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Read My Prologue. Tell Me What You Think! watch

    • Thread Starter

    I haven't quite got a suitable "blurb" or summary of the story intact yet, but please read the prologue draft anyway and tell me what you think :




    Hilde! Halt!”

    The entire body of some few hundred thousand men ceased marching in unison, a formidable force standing on the vast barren plane. All of the men wore golden and glistening armour with shining light-swords at their sides.

    To the rear of the large army, a small contingent of tall proud men were quickly making their way to the front of the army, the way parting for them as they quickly flew through. They were standing proudly as the golden Hoverboards whisked them through, their armour and weaponry shining ever more brightly than the rest of the army’s.

    Leading the small contingent was the tallest and most formidable of them, Sovereign Governor Hantelheiten III. His striking blue eyes boldly surveyed his glorious army and the enemy ahead. His rich dark skin shone even more than his armour in the hot and sunny weather as his blonde-black hair waved gloriously in the light wind. For a moment he proudly looked up, feeling more and more godly as he briefly glanced at the bright suns in the clear sky. Today would be his day. Again.

    The small contingent had now reached the front of the army-line and the men were now themselves in a line a little way in front of the main army, with the Sovereign a little further ahead. He jumped from his Hoverboard and strode forward, this time watching the enemy ahead closely. They were the last obstacle to great power.

    “It is not too late to stand down. It is not too late to submit to me as all of the other provinces have.” He bellowed across to the enemy.

    But still the enemy did not relent. Still, the last remaining Governor besides himself, the leader of the enemy, did not come forward and did not make any indication of surrendering or submitting to his authority.
    Once more, he tried.

    “Standing behind me are three hundred thousand great men. A little way off, many more thousands wait in reserve. Not only are you no match in number – you are no match in force or skill! Submit to my authority! The Federation no longer exists! There is now a new order. You would be foolish to reject it!”

    Still silence. Still no movement from the enemy.

    “Then so be it!”

    He turned around and raised his right arm, light-sword in hand. This gesture was answered with the loud and mighty cries of three hundred thousand men.


    And on the masses of men charged, the Hoverboards of their leaders whizzing ahead of them, the Sovereign a little in front.

    This would be his time again. Again he would smash all that lay in his path. And his dream of a strong race of people, of a strong and united Empire, would be ever closer.

    Copyright (C) HumanSupremacist 2013


    (Original post by HumanSupremacist)
    I haven't quite got a suitable "blurb" or summary of the story intact yet, but please read the prologue draft anyway and tell me what you think :


    It's really good! I like it! It's short and snappy and is bound to grab the reader's attention easily. Perhaps you could put some description of the enemy in your story so that the reader as an image of them painted in their mind? Other than that, it's excellent.

    How long have you been writing for?


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