Do boys generally behave this way?

This is purely from my opinion as an introvert and an INTP (basically the NT type based on MBTI), so it may or may not apply to your situation.

Being an introvert, I need a lot of personal space (that means not talking to people) in order to recharge and relax. This is the complete opposite for extroverts who need to talk to people.

When I'm upset or unhappy, my natural response is always to retreat into solitude, as this relaxes me. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk about it, I just don't want to talk about it immediately as talking to people uses energy for an introvert, and I'm already using my energy to deal with stress. This is compounded by the fact that I"m an INTP, which means I spend a lot of time self reflecting, so it means not talking to people.

It's natural for people to want to talk more when I back off, and this actually stresses me out. My last relationship ended as I didn't get enough 'me' time despite me explaining this. I was constantly pushed to be upfront with my emotions, explain things, talk things through all the time, which eventually stressed me out.

In short, for an introvert and an INTP, what we need is a lot of space. Give us time to recharge and sort our feelings out. We will talk to you when we're ready. This may be days or months, but we will talk to you about it.

Your presence alone, and a cuddle/hug makes an introvert / INTP feels relaxed just as much as talking do for you.

Why is it that, whenever my boyfriend is upset over something, he distances himself from me?

How old are you guys. He sounds similar to me when I was 16...
That didn't make sense, are you telling me it took you 3 years to open to him or asking me a question?
If you're not a distant person it shouldn't take 3 years to open up.

Maybe he wants to deal with his problems on his own instead of having to rely on his girlfriend for support. He probably wouldn't feel very manly if he had to keep telling his girlfriend about how he's feeling a bit sad and needs emotional support. Some people just don't like to share that sort of thing, they like to deal with their problems in a fundamentally different way. Girls often have a support network they turn to when they're down but most guys I know don't particularly enjoy talking about their emotions, it's just not how it's done. He probably doesn't want to seem like the emotional one of the relationship.

I wouldn't get annoyed over it if I were you. You've probably grown up used to sharing your problems and your feelings with others but not everyone is like that, especially not in front of their girlfriend.

Guys don't like sharing stuff which they find maybe embarrassing to tell, which may not be embarrassing (i hope I make sense here?). We like to sort our own problems. I often don't discuss my problems even with my bestfriends, not unless its out of my league or draining me emotionally. One of my really good friends is a girl and she finds it really irritating that I won't tell her my problems, maybe because like you, she shares almost everything with me. So I do understand your position.

Anyway give your relationship more time. He'll probably start coming to you soon.

May be whenever he is angry he does something regreatable

Study him,try n know his likes and dislikes it will help u knw how to tackle his problems and prescribe solutions to him thats why he is your partener

Just because you trust someone it does not mean they must trust you that is illogical, how someone deals with problems in life is up to them by nagging him like so do you think you will gain his trust or just become another problem? Instead of thinking how bad it makes you feel focus on being compassionate to his problems that will make you a better person for him to confide in, you will not get someone to share their life with you through pressure. I hope this advice helps, you obviously care but I don't think you're going about it the right way, you must invite people to share not require it.

Its hard to comment as we dont know what the disagreements are about but I think distencing yourself for a few days can be a good thing.

You forget what you were arguing about/see it as silly after this time, and then you go back to how you were before. Discussing it again and again like girls often want to do just agrivates the situation.

This. This definitely helps the situation imo, allows him to actually think about what he wants to say to you. The two days not speaking gives him time for thought/reflection because if he responded straight away to your constant questions then his answers might be defensive/regretful which might lead to an argument.

This is purely from my opinion as an introvert and an INTP (basically the NT type based on MBTI), so it may or may not apply to your situation.

Being an introvert, I need a lot of personal space (that means not talking to people) in order to recharge and relax. This is the complete opposite for extroverts who need to talk to people.

When I'm upset or unhappy, my natural response is always to retreat into solitude, as this relaxes me. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk about it, I just don't want to talk about it immediately as talking to people uses energy for an introvert, and I'm already using my energy to deal with stress. This is compounded by the fact that I"m an INTP, which means I spend a lot of time self reflecting, so it means not talking to people.

It's natural for people to want to talk more when I back off, and this actually stresses me out. My last relationship ended as I didn't get enough 'me' time despite me explaining this. I was constantly pushed to be upfront with my emotions, explain things, talk things through all the time, which eventually stressed me out.

In short, for an introvert and an INTP, what we need is a lot of space. Give us time to recharge and sort our feelings out. We will talk to you when we're ready. This may be days or months, but we will talk to you about it.

Your presence alone, and a cuddle/hug makes an introvert / INTP feels relaxed just as much as talking do for you.

There's probably some truth in that, but I'm an extrovert and I'm like you. It might be part of what upsets girls, that I'm very loud and chatty, but I don't discuss my problems with them. The thing is, my social side is more about having fun. I like to deal with problems on my own, and that's my deeper side I guess.

I will open up, but only occasionally and after a bit of time. There's a distinction, I'm happy to party and talk about football and sex and politics all day, but I don't want to talk about my personal problems. I feel like I've told my girlfriend an amazing amount about myself, but she still gets annoyed with me.

I have a feeling it is due to him being used to dealing with problems on his own, would I be right in thinking that his home life has been less than spectacular? if that is the case, we will most likely keep doing this until he trusts you more.

Also communication is not always good, trust me, it can get ugly.

if hes upset surely its up to him how he wants to deal with it and you getting upset that he doesn't deal with it in the way that you like is extremely unfair.

If someone ever confronted me about not telling them things when I was upset and tried to make out that it was wrong of me and told me how much it upset them it would just reinforce for me that I wouldn't open up to that person. They are clearly more concerned with their own selfish desire to feel needed or wanted than me actually feeling better. If their concern was me they would support me dealing with it in the way I felt comfortable. Stop making his sadness about you.

Can I ask, what is it that make you open up, if ever you did?

Yeah, am gonna try that too once you reply.

Well sometimes, it helps me if I vent myself with someone. Hasn't happened much but yes there have been occasions when my emotions ruled over.

I would suggest don't press him much. And DON'T fuss over him. He'll hate that. Say something like "I'm here if you want/feel about talking about it" but don't press it further. He may open up/he still won't

Goodluck!

Why is it that, whenever my boyfriend is upset over something, he distances himself from me while this is the exact opposite of what I do?

I can't bear that. I feel that he punishes me every time, as if I was somewhere guilty for feeling this way. I am his best friend. Generally he shares everything with me, except the bad.

For me, in a good relationship, the communication should be a good flow. But his behaviour makes me feel he doesn't trust me, that I can't be a good source of comfort for him when he's troubled. It makes me feel so inadequate. I want to be there with him, I find ways to approach him whenever he's sad, but he only goes further away from me.

I've confronted him about it many times. He apologizes, but then gets on with that old behaviour again.

What can I do more? Is it normal for you guys to behave this way?

Yes, you're both right. I would try that. But then too, am afraid he might think I abandoned him when he was living his worst days..

I know him. Even though he'll be back when he's okay, he's going to hold it against me because I wasn't there...


I like the way you explained it. But you scare me.

Thank you. I'll take your advice seriously. That seems most reasonable to me.




Trust me. I can understand how your girlfriend feels.



No, his home life has been pretty normal... It's mine that has been a mess.



I care for him doesn't imply I am being needy. I can't let him be sad. It makes me sad too. I want to be the one with whom he finds comfort. I want to build myself a place in his life. His life isn't just about the so 'Happy moments'. It's the sum of the good and bad. I want to share his troubles, just like he's been sharing mine... why would that be wrong?

When men are upset, they go into what is known as their "cave". Whereas when women are upset, they talk about their problems to try and resolve them. It is completely natural and you do just have to learn to accept this. Read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It's a really good book that my mum lent me, and one that I then lent to my boyfriend. It's not just help with relationships. It really helps you understand how men and women are different and that they have different needs and what makes them tick. And it must be good, because I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years!

I don't think you understand my point. I didn't say needy I said selfish and I think the amount of times you said "I want" and the fact you focused on how his sadness makes you feel only goes to emphasis that. Wanting to help him and share in his troubles is not wrong, of course its not. But you have to remember that they are HIS troubles and if thats not how he preferes to deal with them you need to be supportive of that decision not try to push him to deal with things how you would prefer. Making him feel like hes doing something wrong by wanting to deal with things in the way he is comfortable not the way you want him to that is wrong and focusing on how his sadness effects you and what you want that is wrong. You should just let him know you are there if he needs you and wants to open up not try and make him feel like he has to.

I do it all the time. I'm single but my best friend's a girl, she just knows to give me some space...

Leave him to it. I'm quite guilty of behaving like this with my girlfriend and inevitably I apologise and we make up, then I do it all over again.

Don't think he wants rid of you just because he needs some space. People treat problems differently. Asking for some time to get his head straight isn't much of a concession to make

Its clearly all your fault whatever it is and you failed Lollllllllll!!!

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Why is it that, whenever my boyfriend is upset over something, he distances himself from me while this is the exact opposite of what I do?

I can't bear that. I feel that he punishes me every time, as if I was somewhere guilty for feeling this way. I am his best friend. Generally he shares everything with me, except the bad.

For me, in a good relationship, the communication should be a good flow. But his behaviour makes me feel he doesn't trust me, that I can't be a good source of comfort for him when he's troubled. It makes me feel so inadequate. I want to be there with him, I find ways to approach him whenever he's sad, but he only goes further away from me.

I've confronted him about it many times. He apologizes, but then gets on with that old behaviour again.

What can I do more? Is it normal for you guys to behave this way?

Well, I think I end up reacting in pretty much the same fashion when I'm upset.
And no, don't think that at all. Don't feel inadequate; it doesn't have to do with you.

Well, on introspection, I react that way, I think, out of an intolerance for my own weakness.
I don't like to share my problems with anybody, personally, because if I do, I start hating myself later for being incapable of handling them on my own. Perhaps it's an Ego thing, but in the end, it has me being pretty tough on myself. And frankly, I like that I'm tough on myself. It's what compels me to climb higher, be better, and helps me ameliorate my inadequacies. And so, I shoulder my burden in solitude.
Sometimes I don't share my problems with people I care about out of protectiveness, too. I don't want to see them worry, and I think that they might be a lot more helpful to me just as they are rather than if they got involved directly.
They seem anchors into normalcy in that case, things that can still drag you into peace during maudlin moments.

Well, that's how it might be with him, too.

Don't feel inadequate or push him into telling you against his wishes. Do ask him, regularly, but not forcefully.
Instead, try and perhaps support him simply by being everything he likes in you.

Well, I am a girl and I kind of do the same thing. I don't like to get other people down, especially the ones that I love when I am upset. I feel guilty too like I'm punishing everyone when I'm upset, but I'd feel even worse by sharing my problems all the time becuase I don't want to be thought of as a negative person.