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Told a good friend I like her and she turned me down. What should I do next? watch

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    Ok, this is a bit of a long one. I have a good friend of mine who I've annoyingly liked for quite a while now. I'd suspected for a bit that there may have been something there from her as well from the way she acted around me and talked to me, and some people have questioned before if anything was going on there. She's openly said before that she loves me. I think I missed an opportunity or two on nights out to kiss her because I was being a wimp.

    Anyway last week I was away for a week with her (we're on the same uni sports team) and one night when we were both quite drunk I decided to tell her, because for some reason I've found it very difficult to try anything on before. I don't remember a huge amount of what I or she said but the general gist was that she considers me a really close friend and would be very upset to lose that. She also started crying because of how nice I was apparently being about her. So that was all fine, got that off my chest and had a good night anyway.

    Problem is, it's a few days later and I'm feeling pretty **** about the whole thing so I wanted a bit of a clear the air talk. I messaged her yesterday saying I was sorry for having to tell her that and thanking her for understanding where I'm coming from, and also said that whatever happens from here on I don't want us to stop being friends.

    She just messaged me back saying that she really admires me for what I said and that she feels bad and couldn't ever do the same, but that she really doesn't think that this will affect our friendship at all and that she considers me to be one of her best mates. But randomly she also mentioned that people had seen photos from last week that may have suggested she was on some other guy, and I'm confused as to why she felt the need to say that.

    I really want to have a sober talk face-to-face just to sort everything out but I'm worried she might not want to do that so I don't know if that's a good idea. Basically in an ideal world I want to know what to say/how to act so that she maybe starts to come round to my way of thinking in the future, but obviously I know that's pretty unrealistic. If that can't happen I would genuinely rather stay friends with her than lose her altogether, even though right now I still want something more.

    Apologies for the essay, but I do really like this girl both as a friend and more so I don't want to screw it up. I'm very confused about the whole thing so some advice would be much appreciated. Cheers guys
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    Hmmm, that is a difficult situation. From what you said I'd guess she doesn't see you as a potential boyfriend... But this is really something only she can tell you.

    I'd just ask her out for a coffee or something to talk. If she doesn't want to meet you you already have your answer. If she does - just talk to her like you normally would. Only that it's now about your feelings. It will be awkward afterwards if she doesn't return your feelings. But if you still meet up and work on it your friendship won't be lost. And you never know - she might like you back?
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    It seems like she just sees you as a friend and nothing more unfortunately. Maybe you should arrange to meet up and ask her where you both stand, ask her how she feels and if she sees your relationship going further than a friendship.


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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ok, this is a bit of a long one. I have a good friend of mine who I've annoyingly liked for quite a while now. I'd suspected for a bit that there may have been something there from her as well from the way she acted around me and talked to me, and some people have questioned before if anything was going on there. She's openly said before that she loves me. I think I missed an opportunity or two on nights out to kiss her because I was being a wimp.

    Anyway last week I was away for a week with her (we're on the same uni sports team) and one night when we were both quite drunk I decided to tell her, because for some reason I've found it very difficult to try anything on before. I don't remember a huge amount of what I or she said but the general gist was that she considers me a really close friend and would be very upset to lose that. She also started crying because of how nice I was apparently being about her. So that was all fine, got that off my chest and had a good night anyway.

    Problem is, it's a few days later and I'm feeling pretty **** about the whole thing so I wanted a bit of a clear the air talk. I messaged her yesterday saying I was sorry for having to tell her that and thanking her for understanding where I'm coming from, and also said that whatever happens from here on I don't want us to stop being friends.

    She just messaged me back saying that she really admires me for what I said and that she feels bad and couldn't ever do the same, but that she really doesn't think that this will affect our friendship at all and that she considers me to be one of her best mates. But randomly she also mentioned that people had seen photos from last week that may have suggested she was on some other guy, and I'm confused as to why she felt the need to say that.

    I really want to have a sober talk face-to-face just to sort everything out but I'm worried she might not want to do that so I don't know if that's a good idea. Basically in an ideal world I want to know what to say/how to act so that she maybe starts to come round to my way of thinking in the future, but obviously I know that's pretty unrealistic. If that can't happen I would genuinely rather stay friends with her than lose her altogether, even though right now I still want something more.

    Apologies for the essay, but I do really like this girl both as a friend and more so I don't want to screw it up. I'm very confused about the whole thing so some advice would be much appreciated. Cheers guys
    Honestly, it sounds like there isn't really anything else to say. She's told you unambiguously that she doesn't want a relationship with you and that she wants things to go back to how they were before because she values your friendship. If you can accept that, great. Go back to hanging out as friends, and forget about trying to get her to change her mind because it's not something you have any influence over and in any case you need to respect her decision. If you can't accept it, perhaps you should distance yourself from her for a while because hanging around waiting for her to 'come round to your way of thinking' does not sound like a particularly healthy relationship.

    I hate to say it, but it sounds as if you already know where you stand but are still hoping that she's going to change her mind, when it's almost certainly not going to happen. Any further conversation on the topic is just going to end in her reiterating that she doesn't feel that way about you. You're going to be disappointed again, she's going to be uncomfortable, and the end result is that it will take longer for things to feel normal again.
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    F***** leave her alone
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    She just messaged me back saying that she really admires me for what I said and that she feels bad and couldn't ever do the same, but that she really doesn't think that this will affect our friendship at all and that she considers me to be one of her best mates.
    http://www.theonion.com/articles/but...friends,11473/

    On a serious note, if you're genuinely okay being just her friend then do that. If you aren't then cut contact, she'll understand I'm sure. There's no point in the 'clear the air' talk that you suggested in your OP - the air is clear, either you are fine being her friend or you aren't, she is clearly fine being your friend.
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    I'm going through exactly the same thing.
    After I told her how I felt, our friendship got stronger and the next couple of months were great. Sometimes the friendship will help you forget about the rejection.
    You will have days where you feel awful, but there'll be days when you feel happy.
    Hope everything works out


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    All you can do is move on, try your luck with someone else.

    Her comment about the photo was simply that she didn't want you to hear it from anyone else (which was considerate), but in the long term you have to accept that she is going to have relationships with me.
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    Don't mention it ever again. Take steps to improve your life so you feel better about yourself. Try and find another girl to focus on.
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    Cheers guys, to be honest I know any chance of it going further are pretty unrealistic. But you can always hope I guess. My plan was to leave it a few weeks without much contact to get over it on my own terms, and then carry on from where we left off before I told her anything. Sound good?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Cheers guys, to be honest I know any chance of it going further are pretty unrealistic. But you can always hope I guess. My plan was to leave it a few weeks without much contact to get over it on my own terms, and then carry on from where we left off before I told her anything. Sound good?
    Yes, that sounds good. I think you just need to be honest with yourself in this situation, if you're not 'over it', then carry on keeping your distance. The worst thing you can do is go back to being friends in a few weeks, realize you're not 'over it', and end up making a fool out of yourself.

    More importantly you need to change things so that you don't end up in the same situation in future with a different friend.

    I have a good friend of mine who I've annoyingly liked for quite a while now.
    Don't do this. If you like someone (and neither of you are currently in a relationship), ask them on a date immediately. If they say no then you never end up building up pointless feelings. And if they say yes then great, you haven't wasted any time.

    one night when we were both quite drunk I decided to tell her
    And never do this. Just ask girls on dates, don't tell them you like them, they can infer that from the fact that you have asked them to do some activity together. Also, to be clear, you don't need to expressly state that something is a date.

    Bottom line is that you need to be more honest about your intentions. By that I mean that 'pretending' to only want to be friends until you get desperate enough or drunk enough to blurt out your true feelings isn't honest.
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    You can still be friends just act like nothing happened. Talking about it is not going to do either of you any good.
 
 
 
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