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I hit her but I didn't mean to Watch

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    (Original post by OhNoes)
    Violence is of course never the correct course of action...that said there is a line you shouldn't cross, her saying something like that crosses that line completely. I think continuing to call and text her, waiting a bit in between each call would be a good idea. Trying to physically contact her with something like a letter might also help...just try not to seem aggressive, turning up banging on her front door might freak her out!

    If you honestly love her then keep at it, you should be able to sort this out, or your lying about your feelings. Good luck!
    I second this.^
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    (Original post by McMurdo)
    I'd say it's more a case of your friend being an anomaly, to be honest. That is NOT how serious anger issues pan out in most people :P Not saying it doesn't happen, but it's certainly not the norm.
    Well anyway the Op cant control his anger in relation to his dead dad, for me if you can't control your anger under any situation its best to get it sorted. I mean my other friend got told he had to go to anger management by uni because if anyone physically started a fight with him he would beat them to within an inch of their life. Its all about reacting proportionately.
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    (Original post by Need help atm)
    I really need help.
    My girlfriend and I have been together for three years ad are both second year uni students at the same uni. Lately, we've been arguing quite a lot over nearly everything. but when we're both feeling up to it, the relationship can be great.
    Earlier on today, she was in a bad mood for some reason, and started *****ing me out when I was in the middle of studying for second year uni exams. I normally either cuss her out too or ignore her, but today just wasn't really my day and I was too stressed to bother replying. She came into our room (we both share a house) and started to push me about a bit, shoving my hand so that the page I was writing on was ruined. Then, knowing that my dad's recently passed away, she told me that he died because he couldn't stand the thought of living with me as a son.
    I lost it. I shoved her into a wall and punched her twice. I regretted it as soon as it happened, and started apologising, but she started crying and stormed off. This all happened earlier today and she still hasn't come back.

    I know our relationship sounds awful, but our fights don't occur much, and when we're good, we can really be in love.
    i know I love her, but I still feel hurt over what she's said; she definitely took It too far, but I wish there was a way to rewind everything. I'm panicking over what she just might be doing now, and I just want to apologise but she's not answering my calls or anything.
    please. I need some advice on what to do now.
    dude sod apologising - get out of there, to make a comment like that is just bang out of order (spoken by someone who has lost his dad). You shouldnt have hit but the reaction was understandable


    (Original post by Kousar)
    With all respect, I'm not for abuse but I cannot believe what she said to you. How could she have the heart to say that about your Dad? Unless we're only getting one side of the story and you mouth away at her like she did to you. Otherwise, I don't know why she'd take it so far...
    Really? You dont think its feasible for a girl to make a horrendously *****y and cruel comment. You clearly dont know a lot about women

    (Original post by Rascacielos)
    I agree. I'm in a complete moral quandary because I want to say to the OP essentially "under no circumstances should you hit someone" and the fact that you "didn't mean to" is irrelevant because you still did it. But if the context was exactly as the OP put it - and he's not exaggerating to justify his actions to himself - then his actions weren't completely out of order IMO. That said, violence is never the solution and it was wrong of him to hit her, but I can sympathise, particularly after the comment about his father.

    OP, I think you can say your relationship is over. Not only (or even particularly) because you hit her, but because of the way she acted towards you in the first place. The fact is, if she cared for you at all she would never have made that comment about your Dad, not even in the heat of an argument, and particularly during your exams. At the same time, it was wrong of you to hit her and, if nothing else, I think it shows that you don't love her as much as you say/think you do. In addition to that, she's never going to trust you again.

    All in all, I think you're both in the wrong but not in a way which is reconcilable. I would move on now OP.
    I agree - loss can be utterly devastating emotionally and at first its very raw and on the surface -im not surprised that a comment like that sent him over the edge. - Leave it OP this relationship is over and its as well for both your sakes

    (Original post by redferry)
    You can't fix things now really, I'll be surprised if she can ever trust you again after that. Maybe get some counselling over the death of your dad and the anger issues? That may help I mean what she said was **** but doesn't amount to physical assault. I think you are better off apart, she sounds horrible (no-one could say things like that about someone they care about) and you have anger issues (hitting someone weaker than you is not on)
    Taking this instance alone i wouldnt say the OP has anger issues, I'd say hes going through a very turbulent time and yes needs help with his grief. Anger is perfectly normal reaction - doesnt mean he has issues with his anger.
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    (Original post by redferry)
    Well anyway the Op cant control his anger in relation to his dead dad, for me if you can't control your anger under any situation its best to get it sorted. I mean my other friend got told he had to go to anger management by uni because if anyone physically started a fight with him he would beat them to within an inch of their life. Its all about reacting proportionately.
    ANY situation? You're seriously clutching at straws now. :laugh:

    If that was true, then the vast majority of people have anger issues...
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    Whilst I personally wouldn't of hit them, I really detest the idiots that claim ANY kind of violence against a woman is wrong, in any circumstance.

    Get real, a woman is more than capable of causing grievous harm. Would you happily let a woman stab you to death for your values.
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    (Original post by Need help atm)
    I really need help.
    My girlfriend and I have been together for three years ad are both second year uni students at the same uni. Lately, we've been arguing quite a lot over nearly everything. but when we're both feeling up to it, the relationship can be great.
    Earlier on today, she was in a bad mood for some reason, and started *****ing me out when I was in the middle of studying for second year uni exams. I normally either cuss her out too or ignore her, but today just wasn't really my day and I was too stressed to bother replying. She came into our room (we both share a house) and started to push me about a bit, shoving my hand so that the page I was writing on was ruined. Then, knowing that my dad's recently passed away, she told me that he died because he couldn't stand the thought of living with me as a son.
    I lost it. I shoved her into a wall and punched her twice. I regretted it as soon as it happened, and started apologising, but she started crying and stormed off. This all happened earlier today and she still hasn't come back.

    I know our relationship sounds awful, but our fights don't occur much, and when we're good, we can really be in love.
    i know I love her, but I still feel hurt over what she's said; she definitely took It too far, but I wish there was a way to rewind everything. I'm panicking over what she just might be doing now, and I just want to apologise but she's not answering my calls or anything.
    please. I need some advice on what to do now.
    she said something hurtful, however you crossed a line. she can say what she wants about your dad, you know it's not true, it's just words. if you felt that upset by that comment then you should have just dumped her rather than beating her up. i can understand why you were angry - it was an extremely nasty thing to say and if someone were to say the same thing to me about why my mum died i would be equally hurt and they would be out the door - but there is no excuse for you to be violent, especially against a woman.

    i think you should just move on... this relationship sounds seriously unhealthy. what woman could tell the man she loves that his dad died because he hated him? what man could beat up the woman he loves?

    what you did was truly horrible... pushing her into a wall and punching her twice? it's not like it's a slap, it's properly aggressive and you didn't even stop after pushing her/the first punch, you continued and didn't register what you were doing was completely wrong. i think that shows some kind of underlying anger issues/something she should steer WELL clear of. if i were her you would be out of my life for good ASAP. *******. can't believe people are saying she deserved it.
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    (Original post by Ice Constricter)
    ANY situation? You're seriously clutching at straws now. :laugh:

    If that was true, then the vast majority of people have anger issues...
    Not really - as I said, my friend beats people withing an inch of their life, but only if they physically assault him. It is still an anger management problem, he has put 5 people in hospital with serious injuries. Whereas I have a friend on my postgrad now who is a huge guy and people start on him all the time, however he is usually able to verbally get out of the situation and if he isn't he maybe throws a couple of punches or restrains them.

    (Original post by silverbolt)
    Taking this instance alone i wouldnt say the OP has anger issues, I'd say hes going through a very turbulent time and yes needs help with his grief. Anger is perfectly normal reaction - doesnt mean he has issues with his anger.
    Yeah he dosn't have general anger issues but obviously ones relating to his dead father - initially what I said was get counselling to help with grief and the anger issues relating to that. Everyone just leapt on the anger management bit. Also there is potential for the issues to spread into other parts of his life, my housemates anger issues started with the loss of his mum.
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    (Original post by Willbean)
    How the **** did she not mean it? When I'm pissed, I don't go THAT low. What she said was seriously out of order. But of course, women defend their own kind.

    I don't condone violence either but that ***** crossed several lines. First she initiated the violence by shoving him and then using a family members death against him.

    If you did not mean it, you would not say **** like that. I can say some disgusting things but that was horrible.
    Whoa whoa whoa...why are you attacking me like that? Youre not the OP, but you seem even more distressed and emotional about the subject than him!

    Some people will say the lowest most disgusting things they can think of to get a reaction, it doesnt mean they mean it. If she meant it, then I'm sure the OP would be out of there like a shot and wouldnt even be considering trying to save his relationship.

    Yes she did provoke him, and yes she started the violence. I do believe as well she's now playing the victim "I'm a woman and he hit me" card by not speaking to him. She probably hasnt mentioned to the people around her what she did to lead up to that and is manipulating their support.

    But seriously, I was trying to be diplomatic and rational. Calm the **** down!
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    (Original post by redferry)
    Not really - as I said, my friend beats people withing an inch of their life, but only if they physically assault him. It is still an anger management problem, he has put 5 people in hospital with serious injuries. Whereas I have a friend on my postgrad now who is a huge guy and people start on him all the time, however he is usually able to verbally get out of the situation and if he isn't he maybe throws a couple of punches or restrains them.
    Save the anecdotes for another day. I was referring to the bit in bold where you said that anyone that can't control their anger in any situation has anger issues - that obviously isn't true.
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    (Original post by Ice Constricter)
    Such a stupid ****ing post that completely panders to her gender to make a point.
    I would feel the same if it were a gay couple.

    It's not a stupid post, it is my opinion, just because you happen to disagree with my opinion does not make it stupid.
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    (Original post by redferry)
    I agree that he needs help with anger issues, physically assaulting someone weaker than you is not a proportionate reaction to verbal abuse.
    That wasn't just verbal - it was mental as well as emotional abuse which can be as, if not more, potent and damaging than physical assault. She didn't shout, "omg you're so annoying!". She shoved him, interrupted his work, then told him, solely out of spite, that it was his behaviour that caused the death of his father.

    So, I would put forward that his reaction was actually much less proportionate than would have been expected. Two basic punches lasts at most a week, but something like that can leave scars for the rest of your remaining life on Earth. Like someone else said above: "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will leave psychological scars that will haunt forever".
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    (Original post by Willbean)
    How the **** did she not mean it? When I'm pissed, I don't go THAT low. What she said was seriously out of order. But of course, women defend their own kind.

    I don't condone violence either but that ***** crossed several lines. First she initiated the violence by shoving him and then using a family members death against him.

    If you did not mean it, you would not say **** like that. I can say some disgusting things but that was horrible.
    Exactly. No matter how angry I am at a person I would never dream of saying something like that.
    Of course, he shouldn't have hit her but she was completely in the wrong first.
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    (Original post by ANARCHY__)
    I didn't say no factor at all. I said being less able to defend yourself is not a reason to excuse violence if it's someone on the same level. Please point out where I've deviated from that and I'd be happy to concede.
    By saying that you can't see the relevance of the person not being able to defend herself. That suggets you also believe hitting someone less able to do so, such as a child, is no more serious than an adult. It's called deductive reasoning.
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    Let her go and find a good person and you go and get help before any more pain is caused! Remember that if you hit a female again that is your fault and you are very low life!
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    (Original post by silverbolt)

    Really? You dont think its feasible for a girl to make a horrendously *****y and cruel comment. You clearly dont know a lot about women
    I think the comment you quoted was a fair one. It's worth considering that the OP might be trying to justify his actions to himself by not relaying the facts as they were exactly (e.g. if he had been just as cruel verbally to her) and thus getting sympathy from TSR. I think that's all Kousar was trying to say - not that women aren't capable of being horrendously *****y, which I appreciate they are.

    Also, I hope you're not trying to generalise when you said "you clearly don't know a lot about women." There are plenty of women who would never ***** and would rather settle a fight with their fist. Alternatively, I have encountered enough *****y men in my lifetime as well.
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    That's a ghastly thing to say. You shouldn't hit people and what you did was wrong but so was what she said, that's out of order. Although at the same time punching someone twice is definitely not alright either. Sounds like you two bring out the worst in each other and you're probably better off apart. She shouldn't be provoking you and I can understand why you'd lose your temper. That doesn't make violence acceptable of course but there is definitely fault on both sides in this case.
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    (Original post by Rascacielos)
    I think the comment you quoted was a fair one. It's worth considering that the OP might be trying to justify his actions to himself by not relaying the facts as they were exactly (e.g. if he had been just as cruel verbally to her) and thus getting sympathy from TSR. I think that's all Kousar was trying to say - not that women aren't capable of being horrendously *****y, which I appreciate they are.

    Also, I hope you're not trying to generalise when you said "you clearly don't know a lot about women." There are plenty of women who would never ***** and would rather settle a fight with their fist. Alternatively, I have encountered enough *****y men in my lifetime as well.
    Agreed. I couldn't believe how *****y some boys can be but my brothers friends were as bad as girls, my mum said she'd never seen boys that were so catty. They were horrid, can't say I'm sorry he never speaks to them anymore.
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    ***** had it coming. What an awful thing to say - the whole "don't hit women" crap is wrong, it's sexist to exclude them. If a guy said that you'd paste him one so don't feel like "omg she's a woman i hit her" because she deserved it.
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    (Original post by Ice Constricter)
    Save the anecdotes for another day. I was referring to the bit in bold where you said that anyone that can't control their anger in any situation has anger issues - that obviously isn't true.
    Well ok if someone is pumelling them, their relatives or their friend/gf in the face, that is an acceptable point to lose your temper. Or anything involving raping/weapons. I would say that is proportional reaction though and I don't think many people would argue otherwise.

    Meeting words with violence is not proportional
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    (Original post by CJKay)
    That wasn't just verbal - it was mental as well as emotional abuse which can be as, if not more, potent and damaging than physical assault. She didn't shout, "omg you're so annoying!". She shoved him, interrupted his work, then told him, solely out of spite, that it was his behaviour that caused the death of his father.

    So, I would put forward that his reaction was actually much less proportionate than would have been expected. Two basic punches lasts at most a week, but something like that can leave scars for the rest of your remaining life on Earth. Like someone else said above: "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will leave psychological scars that will haunt forever".
    It is much more satisfying effective and appropriate to work things through verbally than to turn to violence, to think otherwise is naive.

    As someone who was bullied from the ages 3 through to 18 both physically and mentally and has been an a mentally abusive relationship previously for 18 months, in my experience violence just makes things 1000 times worse.
 
 
 
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