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Looking for critique on my writing :D Watch

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    I used to write all the time, and I've not written in ages.. Had a sudden burst of creativity earlier and started a sort of possible story beginning/blog post/I have no idea really. Just wondering if anyone fancies reading it and letting me know what they think

    Here goes!

    I felt sick inside. I wasn't sure whether it was the fact I hadn't eaten in seventy-five hours, or the fact I had royally ****ed everything up.
    Excuse the language, but it's times like this that call for such harsh words. It was around half seven at night. The streets outside were ever so slightly icy, giving off that shimmer that reminds one of a December's evening, when the streets are lit by the Blackpool illuminations on tour. Except it was March. It's not such a welcome sight to see a dusting of snow on the pavement as you pile on five layers of scarves and jumpers to nip to the shop three months after the festive season. I lit a cigarette absent-mindedly, pondering on what on earth to do for the three or four hours I must stay awake before it's socially acceptable to go to sleep. It's like that every night. After the standard motions of the day - get up, have a shower, do some housework, consider leaving the house then realising you have no ****ing money to do anything - you find yourself doing the same old things. You fool yourself into believing you're doing something worthwhile as you browse through a news website where every second story is about Kim Kardashian's arse, or some coked up celebrity entering rehab for the tenth time this year. Having read all the intellectual content you can handle for one day, you reflexively type in Facebook, and scroll through people you don't even care about's opinions. John Jenkins, your cousins friends boyfriend is going to Malia with the lads. Like. A picture of a puppy with a kitten on it's back with the caption "this puppy saved a kitten, like if you respect". Like. A video of some guy you don't even know doing a silly dance to a silly song. Like. You click that little thumbs up over and over, whilst staring at the screen with a blank expression, no emotions whatsoever. You decide to listen to some music. You put that song your friends like so you have to like it too on, and stare at the screen with a blank expression, no emotions whatsoever. You think it could be worthwhile to see what you can get on the cheap these days. Amazon, eBay. You stare at the screen with a blank expression, no emotions whatsoever. And you do this all night. Over and over, you do these things which feel like they may have purpose, when they have none whatsoever. That's my life. The same day, over and over. Going through the motions, hoping that one day something interesting will happen.
    I am eighteen years old, and I have royally ****ed up.
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    thats really good !! well done
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    For some reason this reminds me of the max payne narrative XD
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    (Original post by drillkx)
    For some reason this reminds me of the max payne narrative XD
    In a good or bad way haha?
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    I think it's good. The only thing is that reading it, he sounds way older than eighteen. I might be being really slow - is this the point?
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    I like it. I like your writing style, it flows nicely and your character's got a great voice. I've got the odd niggle with it, but honestly, my issues with it are extremely nitpicky at best. This is fantastic, and if you continue it I'd love to know.

    (If you wanted to know what my niggles were - sorry, I myself am an average writer at best, but somewhat hypocritically I'm used to doing the odd bit of critiquing - I'll cover them here in this small font...

    - "that shimmer that reminds one of a December's evening" - grammatically this works, but it doesn't quite sound right to me as it seems slightly out of place with the rest of the tone, "that shimmer that reminds one of an evening in December"?
    - there needs to be a paragraph break after the full stop in the middle of this bit: "after the festive season. I lit a cigarette absent-mindedly,".
    - "I am eighteen years old, and I have royally ****ed up" - the character ****ed up? It's not explained when or how or why. It's a nice bit of writing on society being ****ed up, but not the character themselves. And if it was the character themselves then surely it'd be "I am" rather than "I have"? That said, I understand you've said this is a start, so maybe you were going to explain it later?

    That's it. I told you it was nitpicky )
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    (Original post by perpetualx)
    In a good or bad way haha?
    I think it's quite good just the way you write reminds me of that 3rd person narrative style that the Max Payne sequels have, it often gets the person interested in what you're writing.
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    I really liked this; perhaps, depressingly, because it echoes what most of my evenings comprise. I agree with Jahlila's comment that it needs a paragraph break, but would suggest instead that the new paragraph starts with "It's like that every night." because that's where the tense seems to change. Also possessive apostrophes in 'cousin's friend's'. That's just me being pedantic though. I enjoyed it, were you just planning on writing it as an opening, or were there plans to continue it?
 
 
 
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