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    Hi! Just wondered how you might interpret this situation.

    I met a guy about 2 months ago on a dating site. On the first date we got chatting about how we found the site and I said it annoyed me when guys would write to me obviously just after one thing, which I'm not after as I would have written 'looking for casual sex' in my profile. So he knew from the start I was looking for something a bit more serious.

    I normally wait a while before sleeping with someone, but with this guy it ended up being after about 2 weeks (about the 5th date in). Since then we've had sex most times we've met up.

    About a month into 'it' I asked him what he was looking for (maybe that seems a bit early, but I just wanted to know we were hopefully on the same page) and he said he'd like to take it slowly as he'd only broken up with his gf about 3 months ago (I expected him to say this so it was fine with me), but then he said 'so I guess you could say we're friends with benefits' :eek: I was really hurt by this as he'd known from the start this wasn't what I wanted and I felt like he'd led me on!
    I left and over the next few days I was distant with him and even cancelled a date because I just didn't want to see him. A few days later he wanted to meet up so I agreed so I could get some things off my chest. It turns out I'd misunderstood him (how, may I ask?) and he thought FWB was what you called it before you were in a relationship with someone. Now, English isn't his first language, but he is fluent so I don't know how he couldn't have known what this meant.

    I decided to give him another chance and we kept meeting up, but I couldn't get it out of my mind that it was just sex he was after and maybe he was just pretending it was more so that we could keep meeting up and therefore he'd get what he wanted.

    One night he asked to come over and I said 'you can, but I'm on my period so you probably won't want to come over' and he seemed shocked I'd said that and he said 'it's not just sex I want - I enjoy hanging out with you'.

    He does put a lot of effort in during the dates (even when we don't have sex) such as going to concerts, going go-karting, going to comedy nights...etc.

    I'm really confused. My friends say I should just ride with it (excuse the pun) and see where it goes, but I don't want to let myself fall for him if he's just playing me. Even if it were just sex I were after too, I still wouldn't stay as it's not even that good to be honest - he's quite selfish in bed. I just really like him though - we have such a laugh together and I enjoy his company.

    He's been away for 2 weeks now and wrote to me the other day telling me how horny he was and couldn't wait for sex when he got back. I would much rather him say he missed me or something, not just the sex

    Sorry for the length. I'm not sure what to do. I know it's normal to have quite a lot of sex at the start of a relationship, so I'm not sure if I'm overthinking this
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi! Just wondered how you might interpret this situation.

    I met a guy about 2 months ago on a dating site. On the first date we got chatting about how we found the site and I said it annoyed me when guys would write to me obviously just after one thing, which I'm not after as I would have written 'looking for casual sex' in my profile. So he knew from the start I was looking for something a bit more serious.

    I normally wait a while before sleeping with someone, but with this guy it ended up being after about 2 weeks (about the 5th date in). Since then we've had sex most times we've met up.

    About a month into 'it' I asked him what he was looking for (maybe that seems a bit early, but I just wanted to know we were hopefully on the same page) and he said he'd like to take it slowly as he'd only broken up with his gf about 3 months ago (I expected him to say this so it was fine with me), but then he said 'so I guess you could say we're friends with benefits' :eek: I was really hurt by this as he'd known from the start this wasn't what I wanted and I felt like he'd led me on!
    I left and over the next few days I was distant with him and even cancelled a date because I just didn't want to see him. A few days later he wanted to meet up so I agreed so I could get some things off my chest. It turns out I'd misunderstood him (how, may I ask?) and he thought FWB was what you called it before you were in a relationship with someone. Now, English isn't his first language, but he is fluent so I don't know how he couldn't have known what this meant.

    I decided to give him another chance and we kept meeting up, but I couldn't get it out of my mind that it was just sex he was after and maybe he was just pretending it was more so that we could keep meeting up and therefore he'd get what he wanted.

    One night he asked to come over and I said 'you can, but I'm on my period so you probably won't want to come over' and he seemed shocked I'd said that and he said 'it's not just sex I want - I enjoy hanging out with you'.

    He does put a lot of effort in during the dates (even when we don't have sex) such as going to concerts, going go-karting, going to comedy nights...etc.

    I'm really confused. My friends say I should just ride with it (excuse the pun) and see where it goes, but I don't want to let myself fall for him if he's just playing me. Even if it were just sex I were after too, I still wouldn't stay as it's not even that good to be honest - he's quite selfish in bed. I just really like him though - we have such a laugh together and I enjoy his company.

    He's been away for 2 weeks now and wrote to me the other day telling me how horny he was and couldn't wait for sex when he got back. I would much rather him say he missed me or something, not just the sex

    Sorry for the length. I'm not sure what to do. I know it's normal to have quite a lot of sex at the start of a relationship, so I'm not sure if I'm overthinking this
    I'd stick with him for now. It sounds like you like him quite a bit and as far as I can see he does seem to want more than just sex. I think the friends with benefits thing does sound like a genuine misunderstanding.
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    isnt that a risk everyone has to take (regardless of whether it occurred from a dating site or not)?

    you have to risk putting yourself out there. if youre lucky, youve got what you wanted (i assume a relationship), if youre unlucky, you got led on for sex.

    since you dont have a truth detector, id imagine the only way you could find out is if you carry on seeing him, knowing full well that it could go good or bad, and judge by your experience through all this whether you can trust him or not.

    i assume if you dump him, youll still face the same problem if you meet someone else, whether you meet them online or not


    then again, im no expert in this, so i could just be talking nonsense
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    If you want more than just sex and are worried that he's in it for the wrong reasons, eliminate the sex for a while or turn it down so that sex is limited. It won't be long before he decides whether or not he's in it, or he's off to find a new conquest.
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    Probably
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    It doesn't sound like it's just about sex.

    Chill.

    Give it more time and hopefully things will develop naturally.

    Is it him you actually like, or just the hopes of a serious relationship. (You didn't mention why you like him or anything other than that you want a serious relationship)
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    Difficult one. Withhold sex for a month or so, when he asks why not just say you don't feel like it/don't want to. I think that is the best way to find out. If he is still wanting to see you after the month then he's in it for more or genuinely enjoys your company, if he becomes distant then he was looking for sex.

    You shouldn't have had sex with him so quickly if you were looking for a serious relationship. Why would he commit when he has all the benefits without the difficult aspects? Learn this in future, no sexual relations at all until you're in a solid relationship for a few months. It should be the number one rule when looking for something serious as a women.

    Also, if he says he wants to take it slow, then he wants to take it slow. Don't expect any commitment from this man for a good few months. I think the biggest mistake women make in relationships is wishful thinking. So many of my friends have been shocked that a man doesn't want to commit after he explicitly says he doesn't want a relationship, it's ridiculous.
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    Don't have sex with him for a while, just say that you enjoy getting to know him and feel that it is maybe getting in the way of that for a bit. Men have needs too, but a few weeks is nothing, and if he goes looking elsewhere then you know he is just bothered with getting you into bed! From experiences my friends have had and some male friends that use online dating, all of the women have found that despite dates all of them have just wanted sex when it came down to it, and the men that use them do so as they see the women resorting to them as being likely to be content with any attention and therefore okay to string along. I know that sounds mean and not everyone is the same, but an average looking man with some degree of confidence could find someone 'in the real world', and those that turn to internet dating yet manage to successfully build relationships of some description are usually playing the game and well practiced. If he missed you then he would tell you that, mentioning that he misses sex is playful yet also shows what he associates with you and the level of respect he has. My opinion? Talk to him about where he sees it going, even though he is newly single (or so he says...) if you feel like you like him and will wind up hurt then there is no harm. You may lose him as he decides he only wants to be friends with benefits, but it is better now then months down the line when you are attached. Many men are good at knowing what women want to hear, if you can happily keep going with it as it is then do, but seen as though you have posted on an internet site saying you are confused then it might be time to act.
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    (Original post by llessur123)
    You shouldn't have had sex with him so quickly if you were looking for a serious relationship. Why would he commit when he has all the benefits without the difficult aspects?.
    Is sex the only benefit you see being derived from relationships? If so, that's kind of sad.
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    Thanks for taking time to reply, everyone

    Reading back on what I wrote it does kind of sound like I'm just desperate for a relationship, but I'm really not - I'm trying to find the right person (aren't we all? ) and definitely wouldn't just settle for anyone.

    My ex was emotionally abusive and I guess this is why I don't feel like a guy would want me other than to have sex with so I know this is something I have to work on - it's not the new guy's fault.

    He's back this weekend from being away and he's invited me to a bar with his mates, none of whom I've met yet so I guess this could tell me how serious he is about me with how he introduces me to his mates and how he acts with me around them
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    As long as you are happy as things are then that is all that matters. The only thing I guess is the fact that he could sleep with/date someone else and it wouldn't be wrong at this stage. Not saying he will of course, but as long as you can deal with that possibility then yeah just enjoy it
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    (Original post by nicatre)
    Is sex the only benefit you see being derived from relationships? If so, that's kind of sad.
    No, but for young men it is one of the biggest benefits. I'm just being realistic, if you're a young women looking for a relationship and you ignore this fact then you're going to run into a lot of hassle and probably pain.

    Avoiding sex until you're in a relationship is one of the most common pieces of dating advice out there, there is a blatantly obvious reason for that.
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    If you're unhappy with him being selfish in bed, you need to tell him. He's probably not even aware that you feel like that and isn't going to change his behaviour if you don't tell him. Good luck. x
 
 
 
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