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I hate myself so much, that I hardly feel life is worth living anymore. Watch

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    Before anyone describes me as shallow, I am not shallow in the slightest. The past three years have been the worst three years of my life for numerous reasons (I'm only 19) it has been truely dire, also I developed pcos which has made me go from being a slim girl who was very confident about how she looked, to being overweight and completely loathing myself to a huge extent. The thing is, that I don't really look that bad, (I'm like 15 kg overweight maybe) it's just this pcos (and other things) have affected me so much, it's changed my body shape completely, I haven't had a peroid in 7 months, my face looks completely different and bloated, I don't feel feminine anymore, I hate my own reflection, I find it very difficult to leave the house, I feel like a failure, a dissapointment, a waste, I feel like I could have achieved so much in life by now but circumstances have prevented it, I've seen all my friends go off to uni and be extremely happy, I'm stuck living with an emotionally abusive mother who used to hit me as a child, though I do have an offer to study Law at university this september and I will be able to live there thankfully, though I feel like self harming a lot though I'm trying my hardest not to. I used to self harm before quite frequently, because I sometimes end up feeling so awful, that I am almost scared about what I might do to myself, and self harming gives me a temporary release and in a strange way relaxed me for a moment.
    No matter what I do though, my pcos symptoms get worse, I keep gaining weight regardless of how much exercise I do, infact I first noticed my pcos symptoms when I was at my slimmest, and exercising up to over 3 hours a day. It hurts so much looking back at old photos of myself. I hate the fact I'm being so shallow but I can't help it, it hurts to feel like you've had your feminity stolen away from you when you're still a teenager and everyone else is living such a carefree life. I used to get a lot of compliments on how I look, I still do sometimes, but I just can't believe any of it anymore, and end up comparing myself to everyone else all the time, feeling awful about myself. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to snap out of it and forget about my apperance. Because I didn't chose to gain weight. It all started when I was exercising very heavily. And no matter what I can't lose it. If I had caused my weight gain and I felt I could control it it would be different, but I feel like I can't.
    I have no money at the moment, I mean basically no money at the moment, I used to work but then my pretty much dysmorphia towards my appearance meant I was spending like 4 hours getting ready every morning for work, only to end up late, so I was sacked. I have basically no belief in myself anymore, and feel like I will fail regardless of what I try to do. I managed to get 4 a's in my gcse's (a's in maths, english, english literature, core science, b's in additional science, media, and a c in re) so I know I have the capability to do well, but I just feel like I can't. There's lots of other crappy things that have happened too, too many to list here.

    I just can't describe the way I am feeling at the moment. I think some of it may be caused by the hormonal changes that come with pcos. But I feel incredibly frail, like I'm not equipped to deal with anything in life anymore, I used to be a strong, happy person who didn't cry much. Now all I seem to do is cry.
    My question is, is it possible for life to get better? Have you or have you ever heard of anyone who was at an extremely low point in their life, in every way, who was mentally very frail, who managed to turn things completely around for themselves? Is it possible? Because sometimes I question whether it'll ever be possible, and whether I will feel this way my whole life, completely frail and like I can't cope. It sucks so bad. I don't know, maybe I'm having a panic attack or something :'(
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    Hiya,

    I have PCOS aswell. Please PM me if you want to talk further. Your message is pretty long and there is quite a lot I want to put in so I'll tell you my story first, then try and offer advice.

    I'm 22 and I got diagnosed with PCOS this summer. I've been feeling the effects of the syndrome for a long time but it was only last year that I clicked that something was up with my hormones.

    I am really struggling with the weight issue too. Since I've about 16 I've had a mild eating disorder. When I was a teenager I started realising how prone I was to weight gain and constantly skipped meals to keep my weight down and maintained a size 10 with bad eating habits. Since going to uni and adopting the lifestyle my weight has fluctuated like crazy. I feel so at loss with everything. I remember when I was at school and had a stable weight, I could wear whatever i liked and loved fashion and looking good. Because my weight fluctuates so much now I have no interest in clothing because I find that a month after I buy something I don't fit into it. I used to wear such bright colours and do my hair nicely. Now my hair is thinning and my weight fluctuates like crazy. I just put my hair up in a pony tail and wear black leggings and a black top to disguise my body.

    Have you been trying to follow the low carb/low GI diet that has been advised for people with our condition? I'm finding it so hard to stick to. I don't think it helps I have eating problems anyway and have now been told to follow a diet. I feel so flabby and loathe my body. It's crazy, even when I eat next to nothing I barely shift a pound :-/

    I feel like generally there has been very little help given. I saw a nutritionist to help me with PCOS but she didn't even know what the syndrome was! My energy is so low and I am constantly tired. At university every used to comment on how tired I am all the time. I didn't know I had something wrong with me. It just depresses me. I joined Verity and only one person replied to my post on the forum.

    I saw my doctor about low mood and he put me on anti depressants. They did seem to be working but due to the side effects I have come off of the tabs as I'm in final year and really can't be having disruptions.

    I know how you feel. I think there is so little help given to girls with PCOS which is crazy as its so common. There should be more advice. I've felt so at loss with my situation that I've begun hypnotherapy which is £60 a session. I want help with my energy levels and attitude to food. I'll let you know how it goes.

    What I would suggest you do is talk to your GP about all of this. Book an appointment to see him and tell him what you're feeling. It sounds like you need some help with your mental well being. Maybe you could see a counsellor and tell them your woes?

    I'm sorrry your message was a bit difficult to read and digest. Message me back.

    Does anyone else here have PCOS?
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    (Original post by honeyandlemon)
    Hiya,

    I have PCOS aswell. Please PM me if you want to talk further. Your message is pretty long and there is quite a lot I want to put in so I'll tell you my story first, then try and offer advice.

    I'm 22 and I got diagnosed with PCOS this summer. I've been feeling the effects of the syndrome for a long time but it was only last year that I clicked that something was up with my hormones.

    I am really struggling with the weight issue too. Since I've about 16 I've had a mild eating disorder. When I was a teenager I started realising how prone I was to weight gain and constantly skipped meals to keep my weight down and maintained a size 10 with bad eating habits. Since going to uni and adopting the lifestyle my weight has fluctuated like crazy. I feel so at loss with everything. I remember when I was at school and had a stable weight, I could wear whatever i liked and loved fashion and looking good. Because my weight fluctuates so much now I have no interest in clothing because I find that a month after I buy something I don't fit into it. I used to wear such bright colours and do my hair nicely. Now my hair is thinning and my weight fluctuates like crazy. I just put my hair up in a pony tail and wear black leggings and a black top to disguise my body.

    Have you been trying to follow the low carb/low GI diet that has been advised for people with our condition? I'm finding it so hard to stick to. I don't think it helps I have eating problems anyway and have now been told to follow a diet. I feel so flabby and loathe my body. It's crazy, even when I eat next to nothing I barely shift a pound :-/

    I feel like generally there has been very little help given. I saw a nutritionist to help me with PCOS but she didn't even know what the syndrome was! My energy is so low and I am constantly tired. At university every used to comment on how tired I am all the time. I didn't know I had something wrong with me. It just depresses me. I joined Verity and only one person replied to my post on the forum.

    I saw my doctor about low mood and he put me on anti depressants. They did seem to be working but due to the side effects I have come off of the tabs as I'm in final year and really can't be having disruptions.

    I know how you feel. I think there is so little help given to girls with PCOS which is crazy as its so common. There should be more advice. I've felt so at loss with my situation that I've begun hypnotherapy which is £60 a session. I want help with my energy levels and attitude to food. I'll let you know how it goes.

    What I would suggest you do is talk to your GP about all of this. Book an appointment to see him and tell him what you're feeling. It sounds like you need some help with your mental well being. Maybe you could see a counsellor and tell them your woes?

    I'm sorrry your message was a bit difficult to read and digest. Message me back.

    Does anyone else here have PCOS?
    Hi there,

    thanks so much for your reply. I was in a really low mood at the time I wrote that post, though this happens quite often, thankfully I haven't been feeling that way today.
    I know how you feel with the appearance thing. I was very confident in my appearance before, I'd wear all the new make up trends, like red lipstick one day, then pink, or blue mascara, and I'd dye my hair a lot, going from brunette to getting highlights, and loved to have a new look every now and then. Now I just stick with basically the same look all he time, long very dark hair worn down, a face full of the same make up look, and I always wear exactly the same style clothes (baggy around the middle dresses and tights to try and hide the changed on my stomach/waist). Nothing else suits me in my opinion. I'm a size 14/16 now and I constantly comparing myself to how I used to look. I don't feel free anymore, I feel trapped. What makes it worse is that I didn't chose for myself to become this way, no girl with pcos does, so it often feels just so out of my control. It's one thing getting over puberty and then managing to get confident after it changes your body completely, but then to have pcos come along and change your body once again (this time for the worse) is quite upsetting.

    And yes, I just started the low carb, high protein/fat diet about 2 weeks ago. I've actually been quite pleased with the results. I don't know if I've lost weight, as I can't bare to ever weigh myself these days, but I hadn't had a single period in about 6/7 months, and this morning I got my period again after eating very much protein/fat the day before, and no carbs. I have been following the atkins diet. Based on this, I would definetly reccomend it. The food allowed is also really tasty (bacon, all types of low carb fish, chicken, cheese, vegetables, soured cream, double cream, eggs, mascarpone, sweetener, sugar free drinks amongst money other things) and you can eat as much as you want to satisfy you. When you are starting off you have to go into Phase 1 to begin with, the first few days can be really hard when you go off carbs and your body adjusts from using glucose for energy to using protein and fat. But try to stick with it if you can. I did notice my mood has been a bit down since I started atkins, I think because of the shifts taking place with my hormones, and probably pms. But I think that probably disappears once the body adjusts to being without many carbs. It's a heck of a lot more filling than any other diet I've tried though, you don't have a calorie limit and it feels good to know you are eating what humans are designed to eat, rather than sugar and man made carbs which don't work well at all with insulin resistance. If you can, search up Atkins Recipes, there's a web page with 1000+ recipes allowed with atkins. I've tried a few and they are really good.
    Hope I helped and good luck
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    This makes me feel so sad that a person can feel so low But just remember life is full of ups and downs, it's a complete rollercoaster. Just think, you're moving away, off to study a great course and make a whole new life for yourself. I guarantee that you are due for a big 'up'! You still get compliments for your looks, so you're obviously an attractive person. So what if you've gained some weight? Does that make you less worthy to be loved? Of course it doesn't.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi there,

    thanks so much for your reply. I was in a really low mood at the time I wrote that post, though this happens quite often, thankfully I haven't been feeling that way today.
    I know how you feel with the appearance thing. I was very confident in my appearance before, I'd wear all the new make up trends, like red lipstick one day, then pink, or blue mascara, and I'd dye my hair a lot, going from brunette to getting highlights, and loved to have a new look every now and then. Now I just stick with basically the same look all he time, long very dark hair worn down, a face full of the same make up look, and I always wear exactly the same style clothes (baggy around the middle dresses and tights to try and hide the changed on my stomach/waist). Nothing else suits me in my opinion. I'm a size 14/16 now and I constantly comparing myself to how I used to look. I don't feel free anymore, I feel trapped. What makes it worse is that I didn't chose for myself to become this way, no girl with pcos does, so it often feels just so out of my control. It's one thing getting over puberty and then managing to get confident after it changes your body completely, but then to have pcos come along and change your body once again (this time for the worse) is quite upsetting.

    And yes, I just started the low carb, high protein/fat diet about 2 weeks ago. I've actually been quite pleased with the results. I don't know if I've lost weight, as I can't bare to ever weigh myself these days, but I hadn't had a single period in about 6/7 months, and this morning I got my period again after eating very much protein/fat the day before, and no carbs. I have been following the atkins diet. Based on this, I would definetly reccomend it. The food allowed is also really tasty (bacon, all types of low carb fish, chicken, cheese, vegetables, soured cream, double cream, eggs, mascarpone, sweetener, sugar free drinks amongst money other things) and you can eat as much as you want to satisfy you. When you are starting off you have to go into Phase 1 to begin with, the first few days can be really hard when you go off carbs and your body adjusts from using glucose for energy to using protein and fat. But try to stick with it if you can. I did notice my mood has been a bit down since I started atkins, I think because of the shifts taking place with my hormones, and probably pms. But I think that probably disappears once the body adjusts to being without many carbs. It's a heck of a lot more filling than any other diet I've tried though, you don't have a calorie limit and it feels good to know you are eating what humans are designed to eat, rather than sugar and man made carbs which don't work well at all with insulin resistance. If you can, search up Atkins Recipes, there's a web page with 1000+ recipes allowed with atkins. I've tried a few and they are really good.
    Hope I helped and good luck
    Heya,

    I totally understand the appearance thing, but it's good to know the diet is working and you are seeing results. I guess if you keep up with the diet and the weight should gradually shift. It sounds like you've found something that works for you which is great. How do you feel about seeing your GP anyway to discuss your low mood?

    I don't feel like I've found something to work for me yet. Thank you for your recommendation to atkins. The problem with me and these low carb diets is I'm not a very big fan of meat. I only like it a couple of times a week. I experimented with veggie diets when I got diagnosed and they really didn't help, made me really sluggish and bloated, so I've kind of accepted that I'll need to follow a low carb high meat protein because of this syndrome. Also, I love dairy but I find when I eat a lot of dairy my hair falls out and I get really spotty (due to hormones) so its something I avoid. I love food and to me this diet is hell on earth to be honest. I keep falling off the wagon! How did you find the diet before you embarked on atkins?

    I also wanted to ask you something else. Do you find PCOS makes you fatigued? I have so little energy. I always feel half asleep, and I think it really affects my uni performance. Some places cite fatigue as a PCOS symptom but others don't, so part of me is not sure if my fatigue is PCOS related or not. The information on PCOS seeems generally unclear. Do you reckon its worth me speaking to my professors about having PCOS and how run down I'm feeling?

    Thanks
 
 
 
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