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    (Original post by Need help atm)
    Hi,
    So I made a thread a few days ago asking for advice on what to do Ayer punching my girlfriend twice. The responses were good, and I know what I did was horrible.

    Since then, my now ex as broken up with me and told everyone her side of the story; she hasn't told anyone about her verbal abuse. A few of my mates believe me as are sympathetic, but the majority are distant and think it's brutal that I punched we twice. They don't understand just how ashamed I feel for my actions, but the don't believe me when I tell them about her verbal abuse. As for her physical provocations e.g. Shoving me about, they really couldn't care less, because she's a girl, and I should've taken it.

    My mum is no longer speaking to me after my ex's parents got involved and called her to let her know what I'd done. She's ashamed of me, and said that my dad would be, too. This is really, really killing me.
    I feel like I have no-one on my side. I can't believe that one moment of anger and loss of control has genuinely ruined my life.
    I'm considering dropping out of uni as word has spread over here (my ex and I both attend the same uni) and I feel filled with remorse, but her actions and lies are ruining everything
    I have been through a lot and I've got one piece of advice for you - "This too will pass". Chin up, don't quit it'll get better
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    Op it'll blow over. I still stand by what I said before about gettiang counselling though as not only will it help you but it will show others you are attempting to help yourself which puts you in a much better light.
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    Don't drop out of uni. Continue your life, tell people your side when they are willing to listen and put on a smile.

    You made a mistake, we all do it sometimes. Best thing to do is wait it out, people won't be annoyed forever. Don't let it hold back your life, you shouldn't have hurt her physically but she shouldn't have hurt you emotionally. Unfortunately her side is easier to forgive and believe than yours. Just continue living, don't waste time desperately pleading or telling your side relentlessly because people will only listen when they want to. Just give it time.


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    Have you managed to apologise to her op? When my bf split up with his ex she punched him in the face repeatedly and noone talked to her for about 6 months until she apologised. She left him with a pretty bad black eye and cheek. Did your gf show any physical marks? If not that will probably help people get over it quicker.

    Even if she wont apologise show everyone you are the bigger person by saying sorry
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    I'm on your side. Remember - a Jedi's strength flows from the force.
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    I haven't read your other thread, but it sounds like you're blaming her for your violence.

    Edit: I just read the other thread and I have no idea why other people are defending him so much, it's disgusting. He punched her because of things she was SAYING. There was no physical violence on her part (in this thread he said she was shoving him around, but on the other thread he just said she removed his finger from the book he was reading, which obviously means he's trying to escalate what she apparently did).

    Physical violence should never be a response to anything verbal. There is literally no excuse for it. Not to mention that you're not hearing her part of the story and you don't know what's been said on his part. All the support that this guy is getting from this forum is basically self validation and it isn't deserved in the slightest. By validating him you're making him more likely to feel justified in doing this sort of thing again in the future.

    To the OP: get counselling and sort your anger out. As awful as it might be, punching someone TWICE for saying something about a dead relative is not something most people would do. "I lost it" is not an excuse and it will never be accepted by anyone with a sane mind. The only reason that people in real life are taking your girlfriend's side is because they've heard her side of the story and yours too, so they obviously made their own minds up. This forum only heard your side of it, and you shouldn't take comfort in what they're saying.
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    (Original post by Dragonfly07)
    I haven't read your other thread, but it sounds like you're blaming her for your violence.
    From what I can tell, ex-gf was being abusive verbally. This went on for a while, one day she was shoving him while being abusive. She is surprised that he hit her and played the victim while people only took her side of the story and white knighted that girl. Causing this dude depression.
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    (Original post by bottled)
    From what I can tell, ex-gf was being abusive verbally. This went on for a while, one day she was shoving him while being abusive. She is surprised that he hit her and played the victim while people only took her side of the story and white knighted that girl. Causing this dude depression.
    Please read my edit.
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    Don't drop out. Ignore the idiots who comment on what you did.
    Your mum will come around eventually.
    Your ex-girlfriend was completely in the wrong, she is the one who needs counselling for her anger issues and not respecting her boyfriend. Don't feel for what you did, she is an utter *****.
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    (Original post by Dragonfly07)
    I haven't read your other thread, but it sounds like you're blaming her for your violence.

    Edit: I just read the other thread and I have no idea why other people are defending him so much, it's disgusting. He punched her because of things she was SAYING. There was no physical violence on her part (in this thread he said she was shoving him around, but on the other thread he just said she removed his finger from the book he was reading, which obviously means he's trying to escalate what she apparently did).

    Physical violence should never be a response to anything verbal. There is literally no excuse for it. Not to mention that you're not hearing her part of the story and you don't know what's been said on his part. All the support that this guy is getting from this forum is basically self validation and it isn't deserved in the slightest. By validating him you're making him more likely to feel justified in doing this sort of thing again in the future.

    To the OP: get counselling and sort your anger out. As awful as it might be, punching someone TWICE for saying something about a dead relative is not something most people would do. "I lost it" is not an excuse and it will never be accepted by anyone with a sane mind. The only reason that people in real life are taking your girlfriend's side is because they've heard her side of the story and yours too, so they obviously made their own minds up. This forum only heard your side of it, and you shouldn't take comfort in what they're saying.
    "I lost it" is, for me, a perfectly viable excuse in that situation and, as has been mentioned above, is enshrined in law to mitigate crimes as serious as murder. But it seems that, though physical assault is piddling by comparison, because this situation involves an interaction between a man and a woman you do not consider this applicable.

    It is absolutely disgusting to say something like she said. While it's a sad state of affairs all round, he cannot be blamed for acting irrationally in this case. Remember that most men have some measure of natural aggression and they are constantly censuring themselves for signs of abusive behaviour.

    Of course physical violence should never be a response to a verbal attack. However, this is the real world, where people often act impulsively rather than rationally. Coupled with a history of emotional abuse on the part of the girl, and her goading him physically by pushing, and then the contemptible dead person comment, it is really not surprising that he reacted impulsively. You might expect a woman in such a situation to hit her partner as well, and that is from a gender with less potential for animal aggression.

    The advice to take away from this for men is to break up with your girlfriend if she becomes emotionally abusive rather than wait for a flashpoint like this to happen. They must not suppress their feelings just because they feel that as men they should be able to take it.
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    Although what you did was wrong, it is obvious that she has been pushing you for some time, and it has just got to you. She is not worth the hassle, and through everything that has happened, you have found out who really cares about you, and who your true friends are. Speak to your Mum about it, go and see her, explain everything that has been going on, and she should listen to you. Just stick by your friends, stick in at uni and you will get through it in time. You will feel even worse about what has happened if you decide to leave uni, as you will look back on it and see only negatives.. if you finish uni, you will have a degree and career prospects and can build up your life again.
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    (Original post by scrotgrot)
    "I lost it" is, for me, a perfectly viable excuse in that situation and, as has been mentioned above, is enshrined in law to mitigate crimes as serious as murder. But it seems that, though physical assault is piddling by comparison, because this situation involves an interaction between a man and a woman you do not consider this applicable.

    It is absolutely disgusting to say something like she said. While it's a sad state of affairs all round, he cannot be blamed for acting irrationally in this case. Remember that most men have some measure of natural aggression and they are constantly censuring themselves for signs of abusive behaviour.
    "I lost is" is never a viable response for anything. People can always restrain themselves no matter how angry they are. I would be able to restrain myself if my boyfriend said something like that to me.

    If "I lost it" was a good response then people would never be in jail for murdering people who called them *****.

    As for "all men are aggressive", that's a ridiculous excuse and I think most men would disagree with you that their aggressiveness overtakes their rational thinking.

    Of course physical violence should never be a response to a verbal attack. However, this is the real world, where people often act impulsively rather than rationally. Coupled with a history of emotional abuse on the part of the girl, and her goading him physically by pushing, and then the contemptible dead person comment, it is really not surprising that he reacted impulsively. You might expect a woman in such a situation to hit her partner as well, and that is from a gender with less potential for animal aggression.

    The advice to take away from this for men is to break up with your girlfriend if she becomes emotionally abusive rather than wait for a flashpoint like this to happen. They must not suppress their feelings just because they feel that as men they should be able to take it.
    I know for a fact that if I was in that situation I would not hit anyone and I would be able to restrain myself. Also, call it as sexist as you like but I don't think that it's nearly as bad when a woman hits a man than when a man hits a woman. I'm a fairly strong woman and if I ever pushed my boyfriend he would barely budge (tried that), whereas if he pushed me (and he did that before) I wouldn't be able to stay standing.

    Also an important point: he punched her twice, not once. If it truly was impulsive then after the first punch he would be horrified at what he did and stop. I think that he's just trying to make excuses for himself.
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    Have you considered going to the Student Counselling service to see if it is possible to get some help with anger management. If others see you are trying to address the problem, even if you were provoked, they will be more sympathetic to you. Yes it was wrong, Yes you were provoked, Yes you feel ashamed, but add a Yes you are doing something about it.
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    Where did the punches land? I mean if they were on the arm then it's not say as bad as a falcon punch..
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    Finish her.
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    (Original post by Dragonfly07)
    "I lost is" is never a viable response for anything. People can always restrain themselves no matter how angry they are. I would be able to restrain myself if my boyfriend said something like that to me.

    If "I lost it" was a good response then people would never be in jail for murdering people who called them *****.
    Never? Always? It's not that black-and-white on the ground: as has been stated, you'll still go to jail for murdering someone, but not for as long (under the charge of manslaughter). This is as it should be. All mitigating factors should be weighed up, I'd say it's rarer for someone to be 100% the bad/good guy than otherwise.

    As for "all men are aggressive", that's a ridiculous excuse and I think most men would disagree with you that their aggressiveness overtakes their rational thinking.
    Of course, however, this was an extreme situation. Everyone, everyone, has some sort of line after which the red mist comes down, that is to say, their impulsivity, animal side, id, whatever you want to call it, can no longer be held in check by rationality as happens in 99% of other cases.

    I know for a fact that if I was in that situation I would not hit anyone and I would be able to restrain myself.
    I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be so sure. I am a ridiculously restrained person myself and have never really been in a red-mist situation. But despite my beliefs about myself, pushed to that extreme, I would. Our principles come from our rational side and are powerless in the face of the red mist. The personality (including stuff like "I'm not the type to hit anyone") is an illusion formed by beliefs about yourself.

    Also, call it as sexist as you like but I don't think that it's nearly as bad when a woman hits a man than when a man hits a woman. I'm a fairly strong woman and if I ever pushed my boyfriend he would barely budge (tried that), whereas if he pushed me (and he did that before) I wouldn't be able to stay standing.
    I don't call that a sexist viewpoint. But it is more difficult to ignore words when they are coupled with physical intimidation. This is because physical stuff speaks more to our instincts, we've been beating each other up since long before we could trade insults. We can sort of turn our ears off if we need to but we can't put up a forcefield around our body. Physical elements heighten the perceived threat level.

    Also an important point: he punched her twice, not once. If it truly was impulsive then after the first punch he would be horrified at what he did and stop. I think that he's just trying to make excuses for himself.
    It is a valid concern that we only have his side of the story, of course. But if we take him at his word, I don't believe that he is as far in the wrong as you made out in your post.

    Being avoidant of conflict myself, I have little experience with the actual way red-mist anger manifests. I don't think we can assume that rage necessarily dissipates with one punch. I suspect it would tend to be measured in "time spent raging" rather than "number of cathartic actions taken". For a parallel, maybe look to school shooters?
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    (Original post by Dragonfly07)
    "I lost is" is never a viable response for anything. People can always restrain themselves no matter how angry they are. I would be able to restrain myself if my boyfriend said something like that to me.

    If "I lost it" was a good response then people would never be in jail for murdering people who called them *****.

    As for "all men are aggressive", that's a ridiculous excuse and I think most men would disagree with you that their aggressiveness overtakes their rational thinking.



    I know for a fact that if I was in that situation I would not hit anyone and I would be able to restrain myself. Also, call it as sexist as you like but I don't think that it's nearly as bad when a woman hits a man than when a man hits a woman. I'm a fairly strong woman and if I ever pushed my boyfriend he would barely budge (tried that), whereas if he pushed me (and he did that before) I wouldn't be able to stay standing.

    Also an important point: he punched her twice, not once. If it truly was impulsive then after the first punch he would be horrified at what he did and stop. I think that he's just trying to make excuses for himself.

    just thought id put my two cents in -

    personal q, but has your dad died? if he hasnt then you really wouldnt know how it feels. my boyfriend's dad died and it really messed him up, and id know if i ever said something as malicious as what OP's ex said, id deserve more than 2 punches (honest opinion)

    i think if the OP punched her before she brought his dad into it in an aweful way, then yes thered be no reason. but saying that his dad died coz he didnt want to see him anymore is just cruel and evil

    one punch, two punches, he still stopped. if it was more than 5 probavly taking it too far.

    again, my opinion.

    i think the OP should tell his mother word for word what his ex said to him and stick by the real friends that believe him.

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    that's disgusting, im not surprised people are not talking to you. if you have the guts to punch someone, especially if you're in a relationship with them, then you should have the guts to cope with the consequences of your actions. No matter what she said to you, you should never lay a finger on anyone, so you deserve what you get. there is a huge difference between being verbal and being physical so you do not deserve any sympathy, you can control your fist so do not be looking excuses now. There are plenty of people who have gone through worse situations than you, for example abusive families AND relationships but they do not lash out on people, instead on things like objects or do the justified thing like go for a walk. im sure you wouldn't like getting punched so deal with the consequences of your actions instead of hiding behind everyone, and everyone stop giving him a chance to feel justified, no need to pacify him.
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    I think everything has been pretty much said above, but I want to add one little thing:

    See it positive, if all this wouldn't have happened you would have stayed together with this ***** and sooner or later you this side of her would've. At least now you don't have this ***** as your girlfriend anymore.
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    (Original post by Monkey ears)
    that's disgusting, im not surprised people are not talking to you. if you have the guts to punch someone, especially if you're in a relationship with them, then you should have the guts to cope with the consequences of your actions. No matter what she said to you, you should never lay a finger on anyone, so you deserve what you get. there is a huge difference between being verbal and being physical so you do not deserve any sympathy, you can control your fist so do not be looking excuses now. There are plenty of people who have gone through worse situations than you, for example abusive families AND relationships but they do not lash out on people, instead on things like objects or do the justified thing like go for a walk. im sure you wouldn't like getting punched so deal with the consequences of your actions instead of hiding behind everyone, and everyone stop giving him a chance to feel justified, no need to pacify him.
    His dad died. His girlfriend was abusive to him. Women and men are both motivated to lash out in certain situations, it's just men cause more damage, and therefore they restrain themselves more. I am completely unsurprised that he was not able to restrain himself in view of the comment, which came in the context of an emotionally abusive relationship and leveraged his dead father to facilitate this abuse.

    It is clear that everyone in real life for him knows little about the circumstances and are judging him. Words on a forum are more permanent than verbal defences which is why TSR has understood him. We can and should provide support for him in this difficult time, where he is no doubt questioning his own nature, feeling remorse, feeling shame and feeling like he will be "run out of town" by people.
 
 
 
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