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    Please keep anon, this is VERY personal and I post on here frequently. I also have friends who use this site. *Jess isn’t my real name. I’m sorry this is a long post I need help, I’m at my whit’s end. Thank you to anyone who manages to read/reply to all of this, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.


    I have struggled with my mental health for years, when I say mental health I mean my own mind. Sometimes I can’t escape my own thoughts and it literally makes me feel so worthless, panicky and down. I am aware of all the things I do that scare me, I am going to list them. What I don’t know is, why I do these things? Why am I not right, this shouldn’t be right.


    I have not been diagnosed as mentally unwell, I have not been the doctors over it as I can’t face it and haven’t told anyone in person. I’m struggling to type this.


    At times I have very low self-esteem, there is nothing in particular that is wrong with my life (Alright family, decent enough job, studies are going well) yet when I meet people and they ask the simplest of questions I find myself exaggerating or lying all together? Why do I do this? I clearly know this is not right – it’s like a compulsion, and what scares me the most is that I’ve actually been doing this without realising since I was a small child. I lie. I lie a lot about my life, when I have no reason to. Its like I open my mouth and it all just comes out, I don’t want to do it. I have no reason to do it.


    Over the past 3 years (most obviously the last year) my state of mind has started to decline. There are days were I struggle going out of the house because I think everyone around me is talking about me – ASDA/Town/College – No go areas. I’ve had to start my studies online and practically buy everything online. If I am out I will then start to question why people are looking at me and my heart starts beating to fast that I’ll have to find the nearest toilet and wait until I have calmed down before I can go out again.


    I think things, sometimes things I don’t think I should be thinking. I over analyse to the point where I translate someone saying “*Jess I can’t come out tonight, my sister is sick” or “I’ll have to cancel blablabla because I’m ill” to thinking that they have done this deliberately, to spite me. It gets me down, really down. I’ve lost friendships over it, I’ve shut a lot of people out.


    In the past I have self-harmed, superficially. I put that down to my parents divorcing and being a hormonal teenager. However, I did try and commit suicide by overdosing on anti-biotics. The hospital said I was stressed due to having lots of exams and that I would be visited by a homecare team, they did not visit and I did not and do not talk about the experience. I don’t know why I did it, I saw an opportunity to do it and I took it, and couldn’t even get it right. I have suicidal thoughts frequently and how great it would be to get out of my mind, be someone else. Start again idk. I must stress that these are just thoughts; I have never tried anything since the first and only attempt.


    The voices I hear in my mind is myself, there is no other voice. It is my voice. (I mean like, I’m female and I hear other female or males voices – It’s like my brain saying things to me) If I make remotely ANY sense. It’s hard to word this L If I think about anything negative that has happened to me, sometimes I physically blurt out random stuff. I’m not joking. I will actually say “NO” or “STOP IT” aloud. I can’t help it, I can’t stop myself and I don’t purposely think negatively – I just can’t escape it.


    I don’t know why I’m like this, I’m becoming more and more aware that I’m not quite right and it frightens me.
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    Please try to work up the courage to write down to take your list to the GP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. There will be someone willing to listen and definitely help available for you!!
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    (Original post by GdotL)
    Please try to work up the courage to write down to take your list to the GP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. There will be someone willing to listen and definitely help available for you!!
    I don't feel ready to go to a GP, I avoid those people all together. I also should have said that I am fearful of what they might say and do.

    Thanks for replying I appreciate it
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    Summarize everything in the op on to paper and take it down to your GP.

    And some advice: when you're out and about, stop thinking about what everyone else is thinking, they're just people like you; breathing, eating, sleeping, then we die. What that granny is thinking for a split second about you in her deck chair as you walk past isn't going to matter in 100 years from now. STOP being so paranoid.
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    (Original post by Ilyas)
    Summarize everything in the op on to paper and take it down to your GP.

    And some advice: when you're out and about, stop thinking about what everyone else is thinking, they're just people like you; breathing, eating, sleeping, then we die. What that granny is thinking for a split second about you in her deck chair as you walk past isn't going to matter in 100 years from now. STOP being so paranoid.
    It's easier said than done, I wish I wasn't so paranoid. I never used to be this bad. I really can't help it I don't want to worry of it, I know it probably won't matter in 100 years from not but there and then it's intense and I feel like the world is closing in on me.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't feel ready to go to a GP, I avoid those people all together. I also should have said that I am fearful of what they might say and do.

    Thanks for replying I appreciate it
    Usually, people would recommend to go with a friend or family member but that wouldn't be helpful in your case.
    Why do you avoid GPs? If it's written down, all you have to do is pass them the note and they'll just ask some questions and hopefully be helpful.
    I'm a medical student so I'm involved with GPs, hospitals and psychiatrists on a daily basis - there is literally nothing to be scared of, I promise. They will probably refer you to a psychiatrist who will try to make sense of the issues you're facing and help you get started on a course of therapy before worrying about medication or anything like that
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    Having a mental health problem does not mean you are odd or should be embarassed. I would say if the thoughts are affecting your daily life please go and see a gp. I know gp's are not much help speaking from experience but you should give it a go anyway and you might be referred for some counselling. Although waiting lists are long.
    Sometimes it helps to talk to someone rather than feel alone and trapped in your own thoughts, it's hard to rationalize things to yourself but someone else on the outside can help you do this. I bet if you tried talking to one of your old friends even they would understand and be willing to help, it's just getting the courage to forget about the initial 'embarassment' your mental health problem may lead to, just try not to think about that. No one is judging you and if they did that is their problem, not yours.
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    These GP's and doctors are there to help you and literally nothing bad can come from it as they will simply offer support and hopefully help you overcome these thoughts.
    Also, most people are often self conscious and wondering what others think of them as they walk by for a split second, this is totally normal, I even do it myself.
    You just have to avoid assuming everything is against you, I may not understand why you think this, but I can tell you for definite it is not the case and people are not all against you in their actions. Just looking through this conversation shows you that, I've never heard of/spoke to/seen you before and nor have the other posters but we are all attempting to help you and offer support to you.
    Look for good in the world and you'll find it's been dancing in front of your face the whole time


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    If you cant go to your GP which is totally understandble self refer yourself to Time To Talk, You will feel comfortable from the start of the phonecall as they receive calls from people who find it a struggle to make the call everyday and will make you feel comfortable about arranging to go see someone and after that first meeting with someone you will receive the exact help you need and you will feel better as there are so many other people out there who feel the exact same as you! the only advice i feel would be useful right now is to see all the anxiety and self-esteem issues as a health issue instead of who you are and try to keep that thought in your mind at all times. I hope you make the call as they will help you!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    In the past I have self-harmed, superficially. I put that down to my parents divorcing and being a hormonal teenager. However, I did try and commit suicide by overdosing on anti-biotics. The hospital said I was stressed due to having lots of exams and that I would be visited by a homecare team, they did not visit and I did not and do not talk about the experience. I don’t know why I did it, I saw an opportunity to do it and I took it, and couldn’t even get it right.
    While there is no way I can pretend to understand exactly what you are going through as these kind of issues are always very personal I have some experience with depression, self harming, and low self esteem. I self harmed for several years leaving scars that will likely never fully heal and came very close to commiting suicide twice to the point I planned out every detail and written notes. Like I said my experience is obviously not going to be the same as yours however I wanted to show you that I have at least some degree of understanding of your current position, in fact just a few years ago I was posting anonymously on this very site, begging strangers for help. I wanted to let you know this because hopefully this will give some weight to what I say next, word which many people said to me but I never really took on board.

    It WILL get better, but ONLY if you want it to. You absolutely cannot do this alone, you need to confide in someone, anyone you are close to. I took that leap and I'm pretty sure if I hadn't I wouldn't be here today so I urge you to tell a relative or a friend or anyone you feel you can trust. I also think it may be worth at least considering going to your GP. I know there's a huge list of reasons not to and I never did myself however looking back getting proper medical advice and/ or treatment could only have made my life easier. At the very least do think seriously about consulting a professional.

    Finally you need to push yourself to make these efforts. Go out, spend time with friends, find/ pursue hobbies you enjoy. It may feel like it's taking an enormous amount of effort but the payoff is worth it, even if doing these things distracts you enough to get you out of your own head for a bit. I'm mostly ok now, I haven't properly felt suicidal or self harmed in 2 years and I think the thing that has contributed most to that is being at university. As well as giving me a whole new friend group to talk to and spend time with it gave me something to focus my efforts on and a change of scenery that I very desperately needed.

    I truly hope something I have said is of use to you. If nothing else please try to remember that it isn't your fault, don't talk yourself into believeing it is by overthinking.
 
 
 
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