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Help. My fiancé has expensive tastes and I don't. Watch

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    My fiancé and I always argue about money. It's the one thing that we get really heated over and it's ruining our relationship.

    Basically, he has become accustomed to a good standard of living. He refuses to shop anywhere but Waitrose as his mum has always done and spends any spare money he has on expensive toiletries (£80 on Molton Brown shower gel!?) to 'treat' himself.

    I've tried to set a groceries budget for us - £75 a week for food and drink after bills and savings but we always end up going over as he'll argue
    me down as to why we need to purchase this particular item at that point in time.

    I've grown up with inexpensive tastes - I'm quite a low maintenance girl and am happy to shop at Tesco and will often try to get value for money on all my purchases. if i had it my way, i would be spending £40 a week on us MAX rather than the £90-100 we seem to be doing now. However I feel like I need to 'slip in' as many 'cheap' or 'cut the corner' purchases as possible to balance out our overspends in the month and its driving me crazy as I'd like to be able to spend a bit of money on luxuries myself (clothes etc) but I can't as he sucks the surplus budget out.

    I feel like I'm the only one keeping an eye on our finances. From his pov, he works very very hard at his job and wants to come home to nice things.
    From my pov... I like saving. And I like getting value for money.

    We're also spending £90 on sky a month and £90 on a cleaner..

    Btw to provide some context, we have just bought a house together and we have a joint account for all our money. He REFUSES to have separate accounts for our own surplus spending as 'it doesn't feel couply'
    We're also both earning 'decent' wages. He's on £30k per year and I'm on £28k.
    I feel that with the money we're making, we should be saving a lot more (we have £1k in savings and £2k in credit card debt.. Interest free though)

    TSR, I need your advice. Am I being to harsh, or are my annoyances reasonable? Are his wants unreasonable or am I worrying about this too much(seeing as we don't have to save for a house anymore)?




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    £58k between you and you're setting a budget of £75 a week for food and drink?

    I think you should let him do what he wants. I do wonder where this money is going because my parents are on less and they seem to lvie quite a lavish lifestyle without any debts or problems with the bills.
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    (Original post by manga)
    M
    I agree with Genocidal, since you've got quite a lot of money you shouldn't be too worried about your budget, I think you should just kind of ease out and let him spend however the way he wants to...hope I've helped
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    (Original post by manga)
    My fiancé and I always argue about money. It's the one thing that we get really heated over and it's ruining our relationship.

    Basically, he has become accustomed to a good standard of living. He refuses to shop anywhere but Waitrose as his mum has always done and spends any spare money he has on expensive toiletries (£80 on Molton Brown shower gel!?) to 'treat' himself.

    I've tried to set a groceries budget for us - £75 a week for food and drink after bills and savings but we always end up going over as he'll argue
    me down as to why we need to purchase this particular item at that point in time.

    I've grown up with inexpensive tastes - I'm quite a low maintenance girl and am happy to shop at Tesco and will often try to get value for money on all my purchases. if i had it my way, i would be spending £40 a week on us MAX rather than the £90-100 we seem to be doing now. However I feel like I need to 'slip in' as many 'cheap' or 'cut the corner' purchases as possible to balance out our overspends in the month and its driving me crazy as I'd like to be able to spend a bit of money on luxuries myself (clothes etc) but I can't as he sucks the surplus budget out.

    I feel like I'm the only one keeping an eye on our finances. From his pov, he works very very hard at his job and wants to come home to nice things.
    From my pov... I like saving. And I like getting value for money.

    We're also spending £90 on sky a month and £90 on a cleaner..

    Btw to provide some context, we have just bought a house together and we have a joint account for all our money. He REFUSES to have separate accounts for our own surplus spending as 'it doesn't feel couply'
    We're also both earning 'decent' wages. He's on £30k per year and I'm on £28k.
    I feel that with the money we're making, we should be saving a lot more (we have £1k in savings and £2k in credit card debt.. Interest free though)

    TSR, I need your advice. Am I being to harsh, or are my annoyances reasonable? Are his wants unreasonable or am I worrying about this too much(seeing as we don't have to save for a house anymore)?




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    Have you told him this? Sometimes talking it through can help. Explain you want to have some financial stability and you think spending £80 on bodywash is ridiculous. Which, quite honestly, it is. If you voice your concerns maybe he will be a little more wary of what he is buying. If he's grown up in that way, he probably doesn't see the issues you see with it.
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    You can't really restrict your partner's spending by nagging. Just insist on separate accounts and let him do his own thing financially. Joint accounts are never a good idea for anyone, including partners.

    Edit: and yes you are being too harsh. With your wages you should be able to afford all that and still have decent savings.

    Edit 2: if you don't want to have a joint account then you could just set aside a savings account where it automatically takes a set amount of money from your earnings each month.
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    You want my honest opinion? You're both doing well for yourself. If you can afford it and still live comfortably why not enjoy life to the best standard you can rather than always trying to cut corners? You can watch pennies till the day you die but there's no point watching pennies that one day after, ie live a little, sure put some aside for emergencies and other things but unless you have something specific you NEED to save for then I wouldn't worry.

    He is your fiancee though, did this never come up before you got engaged?

    Live a little, treat yourself to some expensive stuff, see how you like it. Worry about counting the pennies when you have 3 children.
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    Personally, I think you're being very reasonable.

    A lot of couples have separate bank accounts, my parents do. I think it's ridiculous how money for YOUR clothes should come out of the shared account.

    But then again you get need to make some allowances as well. Although I don't think £90 shower gel is worth it. Maybe buy certain things at waitrose, and other necessities at tesco.

    For example, sky. Do you really use all the channels? Consider cutting it down? Get freeview, and Netflix instead?

    And cleaner? Tis can be the first thing to go. Talk about it, and this is something you can share duties.
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    (Original post by manga)
    My fiancé and I always argue about money. It's the one thing that we get really heated over and it's ruining our relationship.

    Basically, he has become accustomed to a good standard of living. He refuses to shop anywhere but Waitrose as his mum has always done and spends any spare money he has on expensive toiletries (£80 on Molton Brown shower gel!?) to 'treat' himself.

    I've tried to set a groceries budget for us - £75 a week for food and drink after bills and savings but we always end up going over as he'll argue
    me down as to why we need to purchase this particular item at that point in time.

    I've grown up with inexpensive tastes - I'm quite a low maintenance girl and am happy to shop at Tesco and will often try to get value for money on all my purchases. if i had it my way, i would be spending £40 a week on us MAX rather than the £90-100 we seem to be doing now. However I feel like I need to 'slip in' as many 'cheap' or 'cut the corner' purchases as possible to balance out our overspends in the month and its driving me crazy as I'd like to be able to spend a bit of money on luxuries myself (clothes etc) but I can't as he sucks the surplus budget out.

    I feel like I'm the only one keeping an eye on our finances. From his pov, he works very very hard at his job and wants to come home to nice things.
    From my pov... I like saving. And I like getting value for money.

    We're also spending £90 on sky a month and £90 on a cleaner..

    Btw to provide some context, we have just bought a house together and we have a joint account for all our money. He REFUSES to have separate accounts for our own surplus spending as 'it doesn't feel couply'
    We're also both earning 'decent' wages. He's on £30k per year and I'm on £28k.
    I feel that with the money we're making, we should be saving a lot more (we have £1k in savings and £2k in credit card debt.. Interest free though)

    TSR, I need your advice. Am I being to harsh, or are my annoyances reasonable? Are his wants unreasonable or am I worrying about this too much(seeing as we don't have to save for a house anymore)?
    Your annoyances are reasonable.
    & although you obviously needed to save for the house & achieved that - I think the old 3-6 months wages in savings rule (for redundancy, dramatic change in circumstances, less than generous sick pay etc.) is a sensible one & you're not 'worrying too much' about not having that sort of cushion.

    But my brutally honest first reaction is why have you committed to this person emotionally & financially (mortgage, joint savings account etc.) before these fundamental differences were ironed out or at least a compromize reached? :eek: If you are doing the full joint account thing then you obviously need rules with it - your cutting corners to subsidize his splurges will build resentment.

    My suggestion would be to say you need to sit down & talk about financial planning (it is a serious issues) & get the issues out there - then perhaps suggest you both record everything you spend for a month to keep a track of where things are going & then analyze it together (if the discrepancies are as big as you suggest then he'd have to be pretty dense to not 'get it'!) & set down some ground rules/targets for saving together or say you want to keep your disposable incomes separate so you're not subsidizing him!

    Being 'coupley' in a grown up way is working as a team with common goals - not just using a joint bank account.

    So it also might be worth thinking long term - your salaries are fairly even now... so easy to do the pooling or putting in equal amounts to a joint account & your disposable/savings income stays in your own account (which is how me & Mr Elles do it - although things may soon change! ) - but are things going to change & what will happen then?

    E.g. some people continue to pool everything (but then there can be issues about one person 'spending' the other's money), some both put in equal amounts (but one will be left with less disposable) or both put in an equal % of earnings to the joint account (so one does subsidize the other & it's %... but the issues might be if one feels they are working 'harder' for their money etc.)
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    If he wants to spend money on expensive food/drink/luxuries then that's fine. He's earning enough to do so. You should each put a certain amount per month into the joint account to pay for bills/food etc (ie the basics) and anything he wants extra from that he should pay for. Then that leaves you with whatever you have left.

    Separate bank accounts isn't "not couply", it's just common sense if you don't agree on what to spend it on. At the moment it seems as though you're spending all of your spare cash on things he wants, which isn't fair as he earns enough for himself. Tell him you're not happy and you want your spare money in your own account, or it's just going to drive you mad.
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    Why did you not realise this problem until you became engaged?
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    He sounds like a bit of a toff to be honest. £80 shower gel, christ that's just taking the piss. There's coming home to nice things, but that's just on another level. It probably washes and smells no better than a bottle of Lynx plus the added brand tag. There's also nothing wrong with Tesco, suggest buying the majority of items there and whatever he wants from Waitrose. Also like another user suggested, freeview and Netflix is a great way to cut down your viewing bill to about £6 a month. I think £75 a week for food is a little conservative for the wage you're both on but that's easily compromisable an extra £25 is not going to burst the bank.
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    (Original post by manga)
    My fiancé and I always argue about money. It's the one thing that we get really heated over and it's ruining our relationship.

    Basically, he has become accustomed to a good standard of living. He refuses to shop anywhere but Waitrose as his mum has always done and spends any spare money he has on expensive toiletries (£80 on Molton Brown shower gel!?) to 'treat' himself.

    I've tried to set a groceries budget for us - £75 a week for food and drink after bills and savings but we always end up going over as he'll argue
    me down as to why we need to purchase this particular item at that point in time.

    I've grown up with inexpensive tastes - I'm quite a low maintenance girl and am happy to shop at Tesco and will often try to get value for money on all my purchases. if i had it my way, i would be spending £40 a week on us MAX rather than the £90-100 we seem to be doing now. However I feel like I need to 'slip in' as many 'cheap' or 'cut the corner' purchases as possible to balance out our overspends in the month and its driving me crazy as I'd like to be able to spend a bit of money on luxuries myself (clothes etc) but I can't as he sucks the surplus budget out.

    I feel like I'm the only one keeping an eye on our finances. From his pov, he works very very hard at his job and wants to come home to nice things.
    From my pov... I like saving. And I like getting value for money.

    We're also spending £90 on sky a month and £90 on a cleaner..

    Btw to provide some context, we have just bought a house together and we have a joint account for all our money. He REFUSES to have separate accounts for our own surplus spending as 'it doesn't feel couply'
    We're also both earning 'decent' wages. He's on £30k per year and I'm on £28k.
    I feel that with the money we're making, we should be saving a lot more (we have £1k in savings and £2k in credit card debt.. Interest free though)

    TSR, I need your advice. Am I being to harsh, or are my annoyances reasonable? Are his wants unreasonable or am I worrying about this too much(seeing as we don't have to save for a house anymore)?




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    It all comes down to personal opinion really. Based on your wages I would say you could spend more than £40 a week on food etc, and don't need to worry massively about scrimping and saving on everything.

    However, that doesn't mean you should be spending everything and being frivilous, and there's not reason to spend excess just because you can. Also, saving is always a good idea. Obviously you've just bought a house so savings are going to be low for you right now but £1k is not very much particularly with £2k of debt. If it were me, I would focus on getting rid of the debt and building up savings more.

    The problem with the spending as well is it's not something you can enjoy together. I'm not saying everything should be for both of you, but £80 on shower gel?! That's crazy!!! If he was getting one of the more expensive shower gels that are like £5-£10 I'd be like fair enough, but £80?! You just wash it down the sink! And it doesn't have any increased function, it's just a label that you're paying for. I can see you're like me and don't have any particular regard for labels for the sake of labels, so I can see how frustrating it can be to be with someone who will pay many times the amount something's worth just because it's got a name on it.

    The way I'd go is point out to him about savings. Perhaps talk to him about things like holidays, doing nice things when you retire, decorating the house, etc... things which will appeal to his love of luxuries. Point out that if you want to enjoy these luxury things you need to save some now for the future. Then you could perhaps agree a set amount each month to save (after paying off the credit card debt).

    And I'd perhaps suggest some substitutions of luxuries instead of the ones he is getting now. For example, ask if instead of the molton brown this month, could you go out for a meal, twice. Then you would at least both enjoy it.

    It's basically about compromise. Explain to him how you feel, and that it's hard for you to spend what you feel is unneccesary as you aren't used to it. But you also understand it's hard for him to cut back on luxuries. So you are willing to compromise, spend a bit more. But you'd like him to be willing to cut back sometimes too.

    xxx
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    I don't see what the big deal is about separate accounts... OP why don't you agree to have one account for things you buy together (groceries, subscriptions, whatever else) AND your own accounts for personal expenditure. That way he can buy stuff for himself without digging into your pockets, and you can scrimp ad save for something nice for yourself.
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    Thanks for your thoughts everyone. It's been really useful to hear opinions supporting both sides. I now realise I've been too restrictive with setting food budget in particular - though that doesn't include his takeaways now and then. We could definitely cut down elsewhere.
    I could also take it a bit more easy and have more rationalised conversations with him and come to compromises beforehand.

    Tbh we got engaged before living together and having joint accounts so its something we should have discussed beforehand but.. young love and whatever. We are where we are and do love eachother.

    (Original post by kpwxx)
    It all comes down to personal opinion really. Based on your wages I would say you could spend more than £40 a week on food etc, and don't need to worry massively about scrimping and saving on everything.

    However, that doesn't mean you should be spending everything and being frivilous, and there's not reason to spend excess just because you can. Also, saving is always a good idea. Obviously you've just bought a house so savings are going to be low for you right now but £1k is not very much particularly with £2k of debt. If it were me, I would focus on getting rid of the debt and building up savings more.

    The problem with the spending as well is it's not something you can enjoy together. I'm not saying everything should be for both of you, but £80 on shower gel?! That's crazy!!! If he was getting one of the more expensive shower gels that are like £5-£10 I'd be like fair enough, but £80?! You just wash it down the sink! And it doesn't have any increased function, it's just a label that you're paying for. I can see you're like me and don't have any particular regard for labels for the sake of labels, so I can see how frustrating it can be to be with someone who will pay many times the amount something's worth just because it's got a name on it.

    The way I'd go is point out to him about savings. Perhaps talk to him about things like holidays, doing nice things when you retire, decorating the house, etc... things which will appeal to his love of luxuries. Point out that if you want to enjoy these luxury things you need to save some now for the future. Then you could perhaps agree a set amount each month to save (after paying off the credit card debt).

    And I'd perhaps suggest some substitutions of luxuries instead of the ones he is getting now. For example, ask if instead of the molton brown this month, could you go out for a meal, twice. Then you would at least both enjoy it.

    It's basically about compromise. Explain to him how you feel, and that it's hard for you to spend what you feel is unneccesary as you aren't used to it. But you also understand it's hard for him to cut back on luxuries. So you are willing to compromise, spend a bit more. But you'd like him to be willing to cut back sometimes too.

    xxx
    I really like your suggestions here - making savings sound more positive I think will definitely make it easier to compromise as it will sound less like nagging... everyone likes a holiday!

    Just to clarify, the £80 was for 3 shower gels, not just the one. He isn't completely crazy!




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    (Original post by Lumos)
    I don't see what the big deal is about separate accounts... OP why don't you agree to have one account for things you buy together (groceries, subscriptions, whatever else) AND your own accounts for personal expenditure. That way he can buy stuff for himself without digging into your pockets, and you can scrimp ad save for something nice for yourself.
    At the moment we have:

    Joint account for bills
    I hold the account for groceries
    I hold the savings account & credit cards
    We have a joint account for personal spending - he refuses to have separate accounts for this. His argument is that if he has his own account, there is the risk that he overspends into his overdraft and hide it from me as he doesn't trust himself with the money.


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    £80 is easily more than my yearly budget for shower gel! :lol:
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    (Original post by manga)
    At the moment we have:

    Joint account for bills
    I hold the account for groceries
    I hold the savings account & credit cards
    We have a joint account for personal spending - he refuses to have separate accounts for this. His argument is that if he has his own account, there is the risk that he overspends into his overdraft and hide it from me as he doesn't trust himself with the money.


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    Surely you can hold a joint account for expenditure but not put any money in it? That was you can see if he's overspending but not lose your own money.
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    You sound way to stingy, unless you have a big mortgage? But he does also sound too thrifty, is there a way you can meet some middle ground? Both compromise a little.
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    I don't understand why couples feel the need to share a bank account. It doesn't 'Unite' you in any way. And I think your annoyances are perfectly reasonable. If you can make something cheaper why not? And if he overspends, then so be it. But if you love him you'll compromise, of course. :confused:
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    (Original post by Mother_Russia)
    Personally, I think you're being very reasonable.

    A lot of couples have separate bank accounts, my parents do. I think it's ridiculous how money for YOUR clothes should come out of the shared account.
    Separate bank accounts are a good idea, but remember that they don't mean nothing if a couple were to divorce - even prenups aren't enforced in the UK.

    So if you save, save, save, and your SO spends like crazy and has literally no savings throughout your marriage, their goes all your life savings.

    Bitter ain't it?
 
 
 
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