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How to ask sexual partner about STI's etc? Watch

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    #1

    Hi,

    I'm 19 and met a guy at uni and we have recently started having sex. It is a casual sex kind of thing and I've now had sex with him three times. The first time we didn't use a condom and he also gave me oral sex. About 2 days later I had symtoms of a urine infection and went to the doctors as it was the first time I've ever had one. The nurse said it was too early to test for Chlamydia and I was prescribed antibiotics for cysitis. The last two times we had sex we used a condom and he did give me oral sex too. I also got cystitis again about 2days later and the nurse said for women, it can happen after sex because of damage to the urthrea etc. This whole urine infection situation has put me off having sex with him because I'm scared of getting one again.

    I don't know how many sexual partners he has had and if he is currently sleeping around. Also, I'm not sure how often he uses protection and if he's been tested or knows if he is clear or not. I have a feeling that he is quite promiscuous and he enjoys sex. I don't know how to ask him about this? Should I text him and ask him or should I leave it and just get tested ASAP? I feel like texting him would be easier but then worried incase he doesn't reply or gets offended by me asking. Unless I just text him asking if we could have a chat and get him to either call me or come round. It's hard to say it all but I would like a bit of piece of mind before getting tested.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi,

    I'm 19 and met a guy at uni and we have recently started having sex. It is a casual sex kind of thing and I've now had sex with him three times. The first time we didn't use a condom and he also gave me oral sex. About 2 days later I had symtoms of a urine infection and went to the doctors as it was the first time I've ever had one. The nurse said it was too early to test for Chlamydia and I was prescribed antibiotics for cysitis. The last two times we had sex we used a condom and he did give me oral sex too. I also got cystitis again about 2days later and the nurse said for women, it can happen after sex because of damage to the urthrea etc. This whole urine infection situation has put me off having sex with him because I'm scared of getting one again.

    I don't know how many sexual partners he has had and if he is currently sleeping around. Also, I'm not sure how often he uses protection and if he's been tested or knows if he is clear or not. I have a feeling that he is quite promiscuous and he enjoys sex. I don't know how to ask him about this? Should I text him and ask him or should I leave it and just get tested ASAP? I feel like texting him would be easier but then worried incase he doesn't reply or gets offended by me asking. Unless I just text him asking if we could have a chat and get him to either call me or come round. It's hard to say it all but I would like a bit of piece of mind before getting tested.
    First of all, don't have sex with him again until you get this sorted out. Go to the Doctors and get tested for the common STIs.

    The best thing to do is to get straight to the point. Ask if he's been tested for any STIs and how many people he's had sex with. You don't need to make a big deal out of it, just ask him You know what they say - when you sleep with someone, you're also sleeping with their exes!

    He won't get offended. You have a genuine concern!

    Remember to get a reliable method of contraception from the Doctor to use in conjunction with condoms - they're not very reliable. If you use both forms, then you'll be able to enjoy yourself without having to worry about getting pregnant
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    If he didn't insist on using a condom with you, it's likely he isn't insisting on using a condom with any other partners as well.

    The best way to do it is just be really blunt and open and try your hardest to ignore any awkward. Just ask "are you seeing anyone else? Do you always use condoms with them? Do you get regular STD tests?". Trying to use euphemisms or tiptoe round the subject just makes it more awkward in the end. You've got to say it at some point; best to skip all the awkward and get straight to the point.

    Also, it's really important you know before you even start the conversation what you want from it. If you just want to find out and aren't fussed what the answer is, great. If you don't want to sleep with him unless he has regular STD tests and/or uses condoms with other partners, you need to know that and be prepared to ask him to do those things or tell him that you won't be sleeping with him anymore if he isn't willing to do that.
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    I'd also like to add (had a lot of time to think about this in the car yesterday :P) - I know it's awkward and difficult, but it's good to get used to this type of conversation, because it's a conversation you'll be having with sexual partners throughout your life. Learn how to do it now, it'll stand you in good stead.
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    (Original post by wildbluesun)
    I'd also like to add (had a lot of time to think about this in the car yesterday :P) - I know it's awkward and difficult, but it's good to get used to this type of conversation, because it's a conversation you'll be having with sexual partners throughout your life. Learn how to do it now, it'll stand you in good stead.
    Thank you for the advice. Yeah, I guess you're right about having the talk and getting comfortable saying it. I haven't seen him since the last time I saw him (when I made this thread) so haven't really had the chance to chat about it and didn't want to say or ask him in a text cos it's quite personal and he might not even reply. Anyway, I've got an appointment tomorrow to get tested so hopefully I'll be ok. If not, I'll tell him and it won't be too bad as it could get treated (as long as I don't have HIV etc). Which I don't think I will (hopefully lol). And if I do get the all clear, I'm a bit scared of having sex with him again as I got cystitis both of the times after I had sex with him. I know it's common but urine infections are horrible lol! So I could tell him this and then move on to an STD talk before I get my results back.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you for the advice. Yeah, I guess you're right about having the talk and getting comfortable saying it. I haven't seen him since the last time I saw him (when I made this thread) so haven't really had the chance to chat about it and didn't want to say or ask him in a text cos it's quite personal and he might not even reply. Anyway, I've got an appointment tomorrow to get tested so hopefully I'll be ok. If not, I'll tell him and it won't be too bad as it could get treated (as long as I don't have HIV etc). Which I don't think I will (hopefully lol). And if I do get the all clear, I'm a bit scared of having sex with him again as I got cystitis both of the times after I had sex with him. I know it's common but urine infections are horrible lol! So I could tell him this and then move on to an STD talk before I get my results back.
    Okay good. You're very unlikely to get HIV unless he's had unprotected sex with men or with people who come from bits of the world with high HIV infection rates (just epidemologically - but infection rates among straight people who were born in the UK are rising), and you're right that everything else can be treated fairly easily. Still best not to get it in the first place though.

    Good luck whatever you do.
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    you're right that everything else can be treated fairly easily
    Well, all of the viruses - things like HSV and HPV - will be with you for the rest of your life, and while they're common, you probably don't want to have them if you can avoid it.

    The risks of being on the receiving end of oral sex are very low (even if he had, say, HIV you wouldn't get it that way).

    For intercourse, one huge advantage of condoms is that you don't need to worry about who else he's sleeping with. What would you want to happen if he said, 'Yes, I am sleeping with other people'? Would you trust him if he said he was not?

    Has the cystitis happened with other partners?
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    (Original post by unprinted)
    Well, all of the viruses - things like HSV and HPV - will be with you for the rest of your life, and while they're common, you probably don't want to have them if you can avoid it.

    The risks of being on the receiving end of oral sex are very low (even if he had, say, HIV you wouldn't get it that way).

    For intercourse, one huge advantage of condoms is that you don't need to worry about who else he's sleeping with. What would you want to happen if he said, 'Yes, I am sleeping with other people'? Would you trust him if he said he was not?

    Has the cystitis happened with other partners?
    Afraid to say this isn't strictly true.

    It is actually still possible to catch several STI/STD's even if a condom is in place, such as:

    Herpes - This is spread through skin-to-skin contact and the condom doesn't cover every bit of skin on your genitals, you can easily catch Herpes while wearing a condom.

    Crabs - You can get crabs when you have skin-to-skin contact with another person. Even when there is no sexual penetration, you can get (or give) crabs.
    You can also get crabs from sleeping in an infested bed or using infested towels.

    HPV - Types of HPV that affect the skin can be passed on by skin contact with an affected person. The types of HPV that affect the mouth and throat can be passed on through kissing. Genital HPV is usually spread through intimate, skin to skin, contact during sex.
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    True, but a) many people have at least one strain of HSV, including anyone who's ever had a cold sore, b) crabs are ultra obvious and treatable, and c) the only people making a fuss about oral HPV are the manufacturers of the vaccine - I don't think a sexual health clinic will even test for it.
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    Well thanks for all the info and advice. But I have no symptoms for anything (apart from the times I had cystitis which was treated with antibiotics).. Seen as I don't have any symptoms I just got tested for Chlamydia, Gonnarea (ignore my spelling), HIV and Syphilis. I think it I got herpes I'd probably know by now and same for crabs cos i'd be itching which I'm not.
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    Yes,
    However, some other STDs can be asymptomatic.
    I think in general if you have unprotected sexual intercourse you have to get regularly tested, just in case. I say this because I happened to catch something and at the beginning it was completely asymptomatic. Now I do regular checks.
    If you've already gotten tested for Chlamydia and Gonnorhea then it should be fine although keep reminding yourself, especially when you change partner.
    Remember to book an appointment with your GP, go to your GUM clinic or go to websites such as thesticlinic.com or thegumclinic.com if you want to know quickly and you don't have time to go to your GP.
 
 
 
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