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    Hi everyone,

    If you can't be bothered to read, you don't have to. This is really for those who can be bothered, and I hope so truly there will be some people that are bothered.

    So was just wondering if anyone who has grown up with an alcoholic parent(s), particularly a mother, wanted to write any messages and maybe talk about things, just so we feel like we have a common place where we can come really. Any constructive contributions you might have to make regardless of whether you do or don't have these issues are welcome .

    Personally, I just really need to get this down. For me right now, I'm 19 going on 20; I've matured with this problem; I've learnt to deal with it growing up. Obviously you have those coping mechanisms, because you know you have to keep going - and yes, you find ways to survive... but while you're doing that you create an almost emotional debt that you have to come back to. I feel as though I sort of shoved my problems under the carpet as I was growing up, I built up this deep depression that I have been supressing every time I had to see my mother in this pathetic state, look after her and nurture her when it should really have been the other way round. I've been bottling this up. This instability. Just this feeling that I was the sole carer really. Needing something solid, something true to root you in place; but having irrationality and chaos in the place of foundations.

    I suppose one thing I was talking about with my counsellor is not being put first. There's just this deep feeling in me right now. As my mum drinks herself away downstairs, that you are always second best. See, I've tried to help her; so hard. To understand her, when she's drunk, when she's not drunk, but she won't have it. There's only one thing she wants. And that's drink. You extend yourself to someone, you give them your whole emotional self and all you get is a drunken sloppy pat in return. Slurring words and then that horrible familiar trickle of more wine . You try so hard to get her to change but she just won't. Sorry, I'm just trying to get this out but it's going pretty deep. It's just the esteem issues really. I feel worthless. Trying to help; trying to get her to change; to go along to meetings; to tackle her depression. But you just feel like nothing inside because she never, ever put you first. And youre almost 20 now and still, she won't change. It'll keep on .

    Another thing, is I get this feeling of an untrue relationship and an untrue marriage between my parents. I'm not sure why they are still together. All I ever really felt between my parents growing up was anger and turmoil. I search to find the love and I'm sure there is, there is some love in between them somewhere, but I'm not sure if it's just really really tarred; I'm not sure if it's just a lie. I've heard so many lies and so many differetn versions of the same thing from both parents, I can't even be sure what the truth is. I don't feel that my dad can ever possibly love my mum, with her being the way it is. I feel it's always been a convenience thing; together for the money; together for the kids; together for society. But that's so so flawed. Because my dad's heads never really been in this house rooted in our family. And I can't blame him. Because of the way she behaves. I've felt so angry. I've felt lied to. I've felt neglected. I' m sorry I know all this sounds dramatic but it's just the way I feel. I have had to live with my parents for a while this year and what destroyed me every day of my life when I was growing up has come back to haunt. You can move away but your problems are still always alive back home.

    I think what hurts most is how much I've tried to move forward really, but that you can't escape from your background and your past and your roots. You try and move forward and I will. It's just painful that there's this on going thing you can't escape from. That the one person who promised to love and nurture you and care for you no matter what, seemed to love and nurture and care for alcohol more... It's painful. Youre jealous of those with something concrete. So jealous. Because inside you are just a shell of a person and you have to face the world with so much might.

    Thanks for reading if you did and I look forward to hearing from anyone who can offer an insight into what it's like growing up with alcoholic parents. Also p.s. sorry a lot of this came out in the second person - not sure why it did. It was just a stream of consciousness really. Sorry it's so long. Thanks again. X
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    I have some advice to offer:

    1. Could you mention rehab to her? She has to want to do it herself, but if she knows you're supportive (and you seem really supportive), she is more likely to want to sort her problems out as she knows there is a foundation for her.
    2. This is more negative, you're almost 20, an adult. In this amount of time you've grown up. I really sympathise that your Mum wasn't really there to support you when you were at the ages of development (teenage years). If she has always been like this, it's going to be harder for her to change. You have the rest of your life ahead of you and you've survived this long.
    3. Moreover, it's definitely not your fault that your Mum is like this. There is obviously a root cause of her drinking, but she needs to overcome this herself, though it's easier if she has a base of support. It will be frustrating because as a mother you expect her to be the parent figure and leader, instead of you picking up the pieces. The worse years are over, do not let it dictate how your life ends up.

    However, she seems to have a wonderful daughter and is lucky to have you. Keep going.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have some advice to offer:

    1. Could you mention rehab to her? She has to want to do it herself, but if she knows you're supportive (and you seem really supportive), she is more likely to want to sort her problems out as she knows there is a foundation for her.
    2. This is more negative, you're almost 20, an adult. In this amount of time you've grown up. I really sympathise that your Mum wasn't really there to support you when you were at the ages of development (teenage years). If she has always been like this, it's going to be harder for her to change. You have the rest of your life ahead of you and you've survived this long.
    3. Moreover, it's definitely not your fault that your Mum is like this. There is obviously a root cause of her drinking, but she needs to overcome this herself, though it's easier if she has a base of support. It will be frustrating because as a mother you expect her to be the parent figure and leader, instead of you picking up the pieces. The worse years are over, do not let it dictate how your life ends up.

    However, she seems to have a wonderful daughter and is lucky to have you. Keep going.
    Thanks for your reply and your suggestions. To be honest right now I just feel that she really doesn't want to help herself at all - she simply wants to remain in the rut she is in and I really can't help her unless she wants to change. Time has taught me that she will be forced into doing nothing, no matter if it is for her own good. You really can't help someone who is determined to be the way they are. She is also very irrational and not responsive to reasoning. There's nothing I can do to help her anymore. I feel like one reason why I have ended up with so many esteem issues, anger issues and mood issues is because I focussed too much on her; and never myself. There comes a time when you just have to be selfish in life. I was neglected and I have also neglected myself for too long. I have not mentionned rehab to her but you see, she wishes to continue in the same way she is; she is not even willing to accept she has a problem, unfortunately . Even at AA meetings she could not admit she was an alcoholic. She sees no real solution to her problems beyond alcohol so I don't believe she would want to go to rehab.
    You suggest I give her support which is fair enough but I'm not equipped to support her anymore - unfortunately, I believe that you cannot help anyone else unless you help yourself first. And her being in my life is toxic to me so it prevents me helping myself. It's for her to choose now. If she wants to change, then it's down to her to realise how important it is - but I am not getting involved with her anymore. It's too destructive for me.
    Thanks again for listening and making suggestions and you are very right; I should not let this affect my life because it was to do with her. I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I really do appreciate your reply . All the best to you X
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    Hello,
    After all suggestion your parents are not changing then just leave them :mad:. I know it's very harsh but you have to choose what is your future.Apologies if you feel bad...
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    Hi OP,

    Sorry you've had such a hard time. I hope you can build some foundations and sense of stability in the future. Perhaps your Mum will change eventually but you're right you have to look after yourself/put yourself first

    (nb: My dad is probably an alcoholic but wasn't when I was a child. My aunt is an alcoholic and used to have massive mood swings and irrational behaviour, which I, and more importantly her children, found very distressing)
 
 
 
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