery has made about your youth is the most significant - you should aim to enjoy your youth for as long as possible!!
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    I understand your points, I really don't have a youth. I'm not enjoying Uni the way I should, I never go out and i hate it but I'd do anything for him. I don't know how I'd end it with him, he's my life now


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    (Original post by That.Girl)
    I understand your points, I really don't have a youth. I'm not enjoying Uni the way I should, I never go out and i hate it but I'd do anything for him. I don't know how I'd end it with him, he's my life now


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    Okay, I'm sure a lot of people will jump in now. That resonse doesn't strike me as a healthy one. It is NEVER good for a partner to be your life.

    I'll be honest, I have turned into something of a recluse myself and it's a hard habit to break.

    it sounds like you need some time to discover yourself...
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    It's definitely not healthy, I'm so insecure and worry about him all the time. But I can't see my future without him and I kind of thought that I will just have to put up being this way for rest of my life.


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    (Original post by That.Girl)
    I understand your points, I really don't have a youth. I'm not enjoying Uni the way I should, I never go out and i hate it but I'd do anything for him. I don't know how I'd end it with him, he's my life now


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    To a 37 year old, a 17 year old is basically a kid, that's what is so ****ed up about this.

    Obviously we can't be sure about this guy, but I wouldn't trust him. If someone of that age gets attracted to someone so young, they should just break of contact.

    Obviously this relationship hasn't made you happy, but you do feel like you can't leave him. I think your parents were right.

    Why do you never go out?
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    (Original post by That.Girl)
    I understand your points, I really don't have a youth. I'm not enjoying Uni the way I should, I never go out and i hate it but I'd do anything for him. I don't know how I'd end it with him, he's my life now


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    Ok. This is much more worrying than the age gap. Even if he was your age, there is no reason why you should be saying these things.

    Go out, enjoy yourself. Meet people from your university, you life should not revolve around him.

    Maybe, this is why your parents were concerned. Not just because he's 30 years older. But maybe, because he's stopping you (not consciously, perhaps) from living your own life, having that youth etc.
 
 
 
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