Please keep anon as the issue is one that I'm obviously very insecure about and I don't want to be identified by people I know.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and have for the duration of our relationship, been very insecure about my breasts. I feel that they are far too small and ugly to look at. After 4 years of being together I think lots of people would assume that your insecurities would go away, that you'd grow to accept that the person you're with must love you and be attracted to you, but if anything my insecurity has only gotten worse!
Most of the time I have no problems with "getting on with" the relationship in this respect as it were; i.e, I know it's expected for me to get naked, be touched etc, and so I have always done these things, apart from on some exceptions where I am really struggling and can't grin and bear it, as it were, and insist on remaining clothed and refuse to let my boyfriend touch me. Sometimes I have to work very hard not to cry when my boyfriend is looking at them and worst of all touching them. Whenever he touches them all I can think about is how small they are in his hands and I feel upset, panicked and mortified. I feel so embarrassed all of the time and it makes sex and physical contact, something that should by its nature be enjoyable, difficult, and at times very very distressing.
My boyfriend knows how I feel about them and always tries his best to reassure me, but I know I will never feel any differently about them. He gets sick of me saying how unhappy I am with them etc, so the whole thing is difficult for us both. My boyfriend is a "breast man", and it constantly plays on my mind that I am a disappointment, he tells me that he is happy with me and "more than a handful is a waste", but that statement just makes me feel offended and more upset, and whenever I do things to make them look bigger he always comments on how nice they look and is much more sexually interested/excited, which in turn only makes me feel worse. So in doing things to try and make myself feel better about them (push-up bras etc), I only end up feeling worse.
The other thing is that while my boyfriend will never admit it, I know he is strongly attracted to a girl he works with, and whenever we have sex all I can think about is how small my boobs are, and what she would look like, how he must wish he was sleeping with her, and she is on my mind the whole time. Honestly, the whole thing is really quite painful. Part of me wants to tell my boyfriend that this is how I feel when we have sex and things, but the other part of me is scared that me saying that will only make him think of her during sex too!
I don't even know what I'm really hoping to achieve in posting this, and I know that there will be people who read this and think I am absolutely pathetic and need to get over myself. Tbh I think that about myself too. But I am at such a loss; I am so so unhappy to the point where I often think about ending the relationship because the whole process of hating my boobs and worrying about them and what my boyfriend thinks of them is so tiring and distressing. I guess I'm just looking to see if there's anyone out there who can relate, or anyone who has any advice on ways I can learn to live with this better.
Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and reply in advance.
As a final note: surgery is not an option for me due to a skin condition which means that any incisions cause me to keloid scar, so I'd still be terribly unhappy if I had implants because of this (google keloid if you don't know what it is and you'll understand why).
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Insecurity about breasts taking over my relationship watch
- Thread Starter
- 18-03-2013 00:54
I don't even know what I'm really hoping to achieve in posting this, and I know that there will be people who read this and think I am absolutely pathetic and need to get over myself.
- 18-03-2013 01:18
Your boyfriend has been with you for 4 years. Not only does he not have a problem with your boobs, you're far beyond the point when a relationship relies on physical attractivenes. He loves you for you.
The other thing is that while my boyfriend will never admit it, I know he is strongly attracted to a girl he works with
Get over yourself, you don't have a problem.
- 18-03-2013 01:26
It took a lot of courage to say that, so here's some first.
I am going to start by being dreadfully blunt. The thing that will harm your relationship is not the size of your breasts, not your boyfriend's co-worker, but your insecurities. If you surround yourself with this negativity, it will eventually become a self fulfilling prophecy.
I could go on and write quite a bit (as I often do), but the only way that you will get past this and not eventually sabotage the health of your relationship is if you confront it. You need to sit down with your boyfriend and explain honestly how you feel and what exactly it is that bothers you. I know that sounds like obvious, bs advice. However, it's the only way that your sex life can proceed and get past these insecurities. What do you mean by too small? What precisely is it about the way that your breasts look that upsets you? Do you think that bigger breasts would suddenly be this great nepenthe in your life? Would your relationship improve if your breasts were bigger?
But most of all you need a plan. You need a goal to reach, something tangible in the context of feeling better about the way your breasts look. I don't know what that is. It might be having sex without the negative thoughts about your breasts ever entering your mind, for example. The point is that you can learn to approach those things and realise that everything you feel is a product not of anyone's mind but your own.
The bottom line is that you have been together for four years. There are more attractive women out there than you. It sucks, but that's the reality for every woman out there. There are more attractive men than your boyfriend too. But funnily enough, relationships do not revolve around breast sizes, or penis sizes as men worry. They're about so, so, so much more than that. I'm not going to pretend that some men do not entertain breast size as a criterion in partners, just like we all have arbitrary standards in some things ... but your boyfriend obviously didn't care. A four year relationship does not say to me that your boyfriend is the least bit concerned or unhappy. Because, when you're in a relationship with someone, those kinds of things really do not matter. I mean, do you really care what your boyfriend's body looks like after all of this time?
There's more for me to add here, but it's perhaps a tad private and relates to something similar. Just send me a PM if you want to talk.Last edited by Perdiccas; 18-03-2013 at 19:02.
- 18-03-2013 01:28
Boobs aren't everything, obviously if your boyfriend has been with you for 4 years he doesn't care how big they are. Try and focus on the features you do like about yourself, everyone has stuff they don't like about their bodies and are insecure about, you just have to not worry about what people think and accept that they are a part of you.
- 18-03-2013 01:40
You're going to have to work on removing your insecurity or you will ruin this relationship. Nothing kills a relationship like one party hating themselves in some respect, it's insufferable.
- 18-03-2013 03:21
I'm really sorry you feel that way OP, I really feel for you. I too am very self conscious about my body and what's funny is I think my boobs are too big! But my partner has made me feel better about it and you sort of just have to accept the way things are. I don't think you need to speak to him about it - you already have and there's no need to bring it up or give the issue any more time or attention. It's time to move on. So what you're boobs aren't big enough (if there's even such thing) - your boyfriend loves you and thinks you're beautiful despite being a 'boob guy'. That's a lot of love. And don't think that you're not enough just because there's one thing about you that's not perfect, I'm sure he has his imperfections too that you have come to accept. Think about the way you see and accept him and know that that's how he feels about you too. Think about all the other parts of your body that you love (or don't but can work on) and remember that you HAVE all of that instead of fixating on the one thing you can't change. If there's nothing you like then work on it and make sure it ends up perfect.
Good luck and I hope you feel better soon! Remember that fortunate people aren't always grateful but grateful people are always happy.
- 18-03-2013 03:32
Your insecurity is killing your relationship, you are going to have to try really hard to get over it as if you don't it will ruin future relationships too. My boyfriend prefers small breasts but that doesn't mean when we are having sex he is wishing mine are smaller/I was someone else! Get some self confidence, if you are really struggling it might be good to get some sort of counselling abut it.
- 18-03-2013 03:38
Breasts cannot ruin a relationship.
Your feelings (about your breasts) can ruin this one.
I'm all too familiar with insecurities about my body. I am not too fond of my breasts either-pm me if you like.
What exactly about your breasts do you think is ugly? And why do you think this matters?
Ask yourself these questions too.
- 18-03-2013 03:41
Breast are not everything although they do mean a lot to girls!
ask some professional advice from a lingerie specialist!
dont listen to those who say get over it! I understand totally why this is important to u!
best of luck
- 18-03-2013 04:44
its almost like sooner or later. your gonna have to stop having a problem with your breasts then really
- 18-03-2013 09:26
I agree with the suggestion to find a goal. What would make it better? Then talk over this with your boyfriend and raise things that he can do to make it better. Right now he's probably feeling as hopeless as you are because he isn't able to do anything to make you feel more content
Most people have bits of themselves that they don't like, probably including your boyfriend. It might help to remind yourself of that so the problem doesn't get dramatised in your mind.
We don't touch things we don't like so I reckon your boyfriend is v happy with what you have. Maybe he's the best person to teach you how to love them too. When he's touching you, instead of focusing on what you don't like, maybe imagine his love flowing out of him and into you.
It will take time.
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