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    Not too sure where to start but I'll try and explain this as best I can.

    About a week ago my best friend told me she was raped. Ever since then I have literally been overcome with rage at this news. The rapist is someone she, I and everyone all are friends know - we sometimes hung around with him and we were all close with him when we were all at school together.

    My problem is that because I feel so, SO awful for her, I really want to go to the police. She's told me she doesn't want to, because there's no evidence (the incident happened weeks ago so she's changed her bedding and washed since then many times) so it would literally be her word against his. She also knows it's going to be a really stressful and drawn out process and the police are going to try and make her look like she's lying. That's even before you take into account how everyone she knows and he knows will be hurling abuse at her and some people will think she's lying and calling her a horrible person for making up stuff.

    Also - the rapist is not some-one you would associate with as being that kind of person. He's had a good upbringing, got a good family, he's friendly, funny, lots of friends etc, so even when I found out the news I found this hard to believe. So I just can't see if the police would believe it.

    I just desperately want to go to the police. It's just so unfair - all our friends who don't know are still friends with him and he seems to go on with his daily life as if nothing has happened/ Meanwhile, my best friend has had to quit her job because she can't deal with the stress of leaving her room much let alone her house and has asked her GP for antidepressants.

    I just don't know what to do - I really, REALLY want want to go the police but I don't know if it will make things worse or not. Any advice would be really appreciated.
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    I personally think it is the duty of everyone aware of serious crime to report it. I understand it can cause more trauma for the victim but the alternative is someone getting away with a very serious crime.
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    This is an awful situation to be in.

    Most important thing you can do right now, probably the only thing you can do, is be there for her.

    No point going to the police if she doesn't want to press charges, so don't waste your time. They'll want evidence, unfortunately she's washed the sheets.

    My heart goes out to her.
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    (Original post by Aramiss18)
    I personally think it is the duty of everyone aware of serious crime to report it. I understand it can cause more trauma for the victim but the alternative is someone getting away with a very serious crime.
    But if there's no evidence it's likely he'll get away with it, it's just her word against his at this point.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    But if there's no evidence it's likely he'll get away with it, it's just her word against his at this point.
    I know and it's ****e, I fully empathise and I hate to sound high and mighty or like I'm passing judgement but cases like this make me so angry.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Not too sure where to start but I'll try and explain this as best I can.

    About a week ago my best friend told me she was raped. Ever since then I have literally been overcome with rage at this news. The rapist is someone she, I and everyone all are friends know - we sometimes hung around with him and we were all close with him when we were all at school together.

    My problem is that because I feel so, SO awful for her, I really want to go to the police. She's told me she doesn't want to, because there's no evidence (the incident happened weeks ago so she's changed her bedding and washed since then many times) so it would literally be her word against his. She also knows it's going to be a really stressful and drawn out process and the police are going to try and make her look like she's lying. That's even before you take into account how everyone she knows and he knows will be hurling abuse at her and some people will think she's lying and calling her a horrible person for making up stuff.

    Also - the rapist is not some-one you would associate with as being that kind of person. He's had a good upbringing, got a good family, he's friendly, funny, lots of friends etc, so even when I found out the news I found this hard to believe. So I just can't see if the police would believe it.

    I just desperately want to go to the police. It's just so unfair - all our friends who don't know are still friends with him and he seems to go on with his daily life as if nothing has happened/ Meanwhile, my best friend has had to quit her job because she can't deal with the stress of leaving her room much let alone her house and has asked her GP for antidepressants.

    I just don't know what to do - I really, REALLY want want to go the police but I don't know if it will make things worse or not. Any advice would be really appreciated.
    My heart truly goes out to her. It's hard enough for women to get their rapists convicted- harder still if a third party is taking the case further and the victim is not co-operating.

    I think you need to be there for her and encourage her to go to the police herself. I agree with another poster that everyone has an obligation to report a crime- but (and it pains me to say this) you will have virtually no chance of success without your friend reporting the incident. With this in mind, it doesn't seem worthwhile upsetting your friend by going against her wishes only to be presumably unsuccessful.

    I hope she feels able to report it soon though. Again, my heart really goes out to your friend. x
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Not too sure where to start but I'll try and explain this as best I can.

    About a week ago my best friend told me she was raped. Ever since then I have literally been overcome with rage at this news. The rapist is someone she, I and everyone all are friends know - we sometimes hung around with him and we were all close with him when we were all at school together.

    My problem is that because I feel so, SO awful for her, I really want to go to the police. She's told me she doesn't want to, because there's no evidence (the incident happened weeks ago so she's changed her bedding and washed since then many times) so it would literally be her word against his. She also knows it's going to be a really stressful and drawn out process and the police are going to try and make her look like she's lying. That's even before you take into account how everyone she knows and he knows will be hurling abuse at her and some people will think she's lying and calling her a horrible person for making up stuff.

    Also - the rapist is not some-one you would associate with as being that kind of person. He's had a good upbringing, got a good family, he's friendly, funny, lots of friends etc, so even when I found out the news I found this hard to believe. So I just can't see if the police would believe it.

    I just desperately want to go to the police. It's just so unfair - all our friends who don't know are still friends with him and he seems to go on with his daily life as if nothing has happened/ Meanwhile, my best friend has had to quit her job because she can't deal with the stress of leaving her room much let alone her house and has asked her GP for antidepressants.

    I just don't know what to do - I really, REALLY want want to go the police but I don't know if it will make things worse or not. Any advice would be really appreciated.
    I think your friend has to go to the police yourself -if you go they would probably say your friend needs to make a statement before they could move things forward. Asides from that, your friend is probably feeling like she can't trust many people anymore, and if you told someone without her permission she may see it as a betrayal. You can suggest she goes to the police and offer to go with her, also I think police units all have a dedicated team for people have been sexually assaulted (you might want to check your local one online) and they are trained to handle issues like this and will listen to her. The police will also be aware that the majority of rapes are carried out by people who know the victim, such as friends and acquaintances.

    However, if on asking your friend, she doesn't want to go to the police, that's her choice and you have to respect it. She didn't have a choice in being assaulted but she does have choice of how she recovers. Tell her that if she changes her mind at any point you will support her, but that you will support her whatever she decides. I'm not sure who else she's told, but suggest she speaks to family and other friends if it she feels it will help - if people see the drastic change in her behaviour they are unlikely to think she has made it up. Look up if you have any counselling services near you such as rape crisis that she can call when she feels ready. Also, if she needs medical attention, such as sti tests, offer to go with her to the local sexual health clinic.

    Just be there for her, you say she feels uncomfortable to leave the house, so bring round any stuff for her that she might need, but also encourage her to leave the house with you to go to somewhere that she would feel safe, such as a quiet coffee shop, as being isolated is just going to make her feel worse.

    You sound like a really caring friend
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    It's her decision to make. Ensure that you're there for her whenever she needs you and explain to her your concerns. But if in the end she still doesn't want to, it's your duty as her friend to respect that wish.
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    If I was in your situation, I would probably try to persuade your friend to go to the police/or let you go to the police.

    I don't really agree with people saying that it will be 'his word against hers'. Rape is taken very very seriously and I'm sure this isn't the first rape case where no physical evidence has been left behind.

    Don't think that nothing will happen and that he will get away with it if you go to the police. They don't just rely on physical evidence and even if he isn't convicted, he will still always be on police records so if does ever do anything again, they can refer back to this.

    I know this must be a terrible time for your friend and she must be terrified, but I agree with what the person above said about it being your duty to contact the police. He has the potential to do something like this again. The fact that he has done it once means that there is a very high possibility that he will do it again. He has the potential to ruin more lives in the future.

    Also, going to the police may allow your friend to get the closure she needs. She will never get over this if this injustice continues. She needs counselling and she needs that closure.

    I know this must be such a tough situation for you and you sound like you're being a really good friend to her. I think you should follow your instincts. If your guts are telling you to tell the police, then tell them.

    Maybe try and persuade your friend to let you do this. Tell her that you'll be there for her the whole way through and that not everything relies on physical evidence. I don't know what you should do if she still refuses. That will be really tough. I don't know what I'd do as I've never been in that situation (and hope that I never will be) but I think I would still go to the police and support my friend through the situation. He has the potential to rape again and I don't think I could handle passing him in the street knowing that he has got away with ruining a life.

    These are just my opinions and it is fully your decision what you do. I think you need to really think about it and I hope that everything works out for you and your friend.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Not too sure where to start but I'll try and explain this as best I can.

    About a week ago my best friend told me she was raped. Ever since then I have literally been overcome with rage at this news. The rapist is someone she, I and everyone all are friends know - we sometimes hung around with him and we were all close with him when we were all at school together.

    My problem is that because I feel so, SO awful for her, I really want to go to the police. She's told me she doesn't want to, because there's no evidence (the incident happened weeks ago so she's changed her bedding and washed since then many times) so it would literally be her word against his. She also knows it's going to be a really stressful and drawn out process and the police are going to try and make her look like she's lying. That's even before you take into account how everyone she knows and he knows will be hurling abuse at her and some people will think she's lying and calling her a horrible person for making up stuff.

    Also - the rapist is not some-one you would associate with as being that kind of person. He's had a good upbringing, got a good family, he's friendly, funny, lots of friends etc, so even when I found out the news I found this hard to believe. So I just can't see if the police would believe it.

    I just desperately want to go to the police. It's just so unfair - all our friends who don't know are still friends with him and he seems to go on with his daily life as if nothing has happened/ Meanwhile, my best friend has had to quit her job because she can't deal with the stress of leaving her room much let alone her house and has asked her GP for antidepressants.

    I just don't know what to do - I really, REALLY want want to go the police but I don't know if it will make things worse or not. Any advice would be really appreciated.
    I don't think it's a good idea for you personally to go to the police. Situations like these make me rage too. It's the fact that the victim's life has been so majorly affected while the perpetrator is still swanning about enjoying life. The worst part as you've pointed out is that she's stuck in a situation where she feels she can't say anything. I personally with no evidence wouldn't either because of the backlash of slut shaming, accusations of lying or being made to feel that I encouraged / deserved it.

    It really makes my blood boil. All my thoughts go out to your friend.
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    As part of my job, I sometimes have to deal with situations where people have been raped or sexually assaulted, and my view is this: your friend has been put in a position where she had control of what happened to her taken away from her by her rapist. It's really, really important that she gets to have as much control as possible over what happens to her next - and that means it's her choice whether or not to go to the police, and if she doesn't want to go to the police then you need to respect that.

    I always do advise anyone who discloses they've been sexually assaulted to go to the police, but if they decide not to then I have to accept that it's their choice. I know that's going to be doubly difficult for you, because she's your friend and you want to see justice done and it's really, really unfair if that doesn't happen - but you need to let her make that choice; you can't make it for her. She has thought it through, and she has reasons for not wanting to report the rape. This might sound really harsh, but if you were to go over her head and report it to the police, on some level you'd be doing it to make yourself feel better, rather than to make her feel better - yes, you'd be doing it to help, but it's not what she wants.

    There are lots of things you can do to help her, though. You're already helping just by being her friend, and being there for her, and believing her (it can be really worrying for people who've been raped to tell anyone what happened in case the person they tell doesn't believe them). My advice is: tell her that if she chooses to report the rape to the police, now or at any time in the future, you'll be there for her; but the choice is hers. Make sure she has details of people who can give her specialist help if she feels she needs it, like Rape Crisis. And, make sure you look after yourself so you can be there for her - if that means finding a confidential setting where you can talk things through with someone else, then do it.

    You're being a brilliant friend, and I'm sure your friend really appreciates everything you're doing for her.
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    Going to the police yourself or pressuring her into going to the police are scum bag things to do. Her wishes are more important than yours.

    I knew a girl who was raped by one of her family members and she had to see him every time she went home. Once she asked me to come see her at home one holiday and I did. Had to sit at the table with the scum bag. I wanted to leap across the table and punch him. I also wanted to stand up and tell the whole table what he did. I didn't do any of those things because it wasn't about me. This isn't about you. I'm assuming you have no idea what she's going through and if there were magic words that could fix it, we'd know about them by now.

    The best thing to do is just be someone she can always come to for anything. Tell her if she wants to just sit with you and not say anything it's fine and if she wants to scream at you for no reason it's fine as well. That's what I said and I was told a year later that it was the best thing that had been said to her during her ordeal.
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    Your friend must really trust you to tell you this. Just be there for her. Maybe she wants to forget the whole thing which is why she doesn't want to go to the police but then again what if the rapist rapes another girl.

    Sorry I couldn't be much help. Best wishes to your friend.
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    This is quite an emotional post. Personally, as a friend, I would encourage your friend to report this person to the police. She may not be the first or last victim. On top of this, I would encourage you to advise your friend to seek specialist help, such as counselling. I cannot stress the benefits of this enough, particularly for her situation. Antidepressants cannot help her with the trauma that she has experienced, only with the neurological basis of depression.

    As a friend, you need to be supportive. To be honest, the trauma of the experience will never end, and you have to be prepared to deal with that. Though your friend may be reluctant to go to the police, please, PLEASE remind her that other girls WILL be at risk if this is not reported! And counselling is not like it is in the films, it had helped so many people, it is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is very important that she seeks the best help available.

    Best of luck, A x
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    From personal experience, get in touch with rape crisis, the rape support centre. They will give the best advice on this, because they are trained support workers and deal with it every day. They can advise better than anybody else whether you can take it to the police or not. They will also give the best support possible to your friend. Big love and hugs, I'm so sorry she went through that - but I'm so glad she has good friends to support her through it. :hugs: :grouphugs:
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    Absolutely disgusting. But any update now? though it's been 4 years and I doubt I'd get a reply
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    (Original post by Alpha-tega)
    Absolutely disgusting. But any update now? though it's been 4 years and I doubt I'd get a reply
    There probably won't be an update because this was made anonymously. Therefore the threadstarter doesn't get a message when someone replies to their anonymous comments.
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    (Original post by stoyfan)
    There probably won't be an update because this was made anonymously. Therefore the threadstarter doesn't get a message when someone replies to their anonymous comments.
    You're right. *facedesk*
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    You have no proof that this is true. If You act on this You may ruin your whole Life. Also small buts add Up when You Tell small stories You may want to get your friend to say this to The police as then she Will have the complete burden.
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    That's horrible. The rapist shouldnt get away with this because who knows? He could target others aswell! He is basically on the loose! You need to report this to the police! Your friend is vulnerable right now!
 
 
 
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