Join TSR now for chat about life, relationships, fashion and more…Sign up now

Do boys generally behave this way? Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Why is it that, whenever my boyfriend is upset over something, he distances himself from me while this is the exact opposite of what I do?

    I can't bear that. I feel that he punishes me every time, as if I was somewhere guilty for feeling this way. I am his best friend. Generally he shares everything with me, except the bad.

    For me, in a good relationship, the communication should be a good flow. But his behaviour makes me feel he doesn't trust me, that I can't be a good source of comfort for him when he's troubled. It makes me feel so inadequate. I want to be there with him, I find ways to approach him whenever he's sad, but he only goes further away from me.

    I've confronted him about it many times. He apologizes, but then gets on with that old behaviour again.

    What can I do more? Is it normal for you guys to behave this way?
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    He seems like he sulks over everything he disagrees with? Depends on what it is he is angry about. If it's something small and petty then I understand how you feel. If its something serious then he needs time and space to think.

    I don't generally sulk, I prefer talking about it to my other half (who is my ex now), and explaining how I felt about the situation, or what I wasn't happy with made me feel a lot better than keeping it inside, not telling her how I really felt. Or maybe I just wanted to get to the make up sex quicker

    In a relationship communication is vital for it to be thriving, I honestly don't believe that sulking for a while to make your partner feel guilty is part of a healthy relationship.

    My advice would be to talk to him, explain that you don't like him to remain quiet and closed off when he is upset. Tell him that he can tell you exactly how you really feel, rather than bottle it inside because that doesn't help anyone. Try to get him to talk and find the best solution for both.

    I just hope he isn't doing it on purpose to make you feel guilty which will give him control. If that's the case I'd have to have a serious talk with him because that isn't fair but I can't tell if he's doing that or not.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    I used to do that, not wanting to discuss problems and saying "forget it, or don't worry".
    Though now I'm quite the opposite and within a relationship trust does help him warm to you but some people prefer to distance themselves, it's quite common.
    It's not strictly a male thing I know girls who do it too, being avoidant, not wanting to talk about it or just expecting you to guess.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by A_Howells)
    He seems like he sulks over everything he disagrees with? Depends on what it is he is angry about. If it's something small and petty then I understand how you feel. If its something serious then he needs time and space to think.

    I don't generally sulk, I prefer talking about it to my other half (who is my ex now), and explaining how I felt about the situation, or what I wasn't happy with made me feel a lot better than keeping it inside, not telling her how I really felt. Or maybe I just wanted to get to the make up sex quicker

    In a relationship communication is vital for it to be thriving, I honestly don't believe that sulking for a while to make your partner feel guilty is part of a healthy relationship.

    My advice would be to talk to him, explain that you don't like him to remain quiet and closed off when he is upset. Tell him that he can tell you exactly how you really feel, rather than bottle it inside because that doesn't help anyone. Try to get him to talk and find the best solution for both.

    I just hope he isn't doing it on purpose to make you feel guilty which will give him control. If that's the case I'd have to have a serious talk with him because that isn't fair but I can't tell if he's doing that or not.
    Thank you. I so appreciate your advice. And perhaps you're right. It really makes me feel guilty. Literally ruins my day.

    But I've talked to him about it seriously. Many times. He acknowledges it's wrong on his part, but when the situation repeats itself, there is barely any change in his behaviour. What else can I do?

    (Original post by So Instinct)
    I used to do that, not wanting to discuss problems and saying "forget it, or don't worry".
    Though now I'm quite the opposite and within a relationship trust does help him warm to you but some people prefer to distance themselves, it's quite common.
    It's not strictly a male thing I know girls who do it too, being avoidant, not wanting to talk about it or just expecting you to guess.
    Yes, I know some people are like that. But when someone opens up to you and shares everything, wouldn't you reciprocate it?

    I show I trust him. It is fair that I expect trust too...
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes, I know some people are like that. But when someone opens up to you and shares everything, wouldn't you reciprocate it?

    I show I trust him. It is fair that I expect trust too...
    I would, yes. But unfortunately it doesn't always work like that.
    You can try, I opened up more with time and becoming closer with my partner after she exposed herself to me emotionally.
    I actually went from being somewhat distant to extremely open about everything. It took me about a year to open up.
    But with most people that wont be the case, especially so if he has had other partners who he's been the same with.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by So Instinct)
    I would, yes. But unfortunately it doesn't always work like that.
    You can try, I opened up more with time and becoming closer with my partner after she exposed herself to me emotionally.
    I actually went from being somewhat distant to extremely open about everything. It took me about a year to open up.
    But with most people that wont be the case, especially so if he has had other partners who he's been the same with.
    A year...?

    If I tell you for me, it will almost be 3 years?

    He tries sometimes, and I do appreciate it. But at other times, he gets rude, and then apologizes, yes, but it makes me feel ...
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    A year...?

    If I tell you for me, it will almost be 3 years?

    He tries sometimes, and I do appreciate it. But at other times, he gets rude, and then apologizes, yes, but it makes me feel ...
    How old are you guys. He sounds similar to me when I was 16...
    That didn't make sense, are you telling me it took you 3 years to open to him or asking me a question?
    If you're not a distant person it shouldn't take 3 years to open up.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    Maybe he wants to deal with his problems on his own instead of having to rely on his girlfriend for support. He probably wouldn't feel very manly if he had to keep telling his girlfriend about how he's feeling a bit sad and needs emotional support. Some people just don't like to share that sort of thing, they like to deal with their problems in a fundamentally different way. Girls often have a support network they turn to when they're down but most guys I know don't particularly enjoy talking about their emotions, it's just not how it's done. He probably doesn't want to seem like the emotional one of the relationship.

    I wouldn't get annoyed over it if I were you. You've probably grown up used to sharing your problems and your feelings with others but not everyone is like that, especially not in front of their girlfriend.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    Guys don't like sharing stuff which they find maybe embarrassing to tell, which may not be embarrassing (i hope I make sense here?). We like to sort our own problems. I often don't discuss my problems even with my bestfriends, not unless its out of my league or draining me emotionally. One of my really good friends is a girl and she finds it really irritating that I won't tell her my problems, maybe because like you, she shares almost everything with me. So I do understand your position.

    Anyway give your relationship more time. He'll probably start coming to you soon.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Why is it that, whenever my boyfriend is upset over something, he distances himself from me while this is the exact opposite of what I do?

    I can't bear that. I feel that he punishes me every time, as if I was somewhere guilty for feeling this way. I am his best friend. Generally he shares everything with me, except the bad.

    For me, in a good relationship, the communication should be a good flow. But his behaviour makes me feel he doesn't trust me, that I can't be a good source of comfort for him when he's troubled. It makes me feel so inadequate. I want to be there with him, I find ways to approach him whenever he's sad, but he only goes further away from me.

    I've confronted him about it many times. He apologizes, but then gets on with that old behaviour again.

    What can I do more? Is it normal for you guys to behave this way?
    May be whenever he is angry he does something regreatable
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Study him,try n know his likes and dislikes it will help u knw how to tackle his problems and prescribe solutions to him thats why he is your partener
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you. I so appreciate your advice. And perhaps you're right. It really makes me feel guilty. Literally ruins my day.

    But I've talked to him about it seriously. Many times. He acknowledges it's wrong on his part, but when the situation repeats itself, there is barely any change in his behaviour. What else can I do?



    Yes, I know some people are like that. But when someone opens up to you and shares everything, wouldn't you reciprocate it?

    I show I trust him. It is fair that I expect trust too...
    Just because you trust someone it does not mean they must trust you that is illogical, how someone deals with problems in life is up to them by nagging him like so do you think you will gain his trust or just become another problem? Instead of thinking how bad it makes you feel focus on being compassionate to his problems that will make you a better person for him to confide in, you will not get someone to share their life with you through pressure. I hope this advice helps, you obviously care but I don't think you're going about it the right way, you must invite people to share not require it.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    Its hard to comment as we dont know what the disagreements are about but I think distencing yourself for a few days can be a good thing.

    You forget what you were arguing about/see it as silly after this time, and then you go back to how you were before. Discussing it again and again like girls often want to do just agrivates the situation.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by GottaLovePhysics! :))
    Its hard to comment as we dont know what the disagreements are about but I think distencing yourself for a few days can be a good thing.
    This. This definitely helps the situation imo, allows him to actually think about what he wants to say to you. The two days not speaking gives him time for thought/reflection because if he responded straight away to your constant questions then his answers might be defensive/regretful which might lead to an argument.
    • #2
    #2

    Sounds like the exact way me girlfriend behaves tbh, so I don't think it's so much a gender thing.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    Give him the space if he wants it. People deal with being upset differently to each other.
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    I normally do the same when I'm upset about something, I like to be alone and not talk about it. Yeah, it annoys my girlfriend, but I'll talk eventually, just have to give me some time. Shouldn't I be allowed to deal with problems and stress my own way?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    It's a guy thing. I do the exact same; I don't even share it with my parents or my best mates. I like to stay in solitude, think deep and reflect on it.

    He probably is used to your presence(just like his family) that it's not worth sharing it with you or your attention.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    This is purely from my opinion as an introvert and an INTP (basically the NT type based on MBTI), so it may or may not apply to your situation.

    Being an introvert, I need a lot of personal space (that means not talking to people) in order to recharge and relax. This is the complete opposite for extroverts who need to talk to people.

    When I'm upset or unhappy, my natural response is always to retreat into solitude, as this relaxes me. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk about it, I just don't want to talk about it immediately as talking to people uses energy for an introvert, and I'm already using my energy to deal with stress. This is compounded by the fact that I"m an INTP, which means I spend a lot of time self reflecting, so it means not talking to people.

    It's natural for people to want to talk more when I back off, and this actually stresses me out. My last relationship ended as I didn't get enough 'me' time despite me explaining this. I was constantly pushed to be upfront with my emotions, explain things, talk things through all the time, which eventually stressed me out.

    In short, for an introvert and an INTP, what we need is a lot of space. Give us time to recharge and sort our feelings out. We will talk to you when we're ready. This may be days or months, but we will talk to you about it.

    Your presence alone, and a cuddle/hug makes an introvert / INTP feels relaxed just as much as talking do for you.
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Why is it that, whenever my boyfriend is upset over something, he distances himself from me while this is the exact opposite of what I do?

    I can't bear that. I feel that he punishes me every time, as if I was somewhere guilty for feeling this way. I am his best friend. Generally he shares everything with me, except the bad.

    For me, in a good relationship, the communication should be a good flow. But his behaviour makes me feel he doesn't trust me, that I can't be a good source of comfort for him when he's troubled. It makes me feel so inadequate. I want to be there with him, I find ways to approach him whenever he's sad, but he only goes further away from me.

    I've confronted him about it many times. He apologizes, but then gets on with that old behaviour again.

    What can I do more? Is it normal for you guys to behave this way?
    While this may not apply for all guys, you shouldn't make a big deal out of it. He doesn't seem to want to reflect the negative aspects of his life to your relationship. He obviously needs some personal space about it so just be understanding.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: March 19, 2013
Poll
Which pet is the best?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Quick reply
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.