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Boyfriend cheated in past relationship Watch

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    First and foremost, I am very happy with my boyfriend. However, I know that he cheated on his ex girlfriend with a friend of mine, quite frequently, during their relationship and it’s a niggle that won’t go away.

    He doesn't know that I know he's cheated on his past girlfriend. I really, really want to talk about it but if I bring it up, I’m fairly sure that he will completely deny it (perhaps this is what annoys me most; I’ve made it clear that above all else I value honesty)

    If he denies it, we can’t even talk about it and then I don’t know what I’d do... How do I approach this with him? What happens if he does deny it? How do I trust him then?!?

    I don’t believe it’s “once a cheater, always a cheater” but then again, I never thought I’d end up in a relationship with a guy who has a cheating past. Gahhhh, help!
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    If you're worried, then you have every reason to talk to him about it. Try not to be hysterical, it's not always 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. However, it's essential that you air your concerns.
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    If you don't trust him then you shouldn't be with him.
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    I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned this to you already. You at least need him to re-assure you it won't happen in your relationship, and for this to happen you need to ask him what his motives were and get him to be honest.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    First and foremost, I am very happy with my boyfriend. However, I know that he cheated on his ex girlfriend with a friend of mine, quite frequently, during their relationship and it’s a niggle that won’t go away.

    He doesn't know that I know he's cheated on his past girlfriend. I really, really want to talk about it but if I bring it up, I’m fairly sure that he will completely deny it (perhaps this is what annoys me most; I’ve made it clear that above all else I value honesty)

    If he denies it, we can’t even talk about it and then I don’t know what I’d do... How do I approach this with him? What happens if he does deny it? How do I trust him then?!?

    I don’t believe it’s “once a cheater, always a cheater” but then again, I never thought I’d end up in a relationship with a guy who has a cheating past. Gahhhh, help!
    Why don't you talk to him about it? From what you've said, you're afraid he'll deny it, hence lying which is a no-no for you in a relationship. It's like you're pretending he's not cheated. On that note, how sure are you that he did cheat? If he doesn't know you know, then presumably it's a rumour, and exes have a tendency to spread false ones.

    (Original post by Quilt)
    I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned this to you already. You at least need him to re-assure you it won't happen in your relationship, and for this to happen you need to ask him what his motives were and get him to be honest.
    Why are you surprised? Even if he's 'reformed' and won't cheat again, it's something he'd be ashamed of so wouldn't want to talk about, plus it'd jeopardise his current relationship.
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    (Original post by Hopple)
    Why are you surprised? Even if he's 'reformed' and won't cheat again, it's something he'd be ashamed of so wouldn't want to talk about, plus it'd jeopardise his current relationship.
    Because it's a big thing. To me, not being told that my boyfriend had cheated in the past and having to find out myself without him even mentioning it would be a hurtful and deceitful thing in itself. If I'm going to be with someone I want to know what I'm getting myself into, if that makes sense. It'd be a contributing factor to the time it took me to fully trust the person.
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    (Original post by Hopple)
    Why don't you talk to him about it? From what you've said, you're afraid he'll deny it, hence lying which is a no-no for you in a relationship. It's like you're pretending he's not cheated. On that note, how sure are you that he did cheat? If he doesn't know you know, then presumably it's a rumour, and exes have a tendency to spread false ones.
    No, he definitely did cheat on her - i'm absolutely certain about that


    In the weeks leading up to our relationship when we were getting closer, spending loads of time together, having our first kiss - things like that - I got told that he was also 'seeing' the same person he was during his ex relationship. It did hurt me I guess but I never really saw our relationship as being that serious so it felt like it didn't matter so much...

    When we did get together properly, I asked him about it and he categorically denied it, even getting angry that someone was 'spreading lies' about him. I asked again a couple days later because I had heard more things and he admitted that he had lied to me and that he had been seeing her.

    That's why I think he'll deny it if I ask him because he denied it for something that is less important to me than this. Ho hum... I'm seeing him on Friday, I guess I'll ask to talk about it then and see what he says!
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    (Original post by Quilt)
    Because it's a big thing. To me, not being told that my boyfriend had cheated in the past and having to find out myself without him even mentioning it would be a hurtful and deceitful thing in itself. If I'm going to be with someone I want to know what I'm getting myself into, if that makes sense. It'd be a contributing factor to the time it took me to fully trust the person.
    Well, he'd be hoping that you didn't find out. He has two choices, tell you or not. If he tells you, you might accept it or you might dump him. If he doesn't tell you, you might find out anyway in which case you might dump him or you won't find out in which case you won't dump him (at least, not for that reason). Can't you see why someone would want to keep secret something that might jeopardise their relationship?

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    No, he definitely did cheat on her - i'm absolutely certain about that


    In the weeks leading up to our relationship when we were getting closer, spending loads of time together, having our first kiss - things like that - I got told that he was also 'seeing' the same person he was during his ex relationship. It did hurt me I guess but I never really saw our relationship as being that serious so it felt like it didn't matter so much...

    When we did get together properly, I asked him about it and he categorically denied it, even getting angry that someone was 'spreading lies' about him. I asked again a couple days later because I had heard more things and he admitted that he had lied to me and that he had been seeing her.

    That's why I think he'll deny it if I ask him because he denied it for something that is less important to me than this. Ho hum... I'm seeing him on Friday, I guess I'll ask to talk about it then and see what he says!
    Yeah, I think you've got to talk to him about it if it's on your mind. If he does deny it and you are certain he's lying, you could give him a last chance to explain himself (by telling him you know for sure), but otherwise it seems like his honesty in that area is too important to you for you to overlook it.
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    Talk to him about it and establish the reasons he did it.
    Then look at your relationship with him and see if the reasons are also there in yours...

    People can change... Or there would be no hope for any of us.
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    Going into a relationship hoping or forcing yourself to trust your partner is rediculous, trust is so easily and more often than not abused and misplaced. I've found it healthiest to take the stance that if you were to become aware of any cheating against you it wouldn't bother you all that much and you'd be able to deal with the situation appropriately, ending it.

    You don't worry about something that you don't fear, and knowing that he has cheated before gives you reason to fear. It wouldn't be a situation I'd voluntarily get myself involved in.
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    There are two ways to look at this. He's with you now and your relationship is better than the others, so he won't cheat. Or, he still isn't satisfied with being monogamous and will probably wind up (or is currently) cheating. If you think it's a big deal, then talk about it. If you can't talk about things in your relationship, what kind of relationship is it? If he doesn't want to talk about it, you basically have your answer.
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    (Original post by Hopple)
    Well, he'd be hoping that you didn't find out. He has two choices, tell you or not. If he tells you, you might accept it or you might dump him. If he doesn't tell you, you might find out anyway in which case you might dump him or you won't find out in which case you won't dump him (at least, not for that reason). Can't you see why someone would want to keep secret something that might jeopardise their relationship?
    Yes, of course he'd be hoping that you don't find out but I'd definitely want to. If he told me, I'd see it as a new page where by admitting to it reduces his motives to do it again. If it's kept a secret then if I found out I'd be left wondering whether he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to know about that side of his life; suggesting that it's still a part of his life.

    I wouldn't dump someone I was happy with for admitting to me that they'd cheated in a past relationship and if their admittance to that was a promise for it not to happen again, but I would be inclined to dump somebody if after being together for a fair while I found out that they'd once been a cheat and I didn't even know that about them.
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    (Original post by Quilt)
    Yes, of course he'd be hoping that you don't find out but I'd definitely want to. If he told me, I'd see it as a new page where by admitting to it reduces his motives to do it again. If it's kept a secret then if I found out I'd be left wondering whether he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to know about that side of his life; suggesting that it's still a part of his life.

    I wouldn't dump someone I was happy with for admitting to me that they'd cheated in a past relationship and if their admittance to that was a promise for it not to happen again, but I would be inclined to dump somebody if after being together for a fair while I found out that they'd once been a cheat and I didn't even know that about them.
    That's why you want to know, but I really can't see why you can't understand why someone would want to keep that a secret. People keep a secret on the presumption that it won't get found out, so saying what would happen if you found out doesn't really apply.
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    Just ask him about it.

    I would be very careful around anyone who's ever cheated, but maybe I'm jaded by my past experiences.
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    I think you should talk to him, also everyone makes mistakes it's just important that we learn from... in his case not to do it again
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    (Original post by Hopple)
    That's why you want to know, but I really can't see why you can't understand why someone would want to keep that a secret. People keep a secret on the presumption that it won't get found out, so saying what would happen if you found out doesn't really apply.
    I see why they'd want to keep it a secret too, because it's a disgusting thing to do, but that doesn't mean it's RIGHT to keep it a secret. It's nice to know to what extent you can trust someone based on their past and how much work they need to put in to gain your trust at present/in future.
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    (Original post by Quilt)
    I see why they'd want to keep it a secret too, because it's a disgusting thing to do, but that doesn't mean it's RIGHT to keep it a secret. It's nice to know to what extent you can trust someone based on their past and how much work they need to put in to gain your trust at present/in future.
    So why are you surprised? Whether it's right or not to keep such a (or any) secret is nothing to do with whether it's a surprising thing for him to do.
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    (Original post by Hopple)
    So why are you surprised? Whether it's right or not to keep such a (or any) secret is nothing to do with whether it's a surprising thing for him to do.
    Because OP stated that she's "very happy" with her boyfriend, and I also got the impression that they'd been together a while, and it surprised me that he'd not yet admitted to her about his past. It seems like purposely missing out the negatives in yourself to somebody you're with is just hiding your flaws and is not a honest way of entering or continuing a relationship. You're not suppose to hide things like that from your partner, especially when they could essentially have impact on your life and your relationship with them.

    I don't really think this needs much more justification, if you think it's morally acceptable to not tell a current partner that you've previously been deceitful regardless of whether you've changed or not then that's totally up to you :rolleyes:.
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    (Original post by Quilt)
    Because OP stated that she's "very happy" with her boyfriend, and I also got the impression that they'd been together a while, and it surprised me that he'd not yet admitted to her about his past. It seems like purposely missing out the negatives in yourself to somebody you're with is just hiding your flaws and is not a honest way of entering or continuing a relationship. You're not suppose to hide things like that from your partner, especially when they could essentially have impact on your life and your relationship with them.

    I don't really think this needs much more justification, if you think it's morally acceptable to not tell a current partner that you've previously been deceitful regardless of whether you've changed or not then that's totally up to you :rolleyes:.
    Lol, I'm not saying he's doing the right thing, just it can appear to be a sensible option for some people in that situation so isn't surprising he's gone for it.
 
 
 
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