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Has my Mum got issues? Watch

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    I'm sorry it's long but I really would appreciate some advice.
    Maybe read one point from each section?
    I am quite worried about my Mum. I'm an only child and it's just me and her.

    Her divorce

    *She has had a bad divorce with my Father (she initiated it because he put her through a lot) This has been dragging on for 16/17 years now.
    "If it wasn't for this nonsense I would be in my dream house right now, dream cars, I wouldn't have had my credit cards taken away, no legal fees etc.

    -I recently cut all contact with him, all she said "What took you so long. If that was me I would have done it ages ago. You were just holding on hoping he would change, how many times must I tell you he will never change."

    *She has mentioned several times now "All that money you made me waste on private school. I could have bought a house with that/ I could have gone on holiday/ I could have invested it or / I didn't send you to private school all those years for you to become -insert random job here-. If I had a fraction of what you kids have these days I'd be rich."

    (I must mention I was slightly misbehaved at school, was a very angry kid, abandonment, emotional neglect and slight physical abuse from my Father, I lived with Mum so unfortunately she got most of my anger).

    *She keeps complaining that if I wasn't here she could rent out this room and have more money.

    Being insensitive
    *When she says things that hurt me I ask her kindly to not say them, her only response is:
    "Stop being so sensitive", "You need to be more tough"
    "If you don't understand me by now then that's really sad"
    "Are you going to go and sulk now then?"
    "stop being sensitive don't go and cry now because I know how sensitive you are"

    Holiday - using me?

    She hasn't been on holiday for nearly 10 years, she wanted to go with me and my godmother. She asked me if I wanted to come, I said no, I think it's best if you go with -godmother-.
    She wasn't having any of it.
    Her: Repeatedly "But I know you'll be upset if you don't come, you'll feel sad"
    Me: "No, I would be fine actually"
    Her: "But I know how you are, you say that now but if I went you wouldn't be happy, wouldn't you be happier for coming?"
    Me: Yeah.....a little bit
    Her: A little bit? You're the only child (I'm 19) I know who doesn't get excited.
    Me: ......walks away

    So she books the holiday and admits that she only wanted me to come so she isn't stuck with my godmother..Then she went on to ask me for £400 contribution towards the holiday!
    I didn't even ask the woman to book it! I literally begged her for me not to come.

    Today

    - I vacuumed today, the first thing she could say was ' :mad: you do realise you need to polish before hoovering?'

    It seems nothing is ever good enough for her and I told her this today, what happened? She started the silent treatment, the one word answers/ grunting in response to what I say.

    Following events:

    I carry on doing what I normally do everyday.

    Asked what she wants for dinner. Answer: 'nothing'.

    Just now she went to bed. Normally she will say goodnight and I'll give her a hug. She went into her room and went straight to bed without saying anything.

    What will happen if I try and talk to her about it calmly tomorrow is she will say "Don't worry about it"

    My questions to you

    The more I think about it the more she sounds like she needs some serious help.

    *Does me being around remind her of my Father and make her angry? Does she not like me because I have his genes?

    *Does she have issues? I have recommended counselling but she says ' I don't need counselling, maybe you need counselling, but certainly not me'

    *I always feel like I'm being judged, we used to have a really good relationship but now she blames me for everything and nothing is ever her fault.

    "You used to be such a nice girl, what happened?", "We used to go out all the time but now you don't want to do anything"
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    Sounds like she hasn't got over it after all this time.

    She needs some sort of focus in her life.
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    (Original post by A5ko)
    Sounds like she hasn't got over it after all this time.

    She needs some sort of focus in her life.
    I think so too. My Father is a maniac hence why I don't talk with him. When he asked me to talk with him (after I abruptly cut contact for 8 months) all he did was talk badly about my Mum the whole time so all my life it's been a tug of war.

    Mum calls him a liar. He calls her a liar. I know my Mother is correct because of all the paperwork, letters and things. They are both brain washers in their own little way.

    She says she wants to lose weight, but then she says "oh no, the weather isn't too good outside, when it gets warmer I'll go" There has been lots of nice days she could have gone she just makes up excuses.

    I was up late/early last night starting a diary. One day she can read it and (hopefully) understand what she's been doing.

    She refuses to go to counselling insisting I need it so I'll just leave her alone, I've signed up for volunteering so even if I do that for a while unit I get a job at least I'll be out of the house.

    The worst thing is I used to care about my Mother and now I actually don't, I wanted to repay her for everything she has ever done but now the feeling is not there and I doubt It'll come back.
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    You obviously do still care or you wouldn't have taken the time to write all that out, you wouldn't be worrying about her

    Its hard for someone to accept they need help when they don't think they do. & It does sound like she's been through a lot, it sounds like you both have. I think all you can really do is focus on your own life & make sure you're happy, & try not to take what she says/does to heart too much. Easier said than done i know, but otherwise you risk constantly feeling inadequate because your mum doesn't approve of what you're doing. Be strong & she'll see that you are & hopefully it'll inspire her to do the same.

    I hope this helps a bit!
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    (Original post by McUsername)
    You obviously do still care or you wouldn't have taken the time to write all that out, you wouldn't be worrying about her

    Its hard for someone to accept they need help when they don't think they do. & It does sound like she's been through a lot, it sounds like you both have. I think all you can really do is focus on your own life & make sure you're happy, & try not to take what she says/does to heart too much. Easier said than done i know, but otherwise you risk constantly feeling inadequate because your mum doesn't approve of what you're doing. Be strong & she'll see that you are & hopefully it'll inspire her to do the same.

    I hope this helps a bit!
    True.

    Thanks for your advice. I think I'll do just that.
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    Maybe...

    I've got issues, it's a great album:

    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/atta...d=204801&stc=1
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    (Original post by aranexus)
    Maybe...

    I've got issues, it's a great album:

    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/atta...d=204801&stc=1
    Were you trying to make a joke? Because you're not funny. At all.
    I came on here for some serious advice.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Were you trying to make a joke? Because you're not funny. At all.
    I came on here for some serious advice.
    Laughter is the best medicine...
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    (Original post by aranexus)
    Laughter is the best medicine...
    Yeah... but not all the time.
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    why does your mum think you need counselling?

    Whether she has mental issues, I don't know. But it's clear that she does have issues which need to be sorted.
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    Just throwing this out there...but could your mum be menopausal OP?. Yes she probably is stressed with life in general, but if she is going through the change then that might account for her behaviour.
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    (Original post by OU Student)
    why does your mum think you need counselling?

    Whether she has mental issues, I don't know. But it's clear that she does have issues which need to be sorted.
    Because if I say anything she brings it back to me.

    For example

    Me:Mum, can you not say that, it upsets me"
    Her: "Maybe you are too sensitive"

    Her:I need to go to the dentist
    Me: There is one right next to our doctors
    Her: I don't know why you're telling me that for. You need to go too!

    I am keeping a diary so maybe one day she'll get it.

    But for now I just stay out of her way and do as she asks without hassle. Once I go to uni next year I won't be living under her roof ever again, I'll make sure of it.

    I've actually emailed my Father and literally told him how he made me feel. I haven't told her though because I know she'll blow up in my face.

    There is a serious issue between them and I don't believe either of them have moved on from their divorce, he is still dragging her to court to this day. So she kind of has to be reminded of him whether she likes it or not. Which leads her to be more angry. And the cycle goes on.
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    (Original post by Annie72)
    Just throwing this out there...but could your mum be menopausal OP?. Yes she probably is stressed with life in general, but if she is going through the change then that might account for her behaviour.
    Do you know what that is a good point actually! She is nearly 60 and still not had menopause yet which aggravates her every month so that may be contributing!
    Thanks for that I didn't even think of it.
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    To be honest she just sounds like a miserable cow. Nothing wrong with her mental state apart from possibly depression but mentally, she's firing on all cylinders.
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    OP, I totally feel for you.
    Sorry I'm no use with advice, but she's lucky to have a son that is worried about her wellbeing :')
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    (Original post by sabian92)
    To be honest she just sounds like a miserable cow. Nothing wrong with her mental state apart from possibly depression but mentally, she's firing on all cylinders.
    Thanks for your input. But take it easy, she is still my Mum :rolleyes:
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    (Original post by Kousar)
    OP, I totally feel for you.
    Sorry I'm no use with advice, but she's lucky to have a son that is worried about her wellbeing :')

    Thank you I'm not a guy but I still thank you for the comment. That has cheered me up a lot
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    Anonymous, your mum does have problems, but they are not yours to carry around. She paid for your school fees and such because that is her job as a parent. She has to come around herself. You need to sort out your own stuff, go to uni or whatever and seek some sort of counselling so you can find your voice. She is playing mind games with you.


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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you I'm not a guy but I still thank you for the comment. That has cheered me up a lot
    Ooops sorry! No worries
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    (Original post by froggpondde)
    Anonymous, your mum does have problems, but they are not yours to carry around. She paid for your school fees and such because that is her job as a parent. She has to come around herself. You need to sort out your own stuff, go to uni or whatever and seek some sort of counselling so you can find your voice. She is playing mind games with you.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Hi, thanks for reading and responding.

    I have never been ungrateful to her and I always try my best especially now that I'm out of work. I am applying to do some volunteering work so at least I'll be out the house and can put it on my cv.

    What makes it worse is she keeps complaining, then my Father (sorry for the use of this word but I hate calling him Dad) used to say it was a waste of money. Parents aye? :rolleyes:

    As someone said above she may even be menopausal plus the fact that she has the stresses of the divorce to deal with which makes it unbearable living with her.

    So I'm keeping myself to myself, doing what needs to be done and uni next year I won't be coming back to live with her. Ever.

    Thanks a lot for your help, it means a lot
 
 
 
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