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read my first chapter! ( inspired by the caption thread!) Watch

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    Here's the caption http://awwapp.com/s/a3/f0/4e.html

    Here's the first chapter of the story to go with it! enjoy give me feedback too.

    Chapter one
    Galloping fast and heavily, her sweaty hair swayed in the wind, falling upon the side of her tanned forehead. She was wearing nothing but a kikata, which covered her genital region. On her back was a rectangular back pack, with a dozen or so arrows filled in it. In the palm of her left hand she was gripping a bow, made from the trees of which were densely scattered around. 12 arrows was a safety precaution. She only needed one. That’s because, the robusts never attacked in groups. They were lone wolves, so to speak- Giant creatures, at least 2 metres tall, with an arrow-proof shell for a torso, with a massive line separating the body into two, vertically. For hands they had had 3 claws, and on their heads were 2 piercing emerald eyes.
    “I’m thirsty...” moaned makika impatiently, the sound hardly audible through the noises of his paws smashing constantly on the ground.
    “What kind of a makika are you?” snarled the girl.
    “We’ve been hunting all day, give me a break. Plus it’s going to get dark soon, so we have to head back anyway!” Exclaimed the exhausted makika.
    “I swear, if you were anybody else’s makika, I’d throw you off a cliff. You’re useless. And yet here I am, stuck with you!
    “Ok…. Hey, look at those footprints, that’s where some fresh water will be! Oh c’mon, we’ve been hunting all day to no prevail! And you know we can’t stay out after dark.
    “Why shouldn’t we? I’m big enough to hunt them on my own, what worse things are there than the robusts? As if when it gets dark, they suddenly get some super powers or something stupid like that”
    I don’t know, but you know it’s not up to me. It’s on the orders of the grand elder”
    “Well screw the grand elder!”
    Lauren! You know cursing against the grand elder is punishable by death.
    “Ugh, fine. We’ll get you some water. Be careful that I don’t drown you in it.”
    So off they trotted, following the trail of the footprints. First eastwards for a while, then detoured around a series of bushes from which the footprints had gone straight through, and circled back around so they met back up with it. Then the footprints led them in a north-western direction, until the shimmer and reflection of the sky bounced off a small river.
    “5 minutes is all I’m giving you. And wait here, I’m going to get some red bulti (a special kind of plant with medicinal properties) exclaimed Lauren, and moodily stormed off. Makika knew she wasn’t supposed to go anywhere without her, it only makes it harder when they grow up, where they have to be inseparable. Literally. But, makika was too tired to argue with her, yet again. So, bending down on all 4 of its legs, and examining which part of the river looked most nourishing with its big, beamy eye, then proceeded to take a massive gulp of refreshingly cold water.” Lovely” thought makika. Maybe the reason Lauren is getting so moody is because, well to be quite frank, they hadn’t killed any robusts in a while. It was a different story in the very past, where they would kill up to 5 robusts a day! But in the present, they are lucky to even see one each 40 moons!
    Lauren was submerged in a bush, picking the finest bulti. Normally, the bulti grows in areas of its colour, e.g. all red bulti would grow in one bush, and all blue would grow in a different bush. However, this case was different. Blue, green, red… all kinds of bulti were hanging off the long, narrow stems of this bush. Birds chirped and the flustering sounds of their wings bouncing together echoed across Laurens ear, the fresh air blew against her face whilst she picked off the bulti and threw them in her bag pack with the arrows in. Now, Lauren knew the red bulti healed wounds from battle (and obviously, their clan was engaged in battle a lot, so it was very important.) Blue was a poison which would paralyse a person for at least 1 moon, green would kill a person within minutes. Lauren had decided she had enough bulti, and admired the scenery once more. There was a brilliant sunlight fighting to get through, but was fading away. Shafts of gold-coloured vines swung from the tops of gigantic trees and flung down to the bottom of the forest floor. Mushroom and dreary brown leaves, of shapes which resembled anything and everything, lay puffed up effortlessly, as if trying to be revived and to be able to fly. Smaller birds hopped from branch to branch, higher up, past the mist was the sound of eagles circling in the air.
    “ Scraaaaa help!!!!!!!!!!”
    Lauren snapped out of her moment of admiration, into fight or flight mode. She rushed out of the bush, and peered into the open. Nothing to be seen. Nothing. Her heart was beating fast, and her face became puffy. Crap, where’s makika? Lauren rushed North West, running as fast her little legs would go, zig-zagging and jumping over logs and brushing past various in-the-way plants and bushes, occasionally using the vines to swing on, as it was faster. Finally, Lauren ran around the corner of a load of bushes and trees, into the opening, and the river was in site. And so was makika. And so was a Robust. 4 of them. And they were all circling makika.
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    anyone?
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    (Original post by iamgreatness)
    anybody?
    Not allowed to bump a thread, just a heads up.

    I know it's an extract and all, but chances are you won't get a very comprehensive analysis over here. But I'll put in my 2 cents;
    Don't say 'that's because'. You make it seem like an essay. Simply stating the robusts never attacked in groups will suffice.
    Be a bit more descriptive. How were the claws? Were they big? Sharp? etc.
    Try and inform the reader indirectly. For example, instead of bluntly stating facts about the bulti, you could state that your character was surprised or had realized the fact that the bulti bush was multicolored.
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    (Original post by Ignitus)
    Not allowed to bump a thread, just a heads up.

    I know it's an extract and all, but chances are you won't get a very comprehensive analysis over here. But I'll put in my 2 cents;
    Don't say 'that's because'. You make it seem like an essay. Simply stating the robusts never attacked in groups will suffice.
    Be a bit more descriptive. How were the claws? Were they big? Sharp? etc.
    Try and inform the reader indirectly. For example, instead of bluntly stating facts about the bulti, you could state that your character was surprised or had realized the fact that the bulti bush was multicolored.
    i didnt describe it loads because i drew a picture of it
    but thnx for the advice, wat u think is gona happen next?
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    (Original post by iamgreatness)
    i didnt describe it loads because i drew a picture of it
    but thnx for the advice, wat u think is gona happen next?
    I see you.
    I personally don't think about that. I let the words take me, adds an element of surprise as it eliminates the disadvantage of predictability.
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    (Original post by Ignitus)
    I see you.
    I personally don't think about that. I let the words take me, adds an element of surprise as it eliminates the disadvantage of predictability.
    oh yh

    would u want to read on
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    No, because it's not my favored genre, and as a draft, it's rushed and doesn't create tension. When you get on to the real thing, you might have kept me going though. Just be careful not to overwhelm the reader. Start slow, relaxed, and build up gradually.

    Watch the film Law Abiding Citizen, or read the book The Analyst. Both of them have a really brief period of calm and peace, and then bam, catastrophe resulting in powerful emotion and suspense. I prefer this structure.
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    (Original post by Ignitus)
    No, because it's not my favored genre, and as a draft, it's rushed and doesn't create tension. When you get on to the real thing, you might have kept me going though. Just be careful not to overwhelm the reader. Start slow, relaxed, and build up gradually.

    Watch the film Law Abiding Citizen, or read the book The Analyst. Both of them have a really brief period of calm and peace, and then bam, catastrophe resulting in powerful emotion and suspense. I prefer this structure.
    so u think im going too fast? u think im going into action 2 quickly? and ok i will check them out thnx for ur advice
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    Yes. I've only given you a few criticisms, there's much you need to improve on, and that's fine, step 1 step 2 remember.

    “Hey, look at those footprints, that’s where some fresh water will be!"

    =

    "Hey, take a look..." directed _______, his attention occupied by large, scattered footprints recessed into the damp mud that blanketed his khaki sandals.
    "Nice." acknowledged _____, sharing a natural cognition that it would lead to the crystalline waters of __________ lake.

    See what I mean? Take things slowly, relaxed. Don't make things too inyourface.
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    (Original post by Ignitus)
    Yes. I've only given you a few criticisms, there's much you need to improve on, and that's fine, step 1 step 2 remember.

    “Hey, look at those footprints, that’s where some fresh water will be!"

    =

    "Hey, take a look..." directed _______, his attention occupied by large, scattered footprints recessed into the damp mud that blanketed his khaki sandals.
    "Nice." acknowledged _____, sharing a natural cognition that it would lead to the crystalline waters of __________ lake.

    See what I mean? Take things slowly, relaxed. Don't make things too inyourface.
    thats pretty decent, do u mind if i nick that?
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    If you wish, but I prefer you take the basic sketch and tweak the wording a bit, adapt it to your own manner; an abrupt change in style is quite conspicuous to a reader's eye, and this will help you as a writer if you can identify the main techniques and structure and then apply them elsewhere, if that makes sense.
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    (Original post by Ignitus)
    If you wish, but I prefer you take the basic sketch and tweak the wording a bit, adapt it to your own manner; an abrupt change in style is quite conspicuous to a reader's eye, and this will help you as a writer if you can identify the main techniques and structure and then apply them elsewhere, if that makes sense.
    yh safe, do u write too?
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    (Original post by iamgreatness)
    yh safe, do u write too?
    Well, I'm only 14, so I'm concentrating on my GCSE's at the moment. But I aspire to become an author, and I believe it's not such an unlikely ambition for me given that it's seemingly an innate ability (my first story was about a magic brick in infants, my teacher read it out in assembly ). I've been admitted into creative writing clubs reserved for elder students and I've gained respect from teachers as a short story of mine was shared around.

    Sorry, can't help but babble on about myself :l
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    (Original post by Ignitus)
    Well, I'm only 14, so I'm concentrating on my GCSE's at the moment. But I aspire to become an author, and I believe it's not such an unlikely ambition for me given that it's seemingly an innate ability (my first story was about a magic brick in infants, my teacher read it out in assembly ). I've been admitted into creative writing clubs reserved for elder students and I've gained respect from teachers as a short story of mine was shared around.

    Sorry, can't help but babble on about myself :l
    would love to hear your magic brick story... can u post it pleez ?
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    (Original post by Ignitus)
    Well, I'm only 14, so I'm concentrating on my GCSE's at the moment. But I aspire to become an author, and I believe it's not such an unlikely ambition for me given that it's seemingly an innate ability (my first story was about a magic brick in infants, my teacher read it out in assembly ). I've been admitted into creative writing clubs reserved for elder students and I've gained respect from teachers as a short story of mine was shared around.

    Sorry, can't help but babble on about myself :l
    at 14 u got talent bro, u can go far i can tell keep going at it until u realise ur dream fam
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    (Original post by the bear)
    would love to hear your magic brick story... can u post it pleez ?
    wat u think bout my first chapter i havent edited it yet
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    (Original post by the bear)
    would love to hear your magic brick story... can u post it pleez ?
    lol it was in infants school! I can recall a bit of the storyline though. There was a boy who used to break bricks in his spare time, and he was going to break another one when it abruptly started talking and offered 3 wishes (how original) in return for it's life. One was for more wishes, and when the brick stated he couldn't wish for that, he wished he could. That's all I remember. My older brother asked me to tell it to him every night.

    Oh, and the brick was multicolored. It's better than it sounds!

    (Original post by iamgreatness)
    at 14 u got talent bro, u can go far i can tell keep going at it until u realise ur dream fam
    Thanks mate, will do! But you remember too, you're not far away.
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    Your 14? By your writing style I'd have guessed 7...just not good
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    (Original post by Harrow.7)
    Your 14? By your writing style I'd have guessed 7...just not good
    im 18
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    Genuinely? It was painful to read.

    Not sure if it's because that's an extract, or because your style is iffy, but I really did struggle through.
 
 
 
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