Join TSR now for chat about life, relationships, fashion and more…Sign up now

Male POV needed desperately! Watch

    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Imagine you're a 22 year old guy (if you are, you're doing splendidly so far). You're very shy by nature when it comes to women. You've had sex with 3 girls, all of them more or less hook ups from bars. You haven't really had any luck with your crushes, and you've never been in a relationship. There have been girls who liked you, but who you weren't interested in. One of them tried to hit on you constantly when you met in bars by coincident, even when she had a boyfriend (and when he cheated on her, she cried about it to you, but she returned to him), and another one sent you many messages, but you weren't keen on her. However, you didn't tell them straight that you weren't interested in them, they just didn't get your hints.

    Six months ago you met a nice girl in a bar, you saw each other for 2 months, and now you've been in a relatonship for 4 months. A week ago you two found out that you might've given her an STD. You had unprotected sex with one of the 3 girls (she said it was her birthday tomorrow, she was in a bar for the 1st time, and she claimed she had no STDs). You and your girlfriend are broken, you talk and cry together, but manage to patch things up almost completely. Now, however, your girlfriend (SPOILER ALERT, the author of this post) is seriously doubting your judgement when it comes to women. She doesn't have sex with anyone she doesn't have deep feelings for (that includes you, you lucky *******), so she doesn't know if she can trust you, because

    1. You had unprotected sex and only had very feeble excuses as to why you did so.

    2. You didn't tell any of the girls directly that you weren't interested in them. Would you act the same now that you have a girlfriend?

    3. You don't have a lot of (well, good ones anyway) experience with women, so would you get tempted easily?

    Now, I know you're not mind readers, I don't expect you to be. But I'd appreciate it if you could analyze this a bit for me. Do I have reasons to doubt him? I'm very poor at trusting people, and now I feel he's broken my trust a bit. I'd really appreciate any thoughts on this! (PS, I'm 20, and no, English is not my 1st language.)
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Wow. Just a thought... Is it possible that the STD you got was not in fact a result of promiscuity but in fact an infection or illness that one of you contracted?

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Yes, I also consider that as a strong possibility (he, however, is so hellbent on guilt that he refuses to admit that it might not be his fault). I've taken antibiotics prescribed by a doctor, but they did no good. We're still waiting for results on STDs and infections. I've said to him that it was stupid not to get tested, but I'm willing to forgive him even if I have an STD (since the symptoms point towards chlamydia, I'm not THAT worried). I'm just questioning his judgement. We obviously do and think about things very differently, and I'm wondering if it could affect our relationship in the future.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by hääyöaie)
    Imagine you're a 22 year old guy (if you are, you're doing splendidly so far). You're very shy by nature when it comes to women. You've had sex with 3 girls, all of them more or less hook ups from bars. You haven't really had any luck with your crushes, and you've never been in a relationship. There have been girls who liked you, but who you weren't interested in. One of them tried to hit on you constantly when you met in bars by coincident, even when she had a boyfriend (and when he cheated on her, she cried about it to you, but she returned to him), and another one sent you many messages, but you weren't keen on her. However, you didn't tell them straight that you weren't interested in them, they just didn't get your hints.

    Six months ago you met a nice girl in a bar, you saw each other for 2 months, and now you've been in a relatonship for 4 months. A week ago you two found out that you might've given her an STD. You had unprotected sex with one of the 3 girls (she said it was her birthday tomorrow, she was in a bar for the 1st time, and she claimed she had no STDs). You and your girlfriend are broken, you talk and cry together, but manage to patch things up almost completely. Now, however, your girlfriend (SPOILER ALERT, the author of this post) is seriously doubting your judgement when it comes to women. She doesn't have sex with anyone she doesn't have deep feelings for (that includes you, you lucky *******), so she doesn't know if she can trust you, because
    1. You had unprotected sex and only had very feeble excuses as to why you did so.
    2. You didn't tell any of the girls directly that you weren't interested in them. Would you act the same now that you have a girlfriend?
    3. You don't have a lot of (well, good ones anyway) experience with women, so would you get tempted easily?

    Now, I know you're not mind readers, I don't expect you to be. But I'd appreciate it if you could analyze this a bit for me. Do I have reasons to doubt him? I'm very poor at trusting people, and now I feel he's broken my trust a bit. I'd really appreciate any thoughts on this! (PS, I'm 20, and no, English is not my 1st language.)
    I don't see a problem with #2 - I wouldn't deliberately hurt someone's feelings by telling them directly that I'm not interested. In any case, given his inexperience, he may have been mistaken that they were interested in the first place. Point #3... I don't know him well enough to comment. However, point #1 is more problematic. You said he's "broken my trust a bit". Well, English may not be your first language, but you have mastered the use of understatement! For a lot of people, betrayal of trust is the end of the relationship - I think it would be for me.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Pastaferian)
    I don't see a problem with #2 - I wouldn't deliberately hurt someone's feelings by telling them directly that I'm not interested. In any case, given his inexperience, he may have been mistaken that they were interested in the first place. Point #3... I don't know him well enough to comment. However, point #1 is more problematic. You said he's "broken my trust a bit". Well, English may not be your first language, but you have mastered the use of understatement! For a lot of people, betrayal of trust is the end of the relationship - I think it would be for me.
    Yes, the problem with #2 is not that he spared a maiden's heart, but the fact that he let it continue on and on. The girls never got the point, and thought that they had a chance. Although I understand your point, he seemed fairly adamant that they were into him (but he has shown me that he doesn't always get women, so... Yeah, you might be right).

    And as grim as it sounds, I'm quite used to not trusting people completely. I used to trust him 100%, but after these stories came to light, I've started to question him. I understand wholeheartedly why people often end their relationships when their trust is broken. But I'm very suspicious of people by nature (yes, a trait all men love in their girlfriends), and I'm not willing to end a good thing when nothing has happened yet.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by hääyöaie)
    Yes, the problem with #2 is not that he spared a maiden's heart, but the fact that he let it continue on and on. The girls never got the point, and thought that they had a chance. Although I understand your point, he seemed fairly adamant that they were into him (but he has shown me that he doesn't always get women, so... Yeah, you might be right).

    And as grim as it sounds, I'm quite used to not trusting people completely. I used to trust him 100%, but after these stories came to light, I've started to question him. I understand wholeheartedly why people often end their relationships when their trust is broken. But I'm very suspicious of people by nature (yes, a trait all men love in their girlfriends), and I'm not willing to end a good thing when nothing has happened yet.

    Something sounds fishy here. How come you only got chlamydia after 4 months of having sex, wouldnt it have appeared sooner? (Genuine question, not that I know much about chlamydia). If this guy had sex only 3 times and un-proteceted sex once, isnt it pretty unlikely that he 'd contract chlamydia? ..Seems to me something doesnt quite add up. Also why would he be so guilt-ridden if he only had sex once. Surely, there;d be some doubt in his mind.

    Sounds to me he was either sleepign with more women or perhaps a few not so sound women.
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by hääyöaie)
    Imagine you're a 22 year old guy (if you are, you're doing splendidly so far). You're very shy by nature when it comes to women. You've had sex with 3 girls, all of them more or less hook ups from bars. You haven't really had any luck with your crushes, and you've never been in a relationship. There have been girls who liked you, but who you weren't interested in. One of them tried to hit on you constantly when you met in bars by coincident, even when she had a boyfriend (and when he cheated on her, she cried about it to you, but she returned to him), and another one sent you many messages, but you weren't keen on her. However, you didn't tell them straight that you weren't interested in them, they just didn't get your hints.

    Six months ago you met a nice girl in a bar, you saw each other for 2 months, and now you've been in a relatonship for 4 months. A week ago you two found out that you might've given her an STD. You had unprotected sex with one of the 3 girls (she said it was her birthday tomorrow, she was in a bar for the 1st time, and she claimed she had no STDs). You and your girlfriend are broken, you talk and cry together, but manage to patch things up almost completely. Now, however, your girlfriend (SPOILER ALERT, the author of this post) is seriously doubting your judgement when it comes to women. She doesn't have sex with anyone she doesn't have deep feelings for (that includes you, you lucky *******), so she doesn't know if she can trust you, because

    1. You had unprotected sex and only had very feeble excuses as to why you did so.

    2. You didn't tell any of the girls directly that you weren't interested in them. Would you act the same now that you have a girlfriend?

    3. You don't have a lot of (well, good ones anyway) experience with women, so would you get tempted easily?

    Now, I know you're not mind readers, I don't expect you to be. But I'd appreciate it if you could analyze this a bit for me. Do I have reasons to doubt him? I'm very poor at trusting people, and now I feel he's broken my trust a bit. I'd really appreciate any thoughts on this! (PS, I'm 20, and no, English is not my 1st language.)
    As a 22 year old man with a girlfriend whose had one night stands in the past, I think I'm suited to answering this!

    1. Well I've done this too. Before I had any sex I was very much "it's so obvious you should always wear a condom". But it's easier said than done, y'know, heat of the moment.

    2. It's pretty awkward to tell a girl you're not interested if you're single, but if you have a girlfriend, you just say that.

    3. I think anyone can get tempted, but if you love each other, it should be enough.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I've had symptoms for about 3-4 months, and I just suspected an ordinary infection. And we haven't had unprotected intercourse, but I've given him blowjobs without a condom and he's eaten me out without protection. And it might not be an STD, and the fact that I might have an STD isn't the point. But you raised some valid questions indeed.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Mankytoes)
    As a 22 year old man with a girlfriend whose had one night stands in the past, I think I'm suited to answering this!

    1. Well I've done this too. Before I had any sex I was very much "it's so obvious you should always wear a condom". But it's easier said than done, y'know, heat of the moment.

    2. It's pretty awkward to tell a girl you're not interested if you're single, but if you have a girlfriend, you just say that.

    3. I think anyone can get tempted, but if you love each other, it should be enough.
    Your reply calmed my mind a little, thanks Let's just hope that he thinks the same way.
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    If it's something easily cured like Chlamydia, she needs to get over it.
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by hääyöaie)
    Your reply calmed my mind a little, thanks Let's just hope that he thinks the same way.
    I see where you're coming from, as someone who links sex with a deep emotional connection, it seems to you that if he can have sex so casually and recklessly, he is at risk of cheating. What I would say to that is that with the other girls, it was only himself at risk (ie through STD), or the other girls emotionally, but that's their fault really, if they are hooking up with guys in bars and then expecting a definite commitment.

    As someone in a fairly similar position to you boyfriend, I wouldn't ever cheat. Even when I had some time apart from my first girlfriend and was planning on breaking up with her, I didn't do anything. Having a casual attitude to sex when single doesn't make you a nasty person, and cheating on a girlfriend really is a nasty thing to do, when you consider how much it will upset them.
    • PS Helper
    • Study Helper
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    You need to wait and see if it actually is an STD before getting so upset and playing the blame game.


    From the guys perspective, how dare you act all high and mighty with him for something he didn't do on purpose and is clearly devastated about. Whilst you're understandably upset, STDs don't seek out bad people and latch on to them, you have no right to make such judgements about his choice in sexual partners, especially if you've contracted something from him and thus according to your own reasoning just as naive.

    It's a very upsetting thing, but don't take it out on eachother. Breaking up over it would just make it so much worse.
    • Community Assistant
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    For someone who needs to have big feelings for someone before they'd be sexual with them, all casual sex involves feeble excuses

    He was offered stuff, and didn't say yes. He now has an active reason to say no - as someone above says 'I've got a partner' is a totally socially acceptable reason for turning someone down.

    Talk to him about what you both want from the relationship. What is ok for you? Him being attracted to other people (it will happen)? Him talking to you about this (do you want to know)? Him actually doing something about it? Make it very clear what the answer to the last one is...
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Yawn11)
    If it's something easily cured like Chlamydia, she needs to get over it.
    I'm assuming that you didn't read past the first few sentences. Nice troll Chris.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Mankytoes)
    I see where you're coming from, as someone who links sex with a deep emotional connection, it seems to you that if he can have sex so casually and recklessly, he is at risk of cheating. What I would say to that is that with the other girls, it was only himself at risk (ie through STD), or the other girls emotionally, but that's their fault really, if they are hooking up with guys in bars and then expecting a definite commitment.

    As someone in a fairly similar position to you boyfriend, I wouldn't ever cheat. Even when I had some time apart from my first girlfriend and was planning on breaking up with her, I didn't do anything. Having a casual attitude to sex when single doesn't make you a nasty person, and cheating on a girlfriend really is a nasty thing to do, when you consider how much it will upset them.
    Yeah, you're right. I don't think that he's a bad person, I'm just wondering why he didn't get tested. I just hope that his morals are as sound as yours
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by hääyöaie)
    A week ago you two found out that you might've given her an STD.
    (Original post by Yawn11)
    If it's something easily cured like Chlamydia, she needs to get over it.
    (Original post by hääyöaie)
    I'm assuming that you didn't read past the first few sentences.
    Evidently.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    I can't even follow this...
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Hal.E.Lujah)
    You need to wait and see if it actually is an STD before getting so upset and playing the blame game.


    From the guys perspective, how dare you act all high and mighty with him for something he didn't do on purpose and is clearly devastated about. Whilst you're understandably upset, STDs don't seek out bad people and latch on to them, you have no right to make such judgements about his choice in sexual partners, especially if you've contracted something from him and thus according to your own reasoning just as naive.

    It's a very upsetting thing, but don't take it out on eachother. Breaking up over it would just make it so much worse.
    We're not playing the blame game, we're thinking about what it could be. I've been checked before we started having sex, and he admits that it would have been wise to go get tested before we did anything. This reply actually made me laugh a little out loud. There has been no talk of breaking up, I've been thinking whether I should discuss my thoughts with him. I don't know about you, but I think you should try to fix things (i.e talk) before throwing them away.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Yawn11)
    Evidently.
    (Original post by hääyöaie)
    And it might not be an STD, and the fact that I might have an STD isn't the point.
    Lost your concentration somewhere along the way huh?

    BTW, sorry to everyone for the ****ty quoting, it's my first time here, and for some reason I lack the skills to multiquote.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by hääyöaie)
    Imagine you're a 22 year old guy (if you are, you're doing splendidly so far). You're very shy by nature when it comes to women. You've had sex with 3 girls, all of them more or less hook ups from bars. You haven't really had any luck with your crushes, and you've never been in a relationship. There have been girls who liked you, but who you weren't interested in. One of them tried to hit on you constantly when you met in bars by coincident, even when she had a boyfriend (and when he cheated on her, she cried about it to you, but she returned to him), and another one sent you many messages, but you weren't keen on her. However, you didn't tell them straight that you weren't interested in them, they just didn't get your hints.

    Six months ago you met a nice girl in a bar, you saw each other for 2 months, and now you've been in a relatonship for 4 months. A week ago you two found out that you might've given her an STD. You had unprotected sex with one of the 3 girls (she said it was her birthday tomorrow, she was in a bar for the 1st time, and she claimed she had no STDs). You and your girlfriend are broken, you talk and cry together, but manage to patch things up almost completely. Now, however, your girlfriend (SPOILER ALERT, the author of this post) is seriously doubting your judgement when it comes to women. She doesn't have sex with anyone she doesn't have deep feelings for (that includes you, you lucky *******), so she doesn't know if she can trust you, because

    1. You had unprotected sex and only had very feeble excuses as to why you did so.

    2. You didn't tell any of the girls directly that you weren't interested in them. Would you act the same now that you have a girlfriend?

    3. You don't have a lot of (well, good ones anyway) experience with women, so would you get tempted easily?

    Now, I know you're not mind readers, I don't expect you to be. But I'd appreciate it if you could analyze this a bit for me. Do I have reasons to doubt him? I'm very poor at trusting people, and now I feel he's broken my trust a bit. I'd really appreciate any thoughts on this! (PS, I'm 20, and no, English is not my 1st language.)
    I'd say the answers to 2 & 3 are most likely "no" - I don't think you need to worry about those points.
    For 2, If you're a guy, and a girl's interested in you, it's very difficult to tell her you don't like her, especially if you're single.
    And for 3, obviously it depends on the person (you have to be the judge of this). But if the guy's in a relationship, he'll have little reason to cheat. In my opinion, the only reason he was so casual about sex before is because he wanted to 'build up' experience, which is kind of justified (imo).

    The thing I'd be worried about is number 1. First is the issue he had unprotected sex with a stranger (would I be right in saying that's out of character for him??) - but again, that could just be down to the heat of the moment etc etc
    The worrying thing is he didn't get himself tested after, and didn't get himself tested knowing he was getting into a relationship with you, and knew he'd be putting you at risk. Why would he do that?! That's the main thing I'd be asking him (if I were you )

    Oh and btw, your English is impeccable :eek:
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: March 31, 2013
Poll
Which Fantasy Franchise is the best?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Quick reply
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.