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Boyfriend's fetishes? Watch

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    (Original post by redferry)
    But why would be happy that your gf was doing something she didn't enjoy? that doesn't sound like a good relationship to me!



    I don't know, I have a relationship currently very much based around non sacrifice and it works very well.
    I feel like you're putting your own opinion into this too much. You are essentially saying one partner should never do something both don't find pleasurable. But this is a very personal thing, for instance, if I didn't really enjoy going down on a girl, but did enjoy recieving, I would go down on the girl and be perfectly willing to do it to make my partner happy. Your dynamic is not the only dynamic, and whilst I appreciate forums are all about opinion, this is an advice forum and you're being very forceful with your 'you should never do anything you don't explicitly enjoy!' philosophy.
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    There is nothing wrong or abusive about you acquiescing to certain of your boyfriend's fetishes in order to please him, particularly if some of them are very important to him and those happen to be the ones you can put up with. It stands to reason that two given people are not likely to be fully sexually compatible. In that situation you must expect to do some things that might not do anything for you, as must he.
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    (Original post by MarieCat)
    Yeah, this is pretty much how I'm feeling. :dontknow: I am aware I don't have to do anything, but you know, it makes him happy. If I can deal with it without too much discomfort, then I don't really see why I shouldn't. I like him happy.



    Well, he doesn't really know... He knows I'm new to it all. Whenever he asks how it was for me, I just answer (truthfully) that I'm not sure. That I'll need some time to get used to it. I may have feigned enthusiasm once or twice, which was bad probably, but I didn't really think about it at the time. I should probably work on being more upfront about my feelings on this...
    Yeah just be open about it, once you go down the route of feigning enthusiasm its awkward to explain you didnt actually enjoy it and itll him make him doubt if you enjoy anythin he does.
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    (Original post by Steevee)
    I feel like you're putting your own opinion into this too much. You are essentially saying one partner should never do something both don't find pleasurable. But this is a very personal thing, for instance, if I didn't really enjoy going down on a girl, but did enjoy recieving, I would go down on the girl and be perfectly willing to do it to make my partner happy. Your dynamic is not the only dynamic, and whilst I appreciate forums are all about opinion, this is an advice forum and you're being very forceful with your 'you should never do anything you don't explicitly enjoy!' philosophy.
    Well you can enjoy it through the medium of your parner enjoying it, which how I feel about oral. So him enjoying it turns me on and makes me want to do it. But just doing it to get other sexual acts on you (dude thats not right your gf shouldn't withold oral if you really dont enjoy it) or through feeling the need to make your parner happy to me just shows selfishness in a partner. In order to get off on someones discomfot you cant care about them much in my eyes.
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    (Original post by redferry)
    Yeah just be open about it, once you go down the route of feigning enthusiasm its awkward to explain you didnt actually enjoy it and itll him make him doubt if you enjoy anythin he does.
    Yeah, you're right, I shouldn't have done that. Will have to clarify some things...
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    (Original post by redferry)
    Well you can enjoy it through the medium of your parner enjoying it, which how I feel about oral. So him enjoying it turns me on and makes me want to do it. But just doing it to get other sexual acts on you (dude thats not right your gf shouldn't withold oral if you really dont enjoy it) or through feeling the need to make your parner happy to me just shows selfishness in a partner. In order to get off on someones discomfot you cant care about them much in my eyes.
    It was a hyptohetical situation FYI

    But anyway, one might emotionally enjoy something for the sake of a partner, but not physically, perhaps I missed that distinction in your posts. I just think it's important to think about other relationship dynamics. I'd certainly be willing to try something I found uncomfortable, and not all that pleasurable, if it's something my (hypothetical) partner would really enjoy, assuming the same was true in the reverse.
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    (Original post by redferry)
    Well you can enjoy it through the medium of your parner enjoying it, which how I feel about oral. So him enjoying it turns me on and makes me want to do it. But just doing it to get other sexual acts on you (dude thats not right your gf shouldn't withold oral if you really dont enjoy it) or through feeling the need to make your parner happy to me just shows selfishness in a partner. In order to get off on someones discomfot you cant care about them much in my eyes.
    To be honest, I don't think this is any different to the gratification we're talking about, it's just not always sexual. I'm genuinely happy when he's happy. I'm not aroused, but I'm happy. What's wrong with that? I might not particularly enjoy the sexual experience at the time, but at the end of it I feel proud that I did good.

    I'll say once again, it's not like I hate it and he knows and still pressures me into doing it. He told me he has a deep fascination with these things, and I made a pledge that I would be as understanding and accommodating as I could.
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    (Original post by MarieCat)
    Our relationship is really great. I love my boyfriend, and he seems more or less perfect for me in every way. I'm really happy and I couldn't imagine anyone better than him.

    It's just the bedroom I'm worried about.

    He has a fair few fantasies, fetishes and sexual desires that are far beyond anything I've ever wanted or imagined myself doing. Some of them are outright scary to me. I don't have any real problem with this in principle, and I'm honestly trying my very best to indulge them, but its difficult and I'm worried.

    He's never once made me do anything I wasn't willing to, but he talks about them a lot, and I feel like if I don't do them then I won't ever be able to satisfy him. (One thing that scares me most is that he says he really wants to try anal, but that absolutely terrifies me. I told him that and he just kinda dismissed it as something we'd talk about later.)

    I really do love him a lot, I want him to be happy and be able to give him what he wants, but I'm just so scared. Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? I'm willing to work on being more accepting and ambitious, but I'm not sure I'll ever get there. Will it get easier for me with time? Or do you think he can live without it, if I can't manage? He has described some of them pretty confidently as fetishes which, from my understanding, are nearly impossible to 'get over.' I'm really worried this will cause us long-term problems. I don't want to lose him.
    With all due respect, the attitude you hold is the reason why men will cheat. If you cannot satisfy him he will look elsewhere.
    Are you that bad or just selfish in the bedroom?
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    (Original post by ssxx)
    With all due respect, the attitude you hold is the reason why men will cheat. If you cannot satisfy him he will look elsewhere.
    Are you that bad or just selfish in the bedroom?
    With all due respect, I don't think you really understand what I'm talking about.
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    (Original post by Steevee)
    It was a hyptohetical situation FYI

    But anyway, one might emotionally enjoy something for the sake of a partner, but not physically, perhaps I missed that distinction in your posts. I just think it's important to think about other relationship dynamics. I'd certainly be willing to try something I found uncomfortable, and not all that pleasurable, if it's something my (hypothetical) partner would really enjoy, assuming the same was true in the reverse.
    Haha well sorry if it was TMI I don't really care who knows about that sort of stuff I'm a very open person

    I'm not really one for the 'I'll do it if you do it' route. If your partner was uncomfortable with it why would you enjoy it? That's what gets to me =/
    I mean either you want to do it because the thought of doing it for your partner turns you on, which is ok, or you are putting up with something you don't enjoy for the sake of your partners pleasure, and they are enjoying it despite your discomfort, which is not ok. I know it is a fine line but that's how I feel about it.
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    (Original post by MarieCat)
    With all due respect, I don't think you really understand what I'm talking about.
    Ignore him he is a total mysogynist and has probably never had sex in his life.
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    (Original post by redferry)
    Haha well sorry if it was TMI I don't really care who knows about that sort of stuff I'm a very open person

    I'm not really one for the 'I'll do it if you do it' route. If your partner was uncomfortable with it why would you enjoy it? That's what gets to me =/
    I mean either you want to do it because the thought of doing it for your partner turns you on, which is ok, or you are putting up with something you don't enjoy for the sake of your partners pleasure, and they are enjoying it despite your discomfort, which is not ok. I know it is a fine line but that's how I feel about it.
    Hahaha, no, it honestly was hypothetical For one, I'm yet to try something I didn't get a little enjoyment of

    That's fair enough, I'm just different I guess. Plus, in my experience, you can learn to enjoy something you really didn't like at the start.
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    My girlfriend forced me into an armpit fetish. Best thing that ever happened to me!
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    (Original post by MarieCat)
    To be honest, I don't think this is any different to the gratification we're talking about, it's just not always sexual. I'm genuinely happy when he's happy. I'm not aroused, but I'm happy. What's wrong with that? I might not particularly enjoy the sexual experience at the time, but at the end of it I feel proud that I did good.

    I'll say once again, it's not like I hate it and he knows and still pressures me into doing it. He told me he has a deep fascination with these things, and I made a pledge that I would be as understanding and accommodating as I could.
    I think if you told him you aren't at all aroused by it he may be less keen on doing it to be honest. There is a difference, either it arouses you or it doesn't. Yeah sure you are happy, but are you particularly happy while he is doing it? From what you have said no. I don't think feeling like that during sex leads to a very positive sex life, so if you can find a way to make things work without having to be in discomfort or not enjoying sex (even if you feel good after, surely better to feel good during and after?) then things will probably work a lot better and be far more enjoyable for you.

    As I said, you two need to just chat and be open and work things out. If he still wants do things when he knows you don't enjoy them then that is when there is possibly a problem. Also don't be scared of not letting him do what he wants just because you are uncomfortable!
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    (Original post by Steevee)
    Hahaha, no, it honestly was hypothetical For one, I'm yet to try something I didn't get a little enjoyment of

    That's fair enough, I'm just different I guess. Plus, in my experience, you can learn to enjoy something you really didn't like at the start.
    You may well be able to but the idea of my partner enjoying something while I am in a lot of discomfort makes me die a bit inside, I'm not sure I could continue that relationship. It's just ****ed up in my mind. So I wouldn't be able to get over the first hurdle.

    I mean I know there are a lot of guys who get off on anal because of the big power trip she doesn't like it but she will do it for you, but I just couldn't deal with that. Especially the whole getting off on it even at the start when it is painful. The whole idea makes me want to cry.
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    (Original post by redferry)
    You may well be able to but the idea of my partner enjoying something while I am in a lot of discomfort makes me die a bit inside, I'm not sure I could continue that relationship. It's just ****ed up in my mind. So I wouldn't be able to get over the first hurdle.

    I mean I know there are a lot of guys who get off on anal because of the big power trip she doesn't like it but she will do it for you, but I just couldn't deal with that. Especially the whole getting off on it even at the start when it is painful. The whole idea makes me want to cry.
    Like I say, obviously you or of a different mindset to me and some people. That said, and I think it's important to clarify, I'd only do something that my partner agreed to. I wouldn't pressure them into something, but were they to say, yes, let's do X, and afterwards say they didn't really enjoy X, but they're willing to do it for me, then I may at some point ask to do X again. And as I say, it would work the same in reverse.

    I think we've just got different views on the issue
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    (Original post by redferry)
    I think if you told him you aren't at all aroused by it he may be less keen on doing it to be honest. There is a difference, either it arouses you or it doesn't. Yeah sure you are happy, but are you particularly happy while he is doing it? From what you have said no. I don't think feeling like that during sex leads to a very positive sex life, so if you can find a way to make things work without having to be in discomfort or not enjoying sex (even if you feel good after, surely better to feel good during and after?) then things will probably work a lot better and be far more enjoyable for you.

    As I said, you two need to just chat and be open and work things out. If he still wants do things when he knows you don't enjoy them then that is when there is possibly a problem. Also don't be scared of not letting him do what he wants just because you are uncomfortable!
    You make some good points, thanks Food for thought, definitely. Part of it is working out what I could grow to enjoy and what will never be good for me. I hear stories about people who change their minds about this stuff after trying it for a while, so if that is likely to happen to me then I'd be all up for continuing, but I don't know if it will.
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    (Original post by Steevee)
    Like I say, obviously you or of a different mindset to me and some people. That said, and I think it's important to clarify, I'd only do something that my partner agreed to. I wouldn't pressure them into something, but were they to say, yes, let's do X, and afterwards say they didn't really enjoy X, but they're willing to do it for me, then I may at some point ask to do X again. And as I say, it would work the same in reverse.

    I think we've just got different views on the issue
    Does the idea of your partner getting off on your discomfort not make you uncomfortable?
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    (Original post by redferry)
    Does the idea of your partner getting off on your discomfort not make you uncomfortable?
    Not really, equally it may be the act rather than my discomfort, the discomfort is a side-effect, not the desired intent.

    People have different turn-ons, if we're in a relationship that works fine then if that's what they sometimes want in the bedroom, it wouldn't be a problem with me, in reason.
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    (Original post by Steevee)
    Not really, equally it may be the act rather than my discomfort, the discomfort is a side-effect, not the desired intent.

    People have different turn-ons, if we're in a relationship that works fine then if that's what they sometimes want in the bedroom, it wouldn't be a problem with me, in reason.
    I think it's too at odds with my feminit standpoint in all honest, it scared me that a lot of men get off on women not enjoying things and the idea of my sex life straying towards that is too at odds with who I am as a person. It took me a while to get over the whole male dominance in the bedroom thing. I think me and my boyfriend are both dominants, which apparently doesn't work, but we've worked it out ok
    I guess maybe compromise is ok, but I hate the word sacrifice, like you are giving something up, that's balls.
 
 
 
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