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    Hi, TSR.


    So, I'd better make this sharp and to the point: I lost my father to heart failure late November of 2012. He and I were close; we had our arguments but we were close. His death had a huge impact on me and my family. I had just begun uni, and stayed home for the remainder of the term and the next. He didn't die suddenly; it took him four weeks. He initially refused to see me, because he knew I'd cry and I don't think he could handle it. But there came a point where my mum told me that time was running out and I had to visit. So I did.
    I'll never forget how weak and frail he looked in that critical ward. He couldn't speak due to an oxygen mask being clamped tightly and painfully onto his mouth, but he held out his hand as soon as he saw me, which I took and held. I'm proud to say I didn't cry in front of him. The nurse muttered something about osmosis, but I ignored him. My dad signed for me to go after about twenty minutes, as he could see I was struggling. I kissed him and said "I love you" then went. That was the last time I saw him conscious.

    He died soon after. I saw him being pumped onto a life support machine, a mere ghost of who he used to be; my strong father, who used to cradle me whenever I got my finger jammed in a door (which surprisingly happened a lot) and who used to pick me up and take me to my bed whenever I'd fallen asleep in any room besides my own. I couldn't see the nurses shut the machine down; so I left. I got to see his lifeless body one more time before his funeral.

    Family, friends - they'd all cried and shared memories during the first few days. My mum's friend (a Muslim) told us that after a few days, we must not cry.
    But it's been months, and I'm here, still crying. I miss him so much it hurts. Not a day goes by where I don't think of him. The mental images of his last few weeks haunt me in my sleep. During the day, when in the company of others, I laugh and pretend nothing's wrong. But at night, I stay awake, too afraid to sleep. I can't cope.

    I don't want to continue on to uni. I don't want to continue with life. What's the point of life if you end up buried underneath the ground anyway, where your entire existence in this Earth will be wiped away? What's the point in stressing myself to the pout of insanity over some first year exams on a course that's so competitive I'll probably struggle to strive in? What's the point?

    i don't know what the point of this thread even is. Perhaps it's a way of spilling all of these unsaid, repressed emotions and thoughts out; alternatively, perhaps it is so that many other people who have lost their parent(s) could fid comfort in the fact that I, for one, KNOW how they feel.
    I suppose in trying to keep this post short, I've made it very long, which I offer my sincerest apologies about.


    TL;DR: can no longer cope due to bereavement of father. Questioning life.
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    If it helps I have also been grieving over a degenerative disease in a close family member. Though it'll be a long period of degeneration before he's due to die, I am already familiar with all the stuff you've mentioned including dreaming about it, him being a shadow of former self, nihilism with university. I also tend to fret about apocalyptic impacts of other stuff I have no control over such as the economy, the government, world war, and read the newspapers obsessively. Life broke its contract to me, so I prepare for the worst.
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    I'm really sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling whatever you do, don't give up on uni and your future, I'm sure that's the opposite of what your father would've wanted. Stay strong OP xxx
    • #1
    #1

    I lost my dad when I was 8 and I'm now 20, I'm not going to sugar coat it for you as that will achieve nothing. It doesn't get easier, sometimes you feel better temporarily but when those memories and moments come rushing into your mind then it feels as horrid as it did the first time round. Your thoughts aren't "abnormal" nor should you feel bad for still crying, he was your father. Unfortunately, life goes on and you are still a part of this life and you need to continue to fend for yourself, it's just how it is. You're still grieving, November 2012 was only ~6 months ago, you shouldn't expect yourself to oppress these feelings and just move on. Take your time and deal with it, talk to someone if it helps because it will eat you up if you don't.

    Good luck
    • #2
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    (Original post by TheReckless)
    Hi, TSR.


    So, I'd better make this sharp and to the point: I lost my father to heart failure late November of 2012. He and I were close; we had our arguments but we were close. His death had a huge impact on me and my family. I had just begun uni, and stayed home for the remainder of the term and the next. He didn't die suddenly; it took him four weeks. He initially refused to see me, because he knew I'd cry and I don't think he could handle it. But there came a point where my mum told me that time was running out and I had to visit. So I did.
    I'll never forget how weak and frail he looked in that critical ward. He couldn't speak due to an oxygen mask being clamped tightly and painfully onto his mouth, but he held out his hand as soon as he saw me, which I took and held. I'm proud to say I didn't cry in front of him. The nurse muttered something about osmosis, but I ignored him. My dad signed for me to go after about twenty minutes, as he could see I was struggling. I kissed him and said "I love you" then went. That was the last time I saw him conscious.

    He died soon after. I saw him being pumped onto a life support machine, a mere ghost of who he used to be; my strong father, who used to cradle me whenever I got my finger jammed in a door (which surprisingly happened a lot) and who used to pick me up and take me to my bed whenever I'd fallen asleep in any room besides my own. I couldn't see the nurses shut the machine down; so I left. I got to see his lifeless body one more time before his funeral.

    Family, friends - they'd all cried and shared memories during the first few days. My mum's friend (a Muslim) told us that after a few days, we must not cry.
    But it's been months, and I'm here, still crying. I miss him so much it hurts. Not a day goes by where I don't think of him. The mental images of his last few weeks haunt me in my sleep. During the day, when in the company of others, I laugh and pretend nothing's wrong. But at night, I stay awake, too afraid to sleep. I can't cope.

    I don't want to continue on to uni. I don't want to continue with life. What's the point of life if you end up buried underneath the ground anyway, where your entire existence in this Earth will be wiped away? What's the point in stressing myself to the pout of insanity over some first year exams on a course that's so competitive I'll probably struggle to strive in? What's the point?

    i don't know what the point of this thread even is. Perhaps it's a way of spilling all of these unsaid, repressed emotions and thoughts out; alternatively, perhaps it is so that many other people who have lost their parent(s) could fid comfort in the fact that I, for one, KNOW how they feel.
    I suppose in trying to keep this post short, I've made it very long, which I offer my sincerest apologies about.


    TL;DR: can no longer cope due to bereavement of father. Questioning life.
    Hey, just want to say that I can understand a lot of your situation; my dad died 9 years ago of a heart attack, (19 now) he was incredibly ill in the years before he died - spine was crumbling, had a breakdown, hepatitis, but in a way I'm grateful he died when I was so young because I wasn't fully aware of how much pain he was in - and I'm so sorry you've had to experience all this and be aware of everything, but it's wonderful that you're reaching out to people - even talking over the internet can help so much. I get the sense you can't talk to your mum openly about your feelings but you can't resent her - everyone has their different ways of coping with grief and shutting it out and not allowing yourself to cry may be her way of overcoming the death of her husband, but it doesn't mean it'll work for you. By all means try and talk about the good memories - I do it all the time with my mother, just sharing little stories and asking questions when something reminds you of him is better than entering into a long emotionally draining conversation that might do more harm than good.

    The one thing you can't do with grief is give it a deadline, especially when you've suffered such a massive trauma as the death of a parent. Cry for as long as you need to and don't let anyone tell you you should be over it by now. I promise you it will get easier - I totally understand how you've lost all passion for life right now, so did I, school was the last thing on my mind - the only thing I could think about was how much I wanted to see him again. But I realised doing what I think would make him proud is what gets me out of bed - I imagine what he would say to me if he saw me giving up on everything and how he would cheer me up and that keeps him alive in my memory, as well as the motivation to support my family and make sure I don't make any mistakes that I made with him.

    I'm in my first year of uni now and I never thought I'd be anyone - I thought grief would shroud the rest of my life but I've become a person I think he'd be proud of. Experiencing the death of a parent is a double edged sword - you realise much too early in life that you will lose people and you can either push everyone away and live in regret or you can make the most of the amazing people you have around you and fill the rest of your time making sure you never make the same mistakes - I count myself lucky that I'm so aware of my own mortality now - it takes many people decades to come to this conclusion and by that time it may be too late to change. After he died I hated him for leaving me, now I see it as his final gift as I'm finally seeing what's important in life and realizing how much he loved me - never forget that through all the arguements and bad times our fathers only wanted the best for us and loved us so, so much.

    (Sorry if this is a bit long - feel free to PM me anytime)
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    Sorry to hear you're feeling like this, hope things get better for you. I'm sure they will, you just need to put this tragic loss behind you and occupy your mind with other things; such as the other people you love, and the things that make you happy.

    I wouldn't recommend giving up on uni, especially if it was something you had your heart set on. It probably wouldn't solve anything, tbh.
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    Talk to your university and think about taking the year out.

    I don't think you have talked to anyone about the way you feel because the questions that you are positing are nonsensical.

    You need help and support. I would seriously think about talking to a professional

    I never talked about my problems with those close to me and it made it really hard. I understand why you may not want to but you should try.
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    (Original post by DorianGrayism)
    Talk to your university and think about taking the year out.

    I don't think you have talked to anyone about the way you feel because the questions that you are positing are nonsensical.

    You need help and support. I would seriously think about talking to a professional

    I never talked about my problems with those close to me and it made it really hard. I understand why you may not want to but you should try.
    Nonsensical? They make perfect sense to me.
    And I've tried, but they just don't understand. It makes it worse.
    Thank you, regardless.
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    (Original post by TheReckless)
    Nonsensical? They make perfect sense to me.
    And I've tried, but they just don't understand. It makes it worse.
    Thank you, regardless.
    It is nonsensical because ,unless you believe in God, then there is no point to life. Life is whatever you make it out to be.

    Maybe nonsensical was the wrong word to use. However, I am just try to saying to say you can never find a satisfactory answer.

    I get that your Family/Friends do not understand. I never told them because they couldn't empathise me and many of them still can't. Even, if they say they understand, they still don't.
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    My Dad died in my first year at Uni. I failed my year retook exams and got through I couldn't settle to work failed my second year and could get no more money to go to Uni later when my head was in the right place because I could not get a loan/grant.
    Many years later I regret not asking for time off, years off! I regret not getting my degree it has held me back I could never get that good job. Ask for help with making a decision on what to do and don't do anything if that feels right be there to support your family, hold on.
    look after yourself and those around you, you all need each other.:hugs:
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    (Original post by Plum17)
    My Dad died in my first year at Uni. I failed my year retook exams and got through I couldn't settle to work failed my second year and could get no more money to go to Uni later when my head was in the right place because I could not get a loan/grant.
    Many years later I regret not asking for time off, years off! I regret not getting my degree it has held me back I could never get that good job. Ask for help with making a decision on what to do and don't do anything if that feels right be there to support your family, hold on.
    look after yourself and those around you, you all need each other.:hugs:
    Thank you. I'm sorry you had to endure such an experience.
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    (Original post by TheReckless)
    Thank you. I'm sorry you had to endure such an experience.
    What I want to say is life is worth it.
    I have a family I am loved but I wish that at 19 I could have been brave enough to admit I needed time to grieve and feel strong then go back to Uni maybe a different one close to those who cared for me.
    be brave ask for help. :hugs:
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    :grouphugs: So sorry for your loss, I've never lost a family member but I know I would find it devastating.
    My mum struggled a lot with grief when one of her friends died, she developed depression and her life started spiralling downwards. For her, things like yoga and meditation were very cathartic, the "mind clearing" aspect of meditation allowed her to detach herself from the pain she was feeling, if only for a short while. I know she also read a lot of self help books.

    Death affects us all, and dealing with it can be a huge challenge, but don't let your father's death ruin your life. Think of the good times, and look forward to the future. I really hope you feel better, it might not happen soon but I'm sure you'll find a way. Stay strong! :hugs:
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    (Original post by edithwashere)
    :grouphugs: So sorry for your loss, I've never lost a family member but I know I would find it devastating.
    My mum struggled a lot with grief when one of her friends died, she developed depression and her life started spiralling downwards. For her, things like yoga and meditation were very cathartic, the "mind clearing" aspect of meditation allowed her to detach herself from the pain she was feeling, if only for a short while. I know she also read a lot of self help books.

    Death affects us all, and dealing with it can be a huge challenge, but don't let your father's death ruin your life. Think of the good times, and look forward to the future. I really hope you feel better, it might not happen soon but I'm sure you'll find a way. Stay strong! :hugs:
    Thank you so much for bothering to read it all and for the lovely hugs. Means a lot.
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    (Original post by TheReckless)
    x
    Life's pretty bad to be honest :erm: it's horrible and difficult and it doesn't owe anybody anything.

    The way I see it you've got a pile of bad things in life, and a pile of good things. The good things don't make the bad any less terrible, but equally the bad things in life don't diminish or spoil the good things. Just concentrate on finding more good things :console:

    Just take the time you need and get back in the fight :cute:
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    (Original post by Artymess)
    Life's pretty bad to be honest :erm: it's horrible and difficult and it doesn't owe anybody anything.

    The way I see it you've got a pile of bad things in life, and a pile of good things. The good things don't make the bad any less terrible, but equally the bad things in life don't diminish or spoil the good things. Just concentrate on finding more good things :console:

    Just take the time you need and get back in the fight :cute:
    Thank you, Arty. I guess it'll be difficult to find such good things.
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    08457909090

    That's the number for Samaritans.
    A lot of people think that the Samaritans helpline is for people feeling suicidal- it's really not, it's so much more than that. I was diagnosed with depression a few months ago after my Grandad died after a long illness and at my lowest point I called them. The person I spoke with listened to me, he seemed to care and he helped me.

    They can help you work through a few things, if you just need to cry and talk; they are there to listen and comfort.

    I'm really sorry for your loss, but please remember it's okay to admitt that you're not okay.
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    (Original post by TheReckless)
    Thank you, Arty. I guess it'll be difficult to find such good things.
    Depends what you consider good :holmes: It doesn't have to be big, life changing, happy events. Even the little things are important :yep:
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    (Original post by Artymess)
    Depends what you consider good :holmes: It doesn't have to be big, life changing, happy events. Even the little things are important :yep:
    Alright. Thanks.
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    I feel like giving a big hug to everyone on this thread, especially you OP :hugs:
 
 
 
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