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I'm starting to think I have depression Watch

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    For about the past month to six weeks I've felt really really down, like I constantly have a pit in my stomach.

    My 'mental health' history
    I remember feeling this way when I was young between the ages of 8 and 12 when my parents were going through a bad divorce and I never spoke to anyone about it and looking back I think I had depression.

    I have suffered with panic disorder since I was about 12, I think this was triggered by my earlier feelings. It isn't too bad anymore but still effects my life, I'm 20 now.

    Generally I've been pretty happy for years until this year.

    The background
    It has been my second term at university and I am in a relationship and have really struggled with balancing university life and my life with my boyfriend. We have argued lots and it ended in me spending a lot of time with him and feeling very distanced from university. I have amazing friends at university and like my course, from the outside I looked very happy in first term. But in about January because of all this arguing I began to distance myself even when I was at university, spending a lot of time inside my room alone.

    This was a bit of a down time but nothing in comparison to what it has developed into. I have continued to argue with my boyfriend (you are probably thinking I should just end it, but I do love him so much and we just have difficult circumstances).

    But about a month ago me and my mum started arguing. When I was younger (between that 8 and 12 period) me and her had a rocky relationship. She had depression and was away from home a lot with her new boyfriend, during my parents divorce. She used to drink a lot and go out a lot and I really resented this. However we've become a lot closer since we moved house and we haven't argued in years.

    In that time she was with this one guy for years and I got on well with him. However last year it all changed, about the time I left for uni they broke up and she started going out with this other guy. To cut a long story short she pretty much has moved in with him and is obsessed with him and I feel like I did when I was younger with her never being there. We've argued a lot as I come home from uni and she just makes no effort and it makes me feel unloved.

    So we've been arguing lots and literally not speaking for weeks. I had loads of work to do at uni, was arguing with my boyfriend and have been feeling very detached from uni. On top of this my dad has possible kidney cancer and is having an operation in April so that has been an added stress

    The symptoms
    In the last month I have felt so so low. I have developed insomnia, in that I don't fall asleep until 5am-8am and even when I have a really long tiring day however tired I am I can't sleep at night as my mind switches off. I missed loads of lectures in the end of this second term because I would oversleep as I had only just fallen asleep when I was meant to be getting up. But I didn't and don't really care, I didn't feel any motivation to go in.

    I've become a bit addicted to the internet as it is my true escapism, I've started a beauty blog and it is the only thing I truely care about at the moment. I'm just indulged in this world that is kind of meaningless but I love that.

    I've cried more than I've ever cried. I'll just start crying for what seems like no reason but it'll be when I'm thinking about my home life. So much has changed for me in the last year it is just all too much.

    Before all this I was eating really healthily and cooking loads, however I've just not been eating or getting dominos or something, I just have no motivation to cook or eat really.

    Basically I just feel so down. I don't know whether I'm just getting down and it'll go away or not. My boyfriend and my mum are aware and want me to go to the doctor but I don't really want to. I was offered counselling years ago for my panic disorder and turned it down. I don't really think it can help, I don't like talking about things really. I'd rather just distract myself
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    If you'd like, come off anon and speak to me I've suffered with depression and the internet was my only escape; i enjoyed blogging. This is normal for you to want to go on the internet and distract yourself from it, but it doesnt make it any better, it just gets your mind off it for a while. Since you've had a past history of depression when your parents got divorced, which is perfectly normal; lots of children have bad experiences with their parents splitting. I know you'd rather distract yourself but it could destroy you instead of making you better. Unniversity is hard times where you have to juggle boyfriends, friends and education but your education is important and you'll have to live with it for the rest of you life. Your boyfriend and mother are only trying to help you asking you to go to the doctors, you may not want to, but it'll help you more than you think. I wasn't open to discussion on going to see a therapist, but I did and had to go through about 8 people to find the one I felt comfortable with. They don't judge you or look down theyir nose at you like a lot of people do when you tell them how you feel, but really help you. They don't solve the problem, but make you see what's causing it and reveal feelings you didn't even know were there. always here to help. Stay strong because you're doing amazing
 
 
 
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