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I think I have a personality disorder... What to do? Watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What doesn't make sense in my post? Sometimes I do prattle on a bit when posting. I'm not very good at telling stories about myself but at the same time I appear happy and jovial. I know nobody can diagnose me nor me, but I was hoping for some advice or similar experiences. It's affected me my entire life. I'm pretty sure I haven't even described the full extent of my mind.

    Generally I can control myself (externally) but like last night I had a few drinks and I raged a few times at people. Usually when they made me feel different to how I perceive myself. My best friend said he was "freaked out" by my behaviour because I wanted revenge on a person who insulted us both. My friend let it slide, but it stuck in my mind for the whole night and into the morning.

    When I was younger, I couldn't control myself externally and basically I would cry, look sad and rage at people I worked/lived with. In fact, I still rage at my family members. I suppose I understand the consequences of having severe reactions to my co-workers/friends.

    I didn't think much of BPD at first and then someone suggested I either had NPD or BPD (psych forums) and I looked. Only things I don't have is the suicidal behaviour and self-harm.. But I have considered suicide in the past but never acted on it. Most people seem to think I have more narcissism but I don't agree because I'm not a domineering person and I feel something for people. But isn't empathy important for a BPD? Or can BPD conjoin with other personality disorders? I'm not sure if I feel remorse, tbh, but I haven't done anything bad to need remorse? Sometimes I think "should I feel remorse for that action?" when for example I pushed away a woman who begged me for sex (true story) but in the end, I shouldn't try and make her happy, it should be about me in cases like this.

    Thing is, I don't want professional help if I it means I will be discriminated, people will think different of me or if I lose my job. I'd rather live with myself than lose my job and everyone thinks I'm the local weirdo.
    Oh no, the post made sense I just meant that if it was BPD there was parts that didn't make sense if the diagnosis was BPD.

    I can relate to stuff you have said. The severe mood swings are pretty common - I find I can go from feeling great, positive, happy to suicidal and extremely distressed in a few minutes, just because of something someone said. The part you said about not loving, personally, I think that is very non-BPD. I find I go between extreme love (thinking people are perfect, can do no wrong) and then hate when I realise someone can't live up to the expectations I have applied to them. I can go between loving and hating people all the time, without seeing the "grey" area. I am very jealous too, extremely jealous. If I get jealous I often get angry and impulsive. My impulsive acts include drinking large amounts of alcohol (I do have a kind of alcohol dependency), reckless driving, self harming, suicide attempts.

    The need to be accepted - do you think it is more a fear of being rejected and alone, or a need to be the centre of attention? The paranoia about what others is pretty common - not just for those with a PD, but for everyone!

    The whole thing about how things only affect you if they are about you, and how things should be about you, that is maybe why people think you have narcissistic?

    If you get professional help I don't think you will be discriminated or lose your job. No one needs to know, you don't have to tell anyone you are getting help or that you have been diagnosed. You don't have to tell your employers (certain jobs you may have to, but you would know about that already if that was the case). I don't think you will lose your job. How will people know if you get treatment? I have a personality disorder and other mental illnesses and not even my housemates know that there is anything wrong with me, even when I have been sectioned and that.

    If you aren't happy, you have nothing to lose by getting help. 1 in 4 people have a mental health problem, it's very common, so you won't be seen as the local weirdo. If you want to feel better and leave behind your mood swings, anger, impulsivity and jealousy, then seeing your GP is a good start. If you don't want to do that, maybe try some self help?
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    (Original post by bullettheory)
    Oh no, the post made sense I just meant that if it was BPD there was parts that didn't make sense if the diagnosis was BPD.

    I can relate to stuff you have said. The severe mood swings are pretty common - I find I can go from feeling great, positive, happy to suicidal and extremely distressed in a few minutes, just because of something someone said. The part you said about not loving, personally, I think that is very non-BPD. I find I go between extreme love (thinking people are perfect, can do no wrong) and then hate when I realise someone can't live up to the expectations I have applied to them. I can go between loving and hating people all the time, without seeing the "grey" area. I am very jealous too, extremely jealous. If I get jealous I often get angry and impulsive. My impulsive acts include drinking large amounts of alcohol (I do have a kind of alcohol dependency), reckless driving, self harming, suicide attempts.
    I wouldn't say I "love" them but I do greatly enjoy being in peoples company as well and some people I like. I find I have times I hate them people also when I get a vibe they don't like me... Turns out I was wrong. I get jealous very easily... As in I'll add someone on Facebook and find they'll reject me and I'll rage. In my head anyway... I'm good at keeping my rage/anger internally but when I'm drunk, I rage at people externally. Now I think about it, I don't have a grey area really. People I can talk to and people I don't want to talk to. I do reckless driving, get drunk when I'm upset and impulsive also.

    The need to be accepted - do you think it is more a fear of being rejected and alone, or a need to be the centre of attention? The paranoia about what others is pretty common - not just for those with a PD, but for everyone!
    This actually makes a lot of sense. Tbh, it's both... When I find people leaving me or not wanting to talk to me, my emotions start changing and I go paranoid, angry, depressed etc. At the same time I always want to be in the conversation and when I'm not in the conversation, I get irritated. For example I saw two friends talking to each other and I felt a surge of jealousy. They saw my face but I quickly masked it with a smile. I get paranoid also people are going to leave me and stuff. I will message and ring friends a lot. I've even done something really bad it's embarrassing to prevent someone leaving me.

    The thing about how things only affect you if they are about you, and how things should be about you, that is maybe why people think you have narcissistic?
    I don't deny I have a lot of narcissistic traits. At the same time I have a lot of BPD traits but it seems some of my emotions are blocked out. For example I don't really emphasize with what people say. I read a post earlier on the forum about how he was depressed about abortions or something and I thought... Is he faking it or does he mean it? A lot of the times I don't feel anything even irl. That doesn't mean I am completely void. A co-worker told me she was depressed and cried and I felt something, I asked her for a hug. But my intentions weren't entirely pure. Half of me wanted to comfort her and the other half of me wanted to trick her into falling for me. She's one of the people I am really attached to. I dunno, is it possible I could be a BPD/NPD? There's a lot of complexes and disorders, I could fall into a category easily. But it seems doctors don't wanna go through that and will just bang on a label. Apparently men often get antisocial PD (I've been accused of that in the past by strangers) but I feel too much for that.

    If you get professional help I don't think you will be discriminated or lose your job. No one needs to know, you don't have to tell anyone you are getting help or that you have been diagnosed. You don't have to tell your employers (certain jobs you may have to, but you would know about that already if that was the case). I don't think you will lose your job. How will people know if you get treatment? I have a personality disorder and other mental illnesses and not even my housemates know that there is anything wrong with me, even when I have been sectioned and that.
    You got sectioned? Omg, what was it like? Thing is, my job involves working with mentally handicapped people, lol.

    If you aren't happy, you have nothing to lose by getting help. 1 in 4 people have a mental health problem, it's very common, so you won't be seen as the local weirdo. If you want to feel better and leave behind your mood swings, anger, impulsivity and jealousy, then seeing your GP is a good start. If you don't want to do that, maybe try some self help?
    At the moment I feel fine. I am starting to doubt I was wrong. However, all it'll take is one vibe and I'll go into a mood again.

    Sam Vankin's videos on YouTube to relate to me a little. He seems to often mention mood swings and impulsiveness and abandonment of "narcissistic supply" so I don't know. But Sam also mentions that narcissists don't like anyone. Thing is, I do. :/
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    (Original post by bullettheory)
    Oh no, the post made sense I just meant that if it was BPD there was parts that didn't make sense if the diagnosis was BPD.

    I can relate to stuff you have said. The severe mood swings are pretty common - I find I can go from feeling great, positive, happy to suicidal and extremely distressed in a few minutes, just because of something someone said. The part you said about not loving, personally, I think that is very non-BPD. I find I go between extreme love (thinking people are perfect, can do no wrong) and then hate when I realise someone can't live up to the expectations I have applied to them. I can go between loving and hating people all the time, without seeing the "grey" area. I am very jealous too, extremely jealous. If I get jealous I often get angry and impulsive. My impulsive acts include drinking large amounts of alcohol (I do have a kind of alcohol dependency), reckless driving, self harming, suicide attempts.

    The need to be accepted - do you think it is more a fear of being rejected and alone, or a need to be the centre of attention? The paranoia about what others is pretty common - not just for those with a PD, but for everyone!

    The whole thing about how things only affect you if they are about you, and how things should be about you, that is maybe why people think you have narcissistic?

    If you get professional help I don't think you will be discriminated or lose your job. No one needs to know, you don't have to tell anyone you are getting help or that you have been diagnosed. You don't have to tell your employers (certain jobs you may have to, but you would know about that already if that was the case). I don't think you will lose your job. How will people know if you get treatment? I have a personality disorder and other mental illnesses and not even my housemates know that there is anything wrong with me, even when I have been sectioned and that.

    If you aren't happy, you have nothing to lose by getting help. 1 in 4 people have a mental health problem, it's very common, so you won't be seen as the local weirdo. If you want to feel better and leave behind your mood swings, anger, impulsivity and jealousy, then seeing your GP is a good start. If you don't want to do that, maybe try some self help?
    Oh and I have suicidal thoughts. I've never attempted to commit suicide but I have thought about it. It's stupid reasons really: If I lose my job, I'll hang myself. I've never attempted though. I have mildly self-harmed. Punched myself on the head, but I usually did this in front of other people, never by myself.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm not all there, co-workers, friends and family have told me what they think. I don't have the courage to just walk up to my GP and say.. "hey I think I got a PD, what do I do?" but at the same time I want help as I hate feeling depressed, anger and wanting revenge over something stupid as a comment made in jest.
    Consult a psychologist or a psychiatrist.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I believe borderline PD or narcissist PD. Though I believe more towards Borderline as I find myself obsessed and attached to people way too easily. I hope it's NOT BPD in a way because I hear it's mainly a female PD? I'm a guy and I fear people will push me away or think I'm crazy. Nobody will ever be with me.

    emotions
    I get severe mood swings. This may be depression or anger. I rarely feel happiness. Usually this comes from comments other people make, even if they mean it as banter. I am often get **** faced on vodka and coke the night before work purely because of a comment someone said in which they prob won't think twice of it. I get very angry at times and I need to bottle it in or I'd prob lose my job lol. I get depressed over slight comments of my appearance or attitude. I've "laughed" but I've never been "happy" or have I loved someone. I don't even love my family, they were horrible to me and I hate how my little sister gets 30+ likes on a ****ing profile picture. I get very jealous easily, usually when people are talking to each other. Why are they not talking to me? Don't they like me anymore?

    need to be accepted
    I feel the need to be accepted all the time. I will get depressed or angry if I get a vibe that someone doesn't like me. Of course, often enough I find people do like me and I'm just being paranoid. I will sometimes make up lies, such as being a champion boxer or such just to make myself feel better. I will interact in all conversations and I need to be in the convos. If I'm left out, I feel depressed that they are leaving me out when they prob not. To make myself feel better, I need attention on things such as POF. I crashed my car and pretended someone else crashed into me, I did this so I wouldn't feel embarrassed. I've told people I'm a doctor before and everyone believed my lies of good jobs and such. I will share my problems with people, some serious problems and then I will find that they won't tell me a thing in return. In a way I fear losing friends all the time but I also seem to push people away because of comments they make.

    paranoia
    I get very paranoid about the stupidest things. I will think my friends or so are against me when in reality they are not. I think people dislike me all the time and talk about me behind my back. I also get paranoid for stupid reasons such as if I said the wrong thing, losing my job etc... I also get paranoid that people don't think I look good. I need reassurance a lot that I look good.

    I... lack empathy and sympathy?
    I'll be honest. If someone I know is hurt, I don't rarely feel anything. I try to pretend to care but sometimes it's painfully obvious. I just don't see how I can care if I wasn't there and I wasn't involved in anyway. My grandfather died and I forced myself to cry for example. I haven't always been void of empathy... I swear I had it as a kid. But it was adulthood when I realised, the only time I was "upset" was for myself. I never felt anything when other people were hurt or upset. I actually acknowledged it. Note I said "rarely", I swear sometimes I feel something for people. But it usually turns out to be the people who don't care for me.

    personality
    People have told me I'm "very cocky". I don't see how this is though. I feel stupidly shy around people at times. For example, today I didn't really know what to say to some girl I really like. Though, this same girl accuses me of being "very cocky". Other people joke with her, but when I joke with her and laugh, she gets offended.

    Despite this, I am a peoples person. I have tons of people on facebook and I make sure to go out in town and see people as much as possible. I have friends and I try to see them as much as possible. There's not much to say here as I described it in the other pointers..

    Yes, I get depressed but I try to hide this behind a smile. I have very few hobbies and I get bored of things easily. I buy a new game for example and buy a new one afterwards.

    I got told numerous times "I'm not all there", "I'm crazy" and truth be told... I believe it.

    relationships
    I feel lonely and I want one I think. Though, when I get a gf I don't feel bothered nor the need to put any effort into it. In a way, I just want sex. I've had numerous partners but they don't last long. If people are clearly attracted and interested in me, I grow distant. I've had a lot of unprotected sex with random strangers, both men and women.

    My friendships is built around jealousy, paranoia and need for attention. One time I pretended to black out and screamed rage at a friend because he was with a girl I liked. I then pretended within seconds I didn't remember a thing. I wasn't interested in the girl, I wanted to feel good about myself.

    I sometimes use my friends for selfish needs. For example I will bring good looking friends out to attract girls, then I will go for the girls. I do this by being a selfish prick and mocking my friends.

    I'll note that despite my paranoia and stuff, I do have people talking to me a lot and despite my problems I always try to have a happy face and happy personality facade.



    Don't know why I'm sharing this but this is the type of problems I'm having...
    It would much more conducive if you explained this in this same way to a psychologist.
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    Keep a diary of how you feel. Look up what you think you may have and try to match the symptoms. And go to a GP with your notes and see what they say. I did this, thinking I had bipolar. I was referred to a specialist who then diagnosed me with Borderline personality disorder. Check out http://www.bpdworld.org/ and http://www.dissociation-world.org.uk/ for more information. Also Google accounts of people who suffer with what you think you may have and try to match it up with your experience. I'd recommend seeing a GP when you can as I'm feeling a lot better now I'm on medication. I think those sites have forums too. Good luck.
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    (Original post by imidorotheah)
    Keep a diary of how you feel. Look up what you think you may have and try to match the symptoms. And go to a GP with your notes and see what they say. I did this, thinking I had bipolar. I was referred to a specialist who then diagnosed me with Borderline personality disorder. Check out http://www.bpdworld.org/ and http://www.dissociation-world.org.uk/ for more information. Also Google accounts of people who suffer with what you think you may have and try to match it up with your experience. I'd recommend seeing a GP when you can as I'm feeling a lot better now I'm on medication. I think those sites have forums too. Good luck.
    Thanks a lot, that is really good advice. So write down some things like what's wrong with me and try and explain it to the GP? Did you tell your family after?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Oh and I have suicidal thoughts. I've never attempted to commit suicide but I have thought about it. It's stupid reasons really: If I lose my job, I'll hang myself. I've never attempted though. I have mildly self-harmed. Punched myself on the head, but I usually did this in front of other people, never by myself.
    Have you gone any further than thinking about it? Like have you ever made a plan or that? It may be worth mentioning that to a GP if nothing else.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks a lot, that is really good advice. So write down some things like what's wrong with me and try and explain it to the GP? Did you tell your family after?
    Yeah. When I'd had a few episodes I'd write it down after best I could remember or I'd write down how I felt like "Felt really high today everything was in fast forward I felt invincible" or "Didn't get out of bed today felt rubbish spoke to noone someone called me I vaguely remember swearing at them to go away". It helps you see if there's a pattern, like if it's rapid cycling, over a few days, if anything triggers it, and so on. And just saying a bit about how you feel to the GP - what I did was I photocopied a few diary entries and showed her as I felt too awkward to vocalise it.
    Also, when you do feel "normal" it's easy to think oh i'm fine it's going to go away now but depressing as this sounds it's good to keep track of moods regardless, even if it's just so you know when you're most "normal" to fit in doing work etc, which is what I had to do before the medication.
    I have told my family, but my situation is a bit different to most people as I haven't lived with my parents for a few years now. But they were very understanding and just wanted me to get help and they were more supportive than they've ever been to be honest so yeah I've had a positive experience overall.
    Telling your friends is good - I've told the people I'm living with next year about it, and turns out some of them have had mental health problems they haven't told anyone about. Talking is empowering.
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    (Original post by bullettheory)
    Have you gone any further than thinking about it? Like have you ever made a plan or that? It may be worth mentioning that to a GP if nothing else.
    It's usually impulsive thinking. Like, I see the balcony, do I jump or do I not jump? I get paranoid at work and I think, everyone hates me, I'm going to lose my job... If I lose my job then I'll kill myself. Then I'll have a supervision and he'll tell me that I'm fitting in with the work team really easily and that my work is really good. I've never gone as far as premeditating a suicide.

    Is it worth mentioning about daydreams? Is it abnormal? I'll randomly daydream a lot, sometimes when driving, sometimes when walking and sometimes when in conversation.

    I read somewhere that imagining people can read your thoughts is schizophrenic?
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    (Original post by imidorotheah)
    Yeah. When I'd had a few episodes I'd write it down after best I could remember or I'd write down how I felt like "Felt really high today everything was in fast forward I felt invincible" or "Didn't get out of bed today felt rubbish spoke to noone someone called me I vaguely remember swearing at them to go away". It helps you see if there's a pattern, like if it's rapid cycling, over a few days, if anything triggers it, and so on. And just saying a bit about how you feel to the GP - what I did was I photocopied a few diary entries and showed her as I felt too awkward to vocalise it.
    Also, when you do feel "normal" it's easy to think oh i'm fine it's going to go away now but depressing as this sounds it's good to keep track of moods regardless, even if it's just so you know when you're most "normal" to fit in doing work etc, which is what I had to do before the medication.
    I have told my family, but my situation is a bit different to most people as I haven't lived with my parents for a few years now. But they were very understanding and just wanted me to get help and they were more supportive than they've ever been to be honest so yeah I've had a positive experience overall.
    Telling your friends is good - I've told the people I'm living with next year about it, and turns out some of them have had mental health problems they haven't told anyone about. Talking is empowering.
    Thanks, I got problems with my parents also. I keep blaming my mum for my problems and I keep pushing my parents away. My dad said I only ring him when I want something. Today I rang him for help but I also asked him if he wanted to go to the pub where I was planning to hint I had something wrong with me.

    Did you tell your parents before? I don't wanna tell my friends until I'm diagnosed and even then I wanna be sceptical. I work in mental health job after all. I have a bad tendency to get drunk and then tell people what I'm thinking.
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    (Original post by imidorotheah)
    Yeah. When I'd had a few episodes I'd write it down after best I could remember or I'd write down how I felt like "Felt really high today everything was in fast forward I felt invincible" or "Didn't get out of bed today felt rubbish spoke to noone someone called me I vaguely remember swearing at them to go away". It helps you see if there's a pattern, like if it's rapid cycling, over a few days, if anything triggers it, and so on. And just saying a bit about how you feel to the GP - what I did was I photocopied a few diary entries and showed her as I felt too awkward to vocalise it.
    Also, when you do feel "normal" it's easy to think oh i'm fine it's going to go away now but depressing as this sounds it's good to keep track of moods regardless, even if it's just so you know when you're most "normal" to fit in doing work etc, which is what I had to do before the medication.
    I have told my family, but my situation is a bit different to most people as I haven't lived with my parents for a few years now. But they were very understanding and just wanted me to get help and they were more supportive than they've ever been to be honest so yeah I've had a positive experience overall.
    Telling your friends is good - I've told the people I'm living with next year about it, and turns out some of them have had mental health problems they haven't told anyone about. Talking is empowering.
    I did feel normal this afternoon. In a way I felt really confident and strong.

    Thanks for your help.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's usually impulsive thinking. Like, I see the balcony, do I jump or do I not jump? I get paranoid at work and I think, everyone hates me, I'm going to lose my job... If I lose my job then I'll kill myself. Then I'll have a supervision and he'll tell me that I'm fitting in with the work team really easily and that my work is really good. I've never gone as far as premeditating a suicide.

    Is it worth mentioning about daydreams? Is it abnormal? I'll randomly daydream a lot, sometimes when driving, sometimes when walking and sometimes when in conversation.

    I read somewhere that imagining people can read your thoughts is schizophrenic?
    What makes you think you will lose your job? Daydreaming isn't abnormal. I would say its only a problem if it worries you, makes you feel bad or if you can't function properly cus of it. Yes, sometimes people with schizophrenia will be convinced people are reading their thoughts. I guess it could be seen as a paranoid delusion. However not everyone who thinks that is psychotic or is schizophrenic.

    You said below you work in mental health, what do you do?
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    (Original post by bullettheory)
    What makes you think you will lose your job? Daydreaming isn't abnormal. I would say its only a problem if it worries you, makes you feel bad or if you can't function properly cus of it. Yes, sometimes people with schizophrenia will be convinced people are reading their thoughts. I guess it could be seen as a paranoid delusion. However not everyone who thinks that is psychotic or is schizophrenic.

    You said below you work in mental health, what do you do?
    Just paranoia, I suppose that if people dislike me then I'll get the sack. (i'm on probation until the end of the month)

    I work with severely autistic adults.
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    I emailed a phD, psychologist. Apparently, I am lucky to get an email back as she only responds to the most important ones.

    She didn't touch on all the things I wanted. I.e. lack of empathy, paranoia, exploit, pushing people away etc. She touched on my problems regarding need to be accepted etc.

    It seems clear that you are suffering. At the heart of the problem may be a lack of self-esteem. Abraham Maslow’s theory of human development and motivation explains that individuals who never felt loved attempt to fulfill that need in adulthood. It’s a constant search for external validation.

    In your life, it seems as though you are continuously searching for external validation from others. You need to know that they approve of you. Any evidence of their disapproval bothers you. The idea that someone may not like you has even led you to drink to the point that you could have lost your job. That hypersensitivity is evidence that the opinion of others very much matters to you and controls your life.

    Ideally, you should be immune to the opinion of others. It shouldn’t matter what other people think about you. Psychologically healthy people, those who do not lack self-esteem, feel good about themselves. They are not overly confident or cocky, they simply believe in themselves and their abilities.

    Psychotherapy would greatly benefit you. It would give you the opportunity to analyze your life and also determine what specifically is making you unhappy. A psychotherapist can also analyze your interpersonal skills, evaluate your interactions with others and teach you how to properly meet your needs. Many people who have undergone psychotherapy report that it has significantly improved their lives. Psychotherapists are trained to deal with the very problems with which you struggle.

    Finally, gaining a diagnosis can be useful in determining what treatment options one should pursue but psychiatric diagnosis is not an exact science. What’s most important is receiving the best available help to improve the quality of your life. Please take care.
 
 
 
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