Hi, I am studying abroad in the UK for the semester and need affirmation that I am not completely crazy. Last week, I went out to a uni event with a group of friends and had too much to drink. My recollection of the night, beginning before we even made it to the nightclub, is spotty and I cannot remember anything I was saying. I had two more drinks while we were out and at the end of the night, I met up with an acquaintance and he asked me to come up to his room to listen to a song he wrote. I remember walking inside his room and sitting on the bed, but I was too drunk to coordinate movements. My next memory is of him digitally penetrating me and then taking off my underwear. I remember saying no, or at least trying to say no, but I was not able to make him stop. I vaguely remember him having sex with me but I think I passed out during. The next thing I remember is waking up still delirious and walking across the room to get my underwear. I ended up staying in his room for a while longer because my coat was in my friend's room and I didn't want to walk back across campus in the cold. He tried to finger me again but I got him off of me and pretended to be asleep. I eventually walked back home and went to get the morning after pill since I asked him if he used protection and he said no.
Since then, I have confided in two of my girl friends here and they have not been very supportive. To me, it seems like they believe I deserved this because I willingly made out with him at the club and went to his room. I feel that I was taken advantage of due to my intoxicated state and that he coerced me into sexual acts with him. Before that, I was a virgin and saving myself for marriage was very important to me. I wish that the university I am attending had a counselling department, but as far as I can tell, there is a Student Welfare officer who is a middle aged man.
I know that this was not my fault, but I can't stop thinking about that night and can't stop feeling dirty and guilty. I'm also afraid that maybe I told him I wanted to have sex while I was drunk and I don't remember. What steps should I take to forgiving myself and moving past this?
Too drunk to consent Watch
- Thread Starter
- 20-03-2013 12:29
Jo from AVA
- 143,089 followers
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- 23-03-2013 23:18
Thank you for your message, I am really glad you got in touch.
It is really important that you understand that what happened to you was not your fault and even if you had said that you wanted to have sex, if a person is unconscious or their judgement is impaired by alcohol or drugs, legally they are unable to give consent. Having non-consensual sex with a person who is intoxicated is sexual assault.
I think that having counselling is a great idea, the best people to talk to are rape crisis. They are lovely and will be able to help you talk about what has happened and will help you to deal with it. They can also explain what would happen if you wanted to report it officially (although this is your choice). Sexual assault can have long lasting impacts on you, so it is really important that you get some support.
IT is also important to get checked for any sexually transmitted diseases. You can go to a sexual assualt referral centre and details of where they are can be found here: http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Sexualhea...alassault.aspx
You did not deserve this at all. No-one deserves to be sexually assaulted. There are lots of people who will listen and believe you, so please do get in touch with them.