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Family problems, cultural and religious aspect, desperately need advice Watch

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    Hi I don't mean to cause offence but I need Muslims to reply to this due to the fact that I need religious advice and I'm Muslim, please don't take offence and please I don't wish there to be any hate so kindly take it elsewhere. This might be a lot to read but please just carry on I desperately need some advice on what to do. Also please can this be Anon, I don't want any family knowing I wrote this.


    I'm a Muslim (British Indian) in my late teens, and recently my family has been having A LOT of problems. The most recent is my paternal grandfather has taken ill in India and we think he might be in his last stages. We wish to visit him in order to pay respect (mulaakaat if any fellow Indians are reading this) if he is about to pass. The thing is my father and mother have had a tough marriage (- they are very superstitious and have been told by a pious person that someone gave them bad-dua and wished them harm. This was over 10 years ago and alhumdulillah they have been fine. ) but my father has recently become more agitated and short tempered as if he can't stand any of us any more. The littlest thing causes him to shout and sometimes he raises his hand in anger but this is rare as we choose to stay away from him as much as possible.

    My father wants to go to India from the end of June to the beginning of September but we cannot go due to college and school commitments for me and my younger sister. He understands this but then insists on going himself. My mother refuses firstly due to the fact that she is slightly depressed and needs a holiday to clear her mind but doesn't wish to leave her children behind. She is very 'all for one and one for all' minded. Also when the first bad-dua thing happened my father and mother had made a trip to India and then their troubles started. She does not wish for us to have to go through it again or herself as she is suicidal at her lowest time and wouldn't cope.

    The only solution my father can think of is to take me with him during the summer holidays and ask my mother to come for a week so she has a change of scenery but not so to make her uneasy. The problem I have with this - I have a cousin a few years older than me in India and I know that if I go to India I will be married off to him which is absolutely impossible because I have already told my mother about the boy I wish to marry and she is soon to tell my father but we're waiting until I have my A2 results. My father says he wouldn't let me get married to my cousin but he changes when he goes to India, he becomes a completely different person due to the fact that his mother (paternal grandmother to me) is still alive and well and he does 100% and above to please her even if it causes my mother displeasure. So if she said to my father get her married to your brothers son he would probably do it because of that motherly influence. (He has lived away From his mother for over 25 years and has seen her around 5 times so I understand he wants to make her happy but he cannot take control of my life to do that and he tries to reassure me that he wouldn't do anything I wouldn't want to but I don't know why I don't believe him in this instance)

    I trust my dad btw I just don't trust certain family members due to the fact that they always wind my father up about how he has no sons and no-one to carry on the family name, and other things which are really hurtful to repeat

    Anyway my post isn't to bore you with all the details I've already gone on too much, my question is what can I do to help my mother in this case? I admit I'm not a perfect Muslim but I'm making a conscious effort to begin to pray more than I have previously done, I just feel ultimately helpless. Is there anyone who has been in a difficult situation and prayed a specific kita'ab which helped them? If you could see my mothers plight right now you would understand my feeling of helplessness. I cannot concentrate on anything other than this problem which isn't good because I have exams and deal with stress by losing too much weight.

    If you've read all of That then thankyou from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate it honestly
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    Please, anyone?
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    Well, I'm was a pretty horrendous muslim (my mum's Muslim) and I chose Hinduism in the end (my dad's a Hindu), but what I can tell you here about your mum's situation is that there is little you can do.

    My mum truly believes in 'godmen' and receiving ill omens or "badduas" as well and she often gets very wound up about the whole thing. She nearly sent my younger sister away once when we were children because a godman told her that my sister was bringing a dark could over our home.

    In my experience, there's not much that can be done here. Your mum truly believes in the ills that have been predicted to fall on your family (just like mine did) and there is absolutely nothing you can do in this situation, other than try to take her mind off of things.

    Insofar as the marriage question is concerned, there's not much you can do other than assert yourself in a subtle manner. I know how pushy traditional Muslim homes can be and I also understand what you mean by saying that your father will get your married off to your cousin if your Dadi 'insists' on it, my mum is also easily moved by my nana's wishes, even though she knows that's not the right thing to do, what you need to do is be smart about it. Get yourself out of going for this trip. Stay in Britain with your mum and sister. Convince your dad that for the short time he allows your mum to come over, you can look after yourself and your sister and have some neighbouring auntie check in/stay with you.

    You cannot have it all and feeling desperate and sad about your situation is not going to help you any.

    I wish you the best of luck!
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    How does this thread relate to Islam any way? The problem here is culture. If you're being forced to marry him, you can't describe it as an Islamic marriage.

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Well, I'm was a pretty horrendous muslim (my mum's Muslim) and I chose Hinduism in the end (my dad's a Hindu), but what I can tell you here about your mum's situation is that there is little you can do.

    My mum truly believes in 'godmen' and receiving ill omens or "badduas" as well and she often gets very wound up about the whole thing. She nearly sent my younger sister away once when we were children because a godman told her that my sister was bringing a dark could over our home.

    In my experience, there's not much that can be done here. Your mum truly believes in the ills that have been predicted to fall on your family (just like mine did) and there is absolutely nothing you can do in this situation, other than try to take her mind off of things.

    Insofar as the marriage question is concerned, there's not much you can do other than assert yourself in a subtle manner. I know how pushy traditional Muslim homes can be and I also understand what you mean by saying that your father will get your married off to your cousin if your Dadi 'insists' on it, my mum is also easily moved by my nana's wishes, even though she knows that's not the right thing to do, what you need to do is be smart about it. Get yourself out of going for this trip. Stay in Britain with your mum and sister. Convince your dad that for the short time he allows your mum to come over, you can look after yourself and your sister and have some neighbouring auntie check in/stay with you.

    You cannot have it all and feeling desperate and sad about your situation is not going to help you any.

    I wish you the best of luck!
    Thankyou for your reply, my mum doesn't want my dad to go on his own, my dadi has never accepted her as a daughter in law and would probably try and convince my dad to marry another woman. But she wouldn't leave us alone even though I've told her that we'd be fine she's extremely protective because of her past.
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    (Original post by Mr Advice)
    How does this thread relate to Islam any way? The problem here is culture. If you're being forced to marry him, you can't describe it as an Islamic marriage.

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Sorry if I didn't make myself clear, I wanted something to pray, and I've noticed that the student room has quite a number of Muslim users so thought they may be able to help, I know that forced marriages are not allowed in Islam
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    (Original post by The Bigman)
    wtf that's incest tell your dad to grow a pair and stop believing in superstitious bull****
    It's not incest, you can marry your first cousin, superstition is always going to be a part of everything as almost everyone is slightly superstitious.

    I just wanted advice on something to pray as I've been to mosque but didn't pay attention and dropped out aged 14
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    Surah Al-Furqan, Verse 74 for a good spouse

    Sura Al ikhlas, Al falaq and an naas for protection from evil

    We're making dua for you. Please make dua for us.
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    Jazaakallah, in-Shaa-Allah I will brother/sister
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi I don't mean to cause offence but I need Muslims to reply to this due to the fact that I need religious advice and I'm Muslim, please don't take offence and please I don't wish there to be any hate so kindly take it elsewhere. This might be a lot to read but please just carry on I desperately need some advice on what to do. Also please can this be Anon, I don't want any family knowing I wrote this.


    I'm a Muslim (British Indian) in my late teens, and recently my family has been having A LOT of problems. The most recent is my paternal grandfather has taken ill in India and we think he might be in his last stages. We wish to visit him in order to pay respect (mulaakaat if any fellow Indians are reading this) if he is about to pass. The thing is my father and mother have had a tough marriage (- they are very superstitious and have been told by a pious person that someone gave them bad-dua and wished them harm. This was over 10 years ago and alhumdulillah they have been fine. ) but my father has recently become more agitated and short tempered as if he can't stand any of us any more. The littlest thing causes him to shout and sometimes he raises his hand in anger but this is rare as we choose to stay away from him as much as possible.

    My father wants to go to India from the end of June to the beginning of September but we cannot go due to college and school commitments for me and my younger sister. He understands this but then insists on going himself. My mother refuses firstly due to the fact that she is slightly depressed and needs a holiday to clear her mind but doesn't wish to leave her children behind. She is very 'all for one and one for all' minded. Also when the first bad-dua thing happened my father and mother had made a trip to India and then their troubles started. She does not wish for us to have to go through it again or herself as she is suicidal at her lowest time and wouldn't cope.

    The only solution my father can think of is to take me with him during the summer holidays and ask my mother to come for a week so she has a change of scenery but not so to make her uneasy. The problem I have with this - I have a cousin a few years older than me in India and I know that if I go to India I will be married off to him which is absolutely impossible because I have already told my mother about the boy I wish to marry and she is soon to tell my father but we're waiting until I have my A2 results. My father says he wouldn't let me get married to my cousin but he changes when he goes to India, he becomes a completely different person due to the fact that his mother (paternal grandmother to me) is still alive and well and he does 100% and above to please her even if it causes my mother displeasure. So if she said to my father get her married to your brothers son he would probably do it because of that motherly influence. (He has lived away From his mother for over 25 years and has seen her around 5 times so I understand he wants to make her happy but he cannot take control of my life to do that and he tries to reassure me that he wouldn't do anything I wouldn't want to but I don't know why I don't believe him in this instance)

    I trust my dad btw I just don't trust certain family members due to the fact that they always wind my father up about how he has no sons and no-one to carry on the family name, and other things which are really hurtful to repeat

    Anyway my post isn't to bore you with all the details I've already gone on too much, my question is what can I do to help my mother in this case? I admit I'm not a perfect Muslim but I'm making a conscious effort to begin to pray more than I have previously done, I just feel ultimately helpless. Is there anyone who has been in a difficult situation and prayed a specific kita'ab which helped them? If you could see my mothers plight right now you would understand my feeling of helplessness. I cannot concentrate on anything other than this problem which isn't good because I have exams and deal with stress by losing too much weight.

    If you've read all of That then thankyou from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate it honestly
    Hi,

    Just to clarify this "bad duaa", think about it, its a prayer to Allah.....why would someone pray for something bad to happened and Allah to grant it? So your family is overly superstitious and really doesn't make sense in Islam. I would also look into this "pious person", cos a lot of older people especially from back home are brought up on on this "cultured Islam" and are very problematic when it comes to matters concerning faith or anything else.

    I also suggest you go later on as a entire family, so July onwards and its very important to have your mother around with your situation to counteract any sort of influence.
    I understand what you mean by the influence bit, to be perfectly clearly its quite obvious your dad is very, very cultural which is really bad............I have seen this a lot in south Asians, they are easily influenced to please others and do anything to be part of them even going against what they believe to fit in.

    You got a few options, one of which is to get essentially engaged to that boy or get this boy to come over with his family for a proposal to stop any sort of thing happening abroad. Other than that you got to lay down the law and have a family discussion about this and in particular your worries of your dad.
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    (Original post by Iqbal007)
    Hi,

    Just to clarify this "bad duaa", think about it, its a prayer to Allah.....why would someone pray for something bad to happened and Allah to grant it? So your family is overly superstitious and really doesn't make sense in Islam. I would also look into this "pious person", cos a lot of older people especially from back home are brought up on on this "cultured Islam" and are very problematic when it comes to matters concerning faith or anything else.

    I also suggest you go later on as a entire family, so July onwards and its very important to have your mother around with your situation to counteract any sort of influence.
    I understand what you mean by the influence bit, to be perfectly clearly its quite obvious your dad is very, very cultural which is really bad............I have seen this a lot in south Asians, they are easily influenced to please others and do anything to be part of them even going against what they believe to fit in.

    You got a few options, one of which is to get essentially engaged to that boy or get this boy to come over with his family for a proposal to stop any sort of thing happening abroad. Other than that you got to lay down the law and have a family discussion about this and in particular your worries of your dad.
    No matter how much I try and explain to my parents that very point about bad duaa my parents just don't understand so I've given up with it. I get what you mean about the pious person but again they won't listen to what I say so I choose not to get involved anymore.

    We sat and discussed this today which sort of helped to clarify things, my father rang my grandfather and asked how his health is and he seems to be okay so no-one is going India anytime soon. But if we do we are going to go as a family for a maximum of two weeks. And about getting married I've told him many times that I will never marry a person of his choice it will always be mine (same as how my parents was) so now I'm just going to keep praying and hoping that he doesn't get influenced

    Thankyou for your post
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    No matter how much I try and explain to my parents that very point about bad duaa my parents just don't understand so I've given up with it. I get what you mean about the pious person but again they won't listen to what I say so I choose not to get involved anymore.

    We sat and discussed this today which sort of helped to clarify things, my father rang my grandfather and asked how his health is and he seems to be okay so no-one is going India anytime soon. But if we do we are going to go as a family for a maximum of two weeks. And about getting married I've told him many times that I will never marry a person of his choice it will always be mine (same as how my parents was) so now I'm just going to keep praying and hoping that he doesn't get influenced

    Thankyou for your post
    Have you thought about going to the local imam and seeking advice or even to come to your house to give a talk about what is possible in Islam and what isn't.
    Its normal parents don't listen, its a pride thing, they think they know more even though they may not and are unwilling to admit it, standard thing among south asians.

    In regards with marriage, maybe have another discussion, maybe even get a book on the rules of marriage in Islam, in particular about your consent and how the final say is you and you can't be forced.......as it nulls the conditions of a Islamic marriage.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi I don't mean to cause offence but I need Muslims to reply to this due to the fact that I need religious advice and I'm Muslim, please don't take offence and please I don't wish there to be any hate so kindly take it elsewhere. This might be a lot to read but please just carry on I desperately need some advice on what to do. Also please can this be Anon, I don't want any family knowing I wrote this.


    I'm a Muslim (British Indian) in my late teens, and recently my family has been having A LOT of problems. The most recent is my paternal grandfather has taken ill in India and we think he might be in his last stages. We wish to visit him in order to pay respect (mulaakaat if any fellow Indians are reading this) if he is about to pass. The thing is my father and mother have had a tough marriage (- they are very superstitious and have been told by a pious person that someone gave them bad-dua and wished them harm. This was over 10 years ago and alhumdulillah they have been fine. ) but my father has recently become more agitated and short tempered as if he can't stand any of us any more. The littlest thing causes him to shout and sometimes he raises his hand in anger but this is rare as we choose to stay away from him as much as possible.

    My father wants to go to India from the end of June to the beginning of September but we cannot go due to college and school commitments for me and my younger sister. He understands this but then insists on going himself. My mother refuses firstly due to the fact that she is slightly depressed and needs a holiday to clear her mind but doesn't wish to leave her children behind. She is very 'all for one and one for all' minded. Also when the first bad-dua thing happened my father and mother had made a trip to India and then their troubles started. She does not wish for us to have to go through it again or herself as she is suicidal at her lowest time and wouldn't cope.

    The only solution my father can think of is to take me with him during the summer holidays and ask my mother to come for a week so she has a change of scenery but not so to make her uneasy. The problem I have with this - I have a cousin a few years older than me in India and I know that if I go to India I will be married off to him which is absolutely impossible because I have already told my mother about the boy I wish to marry and she is soon to tell my father but we're waiting until I have my A2 results. My father says he wouldn't let me get married to my cousin but he changes when he goes to India, he becomes a completely different person due to the fact that his mother (paternal grandmother to me) is still alive and well and he does 100% and above to please her even if it causes my mother displeasure. So if she said to my father get her married to your brothers son he would probably do it because of that motherly influence. (He has lived away From his mother for over 25 years and has seen her around 5 times so I understand he wants to make her happy but he cannot take control of my life to do that and he tries to reassure me that he wouldn't do anything I wouldn't want to but I don't know why I don't believe him in this instance)

    I trust my dad btw I just don't trust certain family members due to the fact that they always wind my father up about how he has no sons and no-one to carry on the family name, and other things which are really hurtful to repeat

    Anyway my post isn't to bore you with all the details I've already gone on too much, my question is what can I do to help my mother in this case? I admit I'm not a perfect Muslim but I'm making a conscious effort to begin to pray more than I have previously done, I just feel ultimately helpless. Is there anyone who has been in a difficult situation and prayed a specific kita'ab which helped them? If you could see my mothers plight right now you would understand my feeling of helplessness. I cannot concentrate on anything other than this problem which isn't good because I have exams and deal with stress by losing too much weight.

    If you've read all of That then thankyou from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate it honestly
    Assalam Alaikum,

    You should know that Allah tests those He loves. What you have to do is remain patient during trials and tribulations and continue to seek Allah's mercy and guidance! Also, a marriage where either the groom or bride does not consent is a marriage that is NOT valid according to the Prophet Muhammad (saw). So if your family try to force you to marry due to cultural norms, remind them of the teachings of the Prophet (saw). Hope I was of help to you and I will pray for you in sha Allah!

    Quote me if you have any further questions..
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    Get out of the dark ages.
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    ^ Nice.


    OP, Many people believe in black magic, just as much as those who disbelieve in it. I think you need to pray, you need to do some serious istikhara to help you decide whether going to India is a good idea or not. It may be likely there is the work of black magic, it is also likely that there isn't but I think you should seek help from an Imam. Go to your local mosque or get your parents to go and get proper advice regarding that matter. Surah Baqr is also good to recite.

    As for your marriage talk, you need to get your mum fully on side, sort out the issues between your parents before you all make that trip to India as unresolved issues now are likely to later manifest, and it won't be advantageous to you if these issues creep up and worsen in front of family members who want to see you married off to someone who is not of your choice.

    Hope that helps, good luck.
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    Salams sister,

    just tell them to read the last three surahs and iA all will be good. (it appears this is all you can truly do)
    As for your Force/arrange marriage fears then just get married ASAP.. and if he cant afford to get married(meaning pay for a ceremony at the moment) then at least get your nikah done... which is pretty straight forward. Consult an imam(who is well versed in english) and understands British society.

    May Allah make your affairs easy.. and bring you happiness in both worlds.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi I don't mean to cause offence but I need Muslims to reply to this due to the fact that I need religious advice and I'm Muslim, please don't take offence and please I don't wish there to be any hate so kindly take it elsewhere. This might be a lot to read but please just carry on I desperately need some advice on what to do. Also please can this be Anon, I don't want any family knowing I wrote this.


    I'm a Muslim (British Indian) in my late teens, and recently my family has been having A LOT of problems. The most recent is my paternal grandfather has taken ill in India and we think he might be in his last stages. We wish to visit him in order to pay respect (mulaakaat if any fellow Indians are reading this) if he is about to pass. The thing is my father and mother have had a tough marriage (- they are very superstitious and have been told by a pious person that someone gave them bad-dua and wished them harm. This was over 10 years ago and alhumdulillah they have been fine. ) but my father has recently become more agitated and short tempered as if he can't stand any of us any more. The littlest thing causes him to shout and sometimes he raises his hand in anger but this is rare as we choose to stay away from him as much as possible.

    My father wants to go to India from the end of June to the beginning of September but we cannot go due to college and school commitments for me and my younger sister. He understands this but then insists on going himself. My mother refuses firstly due to the fact that she is slightly depressed and needs a holiday to clear her mind but doesn't wish to leave her children behind. She is very 'all for one and one for all' minded. Also when the first bad-dua thing happened my father and mother had made a trip to India and then their troubles started. She does not wish for us to have to go through it again or herself as she is suicidal at her lowest time and wouldn't cope.

    The only solution my father can think of is to take me with him during the summer holidays and ask my mother to come for a week so she has a change of scenery but not so to make her uneasy. The problem I have with this - I have a cousin a few years older than me in India and I know that if I go to India I will be married off to him which is absolutely impossible because I have already told my mother about the boy I wish to marry and she is soon to tell my father but we're waiting until I have my A2 results. My father says he wouldn't let me get married to my cousin but he changes when he goes to India, he becomes a completely different person due to the fact that his mother (paternal grandmother to me) is still alive and well and he does 100% and above to please her even if it causes my mother displeasure. So if she said to my father get her married to your brothers son he would probably do it because of that motherly influence. (He has lived away From his mother for over 25 years and has seen her around 5 times so I understand he wants to make her happy but he cannot take control of my life to do that and he tries to reassure me that he wouldn't do anything I wouldn't want to but I don't know why I don't believe him in this instance)

    I trust my dad btw I just don't trust certain family members due to the fact that they always wind my father up about how he has no sons and no-one to carry on the family name, and other things which are really hurtful to repeat

    Anyway my post isn't to bore you with all the details I've already gone on too much, my question is what can I do to help my mother in this case? I admit I'm not a perfect Muslim but I'm making a conscious effort to begin to pray more than I have previously done, I just feel ultimately helpless. Is there anyone who has been in a difficult situation and prayed a specific kita'ab which helped them? If you could see my mothers plight right now you would understand my feeling of helplessness. I cannot concentrate on anything other than this problem which isn't good because I have exams and deal with stress by losing too much weight.

    If you've read all of That then thankyou from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate it honestly
    While I was reading your post, I thought this was a story about myself. It almost epitomises my life. Firstly I'd say that if someone makes a "bad Dua" as you suggest or a curse cannot happen without the will of Allah(swt). So before believing that you family might be under an evil eye. You should always trust in Allah(swt) and pray for the protection of your family and yourself and ishaAllah nothing will harm you. I can't comment much on how to solve your problem about going to India. But definitely advise not to go alone with your dad, as a lot of people might take this as an opportunity to send marriage proposals. But this is just advice, hope you find a solution to your problems.
 
 
 
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