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    Hi guys, I don't take this writing business too seriously, but I would appreciate your opin this current piece I've been working on. still needs work, so I would appreciate it .if you was honest

    These words, they summarise the reality of life
    The Mona Lisa smiled, but she was decaying inside
    Homicide should be portrayed as an unjustifiable crime
    It destroys the lives of the people who are left behind
    To suffer emotional pain which never subsides
    The eternal cycle of pain, never will it die
    Our tears fuel its mechanism
    An immortal energy, to whom we're confined
    Never rely on those who cry, when the situation declines
    It weakens you in a way which defies the laws of logic
    Whom Aristotle prescribed
    To civilisation which became blinded for not using the mind
    Even before the words eventually came out, the consequences arise
    Wise men realised the philosophers logics precise
    So the question aligned, the structure of never ending denies
    Broken down to comply, to orders from noble men who had found
    That wealth is in fact the devils disguise
    But he wears no mask
    To hide his intentions renowned
    For the power which he often describes
    As ownership of a person's soul and life
    In exchange for money and dimes
    Honesty no longer resides in this world which silences alibis
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    Nice Me says it's a lovely piece that makes great use of rhyme and has some awesome imagery, plus some good moral messages. Critical Me says it sounds quite pretentious, some of its moral messages are a bit strange/obvious ('homicide should be portrayed as an unjustifiable crime') and its rhythm is off. But overall I like it.
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    (Original post by paradoxicalme)
    Nice Me says it's a lovely piece that makes great use of rhyme and has some awesome imagery, plus some good moral messages. Critical Me says it sounds quite pretentious, some of its moral messages are a bit strange/obvious ('homicide should be portrayed as an unjustifiable crime') and its rhythm is off. But overall I like it.
    Thanks for the response It was supposed to say suicide instead of homicide as a story was told.before this final verse The rhythm needs a little work but I think its better once you know the flow of words.

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    Anyone else?
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    Okay, lets see

    As was previously mentioned, the rhythm is off. Try and stick to a similar number of syllables per line, or a repeating pattern of syllables (for example, there's 13 in the first line, 14 in the second, 16 in the third, and 14 in the fourth. If you repeated that for lines 5-8 and 9-12 etc it would sound better). Alternatively, you could alternate between a long and short line to give the reader a break, or stick to a 12 syllable line, and then an 8 syllable line. Ideally, it shouldn't go much over 10 syllables a line because otherwise it reads with difficulty.

    PUNCTUATION! You have some, but you need more. ''That wealth is in fact the devils disguise '' should be ''That wealth is, in fact, the devils disguise''.
    And commas should come at the end of a clause/phrase, otherwise it is unreadable.

    The repeating 'i' sound at the end of every line is also quite taxing. Break it up, introduce another sound every alternate line. Make the 1st and 3rd lines different, but rhyme the 2nd and 4th lines.

    As for the content, it's good. As previously mentioned, it is a little bit pretentious, but there are some good morals and ideas in there.
 
 
 
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