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My boyfriend's insecurities are pulling our relationship apart! watch

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    #1

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years come June and, for some reason or another, he is convinced I don't love him and am going to leave him for 'someone better'.

    He says things like 'you're only with me because you feel sorry for me' and 'one day you'll find someone better than me and leave me for them and be happy'. He does this all the time and, no matter how much I tell him I love him, he still thinks I'm with him out of pity. He always says 'I don't know why someone like you is with someone like me' and 'You can do so much better than me'. He has such a low opinion of himself.

    He's had a rather troubled childhood. His Mum got sent to prison in his mid-teens so he moved around a lot, we've had our own flat the last two years and he works full-time whilst I study part-time and work night shifts. We spend a lot of time together alone and he just gets ... I don't know, really upset.

    He's also really protective of me. He hates it when I talk to male friends that aren't mutual friends, and goes through my phone and emails to see what I've been up to. I have told him I really don't approve of him doing this (I've nothing to hide - thusly he hasn't found anything!) but he still continues.

    How can I get him to see I do love him? We are great together but I just don't understand why he thinks I'm with him because I pity him. It's making me wonder if we'll ever last when he doesn't trust me.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years come June and, for some reason or another, he is convinced I don't love him and am going to leave him for 'someone better'.

    He says things like 'you're only with me because you feel sorry for me' and 'one day you'll find someone better than me and leave me for them and be happy'. He does this all the time and, no matter how much I tell him I love him, he still thinks I'm with him out of pity. He always says 'I don't know why someone like you is with someone like me' and 'You can do so much better than me'. He has such a low opinion of himself.

    He's had a rather troubled childhood. His Mum got sent to prison in his mid-teens so he moved around a lot, we've had our own flat the last two years and he works full-time whilst I study part-time and work night shifts. We spend a lot of time together alone and he just gets ... I don't know, really upset.

    He's also really protective of me. He hates it when I talk to male friends that aren't mutual friends, and goes through my phone and emails to see what I've been up to. I have told him I really don't approve of him doing this (I've nothing to hide - thusly he hasn't found anything!) but he still continues.

    How can I get him to see I do love him? We are great together but I just don't understand why he thinks I'm with him because I pity him. It's making me wonder if we'll ever last when he doesn't trust me.
    It takes time, basically eventually he'll learn to trust you and realise you love him. Has he ever had therapy or talked to a free chat line to help him resolve the issues brought about from his mum going to prison etc? Because that also may help


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    Have you told him that honestly? He probably doesn't realise just how emotionally draining such statements can be. To say 'you're only with me because you feel sorry for me' can be rude.

    If you tell him that you feel he's rejecting your love with those statements then he's more likely to realise that that's what he's doing than if you continuously try to convince him you love him. And if you broke up with him because of it, he's probably not going to learn anything from it either.

    He's stuck in the cycle of continuous self depreciation. He's got quite a low self esteem. Even though he may be convinced you're going to leave him for someone better, he wouldn't want that at all. So really, it's quite silly to think you would in the first place.

    To make a long story less boring, tell him how you feel about what he's saying. Tell him to stop doubting the relationship so much and tell him to trust you more. Otherwise he'll never be truly happy with you and nor will you.
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    This could be an indicator that perhaps you two have a drifting relationship. Try sitting down together and discussing what problems there are, including the insecurities. You might be surprised how much better things get for it!
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    the danger you could face in this relationship is that his low self esteem becomes self fulfilling.

    You see - he's saying "you could do better than me" - makes you feel down and erodes at the bedrock of your relationship. Eventually you will have enough and leave - thus fulfilling (and giving him a perverse sense of righteousness) his low opinion of himself, completely ignoring its his actions that caused it.

    My gf does this as well (along with such other delights as "youd be better off without me" ) and its tough keeping it going when your devoted to them. Maybe he should get some professional help. If hes worth then stick by him. If not...........
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years come June and, for some reason or another, he is convinced I don't love him and am going to leave him for 'someone better'.

    He says things like 'you're only with me because you feel sorry for me' and 'one day you'll find someone better than me and leave me for them and be happy'. He does this all the time and, no matter how much I tell him I love him, he still thinks I'm with him out of pity. He always says 'I don't know why someone like you is with someone like me' and 'You can do so much better than me'. He has such a low opinion of himself.

    He's had a rather troubled childhood. His Mum got sent to prison in his mid-teens so he moved around a lot, we've had our own flat the last two years and he works full-time whilst I study part-time and work night shifts. We spend a lot of time together alone and he just gets ... I don't know, really upset.

    He's also really protective of me. He hates it when I talk to male friends that aren't mutual friends, and goes through my phone and emails to see what I've been up to. I have told him I really don't approve of him doing this (I've nothing to hide - thusly he hasn't found anything!) but he still continues.

    How can I get him to see I do love him? We are great together but I just don't understand why he thinks I'm with him because I pity him. It's making me wonder if we'll ever last when he doesn't trust me.
    My god he sounds a bit like me when I was 14/15 - looking back on it now, it makes me feel sick how I used to be. :confused: You won't want to hear this but unless you can change him, I would advise you end it. This does not sound like a healthy relationship and he needs to change; I'd know.

    In bold is what worries me and is very unhealthy behaviour.

    I'd honestly end it, regardless of how long you've been together.
    • #2
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    My ex used to say I was too good for her. She later dumped me, the *****.
 
 
 
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